AIBU to be genuinely upset about a guy ghosting me on an online dating app?

[AvidBee]

I posted in the relationships board a few days ago about feeling like I'll never have a relationship, as I've never had one and I'm now in my mid-20s.

I had decided at Christmas to download Tinder again and give it a go. I had been speaking to a guy for about 10 days or so, and felt like it was going really well. Flirty, jokey conversations, we were getting to know each other. And then out of the blue yesterday, literally mid conversation, he unmatched me.

I was literally just about to ask him if he wanted to meet up for a coffee, and he does that, out of the blue, no message to say he doesn't think it's going to work.

I'm gutted, it takes me a lot of confidence to even get to the point of wanting to meet up as I'm overweight and very insecure that when I do meet up with people, they'll be instantly turned off. Plus the fact that 90% of people that I match with, the conversations are dry, I try my hardest to get it going but they never seem to be that interested.

I text my friend and said I was genuinely upset, as I feel like that story of meeting someone and getting on with them never happens to me. I said feel like if I can't even get to the meeting for a coffee stage, I'll never get further than that. She told me I was being stupid, and that I shouldn't expect to find anyone on a dating site (or in real life) until I've lost the weight and I've made myself attractive.

AIBU to be upset by this entire thing?

Well if not hiding your weight, theres no need to bring attention to something youre already lacking confidence with.

As for the non response, It's 11am Sunday morning? After heavy snow (in the uk), maybe reasons for no reply

But it's only the following morning. I advise not to get into the good night and good morning texts thing. Gets very boring, very quickly.

I do not online date but do know people that do. This happens a lot , you need to learn how to handle it.

My friends DD just got engaged at Christmas, spent 3 months chatting online, met him and now after 3 years dating with a year of living together he has produced one of the loveliest rings I have ever seen. So no not just casual hook ups but there are obviously loads.

Look your profile pic clearly shows you are overweight so there is zero need to message that. It’s pretty obvious you have very low confidence and self esteem. Please work on that because as much as for some people both men and women they wouldn’t date someone overweight some clearly do. It’s obviously not an issue for this guy.

A few points here. Firstly, your so called friend is awful. She is judgemental and negative.

Secondly, reading through your posts, you seem to keep overemphasing on your weight- why is that so? As long as your photos are recent, clear, and unfiltered- why do you assume the men don't know what you look like? I am overweight and have some amazing pics on my profile. The men who match with me have only said nice things because they know what they want. Similarly, I don't swipe right on profiles that specify they want a slim woman- as simple as that! I also feel insecure about how I look but that is minor in terms of one's personality and what one brings to the table. Perhaps consider some counselling to unravel your self-esteem issues.

Speaking for 10 days without even suggesting a meet up is quite lengthy. If I click with someone, either party usually asks to meet and we decide whether it's coffee or dinner etc. Chatting endlessly is a waste of time.

And finally, being ghosted is extremely upsetting, irrespective of when it happens. Sadly, it is common and we don't get closure. These days I make a joke out of it and even address it head on so that my date is aware of how much I dislike it and that if they aren't interested, to just say so.

Please confide in better friends who will boost you in the right way, rather than pulling you down.

Please never feel the need to over advertise your weight. Your weight doesn’t define you and weight isn’t what will make you attractive or not to the people you want to attract anyway (why would you want to attract someone who would hate to be seen with someone overweight. So those who have a problem with your weight will filter themselves out anyway and those who remain likely won’t care about your weight as well aware.)

I am a lesbian and I date people of all sizes (I am skinny myself if it matters), my last partner was overweight and she was one of the most attractive people to walk this earth for me. I couldn’t have cared less if she was bigger than me. Her weight had no impact on her attractiveness.

I will say though that people having their own style makes a big difference to me. I feel that when people style themselves in a way that makes THEM feel sexy and confident then their energy become sexy and confident.

I am skinny but took a fair while to find my style and the reaction I have had from people have completely changed between the time where I dressed in “whatever” and now that I dress like “me”. Even the energy I give off when I am having a lazy day or am in work mode (with clothes that don’t feel like mine) completely changes.

In then end the outside appearance is only a small proportion of what matters but I think feeling confidently yourself in all areas could and might change your life. Irrelevant of your weight.

I think you need to learn to live yourself before trying to find someone. Your posts read as though you're very insecure about your weight and wonder why anyone would want to be with you.

Having said that, I am overweight. I have been for years but I met my husband online (via gaming of all things) when I was 18 and we're still together. He was my first everything, I didn't expect it to happen, I didn't think anyone would love me.

What I'm trying to say is, if someone doesn't want to be with you because of weight (that you could lose of you wanted to) then they don't deserve your time. The right person will enjoy being with you for you ans no because of your weight.

In regards to your friends comment... Who needs enemies when you've got friends like that?

Your friend is the one you should be ghosting.

You've been showing representative pics and thats that. You don't need to make more of a big deal of your weight than that.

Please stop overthinking the guy. People saying 'he's married' etc are pulling it out of nowhere. Someone always says that. He may be, but probably more like met someone else online or the chat ran out of steam for him and Christmas/new year has been a bad time for meeting. Maybe even gave up on the apps completely.

You didn't know him. You don't know anyone until you meet in person so don't invest emotionally until then. Try to meet within a week of matching if possible. No point wasting time or getting your hopes up. Just a coffee or drink.

I would be more upset about the 'friend's' weight comment!

Do not mention your weight.
Potential dates have eyes.

One of the many problems with dating apps is that it's a sea of people chatting to multiple people at the same time which always leaves ghosting open to happening if they decide to pursue someone else who they were also chatting to.

Apps are very brutal, you need to have a certain layer of thick skin and if you are in anyway insecure or delicate to rejection I'd get off the apps personally as it will likely only make you depressed.

Online dating is brutal, you’re not unreasonable to be upset, but I do think maybe OLD isn’t right for you as it’s very common to ghost people, even after meeting up.

Second guy has ghosted me now, we agreed to meet this weekend and now he's not answered my texts for three days

Brutal, isn't it?

that's the way it is. They haven't met you, so they don't know you. They don't feel they owe you anything. If you want to enjoy online dating you need to mentally detach because this sort of thing will happen. There is often no nasty intent, it's just the way it is.

@mardirousse no I know they don't owe me anything, I think it's just my morals - if something wasn't working out I'd send a quick message to say that.

That’s not how it works with online unfortunately. It’s not real until it happens a - words are cheap and you’ll be ghosted quite a lot.

It’s a brutal game that needs a thick skin

brutal is the right word. Dont invest much, as I said before, quickly move to the meet for a coffee phase with limited messaging and then just decide from there. Good luck

Yeah I think that the thing that got me about the first one was that we seemed to be getting on really well.

Just frustrating that a lot of them seem to be rude