AIBU to be genuinely upset about a guy ghosting me on an online dating app?

[AvidBee]

I posted in the relationships board a few days ago about feeling like I'll never have a relationship, as I've never had one and I'm now in my mid-20s.

I had decided at Christmas to download Tinder again and give it a go. I had been speaking to a guy for about 10 days or so, and felt like it was going really well. Flirty, jokey conversations, we were getting to know each other. And then out of the blue yesterday, literally mid conversation, he unmatched me.

I was literally just about to ask him if he wanted to meet up for a coffee, and he does that, out of the blue, no message to say he doesn't think it's going to work.

I'm gutted, it takes me a lot of confidence to even get to the point of wanting to meet up as I'm overweight and very insecure that when I do meet up with people, they'll be instantly turned off. Plus the fact that 90% of people that I match with, the conversations are dry, I try my hardest to get it going but they never seem to be that interested.

I text my friend and said I was genuinely upset, as I feel like that story of meeting someone and getting on with them never happens to me. I said feel like if I can't even get to the meeting for a coffee stage, I'll never get further than that. She told me I was being stupid, and that I shouldn't expect to find anyone on a dating site (or in real life) until I've lost the weight and I've made myself attractive.

AIBU to be upset by this entire thing?

The only way it really works if you are overweight is to be honest from the start. Have a full length photo on your profile, no funny angles and close ups of your face only. Otherwise, you will have the issue of them meeting you in person and thinking that you’re not quite what they expected. It leaves a bad taste and even if they like you, the dishonesty puts people off.
Other than that though, your weight won’t stop you meeting someone. I’m 13 stone and only 5ft3. Way too heavy for my height and I wear a size 16. I used dating apps, had loads of dates, some great and some not, on both sides (don’t waste time chatting for weeks, meet and see if it’s going anywhere). Then, I had one date almost exactly a year ago and we are going strong, very happy, committed, meeting friends and family. It’s a real relationship and we think we’re in it for the long haul.
Do not let your weight hold you back. Just don’t hide it.

You need a thick skin for online dating though. Being ghosted like that is the thing edge of the wedge of online dating shittiness. So… toughen up!

Your friend is a dick btw. Chuck her. Make space for better people in your life.

He's a twat, she's a cunt and I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than have either of them anywhere near me x

My opinion is that he was chatting to a few girls and a date was arranged with one of them before you got the chance to ask him to meet up.

There’s no point procrastinating on online dating sites…..if you see someone you like you need to get that date booked before someone else does.

Your friend sounds horrendous. I’d be more upset by that, than by being ghosted!

When I was online dating a few years back, this happened all the time. You feel a bit down/rubbish for a few hours/day or two and then remember you don’t even know that guy, ghosting is a reflection of him, not you, and then move on to the next! Good luck OP!

Just be honest in your profile. Lots of guys aren't that fussed what someone looks like as they like the personality they're after, rather than the things we worry about.

I always find it amusing that some colleagues are always right up to the minute following trends and making sure they have this seasons handbag or whatever.

Guys don't care.

They just care that you look nice and friendly in your photo. They don't tend to notice flab. They aren't as judgemental as we are, as your friend has so charmingly proved.

Could it be that you have low self esteem and that's what she meant, if you love yourself a bit more you won't be so hung up on what others think, you'll just think of "oh well your loss mate"?

If perhaps losing say four pounds would make you feel like that and it's something you want to do, you could try it. Should be doable in a month or two. If not and you're healthy, put your weight out of your mind and work on your view of yourself. Our weight shouldn't define who we are.

Oh, and if a guy wants a porno looking girlfriend for a partner he's been watching too much porn and will likely be unsatisfactory in bed so I'd be well glad to be overlooked by those useless pricks.

Well first the friend would be ditched and blocked end of.
In 10 days you no nothing about this man only what he has told you most likely lies so no loss there.
You will find someone there is someone for everyone and it has nothing to do with what size you are.
Im a big girl myself single by choice.

I was going to say yes but then read the end of your message and no, your friend was nasty and shouldn’t have made that comment. It’s perfectly understandable to be upset about that.

Relationships wise I know it’s easy to say but you’re only in your 20’s and often the best relationships come when you’re not expecting them.

Folks you chat with on dating apps who ghost you or for no reason end things aren’t worth your energy. Better that than meeting for coffee and him get up and leave without a word half way through that…

I always find it amusing that some colleagues are always right up to the minute following trends and making sure they have this seasons handbag or whatever.

I’ve followed many trends and purchased many designer handbags, never once for the male gaze. I think you’ll find most of us laughably vapid clothes horses dress for ourselves and each other.

If my outfit appeals more to the lowest common denominator of man than it does other fashion-minded women then I’ve failed, badly.

YANBU.

Modern dating is the ghetto. 10/10 do not recommend.

I think OLD has made this more common as people are talking to multiple people at once and the screen gives some distance. Sadly it’s part and parcel of modern dating and you just need a thick skin and to persevere.

Also you need a new friend.

Yeah, I thought that too.

His wife walked in.🙄

I think talking to someone for 10 days is way too long. If you did meet him you might not feel attracted to him at all so why invest all of that time "getting to know" him before you even see if there is any attraction or chemistry? You wouldn't be upset if you hadn't somehow emotionally invested in this when this person is a complete stranger still.

Many people on OLD seem to be the dregs, cheats, and scumbags. Tinder especially is not an ideal place to look. But if you are going to use OLD I think you need to chat a little then arrange to meet quickly so you don't waste time or emotional energy on people who may be losers or liars or completely incompatible when you meet them in person, and have zero expectations from people who you have only spoken to via messages.

I don't really understand the issue about your weight because presumably you put accurate photos on your profile, so this man would have been fully aware of how you look from when you started speaking?

Thanks everyone.

My profile does make it clear I'm overweight - I don't have a "skinny" face and I do have some long length photos up.

In terms of being upset, I'm not crying myself to sleep or anything like that, it just feels quite crap, when I thought it was going well.

In terms of talking for ten days, I really have no idea what I'm doing 😅 is that too long?

I think it's much too long because you may have no attraction to this person at all when you meet them, or they may just be stringing you along... some people go on OLD just to get attention and may not have any genuine intention to meet you at all. They might be a total timewaster, or somebody who isn't anything like they are pretending to be, or just gives you the creeps in person, or is totally boring, or gives you the ick in some way, or with whom you have no chemistry at all in person.

It's a waste of time and it seems then you're investing emotional energy into your idea of this person who you have never met and may be nothing like you imagine. Speak to someone briefly via messages, and if they appear to be reasonably intelligent and respectful and be able to hold and interesting conversation that isn't entirely about them, then arrange to video call them. After that, if it went well, arrange to meet them for coffee, then decide whether you'd like to see each other again. There's no point getting into an endless discussion via messages when there are many reasons that it may be a complete waste of time.

This will also mean you don't form some sort of emotional investment or out of proportion hope of this leading somewhere when you've never even met this person. They are a complete stranger so there's no point wasting a lot of time on them when you could also be looking at other options and talking to / meeting other people as well, until you find one you know is worth seeing a second or third time because you have met them in reality.

I met my husband via OLD and he messaged me on a Wednesday and we had our first date on the Saturday.

I didn't realise that at all!! I thought you should talk for longer, get to know them and then make a decision on meeting up!

As soon as I know I'm interested I propose a meet up. You'll never know whether you're genuinely attracted to each other and compatible until you do, so for me, there's no point in messaging for long at all.
I always propose meeting up in a busy place, so I feel safe, and I always have somewhere to go afterwards. If I like them, I suggest swapping phone numbers.

That's really, really rubbish of you.

Ghosting is just nasty, yes I appreciate in my situation it's not a big deal. But in general, not being able to say "hey I don't think this is working out" is a huge flaw.

Thinking about this, it could have nothing to do with you, more to do with him.
I have never been on an internet dating site, but I know younger people who have.
Maybe this man is more comfortable chatting online, when he sensed you were going to suggest a meeting, he got cold feet and blocked you.

Why would you do that? Surely taking 5 seconds to message someone to say "It was nice to meet you but we're not a good match." isn't that hard? Basic courtesy. Why would you need to block someone when they haven't done anything wrong and you've no reason to think they won't accept a "no" in good grace and leave it at that? Weird.

Lots of folk on these apps are only on for a laugh… the trick is to chat and then if they don’t suggest meeting within a few days, unmatch. And don’t get ahead of yourself in your mind….

There are a 1000 reasons he may have unmatched. He may have met the love of his life. He may have deleted his profile because he was fed up of apps. You'll have no idea. Forget about him.
But you don't need to come off the apps. Just don't leave it 10 days before meeting. Dont invest lots of time texting and flirting. Establish quickly if you can meet for a coffee, meet up and decide if he's worth meeting again. Then you can text and flirt etc.
Spend ZERO time worrying about those who ghost you. You'll never know why and it's not worth it.