AIBU to be genuinely upset about a guy ghosting me on an online dating app?

[AvidBee]

I posted in the relationships board a few days ago about feeling like I'll never have a relationship, as I've never had one and I'm now in my mid-20s.

I had decided at Christmas to download Tinder again and give it a go. I had been speaking to a guy for about 10 days or so, and felt like it was going really well. Flirty, jokey conversations, we were getting to know each other. And then out of the blue yesterday, literally mid conversation, he unmatched me.

I was literally just about to ask him if he wanted to meet up for a coffee, and he does that, out of the blue, no message to say he doesn't think it's going to work.

I'm gutted, it takes me a lot of confidence to even get to the point of wanting to meet up as I'm overweight and very insecure that when I do meet up with people, they'll be instantly turned off. Plus the fact that 90% of people that I match with, the conversations are dry, I try my hardest to get it going but they never seem to be that interested.

I text my friend and said I was genuinely upset, as I feel like that story of meeting someone and getting on with them never happens to me. I said feel like if I can't even get to the meeting for a coffee stage, I'll never get further than that. She told me I was being stupid, and that I shouldn't expect to find anyone on a dating site (or in real life) until I've lost the weight and I've made myself attractive.

AIBU to be upset by this entire thing?

Why stay for a 3 hour date then? I’ve met a guy who was older and much shorter than he claimed and said straight away ‘no sorry, this is a waste of our time’ and gone shopping on my own rather than spend time in a liars company

Your mate is a knobhead...

I'd look to try to arrange meeting for a coffee within a week when chatting. Any longer and they think it's a non starter. Also you don't want to drag it out in case you don't hit it off in person.

OLD is playing the numbers game, you'll have a load of chats that will fizzle quickly. Don't get over invested too soon.

You need a thick skin with online dating. Most likely you will come across tons of crap but you just have to keep going until you meet that someone. It's frustrating and annoying at times but so worth it if/when you meet that person who it works with.
I did online dating for several years and in my opinion there's no point chatting with someone longer than 1-5 days before meeting them to see if there's anything in real life to continue exploring. And I would have a phone call with the person before agreeing on meeting to figure out if you get along on the phone. Phone calls got me rid of several men I got along chatting but when talking they were definitely no.
Good luck! 😊

Online dating is just awful. If you can’t cope with being ghosted I would consider trying to meet people in other ways. My experience from OLD is pretty awful, I’ve lost count of how many times I have been ghosted and lied too, I would rather stay single than go back to it.

Definitely not!

The person on the other end of the screen could be an 80 year old guy for all you know!

The ‘person’ you are talking to isn’t real…..it’s just someone typing on a screen who could be pretending to be anything they want to be. The weeks of messaging and “getting to know each other” could be just be a total illusion, a fantasy they are creating.

Send a few messages and then arrange to meet up. You will never know who someone really is until you meet them.

There are dating apps specifically for overweight people, join one or more of them. Your confidence needs a boost and at least you wont blame your weight if you are ghosted on them.

Your friend needs ghosted though. She's not your friend.

The guy could have a thousand reasons for unmatching. Including getting banned from the app. Don't waste so much time in future, a week is enough to work out if you want to meet someone.

Onwards and upwards @AvidBee

OP it's not nice but if you're going to use dating apps you've got to get a thicker skin. They're not particularly nice places and you may experience worse than this.

Didn't say there aren't men on regular dating apps that aren't into bbw. I said her confidence needs the boost from a shitty friend telling her not to bother dating until she loses weight. The apps aren't catered to plus size men, there are "normal" men on them.

I've been messaging someone else, we've agreed to meet up next week (because of the bad weather). I think I'm going to send a message and be straight up and say "hey, I'm overweight, if this isn't something you're okay with say now" because I don't want to meet up with someone who isn't interested

I always thought Tinder was for more casual things, not a serious dating app.

You have pics where he can see you so there's no need to specify highlight you being overweight. It never stopped me getting attention and going on dates. However if you feel/think that you are undateable because of that then it's something you need to work on before dating.

there's no need. Just meet him up and see how it goes.
I have a missing bit of breast (cancer surgery) that I feel very insecure about. I don't tell people before meeting them. I'm not wasting their time or mine by not telling them this, either.

I met DH on there (not looking for a casual thing), so did two of my closet friends.

It's different for everyone. Some people I've matched with and met them the next day. With (now) DH we chatted for nearly a month before we met up...we both have kids so it was difficult to organise a child-free day. We matched on Tinder 6 years ago.

Ghosting is sadly all too common...it's easy when you haven't met the person to forget they're real and have feelings. I'd be far more upset at what your so-called friend said. Fuck her and find some better friends.

It's not you, it's him. Dust yourself off and move on with someone new.

Don't invest too much into OLD until you've established yourself as a couple with someone you've actually met up with a few times. There are too many people on OLD using it as an ego boost who have no intention of ever meeting anyone.

In future try and meet within a few days, in 10 days of constant chatting you've built up the guy into someone he's not. Meet within a maximum of 5 days of matching, if the chat has been good.

Your friend is absolutely horrible

You have dodged a bullet on the dating app. You do need a word with your ‘friend’ though! Not nice at all.

Your friend sounds awful.
I imagine most people on dating sites are talking to several people at once. Perhaps he had arranged a second date with someone else, and that is a good thing he cut things off with you.’
You haven’t even met this man.
Keep on with it op.

Gosh no don’t do that.

Just meet him with a view to making a new friend. A flirty friend! Focus on whether you like him, that’s your job on the date.

You need a much thicker skin to do OLD. I wouldn’t be able to.

This all depends on how your profile depicts you.

If you have some full length shots in where he can see you size then don't say anything.

If all your shots are angled in such a way to hide your size, then don't say anything BUT do take a look at your photos and see if you are presenting yourself as you, or are you presenting a view that could be construed as hiding the real you? I'm not saying stick a "weight watchers before" type picture up, but put up some photos so that people can see your size and make their own choice.

I'd not bring it up like you suggest, as that makes a point and its a negative perception. Adding some new photos and mentioning them to him in passing, doesn't mean it's an ultimatum.

I recommend following A Little Nudge on Instagram, she gives great advice re online dating and helps you to frame how to approach it so you don't get hurt going through the process

I'm definitely not hiding my weight on my profile, you'd have to be twisting it to believe I'm small.

I just struggle so much with the confidence haha, we agreed to meet up and now it's been radio silence to my texts since last night