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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We have a 3 month old and my partner bought a games console

97 replies

Bettinapink · 04/01/2025 12:22

Just that really. Am I out of order to be annoyed when my partner does all the cooking, cleaning and has a stressful job? The house is still quite messy.

Our baby is mostly breast fed and only calms down for me really. I can’t leave her for more than 10 minutes with him as she cries and feel a bit trapped. I feel like I do 80% if not more of the baby stuff including all bedtimes. He changes about 2 nappies a week.

Last night I was struggling upstairs with a crying baby who wouldn’t feed and he was playing his games and I felt raging. He couldn’t hear as he had the sound up so high. I text and asked for a bottle and he didn’t hear that either.

I feel like this is the worst time he could have brought one. He’s so lovely and besotted with her. We get on really well and have a right laugh, am I being mean begrudging him a bit of fun and down time?

OP posts:
PlantDoctor · 04/01/2025 12:24

I think your emotions are high because you're so overwhelmed and tired, but you're not unreasonable. Everyone needs a little downtime, and I wouldn't be mad about buying a games console, but I would be mad that he's not giving you enough support and has the volume too loud to hear when you need help. Why doesn't he help more?

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 04/01/2025 12:27

I think if he's working and taking care of the house then yabu

We all need a way to destress - maybe just ask him to keep the volume down and help out a bit more

Sirzy · 04/01/2025 12:27

He needs to keep the volume down.

You need to let him parent and be away from the baby for more than 10 minutes. The longer that stays as default the harder it will be to undo.

him playing some games to chill is fine.

TidyDancer · 04/01/2025 12:29

If you hadn't said he did all the cooking and cleaning I'd be more on your wavelength with this, it does sound like he pulls his weight.

Knittedfairies2 · 04/01/2025 12:29

You're still in the trenches with your baby, and your hormones will still be all over the place. I don't think you're exactly unreasonably annoyed that your partner has bought a games console because everyone needs downtime, but you do need to talk to him about his priorities.

Marleigh0 · 04/01/2025 12:30

What's the difference in gaming and watching TV? Would you have felt the same rage if he was watching TV and couldn't hear? He's doing a lot, he's OK to have some downtime. You deserve some too.

Homemadearmy · 04/01/2025 12:30

your baby is still very little and it has most probably been a really big adjustment for you both. I think it’s so easy for mums to be the default parent especially if you a breast feeding. But there is still time to change things. If your baby has the occasional bottle. Can your partner be in charge of that. That why you can have a block of time to yourself

mitogoshigg · 04/01/2025 12:31

My ex bought one for our DD's first birthday, umm don't think she really appreciated it!

SnoopysHoose · 04/01/2025 12:31

Surely this is a joke? He does everything in house and works FT, all you do is look after baby?
How dare he relax!!
Tell him to buy headphones.

Jamazon1 · 04/01/2025 12:31

Sounds like exhaustion is driving your reactions, completely understandable! If you get a rare window where you find your bearings a bit, you might be able to have a gentle discussion about those practical issues (needing a bottle/being able to interrupt him). You seem to think he’s a good Dad and doing his share of the home necessities so maybe a bit of R&R is ok. At least he’s not avoiding the house by being down the pub with his mates

Forgottobuymincepies · 04/01/2025 12:33

Raise your bar. A besotted df doesn't just clean up his dc twice a week.. Or game instead of supporting his dc's dm... He is a man child. A useless man child.

Rhubarbandfennel · 04/01/2025 12:33

I'd be inclined to go for ' good idea, I've been thinking about how I can get some downtime too and gaming would suit us both. Shall we agree on an hour each gaming per day?'

TooManyChristmasCards · 04/01/2025 12:36

as hard as it is, don't go into fights over who's the most tired and who is struggling the most. I promise you that is not helpful.

You were the one giving birth and BF the baby, no-one can change that. Of course you are exhausted.

my partner does all the cooking, cleaning and has a stressful job? The house is still quite messy. sounds like he does what he can. ASK him if you find something a bit messy to help you out and tidy that bit, don't nag, don't complain, it's hard but just try to stay civil with each other.

I feel like this is the worst time he could have brought one.
it sounds like the best time. He's staying home with you, not going to meet friends or going out. Ask him to keep the sound down.

PantherchameleonsocksforChristmas · 04/01/2025 12:36

The issue isn't the games console. Yes, he should be able to play his hobbies. The issue is, when is he playing them. Is it usually when the baby is asleep? That's fine if he is also keeping up with the cooking, cleaning, etc as you say. I think the issue with these games is that 1 hour play can easily lead to 3+ hours, and that isn't on when you have a little one.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/01/2025 12:38

You can leave her with him for more than 10 minutes, he’ll figure it out. Other than breastfeeding, he can do what you can do.

Don’t get into the habit of rushing in to settle her or a year down the line, you’ll still be the only one than can do it and just as stressed out and unhappy.

TooManyChristmasCards · 04/01/2025 12:38

Forgottobuymincepies · 04/01/2025 12:33

Raise your bar. A besotted df doesn't just clean up his dc twice a week.. Or game instead of supporting his dc's dm... He is a man child. A useless man child.

do you want him to quit his job and stop doing the housework?

HOW do you want him to support more? He can't breastfeed.🙄

Any PARENT, and it's mum or dad, who is not full-time with the child gets a bit overwhelmed and out of the loop.

Say he's not gaming, what do you want him to do at home? Is he banning the OP from reading, watching tv? What can you do really when you are carrying a baby?

PantherchameleonsocksforChristmas · 04/01/2025 12:39

SnoopysHoose · 04/01/2025 12:31

Surely this is a joke? He does everything in house and works FT, all you do is look after baby?
How dare he relax!!
Tell him to buy headphones.

I wouldn't be happy with that, and many others wouldn't. I would want some baby-free time. Dad's should be changing more than 2 nappies a week. It was a lot more this way with my DH too, but I at least could do some cooking whilst he had the baby whilst I did so (all he had to do was sit and watch tv whilst he cuddled baby).
Absolutely he should be able to play his hobbies. But also, so should she.

PiastriThePastry · 04/01/2025 12:40

Forgottobuymincepies · 04/01/2025 12:33

Raise your bar. A besotted df doesn't just clean up his dc twice a week.. Or game instead of supporting his dc's dm... He is a man child. A useless man child.

I can’t help but feel this is a little unreasonable. He could, and should, be doing more with baby than he is, but how much of that is op feeling she’s the only one who can settle baby and thus accidentally martyring herself a bit? He does all the cooking and the cleaning and provides financially by working full time, he’s far from useless I’d say.

BestZebbie · 04/01/2025 12:41

Did he buy the console because he has given up out-of-the-home hobbies? (But he shouldn't have the sound so high that he can't hear you shout).

Also - are there any games you could play whilst breastfeeding? :-)

dinmin · 04/01/2025 12:42

What percentage of house / baby / family life admin stuff that is done OUTSIDE his working hours does he do?
he doesn’t do much for the baby (although agree that you need to start leaving him with baby for longer or you’ll make it worse) but if he does everything around the house does it roughly even out?

IVFmumoftwo · 04/01/2025 12:44

Why not give the baby a dummy when they aren't wanting a feed but are grizzly? If he is doing quite a bit I don't see the issue with a games console as long as he doesn't get addicted to it.

Marleigh0 · 04/01/2025 12:45

Forgottobuymincepies · 04/01/2025 12:33

Raise your bar. A besotted df doesn't just clean up his dc twice a week.. Or game instead of supporting his dc's dm... He is a man child. A useless man child.

A useless man child? Who works full time and does all the cooking and cleaning? Yeah he needs to learn how to handle the baby for more than 10 mins and be able to settle them, but is it really an issue only changing 2 nappies in a week? Or OP doing more of a share of the baby things given that he's working full time and doing all cooking and cleaning?

Forgottobuymincepies · 04/01/2025 12:46

He changes 2 nappies a week.....
Would a working dm get away with that?

Ihopeyouhavent · 04/01/2025 12:46

Then why dont you do the cooking and cleaning and he looks after the baby?
Baby wont ever be comfortable with him if you dont give them a chance to form a bond. Leave the baby with him while you go for a walk or a coffee.

You arent BF 24hr days. Sounds to me like you are being a martyr and resent his downtime even though he sounds busy round the house.

If you arent cleaning or cooking, you must get your own downtime when the baby naps/sleeps?

Pandasnacks · 04/01/2025 12:46

Sounds like he’s trying his best. But once the baby is fed you need to hand her to him to settle sometimes, if you always do it then neither him or the baby have a chance of learning anything else.