We have a 3 month old and my partner bought a games console

[Bettinapink]

Just that really. Am I out of order to be annoyed when my partner does all the cooking, cleaning and has a stressful job? The house is still quite messy.

Our baby is mostly breast fed and only calms down for me really. I can’t leave her for more than 10 minutes with him as she cries and feel a bit trapped. I feel like I do 80% if not more of the baby stuff including all bedtimes. He changes about 2 nappies a week.

Last night I was struggling upstairs with a crying baby who wouldn’t feed and he was playing his games and I felt raging. He couldn’t hear as he had the sound up so high. I text and asked for a bottle and he didn’t hear that either.

I feel like this is the worst time he could have brought one. He’s so lovely and besotted with her. We get on really well and have a right laugh, am I being mean begrudging him a bit of fun and down time?

If she has reflux, you can prop her bed mattress up a bit. I used to role up towels and pop them underneath. Also utilise baby gaviscon as its good stuff.

Try to feed baby more upright as well, which can require some interesting positioning when bf'ing. My middle child had bad reflux, in fact he's now 13yo and still does..but these are some things that helped.

Tiger hold as well was another one which was good, but is usually best done by Dad and requires a stronger forearm..

My DP did all the cooking for ages after we had our DC - yes in theory you should get baby used to dad etc etc but when everyone’s tired you just do whatever’s easiest rather than give yourselves another job.

Similar to you we had a Velcro baby who only ever wanted to be on me - it is exhausting! What worked for us was to get DP and DC used to a soft sling and they would go for walks. DC would fall asleep eventually and I could relax once they were out of the house.

Do insist on some downtime though - cooking a meal is much more relaxing than constantly looking after a baby, for me at least the two tasks are not comparable, of course you are tired.

I feel for you, i really do.

Sounds like its time to stop the gentle chat and be more serious. Doesnt matter if he prefers the cooking, he's the dad and has a responsibility to the baby to form a better bond and he has to realise that.

Us mums will often take over all the baby stuff because its easier, but in the long run it isnt.

If he doesnt sort himself out now he'll regret it because these times are when he can form that baby.

Maybe show his thread, show him that you and others appreciate all his does, but you need more.

Presumably you are on Maternity leave. Could you not manage to do housework? Most people on maternity leave would manage a baby and housework.

Make time for yourself. Go out for coffee. You'll feel like a new person.

I wish someone had just told me that as long as my baby is safe and cared for that they will be ok for an hour, even if they are upset.

But then 2 years down the line OP will be commenting that she’s never left her child because they ‘prefer’ mum and she’s stuck doing bedtime every night with a partner frustrated that they always want mum.

You see threads like that all of the time on here. Both parents being equal from the start except breastfeeding is the ideal.

If you swoop in too often he will feel he’s failing in your eyes and that will discourage him from attempting to help more.
does he help with bath time as even reflux babies mostly enjoy their bath?, a quick walk propped up in the pram? Build their time together slowly but surely and you will all feel the benefit

I was like this.
But you need to let him learn how to soothe her.

This is what we did when my son was really little. He'd be in his moses basket next to dad gaming while I slept for a few hours 🤣 he used to enjoy watching.. bottle fed though

How patronising. Swooping in ‘When I have decided enough’s enough’.
the man is your child’s other parent yet he is not allowed to parent. No wonder he thinks oh well I mat as well feck off back to my game. Why should he prove himself to you?

He's really not useless if he's working full time in a stressful job and doing all the cooking and cleaning.

it’s good that you recognise the need for a calmer moment to talk. It’s tough when emotions and exhaustion creep in, but your intention to communicate well shows how much you care.

I completely agree! This is the perfect setup, let him take over while you rest or get a few things done. At 12 weeks, she’ll be just fine for a few hours, and he’s more than capable. You deserve the break!

He should be doing more with the baby and there is no reason why you can't leave him and go out with a friend, go to yoga, have a walk , lie down with a book etc. Baby will survive.
I do think your partner needs some down time too . Can you do more of the housework so that there is more free time in the evenings and weekends for each of you to pursue your interests? PlayStation would not be my choice of hobby but I don't really see what is wrong with it either.

Ask DH to teach you some of the games and to support you playing while he settles the baby sometimes.

Have a proper chat about being able to communicate about the gaming. It is polite to say that you are about to check out of family life for the next hour, alerting spouse that you can't hear door bell etc.
It's reasonable that any family member can interupt a game for an important reason.
Op, it's unfair that you feel abandoned. You still need to have more respect in the household than the gaming console.
Your DH is putting in and deserves some down time.
Arrange and claim yours too.

Your social life is fucked for years anyway so sounds like the ideal time to me. Get some games you both enjoy and that’s your Saturday nights sorted.

He does seem to be pulling his weight so I think it's a bit unreasonable to say about the console he should have some time out and so should you baby is young and your a partnership talk to him

Amazed you are told yabu.

I would have demanded it went back when i saw it and as it is I'd probably have thrown it out a bedroom window in a fit of anger....
However... I was (genuinely) veryclear when i met my dh if he biked, golfed, gamed or held a football season ticket i didnt want to date and if he took any of them up in the course of our relationship he could expect me to leave / divorce him because lonely life isnt what im here for.

Since he has it i suggest you leverage it and improve your situation.
You need to step back and let him settle her his way.
If it wasnt dangerous i said FA even if i was like 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 and just let my dh get on with it.

sit down and agree a schedule...He gets 4 hours a week (or whatever) mutually agreed to game his brains out and you also get 4 hrs free time too (nail, gym lunch, walk in the park,solo shopping WHATEVER)
Timetable your 4 hrs wisely to suit you. The time he is solo with the the baby during babies wake windows will help him gain more confidence and bond with baby.
You can take yours in 1 hr blocks if you want.

This will improve life for everyone as it will strengthen his bond / relationship with the baby and stop resentment.

However... I was (genuinely) veryclear when i met my dh if he biked, golfed, gamed or held a football season ticket i didnt want to date and if he took any of them up in the course of our relationship he could expect me to leave / divorce him because lonely life isnt what im here for.

so basically “don’t you dare have a life that doesn’t revolve around me” sounds a healthy way to live!

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower However... I was (genuinely) veryclear when i met my dh if he biked, golfed, gamed or held a football season ticket i didnt want to date and if he took any of them up in the course of our relationship he could expect me to leave / divorce him because lonely life isnt what im here for.

Jesus, he should have run a mile from someone who wants to control his spare time. Why would you be lonely if he had a hobby, aren't you capable of spending time on your own?

You need to agree a window of time for each of you away from the baby to use as you want. He might play some games, you might go to the gym, its your time to relax and do what you each want to do.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with him having a games console. Judge him by his contribution and what he’s doing in his downtime is pretty irrelevant (within reason)