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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We have a 3 month old and my partner bought a games console

97 replies

Bettinapink · 04/01/2025 12:22

Just that really. Am I out of order to be annoyed when my partner does all the cooking, cleaning and has a stressful job? The house is still quite messy.

Our baby is mostly breast fed and only calms down for me really. I can’t leave her for more than 10 minutes with him as she cries and feel a bit trapped. I feel like I do 80% if not more of the baby stuff including all bedtimes. He changes about 2 nappies a week.

Last night I was struggling upstairs with a crying baby who wouldn’t feed and he was playing his games and I felt raging. He couldn’t hear as he had the sound up so high. I text and asked for a bottle and he didn’t hear that either.

I feel like this is the worst time he could have brought one. He’s so lovely and besotted with her. We get on really well and have a right laugh, am I being mean begrudging him a bit of fun and down time?

OP posts:
MobilityCat · 04/01/2025 12:47

It's completely understandable to feel frustrated in this situation. Caring for a baby is exhausting, and when most of the responsibility falls on you, it's natural to feel overwhelmed. While it's good that your partner is supportive in other areas like cooking and cleaning, the uneven distribution of baby care can leave you feeling trapped and unacknowledged.
Your feelings aren't mean or unreasonable. You just seem to need more support with the baby, especially during moments when you're struggling. It's not about begrudging him some downtime but about that you both have a chance to recharge and that responsibilities are shared more fairly. Maybe you can have a calm, open conversation when you're both relaxed. Tell him how you're feeling without blaming, him and talk about how he can be more involved with the baby. Maybe you can agree on specific baby care tasks or set times for him to step in so you can take a break too. You're obviously in this together, and it sounds like you have a strong foundation. With a bit more balance, you'll probably feel more supported.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2025 12:48

Forgottobuymincepies · 04/01/2025 12:33

Raise your bar. A besotted df doesn't just clean up his dc twice a week.. Or game instead of supporting his dc's dm... He is a man child. A useless man child.

That holds down a stressful job and does all the cooking and cleaning?

And has a baby that on the whole, at present, is permanently attached to the OP?

That should change as the baby gets older but he clearly isn't useless

itsmylife7 · 04/01/2025 12:48

was he in to gaming before or is this a new thing ?

TooManyChristmasCards · 04/01/2025 12:48

why don't you play games too?

No sarcasm, but babies held on you upright tend to settle ok, especially when they have reflux.

Video games are a waste of time, possibly, but there's only so much you can do with a young baby.

I feel like I do 80% if not more of the baby stuff including all bedtimes.
If you are home on maternity leave and breastfeed, that's part of the game I am afraid. You can still put the baby down and have a shower, and you need to leave dad figure stuff out. What becomes second nature because you do it all the time, nappies, burping and everything feels a bit more awkward when you are at work all day, but it's doesn't matter if it's not "Perfect".

It gets worst when you have a toddler who change their mind every 5mn, and what you knew in the morning before work has completely changed by the time you come home at night.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 04/01/2025 12:49

A few suggestions
Negotiate a good time for him to 'game' (and keep the volume down to a reasonable level so he can hear you and/or the baby)
A good time for you to relax where he's in charge
Workout how he can soothe the baby without you

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/01/2025 12:50

He needs to put the volume down but otherwise I think it is fine for him to have a console. You will both be spending a lot more nights in, and after 3 months he doesn't need to hover anxiously around you.

Things will be getting easier for you too now you are out of the newborn stage.

YouZirName · 04/01/2025 12:51

Of course YABU. it sounds like you want him to suffer just because you feel like you are. He's working full time and holding down most of the day to day stuff - you're more than capable of doing the rest.

AnarchismUK · 04/01/2025 12:52

Honestly, whilst no one should dismiss your feelings, I think DH does more than most.
I wouldn't have expected much beyond a couple of baths and bedtime stories when I was at home all day.
The house and meal (batch cooking is your friend) would have been done so the three of us could have quality time together at night and on a weekend.

MinnieBalloon · 04/01/2025 12:55

You’re focusing on the wrong thing here. There’s nothing wrong with him buying and using a games console.

His actions are what you need to focus on. He does all the cooking and cleaning and works.

Of course baby is glued to you. They’re still in the newborn stage at 3 months. Even though it’s the tail end of it all baby wants is going to want is you.

That doesn’t mean he can’t care for her, though. Why don’t you some some cooking and cleaning and let them bond?

YABVU.

BarbaraHoward · 04/01/2025 12:55

DH is a gamer but it's never been a problem because he games in his downtime and not when work/house/kid stuff needs to be done.

He's always pulled his weight with the DC (and changed every nappy when he was home), but even so at three months with breastfed babies that was mostly on me.

It's hard to figure out from your post if your DH is a piss taker or you're just exhausted or (most likely) a little of both.

Firawla · 04/01/2025 12:56

He does all the cooking and cleaning and works, but he can’t have a bit of relaxation time?! Yabu

Lourdes12 · 04/01/2025 13:02

I think as long as he is helping where he can it’s fine. He needs to relax if he’s working a lot. The baby needs their mum a lot during the early year whilst breastfeeding. You’ll get your time back. Be thankful that your other half is not demanding you to do the house work as well as looking after the baby

BunnyLake · 04/01/2025 13:04

Forgottobuymincepies · 04/01/2025 12:33

Raise your bar. A besotted df doesn't just clean up his dc twice a week.. Or game instead of supporting his dc's dm... He is a man child. A useless man child.

He does all the cooking and cleaning and has a stressful job, thats hardly useless. OP needs to let the baby get used to being with the dad for longer even if the baby is unsettled.

usernother · 04/01/2025 13:15

He works, and does all the cooking etc. of course he can buy a games console if he wants. I would too if I was him. You say you cannot be away from the baby for more than 10 mins? Does this mean your baby never naps or sleeps?

BigMingeEnergy · 04/01/2025 13:20

Forgottobuymincepies · 04/01/2025 12:33

Raise your bar. A besotted df doesn't just clean up his dc twice a week.. Or game instead of supporting his dc's dm... He is a man child. A useless man child.

So useless that he's working full time, does all the cooking AND all the housework?

Yeah right.. he's not perfect but he's not a 'useless man child' as you put it. Far from it.

JayJayj · 04/01/2025 13:21

He needs to do more.
My husband has a physical job. But whenever he is home if our daughter’s nappy needed changing he changed it. Did most bath times. Gave her a bottle of expressed milk while I had a bath.
If I was still in PJs after a hard day and hadn’t done anything he would wash up or hoover or whatever needed doing.
Baby’s at this age generally prefer mum but if he put more effort in your baby would settle for him.

I would be annoyed if my husband spent a large amount of money without discussing it first. But this has nothing to do with the console it’s his lack of parenting and support.

BigMingeEnergy · 04/01/2025 13:23

Forgottobuymincepies · 04/01/2025 12:46

He changes 2 nappies a week.....
Would a working dm get away with that?

Depends of the father is at home full time with no housework, and no cooking to do.

OctoRay01 · 04/01/2025 13:23

I appreciate it's harder with a BF baby but there's nothing to stop him holding baby to settle them after you've fed and he could do this while playing?

My DH is a gamer and did this all the time when our DC were this age. It gave me some time to myself away from baby which was invaluable!

Pandasnacks · 04/01/2025 13:23

JayJayj · 04/01/2025 13:21

He needs to do more.
My husband has a physical job. But whenever he is home if our daughter’s nappy needed changing he changed it. Did most bath times. Gave her a bottle of expressed milk while I had a bath.
If I was still in PJs after a hard day and hadn’t done anything he would wash up or hoover or whatever needed doing.
Baby’s at this age generally prefer mum but if he put more effort in your baby would settle for him.

I would be annoyed if my husband spent a large amount of money without discussing it first. But this has nothing to do with the console it’s his lack of parenting and support.

Well he does all of the cooking and all of the cleaning which despite working full time in a stressful job. That’s pretty supportive if we are being honest and realistic.

Original poster
Bettinapink · 04/01/2025 13:26

Thanks I needed some outside perspectives as I sensed I was being a bit over the top. I am just exhausted.

Baby has reflux. Baby won’t sleep in own crib, have tried and tried various ideas to help settle. Will only sleep on someone/cosleeping. Won’t go in baby carrier often, when does I do help with cleaning and get stuff done, I just am very aware my partner does the majority.

Kitchen is a state from last night still. Don’t begrudge a bit of play it’s just I know it will tip into hours. And I thought why now, why not in a couple of months when baby is more settled.

OP posts:
EuclidianGeometryFan · 04/01/2025 13:28

OP, as a priority you have got to get baby used to being with him.
It is simply not sustainable to say that you can't be away from baby for over 10 mins and just accept that - you have got to change it.

Ask DH to take baby out for a walk in pram or sling, for 20 mins after he is home from work. You can use the time to get dinner started.
Later in the evening, ask him to deal with baby while you go out for a walk for 10 mins, then 20 mins.
Then increase to 30 mins, then up to 60 mins, longer at weekends.

The goal is that by the time she is weaning, you are able to be away from baby for several hours - either you go out, or he goes out and you catch up with stuff at home.

If you don't do this, you will regret it.

PickledElectricity · 04/01/2025 13:29

YANBU to feel that way but maybe you need a chat about it. My partner plays games too - after baby is settled and asleep. Sometimes he cleans up and then plays, other times he plays and panic cleans before bed.

Everydayimhuffling · 04/01/2025 13:29

OP, does the baby sometimes cry when you hold her? Of course they do. A baby being held and comforted can cry for more than 10 minutes. If you can't manage for that long then leave the house or get in the bath. Don't become the only baby expert.

Original poster
Bettinapink · 04/01/2025 13:29

MobilityCat · 04/01/2025 12:47

It's completely understandable to feel frustrated in this situation. Caring for a baby is exhausting, and when most of the responsibility falls on you, it's natural to feel overwhelmed. While it's good that your partner is supportive in other areas like cooking and cleaning, the uneven distribution of baby care can leave you feeling trapped and unacknowledged.
Your feelings aren't mean or unreasonable. You just seem to need more support with the baby, especially during moments when you're struggling. It's not about begrudging him some downtime but about that you both have a chance to recharge and that responsibilities are shared more fairly. Maybe you can have a calm, open conversation when you're both relaxed. Tell him how you're feeling without blaming, him and talk about how he can be more involved with the baby. Maybe you can agree on specific baby care tasks or set times for him to step in so you can take a break too. You're obviously in this together, and it sounds like you have a strong foundation. With a bit more balance, you'll probably feel more supported.

Thank you! This is a lovely reply.

A conversation when I’m less emotional would be a good idea. Usually we communicate quite well but I’m aware my tone can be awful when I’m tired.

OP posts:
Pandasnacks · 04/01/2025 13:29

Bettinapink · 04/01/2025 13:26

Thanks I needed some outside perspectives as I sensed I was being a bit over the top. I am just exhausted.

Baby has reflux. Baby won’t sleep in own crib, have tried and tried various ideas to help settle. Will only sleep on someone/cosleeping. Won’t go in baby carrier often, when does I do help with cleaning and get stuff done, I just am very aware my partner does the majority.

Kitchen is a state from last night still. Don’t begrudge a bit of play it’s just I know it will tip into hours. And I thought why now, why not in a couple of months when baby is more settled.

Then this is ideal, now he’s gaming baby can sit up/sleep on him while you sleep or clean. Hand that baby over and take a break. She won’t starve to death over a few hours at 12 weeks old
and he’s a responsible caring grown up, he’s got this.