We have a 3 month old and my partner bought a games console

[Bettinapink]

Just that really. Am I out of order to be annoyed when my partner does all the cooking, cleaning and has a stressful job? The house is still quite messy.

Our baby is mostly breast fed and only calms down for me really. I can’t leave her for more than 10 minutes with him as she cries and feel a bit trapped. I feel like I do 80% if not more of the baby stuff including all bedtimes. He changes about 2 nappies a week.

Last night I was struggling upstairs with a crying baby who wouldn’t feed and he was playing his games and I felt raging. He couldn’t hear as he had the sound up so high. I text and asked for a bottle and he didn’t hear that either.

I feel like this is the worst time he could have brought one. He’s so lovely and besotted with her. We get on really well and have a right laugh, am I being mean begrudging him a bit of fun and down time?

My husband was made to be a dad and loves looking after our children. I don't think he's ever gamed more than when our kids were that age - I have several adorable photos of him holding a sleeping baby while gaming. It was just an easy way to mind the baby while I got some rest.

You'll get a lot of people purely focusing on the games console here op because MN is very very anti gaming. But there are 2 separate things here -

He bought a games console. Not a big deal if you can afford it as a family and it's his way of unwinding When Appropriate.

Which leads to Issue 2 - he needs to know it's fine to game/read/mess on his phone in quiet moments, in between the busy day to day bits of work, house, baby etc. Same that it's fine if YOU watch TV, read, take a long bath in between your day to day bits.

You guys have a new baby, you'll both be "not quite at your best" let's say because that's totally normal. Try and have a calm chat about how you both see stuff working over the next few weeks then check in as the baby grows and routines change.

Buying a console isn't the end of the world but changing 2 nappies a week is a bit shite. If it wasn't the console, would he be on his phone or similar? Maybe he just needs a bit of a shake and a reminder things are Different Now!

How do you know it's not the mother rushing in to deal with the baby if it cries when Dad has it?

Thanks this is useful advice! I can’t bare to think of her feeling distressed so I swoop in when I feel like the crying has gone on long enough.

Let him get used to baby, feed her, spend time with her, no need to be a martyr and say oh I can't leave her, of course you can.
Divide the chores differently, leave her with dad whilst you have a bath.

’You'll get a lot of people purely focusing on the games console here op because MN is very very anti gaming.’

3 pages in and that isn’t what’s happened at all. ‘Mumsnet’ posters can sometimes read the whole context of OP posts you no.

Baby sounds quite high needs as they say, could baby have an allergy? Mine did and it got a lot better once we had worked that out.

In terms of the game console I think I would ask him to put a time limit on it so he can't spill into hours and hours of sitting there while you pick up the slack. It's also worth reminding him that he won't be able to game around the baby because babies shouldn't be getting screen time in general and they also shouldn't be exposed to the content of most games.

Instead of swooping in, grit you teeth and leave the house, or put headphones on, so you can't hear her.

Discuss this with DH so he knows the new regime - he has got to do more baby stuff and in return you will do more house stuff, and you will both have equal amounts of downtime / hobby or relaxation time outside of his working hours.

He is the father, you have got to leave him to care for her - they will both be fine once they have got more used to each other.

Gaming was and has always been one of my decompressing things, sounds like he does a lot work and house wise.
We're no use to anyone burnt out.

Maybe I am being a bit of a martyr. Truth is he tries to settle her his way and just sits on the sofa with her. So she cries. I’ve gently tried to talk to him about different techniques. He prefers to do the cooking.

She had some problems feeding and with reflux so for a long time we were feeding 6-8 hours a day for first 2 months, then she would cry when put down. So would have to be upright and held a lot.

I actually disagree with this a bit. ( Not on you, I just chose your post)
I think the 'uneven distribution of parenting ' as you put it is normal and good at that age.
A baby has a primary caregiver, there is a reason we have that term. They have a primary bonding relationship.
It's not always the mum, but if at all possible, it should be the mom.
Biologically speaking a baby is primed to bond with and need their mother .
It's entirely natural and necessary that a child has a so called default parent before 1. Thats the start to secure attachment.

I do agree that it is all consuming and can be overwhelming for an (especially first time) mum.
And absolutely, dad can put baby in the pram and walk to the park for an hour so that mum can have a shower or some alone time. Or do bath time once in a while.
However I always say, reframe it a bit. Op, your contact hours with baby is going to be more. Don't try to fight that. Lean I to it.
I get to breastfeed and be my baby's one and all. Instead of resenting dh, do you know how much he is missing out on?. It isn't nice to hold your own child and them crying for their mum. But a dad shouldn't be competing for a baby's attention. It's normal and natural for a baby to want their mother. And it's so beautiful to be able to provide that.. hard, yes, but in a way you have a bonding with baby that her father won't have with her for at least another few months or the first year.
To be completely honest, 80% of everything to do with they baby falling on the mom on mat leave sounds about right to me. I would even say up to 90% for such a young baby. If you look at childhood development, a dad or grandmother or whatever should pick up the slack from the house and everything other than the baby. They should be freeing mums hand so that she doesn't have to cook or clean or do shopping, they shouldn't be having the baby 50-50.
And I know that's the new narrative in today's time. 'a dad is also a parent, he should do 50-50.'.
That's not ideal though. A young baby needs their mother and is absolutely hardwired to look for her.
So I just wanted to reframe that in your mind that having more contact hours with your baby is so developmentally advantageous.

Can you have a nice chat with dh and ask, hey darling I know she struggles to settle with you but I'd love 45 minutes, can you walk to the park ?(babies love the outdoors and generally sleep well when our especially when moving ie in stroller or baby carrier)
But I wouldn't be necessarily asking him to take DC when she cries or giving her a bottle unless absolutely necessary. When she cries she needs mum
And thsi will change, as children grow older and approach a year the spread can be more equal, but it won't be for now.

Then just my opinion and not based in fact (as above)😅 I think him working full time and doing cooking in cleaning is quite a feat. No because he is male, but because he works full time and takes on all domestic duties. It's also tiring.
Again just me, but at 3 months post partum I wouldn't be expecting a partner that work s full time to take on 100% of those tasks. First few weeks yeah, but if I'm on mat leave I do a bot more of the housework unless baby needs me.
That's just me, but might give you an idea that your setup isn't necessarily common.

Also I wouldn't think it funny of my dh brought a gaming console, but that's because of my stance on gaming in general😂
However it is often quite isolating for a new dad as they feel very inadequate and useless, so using his free time isnt unreasonable. It is a bit depressing to make him sot around and not get on with anything just in anticipation that you might need help.
I mean we've all been there in the middle of the night, up and breastfeeding a baby and looking over at our peacefully sleeping dh thinking ' you absolute bastard, how dare you sleep like a log and I be up'
But really what would it achieve to wake him? He has work in the morning, I can take a short snooze with DC in the day, what would it help him to also be up and look at me while a breastfeed? To change the nappy? That takes 30 seconds, it doesn't really add to my awake time.
Let him sleep so he can better handle my irrational sleep deprived moods in the morning.

Good luck op, it gets easier!!!

Totally agree but by saying “he needs to learn how to handle the baby for more than 10 min” maybe he is. Maybe OP rushes in to take the baby as the baby is still crying. Potentially OP you are enabling his behaviour and he gives up, gives the baby over and goes to play his games.

I know you probably didn't mean it, but I do think it's wrong to tell a mom to let go of her instincts to soothe her baby.
We shouldn't be shutting ourselves down in the name of equality.
I am hardwired to go to my baby when they cry. There will be a time when dad can settle her and when she might even prefer dad as she gets a toddler, but I absolutely do not need to grit my teeth and let my baby cry. It doesn't feel natural to 99% of woman to just leave their baby. We should be allowed to feel that

Yeah OP has said she rushes in and takes the baby.

Right. I”m not blaming her - we have all done it to get the baby to stop crying but I would suggest being annoyed at this point is a bit unjustified.

It's never going to get better unless you stop interfering. Let him learn to settle her in his own way, me and my DH both had different ways and techniques. He'll find his, but not if you keep getting involved.

Sometimes husbands/partners don't seem to understand that the whole time theyve commuted to work, done their job, commuted home - you've also been working. That whole time.

So when they come home they can feel like spending 30mins with their offspring is enough, eat dinner, go up and game. And think it's fine.

But that means you've only had that 30mins they've played with the baby that you're off duty!!! All day!

You probably need a gentle conversation about that to point out that you've been on duty all day, and now the days over for you both, between say 7pm to 10pm you both need to have a rest/chill.

So half of that should be your time to rest/chill, and half his time to rest.

(Minus any other chore time, eg bathing baby, doing dishes or washing, half each etc.)

He needs to do more with the baby to bond. Otherwise that'll be the excuse trotted out daily "she doesn't like me as much as you" or "doesn't relax with me as much as you" or whatever.

He works, ''in a stressful job'', he cooks and cleans.. I'd say it's more than fair that the ''baby care'' falls mainly on you while you are still on maternity leave.

Of course the baby cries for you, I think that's natural for a baby to want its mother over father in the early days.

Is he gaming now while the kitchen is a state and you're on baby duty? I don't think that's ok. Gaming is for when everything else is done.

Agree about letting him look after the baby though, it's really important that they're well used to each other. He'll find his own ways of comforting her, just as you'll find your own methods change as she develops.

Baby may be too young yet, but we adopted the pattern that DH would be responsible for bathtime and bedtime during the week (to the point where baby was ready for bed and he handed him to me to breastfeed), while I got on with cleaning up after the day. That meant that we could both sit down once baby was in bed (until they wanted something :) )

It enabled DH to bond with the baby, and gave me a break from constantly being with them. It also meant we shared tasks rather than anything being solely one person's job (breastfeeding clearly excepted!)

I think a routine like this would be helpful for OP?

Is he gaming now while the kitchen is a state and you're on baby duty? I don't think that's ok. Gaming is for when everything else is done.

I'm sitting here on chilling on my laptop while the kitchen is a state. It will still be a mess in a few hours when I get around to cleaning it. The world won't stop spinning.

YABU I have a games console and did when DS was a baby. It’s a hobby the same as reading

My baby was just like yours minus the reflux! It gets much easier for baby & husband to bond after 4/5 months. You don’t need to leave for them to bond, you can do things together as a 3. Or they can play with you in the room. Eventually it’ll just improve.
My EBF baby is now 10 months and super attached to his father.
It’s normal for your baby to want you! It’s also normal for you to want them!

It’s difficult to watch the other parent having proper down time when you’re not getting any at all. On one hand you want to do the baby care as it seems easier than hearing her cry when she’s with him. But on the other, you’re relying on her growing out of this unsettled phase, when it might just mean that you’re stuck being the ‘settler’ for the foreseeable. All babies are different, you might be right and see does settle soon, but she might not.

I think you need start engineering some time to yourself. Proper time, away from baby crying- I can’t relax when mine cries. That’s a normal instinct. Ask your DH to put baby in the pram and go and walk for half an hour or so. Have a shower and wash your hair. Build it up to an hour, have a soak in the bath. She might come back crying but she was perfectly safe and you got a bit of time to yourself.

My husband has always been a gamer. Family first but it got harder to have outside hobbies when we had kids so there is more inside hobby time. It doesn't bother me as long as nothing else is happening. I think it honestly sounds like you need to have a minute to yourself as well - maybe you can swap nights or even just each take a couple hours to wind down every couple days? It's good to work out some polite structure if there's only 1 telly or too much noise or whatever but mostly I think it's nice that he's worked out that he'll need to be home more and has something he enjoys doing.

But please make sure you get some down time too! Put in headphones or go on a walk and leave him to it. If the baby is on bottles you can just go whenever works for you both. It's so important for both parents to develop this relationship so no one is inherently single parenting.