Adult birthday etiquette.

[creamandcookies2]

I am aware I may be coming across as selfish but want outside perspectives. I never celebrated my own birthdays as a child and I wasn't allowed to any other birthday parties. I didn't officially celebrate my own birthday until I was in mid 20s when I received a cake from work. This means I am unsure of how much is normal for an adult to celebrate their birthday? I ask this because I am feeling a bit hurt about the lack of interest in my recent birthday from my husband. It is very soon after Christmas, and although I did receive a box of chocolates and a voucher (very kind of him but I cannot use it as I don't have the product it is for), there was no mention or arrangement of doing something nice as a family. This has left me feeling a bit upset as I feel I am always an afterthought. My H had a big birthday last year (half a century) and I took him on a very expensive night away. My 30th was during covid so understandably I didn't do anything but we have never done anything since. I also worked all over Christmas and New Year so was just wanting something nice to look forward too.
AIBU to be upset? Or are birthdays not considered a big deal once adulthood begins?

IMO you're entitled to the kind of birthday you want, and can 'train' the people closest to you to realise it's a big deal and you want to be celebrated 😂
Your husband probably treats your birthday like he'd assume you could treat his - from experience, he may not connect you spoiling him = he should spoil you. Have a calm conversation, not on/near your birthday, that your feelings were hurt and you'd appreciate it if he made a bigger deal of the plans.

First, I’m so sorry you didn’t get to celebrate your birthdays as a child. Have you discussed that with your husband? I think for most adults we kind of choose how big a deal we want to make each year and organise/hint/ boldly state exactly what we want and expect for ourselves. But I totally understand with your background why you would hope for someone else to use their initiative and organise a big celebration for you. I think you are totally entitled to want that but you might need to spell it out. Xx

I take responsibility for instigating my own birthday celebrations, whether it's at work or at home. It's my invitation to ask others to celebrate with me.

That sounds difficult, and I can understand why you might be upset. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, some people go large and some people barely mark the day. What matters is what you want from it, did you have a conversation with DH about what you hoped to happen? Some people really struggle to imagine how to celebrate someone else's birthday, could it be that the intention was good but the execution poor? I hope you managed to have a nice time in some way.

Oh OK. So adults normally arrange their own birthday celebrations? Thank you. I wasn't aware of that.

You have to tell others what you expect. Some adults do nothing and some go all out. Me and my hubby go all out, but I had to set the expectations early on that this is what I want. Family day out, presents, no chores, meals cooked and a fuss made all day.

OP, I do think it’s a matter of “training up” your DH. The importance of birthdays is massively different for different people. - if my DH got me some flowers and a card, I’d be fine with it, but I know my DSis would be crushed if she didn’t get an actual present. I’m happy if the only celebration for my birthday is a meal out - preferably but not necessarily on my birthday - but other people might think that wasn’t enough. Your DH isn’t a mind reader - if you want presents and fuss, then you have to let him know!

We give cards and a present and go out for dinner at a place chosen by the birthday person.

And the last few years I've made a cake for anyone in the family that has a birthday, including me

A meal out to me is celebrating it, I don't want to much of a fuss. He is aware by now I am sure, as I have mentioned not being able to celebrate my 30th 3 years ago, and as I paid a lot of money for his 50th for a weekend away, I would have thought he would have felt it was important to do something nice. Even just a lie in for a couple of hours and having one of my favourite meals cooked would be nice! I'm not expecting expensive presents. I suppose it is a bad time of year which makes it difficult for him as well.

Those who arrange their birthday celebrations themselves, do you also pay for it yourself? I assumed the idea was to buy pay for the other person but perhaps I am wrong?

We now do an amazon list each so it takes the stress out of it. We do always get a cake and go out for a meal. It is a big birthday for me this year and I am arranging my own dinner with friends and DH rather than getting him to do it.

For dh 50th I paid but as we mostly have joint finances it just normally comes out of that pot.

I go with if you don't ask, you don't get.
We don't go big with presents or Christmas gifts either for each other but if I want a meal out I will say exactly where I want to go and when.
Likewise I would expect my husband to be the same, or because I am more of the planner I would say something to him asking where he wants to go/if there is anything he wants to do and expect him to tell me if he wants me to then make the booking. Else I would just tell him to book it 🤷
No surprises in our household and makes sure the other person gets what they want and no disappointment (though I can see maybe this is boring to some 😂)

does he know that no one celebrated your birthday as a child and you would like it now. Do you have children as if you do, I think parents should model and therefore teach children what to do on a birthday….a cake, card and present or flowers. Maybe parties/ meals/ days out to celebrate. If they only see it one sided they won’t learn.
Also, I know it’s after Christmas but what voucher was it? If he knows you don’t have the product then it is worthless, so he might as well return it for a refund, or is it something he got free, either way it is thoughtless. If it was me I would tell him to return it, and also have a discussion about how you will celebrate birthdays as a family.
I am sick of hearing about these useless men who like to have cakes, presents and parties but can’t afford/ too busy/ forget to do anything for their partners.

If I knew my wife had had the kind of childhood where birthdays were not celebrated I’d be making bloody sure they were special as an adult for her. I’m sorry op, you deserve better.

Yeah ... fact of life. Some people do NOT build others up for milestones (or even regular birthdays and life events).

My ex-wife is from a family of non-celebraters. Back in 2017, when she haf almost reached 60 years, I pre-arranged with all three kids' employers (as well as their partners' employers) a five day open leave pass. I spoke to my (then) wife's employer for a week's leave. I pre-booked and paid for a large home in the mountains for eight adults and five grandchildren.

The weekend prior to the actual birthday, I drove my wife to the mountain house on the Friday and by the noon of the Saturday the grown-up children and the grandkids arrived. We had a week of restaurants, barbecues, the sons-in-law on best behaviour helping me with organisation.

She was extremely impressed and grateful. We left and returned home the following Friday after an energy charged week and lots of memories.

Then, two Saturdays later, I had pre-booked out a local pub beer garden and had invited 55-60 of her friends and childhood friends, a few very positive members of her workplace. A fully catered serviced barbecue, plus desserts and three rounds of drinks for everyone ... all 11 months after my retirement from full-time work.

I tried to leave no detail uncovered. My mother-in-law, my sisters-in-law and my own three siblings were very praiseworthy and full of awe.

: : :

Contrast to my 65th birthday barely three years later. I received a lovely (very much wanted and appreciated) gift and eggs and coffee in bed ... but bugger-all else. No dinner out with her or family members. Nothing. Not even a gathering at a pub, club or restaurant with long term friends to share my milestone. Nor the next week or the following fortnight.

Maybe I was wrong to wander around for a few days expecting that she had organised a bit of a surprise party.

: : :

Now, I am planning my own 70th celebrations.

As a dry run, I ran a mid week dinner and drinks night (in the early part of 2024) for myself and ten close long-term friends to honour the fact that I'd lived 25000 days on this planet.

I plan to not be forgotten ... even if those nearest and dearest aren't forthcoming.

Well, I didn't used to, but after a few completely underwhelming ones, I do now!
They are much better 😁

I don't know whether I'd say adults 'normally' arrange their own celebration, I'd say there's a range of normal, in my circle some people do nothing at all but others who have been thrown huge extravagant surprise parties, and everything in between. I'd say lots of people go out for a meal with close family or have something nice to eat at home with cake and flowers, or go the pub or a local activity with friends, and perhaps it's normal to make more of a fuss or have an organised 'do' for a big birthday. But it depends entirely on personal preference and also how much money you have and what else you have going on in your life IME. It also depends what you mean by 'arrange' - I wouldn't say I arrange my own birthday as such but DH knows our norm is to go out for a meal so we'll have a chat in the run up about where/when/who to invite and then he'll usually make the booking (or vice versa when it's his birthday). For presents we will usually give each a couple of ideas/hints, or sometimes ask for something specific. If we don't like the present the other's bought or it's not quite right (wrong size or whatever) we wouldn't make a big deal or get upset about returning or swapping it. In terms of who pays, presents would usually come out of our personal 'spends' (but we spend roughly the same on each other so it is 'fair' in that sense), meals out or if we have a takeaway at home or something that would probably come out the joint account, but in reality all our money is shared anyway regardless of who's account it's coming from so it's not something I'd particularly be bothered by.

I wouldn't call any of that arranging my own birthday as such but I would definitely expect to express a preference on most of the key arrangements. I do think it's really important to communicate about this, it's not being greedy or demanding so long as what you're asking for is reasonably financially viable and practically achieveable for your family (bit less so if you suddenly demand nothing else will do but bunjee-jumping in Antarctica or similar, although give my DH his due, if that's what I said I wanted he'd probably give it a damn good shot at achieving it ). How else are people supposed to know what you'd like if you don't/won't say? I can well imagine that if birthdays are linked to some past childhood trauma and you've never expressed any particular wish to celebrate your DH might imagine you're just a not bothered about your birthday person, or even an actively don't want to be reminded you are another year older person, there are plenty of them about.

This is what we do too.

I usually book a day off work for my birthday as I see it as an occasion to do what I want for the day but DP "doesn't see the point in wasting a day's holiday just for a birthday"! Our DC go to school if their birthday falls on a school day and we have a meal in the restaurant of their choice in the evening.

Thanks for all your replies. They have certainly given me some perspective and perhaps I am maybe overreacting.
To those who asked, yes my husband knows I didn't have birthdays. He has a very good heart, and before we were married with the kids he used to spoil me and spontaneously surprised me all the time, so I know he has it in him. As for the arranging my own celebrations, I never really thought of that. To me, it would seem conceited and as though I was bringing too much attention to myself.

I forgot to mention, I asked for a certain present, a practical thing I needed, but this couldn't be gotten from a supermarket, which is why H did not get it for me as he bought my chocolates snd voucher from the supermarket. I also mentioned going out for a meal but probably wasn't specific enough. It is a difficult time of year for getting things thohgh so I appreciate that.

I see now I am IABU and I shouldn't expect anything if I don't arrange it myself. I think I was just hurt because I had spent so much on H this year which I am still paying off (my own fault I know) but am a low income earner and work part time. We have completely separate bank accounts no joint one so it was all my money. And also I was working all of Christmas so just wanted to do something nice with all the family. I cannot tell him about the voucher not being any good because he will get upset so have just hidden it for now. I will take us all out for a meal at some point to celebrate. Thanks for the replies.

Tell him the voucher is useless !

His 50th birthday is/was a big birthday, so yes you did right by taking him away.

but I guess you just turned 34/35 as you mention lockdown/covid so not a big birthday.

yes book your preferred restaurant and tell him that is where you are going, arrange babysitters - as you mention children ?

how long have you been married ?

why would you be concerned that will be upset at buying a useless voucher - better that than him wasting his money !

find your voice / use your words, he is not a mind reader.

It is a difficult time of year for getting things though so I appreciate that.

It's not a difficult time of year to buy things! We've all been buying lots of gifts recently. He just hasn't put any thought or effort in. A voucher from a supermarket?!

Not formally

But I might say 'what are we doing for my birthday' but mostly family sort it (I do have adult children)

Frankly he sounds shit and thoughtless