Adult birthday etiquette.

[creamandcookies2]

I am aware I may be coming across as selfish but want outside perspectives. I never celebrated my own birthdays as a child and I wasn't allowed to any other birthday parties. I didn't officially celebrate my own birthday until I was in mid 20s when I received a cake from work. This means I am unsure of how much is normal for an adult to celebrate their birthday? I ask this because I am feeling a bit hurt about the lack of interest in my recent birthday from my husband. It is very soon after Christmas, and although I did receive a box of chocolates and a voucher (very kind of him but I cannot use it as I don't have the product it is for), there was no mention or arrangement of doing something nice as a family. This has left me feeling a bit upset as I feel I am always an afterthought. My H had a big birthday last year (half a century) and I took him on a very expensive night away. My 30th was during covid so understandably I didn't do anything but we have never done anything since. I also worked all over Christmas and New Year so was just wanting something nice to look forward too.
AIBU to be upset? Or are birthdays not considered a big deal once adulthood begins?

So for us cake is standard. I'll normally tell dh what I want. Dh doesn't tell me but equally he wouldn't care if he got cake or not. We do cards. Usually we give each other 2-4 gift ideas of what we want and then get those plus a couple of surprises.
Celebration varies, sometimes the gift is a night out ie tickets, if not and we have a free weekend and a babysitter we may go out just us or do a family tea/takeaway. Tbh it's usually the birthday person saying what they want to happen.
We share money but if we were going out for my birthday I'd assume dh pays.

You are NOT being unreasonable

Your husband is lazy and thoughtless

I'm not sure how the message you've taken from this thread is that you shouldn't say anything and just quietly arrange something for yourself? Sounds perfectly reasonable to be disappointed and hurt by the lack of effort on your husband's part to me - fair enough maybe about not organising a meal out if you haven't done that previously, but why didn't he get you what you'd specifically asked for or something equally nice, when you say he's clearly capable of buying nice presents and being spontaneous previously? Why could he only buy things from the supermarket - did he by any chance leave present buying to the last moment? There's really no excuse for that at all, in these days of internet shopping I don't see why he couldn't at the very least have ordered what you wanted even if it wouldn't have got there until after your birthday?

I'd be talking to him and saying (a) the supermarket voucher is no good and you really would prefer the item you asked for, why doesn't he take back the voucher and use it on himself/spend the voucher on groceries and order what you actually wanted instead and (b) you'd really like to go out for a meal to celebrate now that Christmas is over, you suggest restaurant A or B on X or Y date, please can he arrange? A conversation like that would not be cause for upset in my relationship, but if he gets upset then so be it, he'll be upset because he's let his wife down/had his lack of effort exposed which is a legitimate reason to be upset but hopefully he'll know to do better next time? Unless by 'get upset' you actually mean 'get abusive and make my life hell' in which case you have a much bigger problem than a supermarket voucher as a birthday present?

Gently, do you possibly have a self-esteem issue/issue expressing your own wants and needs within a relationship, linked to your childhood? The words you are using to describe perfectly normal adult activities like having a celebration for your birthday or being bought a nice present, like conceited or attention seeking seem very negative. If I was your husband I would hate to feel I'd upset my wife and didn't even know because she was too afraid to say anything/put my feelings above hers - that would be normal in a healthy relationship dynamic, whereas suppressing all your own desires and preferences even on trivial stuff for fear of upsetting the other person very much isn't...

What do you mean by being upset about you not being able to use the voucher? The only thing I can think of from a supermarket is an xbox, Roblox or PlayStation type voucher ? Or an apple voucher when you don’t have an iPhone? And if he got you one of those when you don’t have the product, that is not ‘very kind’ at all and is a shit present. If what you mean by upset is that he will be sulky and punish you for being ungrateful, then that is a problem. It’s a shit present and he should be upset.
it’s easy to get to shops at the moment, hundreds of people are going sales shopping and buying birthday presents for their loved ones for the next few weeks and months, or people buy the January presents when they do their Christmas shopping if they know they will be working early in the year.
you deserve a lovely present, or the practical one you wanted, please believe in yourself and have some self worth.

There's no one-size-fits-all adult birthday etiquette because most people have fairly individual attitudes to birthdays - so what they want to do has to be driven by them, by necessity.

In a relationship you ideally have a chat fairly early on about what you want your birthdays to look like. DP and I agreed that we're not really into gifts - we find choosing them stressful, we tend to buy what we want for ourselves, we don't really want to acquire more physical/material stuff. So we take each other out for a fancy meal every year because we both love food and restaurants. Ten years on we'll add a token gift or two but absolutely nothing huge or meaningful.

By contrast one friend of mine is a bit of a diva (in a lovable sense) and she made it very clear to her now-husband that she wants the full works when it comes to fuss and romance and jewellery. And at the other end of the spectrum I have a friend who hates celebrating her birthday to the extent that she doesn't tell people when it is (I've known her for 15 years and I don't know).

Every time an adult friend has thrown a birthday party or had birthday drinks or a meal they've organised it themselves. I suppose sometimes friends and partners do throw surprise parties but personally I'd hate that.

We have been married 6 years been together ten. I'm not sure how I should tell him, because if he can't get a refund he will be mad. And I don't want to seem ungrateful.

Yes the voucher was one of those! He did pit a lot on it so it was a lovely thought but I can't use it. That's why I just wish he got what I said but I honestly think he ran out of time. It's a lesson learnt for me.

DH knows I like to have a fuss made of my birthday. He always asks me what I want to be on the safe side, then gets it (generally flowers and chocolates, sometimes a specific thing as well). I’ll ask him to book a specific restaurant.

I do the same for him, which normally equates to asking what cake he wants me to bake and reminding him to organise whatever socialising he wants to do.

We’ve both learnt to be clear about our expectations.

OP - I'm going to take a wild leap and not assume that not celebrating birthdays was part of a pattern of a neglectful childhood, and not that your parents were otherwise amazing but just disliked birthdays?

I found your posts incredibly sad - you talk yourself down, you lack self esteem, you don't want to bother others and you struggle to understand your own needs or how to communicate them. I wonder if you have had any therapy - I think you might find it useful.

In response to your question, I think it's been answered, but it's ok to tell your husband what you would like - whether that's a surprise, or something specific, and whether you'd like him to organise it, or going out for a meal is the important bit and it doesn't really matter who organises it.
And you are important, and you should have the birthday you want :)

What are you going to do when your husband buys you the same voucher next Christmas ?!!!

Thank you. I wouldn't want a surprise party either. It would be my worst nightmare! Luckily there wouldn't be enough people to invite to give a party lol.
I wasn't expecting a grand gesture was just a big hurt by his thoughtlessness. It seems to be a thing where he bends over backwards to help other people and volunteers, but I seem to be an afterthought.. I think he has so much on I know that.

The onus is on the adult to organise what they want.

That can include asking someone else. In particular their partner to organise what they want.

So, in your case, a conversation a few weeks before along the lines of... I'd like to go out for dinner on my birthday, maybe the new Thai place ( insert restaurant of choice) . Shall I book.it, or will you?

'He is not a mind reader', no hes a selfish twat

You are making excuses for him.
No man is so busy he cannot buy the correct birthday present for his wife.

@creamandcookies2 but how was it a lovely thought if it was a voucher for £50 or whatever for a PlayStation if you don’t have one ?? ‘ I know I’ll get creandandcookies a gaming voucher even though she isn’t into gaming and wanted some hair straighteners ‘ (Does he have a xbox or whatever it is for so he can end up using it) or did he just grab it off the stand without thinking, if he had grabbed a voucher for say New Look or Costa you could have at least bought yourself some thing so it’s either spiteful or thoughtless.
I’m not trying to be horrible about it, I would just like you to examine what he has done, with some critical thinking, as I just wonder if that might help you think about his intentions and how to talk to him about it.
you deserve better than this, and so do all the women who buy their husbands expensive gifts and get either nothing or something crap in return.

So he bought you an apple voucher when you don't have an apple product.

That's a truly shit present and actually you need to have a proper conversation about it and why on earth he thought that was ok

I always arrange my own birthday activities and haven’t had a bad birthday. I’m not really into stuff so my DH and I buy each other a small thing for around £30 and a card.
For my 0 birthdays I plan a party and a holiday.

How much was on the voucher?

Is it something he would be able to use?

I think it’s completely reasonable to tell him you can’t use the voucher and that he needs to exchange it for something you can use.

Also match the energy he put into
your birthday for his birthday and book the restaurant you want for your future birthdays.

You're not being unreasonable OP but you are looking for guidance that doesn't exist. People celebrate (or don't celebrate) their birthdays in all kinds of ways. Some get taken out for a meal or even on holiday and are showered with gifts. Some get breakfast in bed and bunch of flowers. Some hope their partner or family will arrange something but end up arranging it themselves. Some get paid for, others pay. Some feel lucky if they receive a card! Some hate birthdays and ignore them.
You could plan the kind of celebration you would like and ask DP to make it happen. Or if you have a nice friend who would understand what is needed, you might ask her to help make it happen.

@creamandcookies2 there's no such thing as a "difficult time of the year" My adult son's birthday is on Xmas day. We celebrate his birthday! He gets presents, cards, decorations around the house (birthday ones not Xmas) we either have a special meal at home or go out for a meal. It has always been this way. Hard work and planning involved, yes of course. He has never been expected to pay for his own meal if we go out to a restaurant.

The only thing he is asked to contribute is what he wants to do and present ideas.

If you want more for your birthday, I think you're going to have to ask and make your feelings known.

If you've been together for 10 years what has he done before? I'm confused. Is this the first year he hasn't bothered very much? If not, then I don't understand your surprise. Anyway, according to Mumsnet nobody is entitled to expect anything from their husbands for their birthdays/Christmas/anniversaries and if they want any sort of recognition they have to organise it themselves. Otherwise they're rather pathetic apparently. Personally, I think this is utter bullshit. If you arranged a lovely and presumably expensive weekend for his 50th then he knows fucking well that he should reciprocate in some form or other. A well thought out gift is a token of love, respect and appreciation. It should be from the heart. The recipient shouldn't have to prompt or demand it.

Yes the voucher was one of those! He did pit a lot on it so it was a lovely thought but I can't use it. That's why I just wish he got what I said but I honestly think he ran out of time. It's a lesson learnt for me.

Your whole tone is so worrying op. So submissive, so downtrodden, so sad. It seems you don't really know your value at all. You are an equal person to your husband. I suspect there's lots going in your life, and we'll probably find out it's abusive at a guess. Keep posting about your life op, there's something deeply troubling.

As to why I quoted that bit - it isn't a lovely thought whatsoever, as you can't use it. It's a last minute, thoughtless, disrespectful gift.
I wanted to quote another bit too - he's be angry if he had to take it back. Why? Angry with himself do you mean for fucking up?

I had a big birthday recently and I wanted to go to a special dining event. I researched it and kept an eye out for it becoming available to book. I also organised my meal out with friends. My DH organised balloons and cake for my meal. I didn't feel less special because I had organised these things myself. But I did feel happy that I had had some nice experiences for a milestone birthday. I would have hated a surprise party and also would have felt sad if we hadn't done anything at all.

What sort of voucher is it? Has he got you one for a game you don't even play??

DH needs a lot of reminding that while he doesn't care about his birthday I care about mine. He is reminded to book a restaurant (and pay the bill) and get me a card and present. So I think there's a line between doing it all yourself and having it all done for you.

Why didn't you celebrate birthdays? Was it for religious reasons?