Adult birthday etiquette.

[creamandcookies2]

I am aware I may be coming across as selfish but want outside perspectives. I never celebrated my own birthdays as a child and I wasn't allowed to any other birthday parties. I didn't officially celebrate my own birthday until I was in mid 20s when I received a cake from work. This means I am unsure of how much is normal for an adult to celebrate their birthday? I ask this because I am feeling a bit hurt about the lack of interest in my recent birthday from my husband. It is very soon after Christmas, and although I did receive a box of chocolates and a voucher (very kind of him but I cannot use it as I don't have the product it is for), there was no mention or arrangement of doing something nice as a family. This has left me feeling a bit upset as I feel I am always an afterthought. My H had a big birthday last year (half a century) and I took him on a very expensive night away. My 30th was during covid so understandably I didn't do anything but we have never done anything since. I also worked all over Christmas and New Year so was just wanting something nice to look forward too.
AIBU to be upset? Or are birthdays not considered a big deal once adulthood begins?

I would usually plan to go out for a meal for my birthday but I'd discuss with my DH what I wanted to do and it just do nothing and complain after. Is there a reason you were expecting him to plan something? Even then he may need to be told.

Did you grow up as JW by any chance? The no birthdays or Christmas, and the ingrained sense of inferiority sounds sadly familiar.

Your husband is not kind or thoughtful if he deliberately bought you a present you couldn't use. Why doesn't he organise things for you? What would he say if you asked him?

No i suppose there was no reason. It's not like it was a big birthday. Just thought he might have mentioned going out for a meal or cooked something nice. I won't expect anything next time.

Yes I did. He is thoughtful, he used to be more thoughtful but he is a lot busier now. He wouldn't have bought the wrong voucher on purpose.

@creamandcookies2 if you think he didn't buy the wrong voucher on purpose then just TELL HIM.
It won't be refundable but he could try and sell it to a friend/colleague.

Yes he does celebrate them. He wasn't raised like I was. Tbh I didn't want anything flash, just a break and rest would've been nice. Maybe a meal out, or a nice takeaway, my favourite meal cooked for me. I would have paid. I think I was feeling quite unappreciated last week .

He used to be very good. Bought me a cake, gave me a surprise etc. He actually spolit me in the beginning that I had to spoil him back on his birthday! I think life just gets in the way as your family grows .

I won't expect anything next time.

The posters responding are in normal healthy equal happy relationships and are responding with how it works when you both communicate.

The responses are therefore not relevant for your situation.

You are deeply and sadly downtrodden and it makes for horrible reading.

@creamandcookies2 yes - if you want a meal out or a special home cooked meal (or a trip to the cinema/cake from Costa/fancy bubble bath......or whatever you like) then just SPEAK UP.
You don't have to organise it yourself but just SAY something.

Just tell him next time

Well this clearly isn't the first birthday you've had in this relationship, so you must have got a general feel for how he approaches this before now? There is no set way for adults to celebrate birthdays. Some people like a big fuss and to make a big fuss of others, other people prefer it low key or largely ignored. In a long term relationship you try to make sure you're both on the same page. So what did he do for you last year? And how did you respond?

Dec and Jan birthdays awful zero fuss over them. Im January. We usually do something though but yes I have to say it here ha

Stop making excuse for him find your voice !

tell him you were disappointed !
don't allow yourself not to expect anything next time !

TELL HIM

your birthday falls on the same date every year

so BIG reminders one month beforehand then there are no ' I forgot ' excuses

don't be sad / disappointed / let down unappreciated

use your voice

You sound so passive and making excuses for him.

The voucher, it may have been a busy mistake but its still a mistake. So talk to him and ask him to fix it.

And the birthday itself, sometimes life get in the way, but have a conversation now which says next year for my birthday I'd like you to book a restaurant and us go out please.

If you don't feel that you can have those completely normal conversations then I'd be concerned.

Are you scared of having a conversation with him?

For goodness sake speak up next time and suggest a meal out (or whatever you want to do). My dh has a birthday 2 days after Christmas and I make sure he has a separate present and card from me and from the kids. And I encourage him to choose where he wants to go for dinner. This year we went for an Indian meal.

We have a calendar in the kitchen and all birthdays are marked on it so no excuses for forgetting any of them.

And tell him the voucher is useless to you. Does he not know anything about you?

I always tell my husband what I want. I'll book the restaurant, invite my family, ask my husband to order a cake, this is the present I want etc 😂. Sometimes I'll just have friends and family at home for pizza but my husband will order and pay for it. Sometimes he and I will go out for a meal etc. If I left it up to other people to decide not much would happen 😂. My siblings and friends are the same. Your husband though should have used more initiative and asked you what you wanted.

You sound very downtrodden and I am concerned that you won't speak up to your DH.

The voucher you say would not be intentionally wrong, so why not mention to him that you cannot use it and whether you can gift it to someone else? Otherwise will it just be wasted? Surely he would be more upset at that. Also there is the potential that he thinks you were happy with this voucher and buys you another one next year.

I think you have had lots of advice regarding asking for what you want for the day, but again this adds to my worries that you don't want to rock the boat in your relationship and don't see yourself as worthy of being treated, hence not speaking out. This doesn't sound very healthy if you can't talk to your partner about these little things, so dread what would happen if something major happened.

@creamandcookies2 wouldn't he even be asking you what you spent the voucher on?
Not as in an interrogation or something but just a regular conversation between husband and wife.
Seriously just TELL HIM the voucher is wrong.

In that case, it is a shit present, but if he's spent a lot of money on it, surely better to let him know in case he can use it himself and get you something else? No point in letting it go to waste

I can't imagine not being able to say to my DH "that's generous but I don't have an X any more". I don't think this thread is really just about about your birthday

Happy belated birthday OP. I also had a birthday this week, I was working, but DH and the DC picked me up from work and we got a take away on the way home. I had a Colin the Caterpillar cake and some lovely presents. No major fuss (it's not a big birthday) but I felt appreciated.

Being given an useable voucher isn't good enough. You need to tell him you can't use it, otherwise that voucher may just become the only present you get on future birthdays because he thinks he's on to a good thing.