Adult birthday etiquette.

[creamandcookies2]

I am aware I may be coming across as selfish but want outside perspectives. I never celebrated my own birthdays as a child and I wasn't allowed to any other birthday parties. I didn't officially celebrate my own birthday until I was in mid 20s when I received a cake from work. This means I am unsure of how much is normal for an adult to celebrate their birthday? I ask this because I am feeling a bit hurt about the lack of interest in my recent birthday from my husband. It is very soon after Christmas, and although I did receive a box of chocolates and a voucher (very kind of him but I cannot use it as I don't have the product it is for), there was no mention or arrangement of doing something nice as a family. This has left me feeling a bit upset as I feel I am always an afterthought. My H had a big birthday last year (half a century) and I took him on a very expensive night away. My 30th was during covid so understandably I didn't do anything but we have never done anything since. I also worked all over Christmas and New Year so was just wanting something nice to look forward too.
AIBU to be upset? Or are birthdays not considered a big deal once adulthood begins?

I would also say that as we have got older, we need less stuff so I will say if I want a specific gift such as a particular book or shower gel type thing etc. Then my DH might get nice chocolates he think I would like or a bottle of wine etc

OP, my DD's birthday is early January. It ISN'T hard to get presents. Lots of January sales, so you often get extra bang for your bucks and you generally have extra time to shop online or go to the (open, having sales) shops.

I do think it's important to make it clear exactly what you want, though. And also to tell him if he's messed up. You deserve a good birthday, especially after having no celebration as a child.

Birthday rules in our house: we decorate, birthday person chooses their favourite supper and cake. There are always presents.

Ask him when he's taking you for birthday dinner and tell him where you want to go. Tell him about the voucher. He might be able to get the money back or sell the voucher to recoup some of it.

While I can see you have taken on board what people have said about arranging your own meal, I still think you should tell him the voucher is useless. It is not a thoughtful gift if it's not usable. You have been together long enough and mention you spent a lot on him for his birthday, so actually a voucher is a bit rubbish unless it's one where you could get the thing you want. Does he ever listen to you? Is it recently he has stopped bothering?
I would be talking to him about your disappointment that he didn't seem to care.

I made a big effort with my husband to arrange surprise parties for various birthdays of his - his 34th (cause who the hell would expect a party to be arranged for that one!), his 40th and his 50th. I made sure all his family knew about it and would come, any friends I could think of and asked family/friends to contact others that I might not have known, etc. I also got him presents related to a hobby of his, that he loved.

My 30th came (this was after his 40th) and he did absolutely nothing to try to arrange anything nice for me. I was really conflicted - I don't like to be the centre of attention, but it would have been nice if he'd arranged for friends to come out for the night with us. I didn't say anything. My 40th came (obviously I'd organised his 50th by this point) and I think about 5 days before it he asked me if I wanted some sort of party.... rather a bit late to sort anything.

I guess it all comes down to what type of person your partner is - are they the sort to think for themselves and organise something? If so, let them get on with it! If not, you have to spell it out to them to get what you want.

Sorry you were left disappointed.

Can he use it?

Your husband was thoughtless. He made no effort. It’s as simple as that. Adults make an effort for the people they love. I would suggest telling him very directly that he failed and that let’s pretend your birthday is next weekend and see what he can come up with.

Honestly if your husband isn't good at birthdays, just be direct- where shall we go for my birthday meal? Before the day. Send links to gifts you would like etc I know it's not romantic but sometimes there are lots of other good qualities a person has, if birthday celebrations are not his best point.

I love birthdays and I arrange my own celebrations even just a low key buffet at home for the kids, my husband and my parents. DH always gets me a cake but it’s up to me to decide what I want to do on the day or on my birthday week 🥳 Yes I extend it to the whole week ha ha

What happened with the voucher he gave you? Can you exchange it for a suitable voucher? Did he not know that you don’t have the main equipment for it?

It is so subjective! My husband and I are often at cross purposes because I go all out at Christmas but forget my birthday is even happening, quite often.

He's the opposite and celebrates NYE too, which I also don't remember as significant until I hear it's happening on the news that day!

Were the vouchers really for him? 🤨

Tell him the voucher is useless to you and ask why on earth did he buy it?
He won't be able to refund it but he might be able to sell it to a friend/colleague. Then he owes you either the money or the gift you wanted in the first place.
You said you've hidden the voucher - why?
You need to TELL him it's useless. Either he made a genuine error or just didn't even think what he was buying. Whichever it was - don't let him get away with it.
He owes you a gift - and if you think he will be annoyed or angry about it - then you have bigger things to worry about.

I told him of two presents I wanted, one for xmas and one for my birthday. I do this because the days are so near to each other. So yes he was aware. It's not really about the present though it's the doing something special to take me away from the mundane, working shifts, constant housework etc.

Just to add, when we first met, he was excellent at suprises and took me away/did something nice for me. So i reciprocated as I'd never treated anybody for their birthday before, so I bought nice things, took him out etc. I appreciate now it's harder with three children and since covid, I missed a big birthday. I also know that men impress women very early on with attention and gifts and it would be unreasonable for me to expect it all the time. So this isn't something I thought I would have to mention. About the voucher, it's not for him I don't think. I don't think he can exchange it and I know he will be unhappy about choosing the wrong thing. I am not sure what to do about that. I think I am just hurt because it's been a hard couple of months. Work has been emotionally exhausting over the Christmas period and it was the first time I was away from the children. I also wasn't allowed to have Christmas growing up so it means a lot to be there with the kids. He manages to find time to volunteer and to train other volunteers (often women with children like myself), but not for my birthday. I do think i being oversensitive.

@Tillow4ever That sounds insensitive on his part, I'm very sorry. Sounds like we have similar age-gaps in our marriage as well. Maybe as some people get older they become less interested in birthdays?

Not quite so formally. It's a discussion here, a few weeks before, about what do I want to do etc. we might discuss it earlier if there's some event or we want to go away etc but it's a discussion. And no I wouldn't pay for it myself

OP YANBU and the replies on here saying you should organise things yourself and expect nothing are letting him off the hook hugely.

He knows your history. The very least he could have done was taken the time to get you the actual gift you asked for and checked with you if you fancied a meal or a drink out.

That’s a pretty basic level of love and care from a partner.

Im not big on my own birthday but DH knows I like a card from them all and a couple of small thoughtful gifts from him and the kids (eg they got me new sweatbands as I play tennis and they knew the ones I wore were really old) and DH will always check if I fancy going out and ask if he should he book. I pretty much never do but he still asks each year.

Meanwhile I know he likes a bit more of a fuss so I will suggest a nice new restaurant in our local town and check the date with him and the kids then book it. And we will raise a glass and wish his a happy birthday and he feels loved and appreciated.

Please know you can and should expect more from your partner than a half arsed trip to the supermarket for a voucher he has barely given half a thought to.

You’re not being over sensitive, unless you have specifically said you don’t want to celebrate or acknowledge your birthday then you should expect something. A card, a cake, a gift.
The fact he chose a voucher that has no bearing to anything you asked for is thoughtless.
Not every gift we buy for people will we get right, but there should always be thought put into it. If you’ve already mentioned what you’d like there is absolutely no excuse - you’ve done the hard work for him!

I love my Birthday, and my husband knows this, I’d be really pissed off if he didn’t get me anything. I don’t need a party organising, we generally have a takeaway, but I do expect a card and a gift.

I’m Sorry you didn’t get to celebrate birthday’s when you were a child. I hope you can sort this with your husband so he sees how spectacularly wrong he got this and he can make amends, and also make sure future birthdays are better.

@creamandcookies2 what did he think the voucher could get you? It’s worrying that you are concerned about him being mad.

how do you think you would want to celebrate your birthday? you say you haven't celebrated until 20's. does your husband celebrate his birthday?

i have only ever celebrated BIG birthdays, 40, 50 and my 60th in a few years, nothing before that, just because life got in the way.

With me and my husband we share our finances so it wouldn't be a case of "he pays for my birthday" and vice versa - because technically it all comes out the same pot.
We also don't really "arrange our own celebrations" - we just talk together and decide if the birthday person fancies doing something.
He's literally just had a birthday and one of the ways of celebrating that he is doing is going to a footy match with an old mate. I'm not going because I'm really not interested 😂
You just need to talk to your husband and say if there's something you particularly would like to do on your birthday. It's not arranging it yourself - just saying what you'd like to do.
People - even those you are married to - aren't mind readers.
Get him to sort that bloody voucher out though.

Women are mostly better than men (imo) op- my friends and I were talking one night about how we wished partners and husbands would do what we did (you know the way women get men loads of stuff and men get a voucher for women?) We’ve all started saying it coming up to birthdays - I told my dses and dh I adore balloons and flowers and can’t wait for my birthday- hint hint- nudging them. Also told dh what voucher I hoped I’d get- eh eh?! Told them my favourite cake and I’m hoping for a fab card Etc etc. it took a year or two but they’ve finally nailed it😅

You really need to talk to him about the voucher and how unthoughtful it is. And then use it as a way of opening a conversation about priorities

I'd pay for myself and my friends would pay for themselves.

Thank you. There’s a 12 year age gap (and a whole realisation that he groomed me when I was young and extremely vulnerable leading me to be in a pretty shitty relationship all round - I really, really hope that’s not the case for you). Maybe it is an age thing, or maybe it’s a selfish bastard thing?