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Original poster

Can’t compliment me

85 replies

Hellohihola · 03/01/2025 10:56

Hi all

I have been seeing someone since September last year. He has a lot of anxiety about me leaving him due to his past history, I am very reassuring on my feelings towards him and he doesn’t need to worry about this.

He cannot compliment me, he will only provide “banter insults” and he says this is because I have a big ego, and he doesn’t want my head getting any bigger.

i do not have a big ego.. in any sense! It would be nice to be told he thinks I’m beautiful or that I’m an amazing person and it’s starting to break my confidence.

i have spoken to him about it but he doesn’t provide me with any reassurance.

what would you do? TIA

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 03/01/2025 10:57

What’s his “past history”? Have all his previous girlfriends left him because he’s a negging arsehole?

Catza · 03/01/2025 10:58

I would leave and suggest he gets some help for his relationship anxiety because it is destroying his relationships (as it usually does!). He cannot both demand reassurance and behave like a twat. He needs to see it's his problem and work on resolving it otherwise he is a walking self-fulfilling prophecy.

MilitantFawcett · 03/01/2025 10:58

To quote another poster “more red flags than China”.

Is “negging” still a thing? That’s what it sounds like, and if you’ve only been seeing him a few months I’d chuck this one back.

Pussycat22 · 03/01/2025 10:59

Hellohihola · 03/01/2025 10:56

Hi all

I have been seeing someone since September last year. He has a lot of anxiety about me leaving him due to his past history, I am very reassuring on my feelings towards him and he doesn’t need to worry about this.

He cannot compliment me, he will only provide “banter insults” and he says this is because I have a big ego, and he doesn’t want my head getting any bigger.

i do not have a big ego.. in any sense! It would be nice to be told he thinks I’m beautiful or that I’m an amazing person and it’s starting to break my confidence.

i have spoken to him about it but he doesn’t provide me with any reassurance.

what would you do? TIA

My EX husband was like this.

randomchap · 03/01/2025 10:59

Do you really want to spend time with someone who insults you, even if it's just so called banter?

Partners are meant to build each other up, not insult each other

vodkaredbullgirl · 03/01/2025 10:59

Leave

Marleigh0 · 03/01/2025 11:00

I'd run.

FOJN · 03/01/2025 11:01

Leave him. A man who insults you because he's insecure will never want you to feel good about yourself.

His insecurity is not your problem to fix. If you stay with him you will be making a decision to donate your self esteem to a lost cause.

Sardines57 · 03/01/2025 11:02

I would leave him. That’s horrible of him. My DH calls me gorgeous and beautiful every day, (married over 30 years) I am completely ordinary looking at the best of times! Just dump him, he is messing with your head. I don’t care what his past history is.

Alalalala · 03/01/2025 11:02

Dump the idiot. He’s refusing to compliment you, plus insulting you, plus demanding the sort of reassurance he needs - so you’re being denied and utilised and it sounds like a really bad idea to invest anything more into him.

LadyTable · 03/01/2025 11:03

I stopped at this bit.... He has a lot of anxiety about me leaving him due to his past history

Why do people think it's ok to date when they have problems that they know will cause problems for the other person?

I find it quite arrogant when both men and women do this.

Dating is not mandatory and if people want to do it but their problems are likely to become someone else's, they need therapy to sort themselves out.

Having said that, 'I've been mistreated before' seems to be the number one excuse that jealous/controlling people use, by way of a 'reason' for their behaviour.

It's early days so throw him back, especially if he can't bring himself to compliment you.

purpleme12 · 03/01/2025 11:04

He cannot compliment me, he will only provide “banter insults” and he says this is because I have a big ego, and he doesn’t want my head getting any bigger

This is surely not normal

I don't understand why you're with someone who by your own admission only 'provides banter insults'

Arlanymor · 03/01/2025 11:07

If his previous hangups are so bad that they result in him treating you badly then he needs to take a break from dating to get himself sorted first.

This line is horrible: He cannot compliment me, he will only provide “banter insults” and he says this is because I have a big ego, and he doesn’t want my head getting any bigger.

He's insulting you OP. He CAN compliment you, he just doesn't want to and on top of that he is insulting you by calling you egotistical/arrogant. That's not what partners do, they lift you up, not put you down. I'd be leaving. Now.

Original poster
Hellohihola · 03/01/2025 11:07

Wow I didn’t expect so many replies so quickly!

thank you for everyone’s insights.. I really needed to hear them. it isn’t normal behaviour and it’s a shame because we have connected well outside of that, by my needs aren’t being met clearly and I shouldn’t settle.

He has past trauma from childhood abandonment and his upbringing mainly, and then being mistreated in relationships. He’s absolutely gorgeous and has nothing to be insecure about but it doesn’t condone this behaviour.

OP posts:
5128gap · 03/01/2025 11:08

Bin him. No one has a 'history' that means they can't bring themselves to be positive about someone they're meant to care for. More likely he's decided somewhere along the way that women need to be kept in their place because otherwise they get too full of themselves and realise they can do better than him. Honestly this really isn't about him saying nice things, it's much deeper than that. A very bad attitude towards women that will likely manifest in all sorts of unpleasantness as time goes on.

toomuchfaff · 03/01/2025 11:09

Firstly, his triggers are his to deal with. You don't enable his triggers by accepting bad behaviour. He has to know his triggers and change his behaviour. This is a 3 month thing, why the hell are you even contemplating accepting bad behaviours.

He has a lot of anxiety about me leaving him due to his past history, his trigger to recognise and deal with.

I am very reassuring on my feelings towards him and he doesn’t need to worry about this. If you wouldn't do this with another person like a work colleague, then you're enabling. Stop it.

He cannot compliment me, he will only provide “banter insults” and he says this is because I have a big ego, and he doesn’t want my head getting any bigger.
This isn't banter, it's just an insult. This is just bad behaviour. Its not banter,its trash talk. Would you accept this from a professional? Your Drs receptionist? The barman? no? because its not acceptable. He's just a fkin idiot, you don't need to accept this.

FastFood · 03/01/2025 11:09

Dickhead of the day (but its only 11am)

Fraaances · 03/01/2025 11:09

Bin… He’s broken.

toomuchfaff · 03/01/2025 11:09

Hellohihola · 03/01/2025 11:07

Wow I didn’t expect so many replies so quickly!

thank you for everyone’s insights.. I really needed to hear them. it isn’t normal behaviour and it’s a shame because we have connected well outside of that, by my needs aren’t being met clearly and I shouldn’t settle.

He has past trauma from childhood abandonment and his upbringing mainly, and then being mistreated in relationships. He’s absolutely gorgeous and has nothing to be insecure about but it doesn’t condone this behaviour.

So because he's gorgeous,he can treat people like shit?

listen to yourself.

Pussycat22 · 03/01/2025 11:10

LadyTable · 03/01/2025 11:03

I stopped at this bit.... He has a lot of anxiety about me leaving him due to his past history

Why do people think it's ok to date when they have problems that they know will cause problems for the other person?

I find it quite arrogant when both men and women do this.

Dating is not mandatory and if people want to do it but their problems are likely to become someone else's, they need therapy to sort themselves out.

Having said that, 'I've been mistreated before' seems to be the number one excuse that jealous/controlling people use, by way of a 'reason' for their behaviour.

It's early days so throw him back, especially if he can't bring himself to compliment you.

I think it's called sex!

kittybiscuits · 03/01/2025 11:11

He's been 'mistreated in relationships', you say. Are you sure? Were all his exes "crazy"?

PhilomenaPunk · 03/01/2025 11:11

This reminds me of a Reddit thread where a woman kept being told by her partner that she stank. He would keep saying it even after she showered and she became so paranoid (changing her deodorant, going to the doctors, asking her friends and family etc.) to no avail. According to her partner she still stank. This carried on for a significant period of time.

From what I remember she finally had enough of it and decided to end the relationship at which point her boyfriend broke down and said that she never smelled bad and he had made it all up because his dad had told him to, so that he could make her depressed enough that she would not ever have the confidence to leave him. He is conditioning you. Don't fall for it.

ScarlettSunset · 03/01/2025 11:11

Why bother worrying about it? This person is no good so just leave him and find someone better.
He insults you then pretty much says you deserve it.

There is NO reason to stay with someone who treats you like that.

Pussycat22 · 03/01/2025 11:11

This is emotional abuse. He will damage you.

Original poster
Hellohihola · 03/01/2025 11:12

just some insight into this, we have known each other for 13 years. We connected a long time ago but it wasn’t the right time for either of us to be together. We naturally reconnected back in September and it just became this whirlwind of emotion so I guess I’m hooked! It’s just been in the last two weeks that the insults have been pretty consistent.

he has always been a more actions speak louder than words kinda guy and that’s always been ok.. but the insults in these last two weeks and then making me out to be arrogant.. not ok!

i need my head read. Thanks for everyone’s replies they are really helpful, the slap I needed x

OP posts: