Can’t compliment me

[Hellohihola]

Hi all

I have been seeing someone since September last year. He has a lot of anxiety about me leaving him due to his past history, I am very reassuring on my feelings towards him and he doesn’t need to worry about this.

He cannot compliment me, he will only provide “banter insults” and he says this is because I have a big ego, and he doesn’t want my head getting any bigger.

i do not have a big ego.. in any sense! It would be nice to be told he thinks I’m beautiful or that I’m an amazing person and it’s starting to break my confidence.

i have spoken to him about it but he doesn’t provide me with any reassurance.

what would you do? TIA

You’ve only been with him about 14-16 weeks!

So you need to massage his ego and build him up to make him feel better whilst he never makes you feel special. Doesn’t want to be the person to make you feel good about yourself and will mock you to make sure you don't feel good.

Yeah definitely get rid of this one.

No wonder he's got a string of failed relationships...

Girl, throw this one back.

he will only provide “banter insults” and he says this is because I have a big ego, and he doesn’t want my head getting any bigger

That's the dictionary definition of negging. He is telling you he's negging you. Most neggers just neg, they don't explain that that's what they're doing and why. He means to destroy your self-confidence through a series of insults. When a person tells you who they are, believe them.

Get rid, banter insults only, no compliments, anxiety about you leaving him.. red red red flags all over. I reckon when you do try and leave he will cry and say how depressed and sorey he is. Then be an even bigger dick when you get back together. Does he keep you on the phone for hours, mainly talking about himself, does he have a sad backstory.. I bet he does.

This seems to happen with a lot of relationships that develop from friendships and I think it's the wrong way to go about things. You still need to date OP. You need days out, dinners, treats, romance. Not just go from friends to LTR status and miss out the honeymoon period in between. You deserve better than that.

Perhaps he is getting tired of the relationship and this is his way of driving you away.
Either way, he isn't worth your time and effort. Find someone else who is.

What would I do?
Leave him for someone who isnt so insecure that he cant compliment you.
Keeping you down to make him feel better is just.... shite. And selfish.

Oh no, a negger! Just get rid, this won't get better.

It's doubly awful because not only does he fling insults at you but he tells you it's your fault he has to insult you because you're arrogant and bigheaded! Honestly, ask him why if you're so terrible he wants to be with you. Actually, you can spare him by dumping him.

I've come across a few neggers in my time, including my own mother and almost always it's rooted in the negger's own insecurity about themselves but that's not your problem. I'm astonished they don't see it drives people away and/or towards people who are nicer and more complimentary.

My mum used to tell me and my sister things like "you're no oil painting" and "you're nothing special". When I got my first boyfriend her comment was "he's only going out with you because he can't get anyone else". Sadly it just made me more susceptible to male flattery as the compliments felt so rare and lovely and i ended up in a few relationshipsthat were less than ideal (though later married someone nice). I'm not close to my mum now and she wonders why!!!

Bin him.

I can't imagine why you'd stay to be honest.

Tell him explicitly. "I don't like the joke insults, they don't make me feel good, do not do them anymore. I need more positive reassurance from you."

Then if he ignores you, which he will, you know he literally doesn't give a flying fuck about your feelings and he wants to control you rather than enhance your life.

And then you can leave him. (Or just leave him now and save yourself the bother). My ex was like this - they don't change.

Oh cmon. She hasn’t said he has learning difficulties. No one doesn’t know insulting people isn’t something they like. Even kids know that.

And yet my ex continued to do it. He thought it was funny and because we had a jokey relationship he thought he knew my sense of humour better than I did.

She's clearly not ready to leave him right now so at least this way she gets a place where she can draw a line...

So let me get this straight, he told you he has abandonment issues and you everything you could to meet his needs and make him feel secure and reassured in your relationship

you have told him you need words of affirmation to feel secure and reassured

his response to that was basically go fuck yourself

I hope reading it like this helps you to see, I would bet there’s more reasons but helps you to see that you aren’t suited.

there is nothing wrong with what you or him need. What’s wrong is you meet his needs he doesn’t meet yours. That’s good enough reason to leave xx

He’s trying to lower your confidence so he can feel better than you and you won’t leave. Glaringly obvious OP. Get out while you’re recognising it and don’t listen to his excuses that he will use. Go!

This is absolutely it - my needs just aren’t being met. Thank you x

Negging. A truly toxic trait designed to subvert women and an absolute deal breaker for me.

Honestly OP, it doesn't get better.

The previous poster who said your needs aren't being met was spot on.

I had an ex like this, he said he had confidence issues and had been cheated on and I did everything I could to build him up and reassure him. I got nothing back, not a single complement, hint of affection, he wouldn't even hold my hand in public "because it's embarrassing."

When I found myself flirting with a colleague - because I was craving some positive attention, tragically! - I came to my senses and called it quits. It had only been a few months but I needed that positive affirmation and affection from a partner and not having it was seriously damaging.

I now have the most wonderful DH and can't believe I allowed myself to be treated like that, even briefly. I've been standing in the kitchen in the newborn trenches, with greasy hair, leaky boobs, definitely a bit smelly, and he looks at me like I'm the greatest thing he's ever seen 😂

Throw him back and find yourself someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated my love.

He's weaponising the idea of his history to manipulate you into accepting his abuse of you.

If his story is even true. I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't invented or twisted in order to abuse.

Dump him.

He is abusive.

It is textbook abuser behaviour to start off fabulous then test the water a bit, to see if you are a potential victim.

An insult here and there... wait and see... oh yes, she took it...let's see if she'll take this...

Before you know it you're trapped in a miserable life with a man who treats you with total contempt.

@Keeptrying27 what a horrible story, well done for leaving him after that weekend. I hope you are recovered now.

Im so sorry this happened to you. Well done for taking the courage to leave him, what an asshole (The nice way of putting it)

How did he manage to chat you up?

Most men wanting to seduce a woman will use flattery and charm.

What was his line?

Probably something pure dead alluring like:

"Hey baby, you're the least attractive person in the room, but as they say, you don't look at the mantlepiece when you're poking the fire, so get your coat."