To be cross with DH?

[NotSayingImBatman]

DH’s aunt is childfree and lives alone 1.5 hours from us. She had a fall on Boxing Day climbing onto the couch to reach a candle from a shelf and, despite us going over there on the day and offering to take her to hospital, she refused.

Today, one of her friends has text to say she’s had a few more falls since. She refuses to take herself to A&E but has been driving around and walking her dogs. When the text arrived, DH was fishing with DS (technically 13 as of an hour ago). I text her repeatedly telling her to call ambulance — she refused because no one was available to watch her dogs.

After much toing and froing, DH decided he would drive up to her house and take her to A&E after fishing, and bring the dogs back here (annoying, we have cats and the dogs attack them). He was supposed to be back by dinner time. Instead, he’s decided to sit with her until she’s seen, treated and discharged, which means my son is currently sitting in an A&E waiting room, 1.5 hours from home, ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

This is ridiculous, isn’t it? If he wanted to stay with her, he should’ve had the sense he was born with to bring his son back home and then go back, shouldn’t he?

I’ve just called him on DS’s phone as he was ignoring his own and he seems very put out that I’ve told him to bring our son back home immediately.

I’m not being unreasonable, am I?

Exactly. I have no sympathy for the “I don’t want to be a bother” people. They usually end up being a much bigger bother than if they’d just got help in the first place.

Why elderly people are infantilised on MN I’ll never know

That’s not what I said, is it?

it's only just rolled round to his birthday, so by the time he is home in bed then awake again, he'll have the whole day (friday) to do birthday things.

It would have been wiser to bring your son home to you first, yes, but if it was in the opposite direction I can see why he didn't, he most likely originally planned to drop her off at A&E or get an ambulance, then bring the dogs and son back home, but if it has become more likely that she would be seen and then discharged the same evening, it makes perfect sense to stay with her while that happens so you don't have to bother carting dogs around, inconveniencing your cats or doing another 3 hour round trip just to take them back.

You whinging on about your son (who I'm sure is perfectly fine) while all that kerfuffle is being sorted out by your DH is quite frankly a piss take and I'd be ignoring your calls too. Your DH is doing what he thinks is best, so if you don't think his best is good enough then I suggest you keep that to yourself seeing as you are sat at home dealing with none of it.

We don’t know she’s elderly. Where have you got that from?

But if she is, falls aren’t the same as a 40 year old having a fall. They’re serious especially if becoming frequent.

Your son will learn a good life lesson that it’s good to care for people that need a little support now and then.
He will be fine.

This

I know you think it's unreasonable as it's your DS's birthday, but he's learning a valuable lesson here in supporting family members when they are alone & in need that he will remember forever, that's a good thing to learn. His birthday will begin properly after he's got home & had some sleep and you can celebrate then.

I would have ignored your calls too.
Your son is safe. He is fine. First world trouble.

This would really irk me too.

YANBU to be irritated that DH didn't drop DS home before driving up to see Aunt. But he didn't, and I think YABU and rather dramatic to be worried about 13 yr old "missing his birthday". No he isn't, he'll come home, sleep, and then get up for his birthday. YAB utterly U to demand DH bring DS home at this point.

I think posters portraying this as an amazing adventure are being mildly overoptimistic, but it won't kill your son, and hopefully it means that your DH can come home without the dogs.

The lack of comprehension skills on Mumsnet shines through once again. No one has said ‘amazing’ adventure. But it is unusual to be allowed to stay up until 2am at 12. If he was hating it he’d have surely text his mother to pick him up hours ago.

Do you not agree that he should have driven 20 minutes home and dropped the child off though?

So what happened to the dogs? If they’re coming to yours did he not already drop them off? Presuming not as surely he would also have dropped your DS off at the same time?

To answer the actual issue - I don’t think either are being unreasonable, your DH obviously didn’t think properly about whether he would wait at a&e or not and the impact that would have on taking your son, especially as it is his birthday, so you are not wrong for being miffed.

But honestly, it just sounds like you’re all just sensitive of others feelings, your DH for his aunt, you for your DS and the aunt probably avoided a&e to avoid inconveniencing anyone 🤷🏼‍♀️

It is an annoying situation but just one of those things when you have older relatives that need care, your son is learning a life lesson and as pp have said, probably sees it as a bit of an adventure!

Your DH hasn’t thought this through, but in all honesty, no harm will come to your son sat in A&E other than terminal boredom. However, wait times in my area are astronomical and I would be concerned they’ll still be sat there when it comes light! It maybe best to work out a plan to collect him if needs be but I really don’t think it needs to be an international rescue scene.

I wouldn’t be mad at the Aunt not seeking help, this really isn’t’ unusual behaviour and most folk need persuasion/permission to seek medical help, especially if it inconveniences others. Please don’t be irked her.

I really wouldn’t leave her on her own in A&E either. The staff are not readily available to help her walk to the loo, get her a drink or food whilst in the waiting area. Your DH has likely realised this when he’s gone in. It’s probably bedlam and she may fall again.

Your DH should have dropped your son off but initially he wasn’t staying. Your son probably asked to go with Dad, my boy would have.

I'm torn to be honest.
I do think YABU the way you say he was 'supposed' to be home a certain time which makes you sound a bit overbearing.
However YANBU to be a bit annoyed by the whole thing as the aunt is a grown adult who could and should have sorted herself out days before. A birthday in a&e isn't great all things considered.

His teaching your son compassion also you can make it up to teen tomorrow. Sometimes poo happens

YABU you can’t go back in time and you are fixating on this still!

I don't understand why the aunt is in A&E. It doesn't sound like she's had an emergency. Is she in pain? You didn't say anywhere, OP, if the aunt is in immediate medical need. Wouldn't taking her to the GP tomorrow have been more appropriate?

I agree with the OP- no reason why the son couldn’t have been dropped home first, surely your husband knows that A & E wait times are long.
Also, if elderly aunt is kept in and has to wait for a bed the wait time could be days- as happened to a friends elderly mum- 48 hrs on a trolley in a corridor and someone had to stay with her at all times- family had to swap around in shifts which would have been a nightmare if there hadn’t been a few of them to do this or if the hospital had been far from home rather than just an hour away.

Do you have access to a second car? I would go and fetch my son.

Has she been admitted, sent home, still waiting? Has anyone seen to the dogs, fed them, fresh water, let them out or cleaned up the mess?

We spent new years eve and day, tag teaming on my MIL ... took 17 hours for the ambulance to turn up. Then 6 hours outside the hospital... in a queue of 18 ambulances... but those were the comfortable part. Then 4 hours with her on the trolley in the a and e corridor, and me or dh standing, or sitting on the floor. 103 people (they have a webpage) average 6 hours IN a and e. That was accompanying someone in pain with broken bones. Could be there a while. Could be sat on a filthy floor. (Took a cushion on the second shift)

Hope she is OK, the dogs are fine and your son has a happy birthday.

I’d be furious if my child ended up sitting in adult A&E all night. They are not pleasant places.

A trip to adult A&E where I live involved 19-23 hour wait to see a doctor last week and in that time you were in a waiting room absolutely full of unwell people (and their whole family in most cases…). It is not the place for a child, whether it’s their birthday or not.

If it involved nipping her in to be checked over and dropping her back at home an hour later, I wouldn’t get worked up about it. But I would assume they’re still there now and quite possibly haven’t even been seen yet. So I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

This. If she's well enough to be walking the dogs she's going to be right at the bottom of the list in a&e triage. Would have been much better to get to GP and have a shorter, comfier experience. Too late now though. They'll just have to ride it out.

I think your husband is teaching him a good life lesson. You've to step up when needed, even if uts your birthday.