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AIBU?

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Original poster

Kissing grandparents

106 replies

Eddy334 · 01/01/2025 14:42

Just wondered what everyone's take on this. My 5 year old sees her Grandma and step Grandfather on her dad's side every couple of months for a weekend. They have been together and married for 30 years. We go down as a family and stay for 1 or 2 nights

The grandfather always insists on kissing my daughter on the lips which I find a bit weird. Shall I say something or is it not a problem?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/01/2025 15:19

Marshbird · 01/01/2025 15:18

Those saying they don’t kiss their own child on lips, are a bit extreme imhe.

theres strong links to weening and kissing to prepare food suitable for babies..jeez mammals do it with their youngsters! So, I think it’s natural instinct for parents and small kids and babies. Possibly grandmothers or aunts too doing mouth kissing as a natural instinct- but aunts these days will be mostly too well aware to think it’s ok.

but by 5-9 most kids will start to move away from taking comfort in mouth kissing but steer more to still having cuddles. Just like dropping breast feeding naturally. Again, all mammals take pleasure and reassurance in grooming, and in absence of body hair/fur cuddling is our grooming. Imhe, As adults we don’t touch in non sexual ways enough in some cases. Many older people who are isolated and lonely would massively benefit from human hugs for mental well-being. You can see this in good care homes where staff are still allowed to give short hugs. I’d very interested in studies between non sexual physical contact and depression 🧐

however, small child and male relative who’d not be involved in personal care like weening, nope. Not something I’d not question. GENERALLY. Smacks of lack of awareness, or something worse. BUT, it may also be because in a completely non harmful way , in 1950/60s when growing up his grandmother did this and he associates it with fond normal memerories of a close relationship. Just misplaced that he doesn’t get it might not be wanted here.

talk with him and grandma. Say daughter doesn’t want to, that you’re not keen…keep it light, don’t make a big deal unless he does. If he does, shut him down firmly…becuase if he argues it’s clearly not lack of self awareness!

This is a longer, and much more educated version of what I think!

Frubesboobs · 01/01/2025 15:20

The child may start behaving the same way you taught them at home, but outside the family circle — kissing other children or adults on the lips as a way to express sympathy. The psychologist points out that, even if it was an innocent gesture on the part of the parents, children learn things by mimicry. So they might try to repeat the same gesture with others, without realizing the intimate implication of this gesture. This is why she recommends only kissing the child on the cheeks or on the forehead.

BondStreet · 01/01/2025 15:22

Nobody kisses my DC on the lips other than me and their dad. Cheek kisses are ok from grandparents but not lips.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 01/01/2025 15:23

I dislike the way young children are made to hug and kiss people. It's not on.

I'd step in.

Wolfpa · 01/01/2025 15:23

What does him insisting look like? Have you asked him to stop?

I wouldn’t be kissing a child on the lips mainly due to all of the germs they usually carry but I often have a child forced on me to give a kiss goodbye. It seems to be the norm in many families maybe it is the norm in your FILs too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/01/2025 15:24

BondStreet · 01/01/2025 15:22

Nobody kisses my DC on the lips other than me and their dad. Cheek kisses are ok from grandparents but not lips.

This.

Even cheek kisses require consent as well.

MaryGreenhill · 01/01/2025 15:24

It's so odd that some ppl find this ok .
I hate it but l do know ppl do this and they aren't motivated by anything other than it's their normal accepted behaviour.
Think the Beckhams had a thread on here once about this exact thing .

FelizNavidadAmiga · 01/01/2025 15:27

I would not allow that at all. My children usually high five or fist bump relatives with the occasional hug. It's up to them and the grandparents can like it or lump it!

Ladybyrd · 01/01/2025 15:27

I am struggling to compute this thread. My parents are about as conservative and non huggy as you can get, but family members kiss on the lips. Why do people sexualise everything - it's family. Each to their own but it's a nonissue for me (obviously if the child doesn't want to everyone should respect their boundaries).

Ladybyrd · 01/01/2025 15:28

FelizNavidadAmiga · 01/01/2025 15:27

I would not allow that at all. My children usually high five or fist bump relatives with the occasional hug. It's up to them and the grandparents can like it or lump it!

Hi five grandma? Jeese...

RosesAndHellebores · 01/01/2025 15:30

BondStreet · 01/01/2025 15:22

Nobody kisses my DC on the lips other than me and their dad. Cheek kisses are ok from grandparents but not lips.

Nobody kissed our dc on the lips - not even DH or me.

It is also not something that ever came up.

FuriousPoodle · 01/01/2025 15:31

Gross. Why didn’t you intervene the first time it happened?

Marshbird · 01/01/2025 15:32

I’d add, I’m a great aunt. Gorgeous little great niece. 1 year old. I’ve kissed her twice on top of head, in more recent months with mums permission when she’s put her lovely snuggly head into my shoulder ….I’ve given hugs and holds, but would always ask mum or dad.
and now she’s old enough to begin to express her own opinions, I would be led by her…if she tries to pull away from a hug or hold or looks for mum or gran, or is just not reaching for me as she passes to me, I’ll hand her over right away. Anyone with an ounce of sensitivity will do this, check with child for reaction before touching . Not hard

AyrnotAir · 01/01/2025 15:33

Oh that would give me the boak as a child and now. Male relatives always just kiss us on the cheeks.

OliveLeader · 01/01/2025 15:42

I probably wouldn’t let an unrelated man kiss a child on the lips. These things can be cultural but if it’s not part of your culture and given he isn’t related to her I would be wary - plus there is the viral herpes risk (which is why I don’t let anyone kiss my kids on their hands or faces).

polpolpolpol · 01/01/2025 15:42

Ladybyrd · 01/01/2025 15:27

I am struggling to compute this thread. My parents are about as conservative and non huggy as you can get, but family members kiss on the lips. Why do people sexualise everything - it's family. Each to their own but it's a nonissue for me (obviously if the child doesn't want to everyone should respect their boundaries).

A grown adult man, insisting on kissing a 5 year old on the lips, and you don't compute why that might be an issue?

I see that as fully your problem.

caringcarer · 01/01/2025 15:47

Better to give a kiss on the forehead.

SleepToad · 01/01/2025 15:49

In my family on my mum's side it was normal to kiss little kids on the lips (1970/80s) you stopped doing it once the kids started school. Personally I fucking hated it once I got to about 7, kissing some snoty toddler cousin...yuk.
These days it's a definite no, just not done. I give my great nephew and niece a high five or one arm squeeze...have done since they were dappers

Whoknew24 · 01/01/2025 15:51

Absolutely not ! Also do not leave him alone with her keep an eye on this.

Tia86 · 01/01/2025 15:51

My in-laws do this, both MiL and FIL. It makes me cringe. It is easing up a bit now they are older and I did make some comments to my children that you don't have to kiss someone or even hug them when FIL starts insisting 'give your grandma a hug and kiss then'

Tia86 · 01/01/2025 15:51

My in-laws do this, both MiL and FIL. It makes me cringe. It is easing up a bit now they are older and I did make some comments to my children that you don't have to kiss someone or even hug them when FIL starts insisting 'give your grandma a hug and kiss then'

pizzaHeart · 01/01/2025 15:52

Bigearringsbigsmile · 01/01/2025 14:45

I've never kissed my own children on the lips!

This ^ neither DH, my parents, my sister and her partner, my friends etc etc
I don’t know anyone who does this so I guess it’s not normal.

polpolpolpol · 01/01/2025 15:53

Tia86 · 01/01/2025 15:51

My in-laws do this, both MiL and FIL. It makes me cringe. It is easing up a bit now they are older and I did make some comments to my children that you don't have to kiss someone or even hug them when FIL starts insisting 'give your grandma a hug and kiss then'

It makes you cringe but not enough to step up and prevent it?

Maddy70 · 01/01/2025 15:53

Kalasbyxor · 01/01/2025 14:45

Lip kissing anyone you're not romantically involved with is off. Tell DP to kiss his dad on the lips next time.

Don't be daft