My sister was given help to buy a £3.3 million condo and my parents are pretending she bought it in her own (as a medical resident in a public hospital)

[Winter2028]

I am from a wealthy family (from overseas) and I moved to London when my parents paid for my university education in the uk. I married a brit and established my life in London with no help from my parents after university and as my DH is from a modest background, we bought a tiny 2 bed flat in zone 3 London for 400k when I was 26 and my DH was 29 (did live with Dh's mum and his 3 sisters in the London family home as we married young). We still live there and have a baby on the way (had many years of infertility). I am now 32 years old.

I have recently returned for my sister's wedding (she is 28). My parents took me to see her new condo, making a big show of the pool, home theatre, river, views (currently under renovation) and told me they want me to stay there with the new baby when I next visit (as they are downsizing their large home and would be renting). Basically they made this decision without consulting my sister's new husband. In all honestly I would rather stay in a hotel but this is to demonstrate how much control they have over the new property. Their faces are also recognised by the facial recognition app that the development uses and they are registered residents (and can park there). The groom's parents are not official residents.

Obviously the condo is v expensive the equivalent of 3.5 million quid. It is none of my business what my sister buys but my parents haven't admitted that there was any help and are in fact pretending that my sister bought it on her own as she is v successful. She is but she and her husband are 28 years old, and are in residency training at a public hospital in my home country. My best friend is also a doctor in the same country and she told me that there is no way they can get such a large mortgage. Maybe 1 million quid mortgage and plus you need a minimum 25% deposit..

I don't really care about the money as I never expected an inheritance from my parents but it irritates me they aren't even honest about what they are gifting. My grandparents did the same, overseas education for 2 of their kids and bought a house with my father but at least they were upfront about it but my parents are making out my sister is funding it from paye income. He also makes out that everyone of my sisters peers is earning 300k in investment banking and all my peers in my home country are earning 500k (in gbp). Presumably so I would think the 3.5 million quid house is funded from paye income.

Also when I suggested that we do another family photo shoot (my parents do them periodically), when my baby arrives (first grandchild), my mother said we need to wait until my sister has her first child. I also asked my mother if she would like to come to London to see her new grandchild (though explained as the flat is small I couldn't host but my parents can easily afford hotels), she said she was flexible but wouldn't it be better for me to take the baby here (14 hour flight) to show to the aunts. I take that as a subtle no.

On top of all this they are honestly quite mean to my husband, he paid for brunch yesterday and my mum said it was all my fault cos I didn't educate my husband on the etiquette ( the seniors pay and my husband is too much of an underclass person to pay)..the thing is my husband felt they were being controlling with money, disliked it and decided to pay. I broke down in tears (pregnancy hormones)and my mum just doubled down.

Honestly feeling a bit vulnerable and need a handheld.

You broke down in tears, but I doubt it was prelacy hormones. They were being downright nasty, and very people would come out of that without tears.

They think their money makes them special. It doesn't. This underclass bullshit makes them seem backward and ignorant. Most reasonable people would laugh at them.

1.You are making massive assumptions about whether your parents contributed to it. It’s none of your business.
Maybe her husband has huge amounts of savings, inheritance, financial help? Maybe your parents did help. Life isn’t fair. Get used to that!

2.It definitely makes sense to do a family photo once both babies have been born.

3.Maybe your mum could come and stay, it sounds like you had a short conversation then you went off in a huff. Talk about it more. Maybe she can visit you and you can visit her. It doesn’t have to be 1 or the other. It is much easier to travel with a baby on a plane than a toddler.

4.You can’t mean your parents don’t help, then moan that they wanted to pay for dinner!

Honestly your parents sound awful.
Unkind, unwelcoming and clearly liars.
Is your sister their golden child?
If so, you cannot change it.
Best you return home, have your baby and get on with your life.
Your mother sounds very low class herself.
You cannot change them, so live your life.

The dh is from a humble background.

Plus the groom's parents are totally not involved in anything while my parents are involved in everything. The condo didn't even let my sister in while my parents are allowed in. It's either my parents or no one helped. He is 28 years old as well.

I asked if her husband would mind me staying if the baby cries. My mum says he has no choice and has to wear earplugs!

I think you’re making an assumption about where the money for the condo came from, have you asked her?

wait for the other baby to have a family photo…. Do one with your husband.

I think you need to communicate with your parents better … tell them how you feel

If the money for the condo came from the other side why are my parents the registered residents and doing the renovations. Even my sister's money for the renovations is in my dad's bank account (that is a fact, he told me because he wants to manage my money in a similar way as well).

I don't actually care for photo shoots. It is my mother's thing and I thought she would want one with her first grandchild.. but she wants to wait for my sister's child and my sister is currently doing surgery training (5 years). Even my mum admitted it may be a while before she has a child. They both work v long work hours.

The sister isn't pregnant, only the OP is...
YANBU, OP. I don't know if you're right about the house, but everything else sounds batshit.

I would've probably just bow to them and hope for an inheritance if my parents had been wealthy.

In reality though it went like this - 'Dad, I'm gay and I've explained to you that I'm not going to have a girlfriend, if you can't accept this, then you lose your only son, and I'll never, ever want you in my life again'....He soon changed his mind.

Fucker died and left me nowt, but by me telling him he needed to change his thought process and his bigoted ways, it meant we still had a relationship when he went.

Probably doesn't help, don't know what the moral of the story is, but I wasn't being treated like shit by either of my parents, and I would've gone NC.

All the best to you.

I think you should spend less time worrying about what your parents are doing with their money and thank your lucky stars that they are not so enmeshed with your life as they are with your sister's!

I do. It's not about the money, it's the fact they are not being honest with me.

Englishman here, but let me guess: Singapore 🙄

Sounds like you should thank your lucky stars they didn't help you buy a house.. because clearly the price you would have paid in return would be them having control over you and being very invasive.
You are lucky you live far away from them.
Just ignore this bullshit. Clearly they like having your sister as a show pony.
Just focus on the lovely life you have made for yourself and your baby.
And your lovely husband.
Your parents sound batshit.

I agree with some PPs that it's probably best you are not financially reliant on your parents OP, they sound awful.

As for the etiquette bullshit, why should your parents' culture trump your husband's? Maybe they should learn the etiquette of his culture.

And please do not get into the habit of blaming "pregnancy hormones" for having perfectly valid emotional reactions.

Neither of your parents are fair to you because you are not the “golden child”.

What I don’t understand is why you don’t outright ask them how much they are funding your sisters Condo.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, you also seem to have married a sensible chap, he was dead right to pay for brunch. It’s not the hormones, your mother was horrible to you, she doesn’t want a family photo of her with her first grandchild as you are not the golden child. In your shoes I’d have it out with them and walk away. It’s a hard thing to confront this sad rejection of you. Any mother who won’t fly to see her daughter after giving birth is telling you who she is. Very sad. But you clearly have made a good life in London, so that is your future.

What are you hoping for from this post, OP?

You know what your parents are doing. You obviously don’t want them giving you that sort of money and taking that sort of control over your life so it doesn’t seem like you’re wanting to get them to treat you like they treat your sister. They aren’t going to be honest with you until it suits their purposes to be. There isn’t anything you’re going to be able to do to change them.

Are you just having a moan? That’s fine. I don’t know what your cultural background is, but I understand that feeling like your parents are being dishonest with you is wearing. I would imagine it leaves you feeling like the relationship is a performance, inauthentic. But I think you need to make peace with it. Decide how much you want to be involved with them and make your decisions based on that. Maybe try and pursue your relationship with your sister and her DH as separately as you can. Stay in a hotel when you visit. Etc.

What they’ve given you - the UK education - has lead to a career and marriage that you, presumably, love. Try and grateful for that without worrying too much about the loss of a connection with them you can trust now.

Whay if that condo is from some dodgey money transactions? Would you want to be in the know?
Your parents live in a parallel world. Let them be. They wiuld never understand your way of living, and your values.

You got away and they know it. They’re punishing you, belittling you. You do have choices. But with choices come money implications by the sound of it. Your sister otoh is totally in their thrall.

Are you happy with your choices, because if you are, whatever happens between them and your dsis is unfortunately just noise? Getting to accept the situation for what it is is very hard.

It’s a horrible thing to have to accept how flawed and selfish your parents are. I would urge you to have counselling. A lot of childhood pain can be surface when you have a child.

Perhaps they are managing the renovations because your sister is short on time due to her medical training.
Maybe the banks look highly on surgeons and gave them a loan. Maybe your parents put some of the money up and own a share of the property
.
Only worry about what actually concerns you.
Instigate photos with as much family as you can with your small child.
Encourage your mother to come and visit you. Be welcoming and work out a place for her to stay. (air b&B nearby, hotel nearby or in your room while you sleep in the living room.)

You're the lucky one here OP. Your poor sister having to put up with all of that. Continue to carve your own path.
I'd visit minimally. Keep the talk light and superficial. Your parents sounds horrible.

Also curious as to where this is - I'm guessing HK/Singapore/Shanghai etc?

Without reading every single post in guessing some will think you've made some massive assumptions. Those who have experienced of this dynamic will recognise, and agree your spidey senses are spot on.

Look up "golden child" "scape goat" and narcissistic parents.

It didn't matter how much of it is your parents, or their culture, this is what this screams to me.

Keep arms length, don't expect anything from your parents, let alone the truth, and thank your lucky stars they're 14 hours away.

It sounds as if your mum is giving you the same story she's giving other relatives/ friends because you're now outside her immediate circle of influence.

I'm sorry, the gradual realisation that your parents are not as you first thought can be overwhelming. Your life, however, seems to being going well. Don't let them spoil it for you.

I would minimise contact with your parents if I were you.
What is your sister like? What's her stance on all of this?

I'm not sure what you are moaning about. They are obviously proud of your sister and from your example they haven't mistreated you. I would be glad that my sister is living with my parents in their old age and taking care of them.

Op just let them be but they do sound very controlling. As the pp mentioned; thank your lucky stars that you live 14 hours away from them in London and that your DH is someone who has a spine and can't be controlled by money!

This sounds like a Crazy Rich Asians type film plot. What a strange way to live.