My sister was given help to buy a £3.3 million condo and my parents are pretending she bought it in her own (as a medical resident in a public hospital)

[Winter2028]

I am from a wealthy family (from overseas) and I moved to London when my parents paid for my university education in the uk. I married a brit and established my life in London with no help from my parents after university and as my DH is from a modest background, we bought a tiny 2 bed flat in zone 3 London for 400k when I was 26 and my DH was 29 (did live with Dh's mum and his 3 sisters in the London family home as we married young). We still live there and have a baby on the way (had many years of infertility). I am now 32 years old.

I have recently returned for my sister's wedding (she is 28). My parents took me to see her new condo, making a big show of the pool, home theatre, river, views (currently under renovation) and told me they want me to stay there with the new baby when I next visit (as they are downsizing their large home and would be renting). Basically they made this decision without consulting my sister's new husband. In all honestly I would rather stay in a hotel but this is to demonstrate how much control they have over the new property. Their faces are also recognised by the facial recognition app that the development uses and they are registered residents (and can park there). The groom's parents are not official residents.

Obviously the condo is v expensive the equivalent of 3.5 million quid. It is none of my business what my sister buys but my parents haven't admitted that there was any help and are in fact pretending that my sister bought it on her own as she is v successful. She is but she and her husband are 28 years old, and are in residency training at a public hospital in my home country. My best friend is also a doctor in the same country and she told me that there is no way they can get such a large mortgage. Maybe 1 million quid mortgage and plus you need a minimum 25% deposit..

I don't really care about the money as I never expected an inheritance from my parents but it irritates me they aren't even honest about what they are gifting. My grandparents did the same, overseas education for 2 of their kids and bought a house with my father but at least they were upfront about it but my parents are making out my sister is funding it from paye income. He also makes out that everyone of my sisters peers is earning 300k in investment banking and all my peers in my home country are earning 500k (in gbp). Presumably so I would think the 3.5 million quid house is funded from paye income.

Also when I suggested that we do another family photo shoot (my parents do them periodically), when my baby arrives (first grandchild), my mother said we need to wait until my sister has her first child. I also asked my mother if she would like to come to London to see her new grandchild (though explained as the flat is small I couldn't host but my parents can easily afford hotels), she said she was flexible but wouldn't it be better for me to take the baby here (14 hour flight) to show to the aunts. I take that as a subtle no.

On top of all this they are honestly quite mean to my husband, he paid for brunch yesterday and my mum said it was all my fault cos I didn't educate my husband on the etiquette ( the seniors pay and my husband is too much of an underclass person to pay)..the thing is my husband felt they were being controlling with money, disliked it and decided to pay. I broke down in tears (pregnancy hormones)and my mum just doubled down.

Honestly feeling a bit vulnerable and need a handheld.

That is all quite feasible.

Try not to analyse it all too much, op, it does no good and will not change anything.

I am, however, wondering why your parents consider your husband to be 'underclass'. I first heard that term used by someone in the 1990s, a Daily Mail reader; she was quoting the DM and agreeing with it :). She was a bit dim in fairness and rather snobbish.

I googled and found this as definition of 'the underclass in the UK' : "The underclass is the segment of the population that occupies the lowest possible position in a class hierarchy, below the core body of the working class. This group is usually considered cut off from the rest of the society".

I hate classifying people but surely you husband is not in that category?

Your parents would certainly not fit in well over here with that attitude.

I hope all goes well with your pregnancy.

Op, financial matters are personal. I have never discussed my finances with either my dm or my dsis. It's none of their business. Equally, how your parents arrange finances with your sister are really none of your concern.

If your parents have put money into the apartment, they are clearly getting their share. As you say, they are dictating who will stay there, they have unlimited access. Your dsis' home is not her own, they have barely moved in and already your mum is acting like she is the owner. That sounds like a nightmare to me. Pity your dsis' and be glad you escaped.

As for who pays for dinner, your DH sounds lovely. He correctly saw that your mum was being controlling, and as host and a grown adult who has some dignity and self respect, he paid. He has made it clear that in your joint home, you are in charge. Humble doesn't come into it - this isn't the 1850s.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Also OP, it sounds like your mum thinks the only thing that matters is money. How very ignorant and vulgar.

Much more important and valuable is having a strong independent partner, a good education and career, and the personal freedom to live without parental interference.

Your parents have bought her the condo so they can move into it and your DS will be their carer, you may be poorer but be glad you have financial freedom. A gilded cage is still a cage.

But her sister isn't even pregnant and there is no indication that she will be having a child soon. Why on earth wouldn't her parents want a family photo after OP's baby is born?

Is it because your baby is mixed race, you haven't moved back home, and have married a Brit?
Enjoy your own life OP - it's not worth having it out with them. Just be pleasant from a thankful distance. Feel glad for the control you have over your own life. That's what irks them - their loss.

It feels like they are trying to control you by rationing the time they are prepared to spend with you and by making unreasonable and unfair demands on your requests. They're being deliberately awkward and obtuse.
Be prepared for this to get worse if you don't respond in the way they want you to. Money is a big way of being controlled and your sister has no way out if they'vev put money into a property for her

You sound like you are doing really well whilst trying to navigate a very tricky family dynamic. Value your independence. Don't rely on them for anything. You can still be a good family member and maintain relationships with the right boundaries in place

Are they planning to live with your sister?

The dynamic is toxic and enmeshed.
Wanting to manage your money?
A married woman?
Controlling and toxic.

Be glad they are far away.
Forget about the money.
I bet they use it to control your sister.
Be glad they can't do that with you.

Assuming this isn't a fairy story, of course it's about the money. It drips from your every word. What your parents do with their money is not your business. Your sisters life and lifestryle is not your business. And what your parents may or may not have agreed with your sister is definitely not your business. If you don't like the way they treat you, or your husband, that is your business and you can choose to cut or reduce contact (not tthat it sounds like you have much anyway).

In some ways this is true..one shouldn't expect any kind of honesty or love from parents as adults..

Nope. They want to downsize and get another condo. Thats what they are telling me anyway.. my dad did mention living at my sister's condo while they sort out the rental (they want to sell up before buying).

It is supposed to be my sister's condo.

If my parents were that rich I just ask them to help me financially to move to a bigger place.

£3.5 mill on a flat?

sounds like the flats your parents not your sisters. I would start taking control. You dont owe them anything. Send them some nice photos of baby. I wouldnt be taking a small child on a 14 hour flight. Thats hard enough as an adult to do that let alone a young child if they wont sit still

Definitely not in their name though. It would mean paying hundreds of thousands in stamp duty if not a primary residence and they own a large home.

Lol they would laugh in my face and tell me to earn more money. I have more dignity than that.

Once they move in I bet they don't move out...

They are used to living in a very large house. My sisters condo has 1 master bedroom and 3 single/ box rooms. Good for a couple and young kids. Kitchen is smaller than most London kitchens..it is impressive in square footage but that does include the balcony and aircon ledge! My dad lived all his life in houses, never lived in an apartment but he is worried about growing old in a house with lots of stairs.

How much did your parents pay on your education in the UK compared to your sister's education at home? Is it possible this balances things out?
Are you known to squabble and compete as sisters? Is tthat possibly why they are not telling you everything?

Or do you think they like pitting you and your sister against each other, to feel all powerful and in control of you both?

I would thank your lucky stars that you don’t have to pay the price of having your parents control your life in exchange for a fancy flat.

But tell me, where in the world do 2 (very) junior doctors in a public hospital earn enough for a million pound mortgage?

@Winter2028 pretty clear they look down their noses at your DH hence you won’t qualify for inheritance/help because you didn’t marry someone they approve of - and they know they can’t control you, that’s why

What a nasty reply - the sister isn't pregnant she's training as a doctor & their mother doesn't want "family pictures" of the daughter & grandchild she's about to have because their not as successfully/wealthy

OPs already explained why it's unlikely her sister & BIL bought a multi million home & that paying for brunch is not generous

Enjoy your own life OP - it's not worth having it out with them. Just be pleasant from a thankful distance. Feel glad for the control you have over your own life. That's what irks them - their loss.

This.

They may be more interested when baby is here - but I suspect when DSis has baby you'd be dropped.

You can't change how they behave just how you react to it.

I recognise you from other posts OP and your parents have always come across very controlling with money imo. Of course it’s going to sting if parents are praising one dc over the other particularly when it involves money. Are they annoyed you left your home country?

2.It definitely makes sense to do a family photo once both babies have been born.

It doesn’t make sense when one of these babies hasn’t even been conceived yet 😆