My sister was given help to buy a £3.3 million condo and my parents are pretending she bought it in her own (as a medical resident in a public hospital)

[Winter2028]

I am from a wealthy family (from overseas) and I moved to London when my parents paid for my university education in the uk. I married a brit and established my life in London with no help from my parents after university and as my DH is from a modest background, we bought a tiny 2 bed flat in zone 3 London for 400k when I was 26 and my DH was 29 (did live with Dh's mum and his 3 sisters in the London family home as we married young). We still live there and have a baby on the way (had many years of infertility). I am now 32 years old.

I have recently returned for my sister's wedding (she is 28). My parents took me to see her new condo, making a big show of the pool, home theatre, river, views (currently under renovation) and told me they want me to stay there with the new baby when I next visit (as they are downsizing their large home and would be renting). Basically they made this decision without consulting my sister's new husband. In all honestly I would rather stay in a hotel but this is to demonstrate how much control they have over the new property. Their faces are also recognised by the facial recognition app that the development uses and they are registered residents (and can park there). The groom's parents are not official residents.

Obviously the condo is v expensive the equivalent of 3.5 million quid. It is none of my business what my sister buys but my parents haven't admitted that there was any help and are in fact pretending that my sister bought it on her own as she is v successful. She is but she and her husband are 28 years old, and are in residency training at a public hospital in my home country. My best friend is also a doctor in the same country and she told me that there is no way they can get such a large mortgage. Maybe 1 million quid mortgage and plus you need a minimum 25% deposit..

I don't really care about the money as I never expected an inheritance from my parents but it irritates me they aren't even honest about what they are gifting. My grandparents did the same, overseas education for 2 of their kids and bought a house with my father but at least they were upfront about it but my parents are making out my sister is funding it from paye income. He also makes out that everyone of my sisters peers is earning 300k in investment banking and all my peers in my home country are earning 500k (in gbp). Presumably so I would think the 3.5 million quid house is funded from paye income.

Also when I suggested that we do another family photo shoot (my parents do them periodically), when my baby arrives (first grandchild), my mother said we need to wait until my sister has her first child. I also asked my mother if she would like to come to London to see her new grandchild (though explained as the flat is small I couldn't host but my parents can easily afford hotels), she said she was flexible but wouldn't it be better for me to take the baby here (14 hour flight) to show to the aunts. I take that as a subtle no.

On top of all this they are honestly quite mean to my husband, he paid for brunch yesterday and my mum said it was all my fault cos I didn't educate my husband on the etiquette ( the seniors pay and my husband is too much of an underclass person to pay)..the thing is my husband felt they were being controlling with money, disliked it and decided to pay. I broke down in tears (pregnancy hormones)and my mum just doubled down.

Honestly feeling a bit vulnerable and need a handheld.

what irks me is the dishonesty. My sister singlehandedly paid for all that and that is what they are making out. It is a repeat of the story that my dad bought a 4 bed house one month out of uni and his parents didn't help him at all when his father's name was on the house.

So learn phrases that shut it down - that's nice - so you've said - then change the subject. It's unlikely they'll change so learn how to manage interactions.

It's like them saying the sky is green - you know it's not true but you've probably tried pointing that out and nothing changed so smile and nod and move on.

If you want baby studio photo - do them and send or don't send copy to your Dmum. She's not bothered or wants to look that way to you - that's hurtful - but work to move mentally on - and work towards caring less - as you are the one being upset by it all she not bothered - try less hard and see if her behavior changes.

Once your DSis does have kids - it's very likely they will be favoured GC and large topic of conversation and it will be upsetting ( likely more so than how they don't favour you ) - your kids successes underplayed.

So my advice find techniques that help now or it will get worse.

It's actually very rude that your mum said she would wait until your Dsis had a baby for a family photo - especially as your Dsis herself has no plan to have a child for 10 years. Wtf! Your child would be 10. That's basically your mum saying that her other daughter's children are 'the main event' and you and your family can just slot into that. It's a slap in the face OP - especially as you only suggested a photo because your mum is into that kind of thing. Totally get why you are hurt.

She may also be applying subtle pressure on your Dsis to have a baby sooner than her stated 10 year time frame. In your mum's mind - look now Dsis has the condo, there is a room for the baby but also a room for her to move in to 'help' with the baby so your Dsis can finish her training.

Just be glad you're well out of it. I know it's hard though.

When I accepted that whatever I did was always going to be criticised by the DPs and I literally couldn't do right for doing wrong, it was actually liberating. When the wool falls from your eyes and your see things for what they are, then you just let it all pass over your head - even laugh at it.

A handhold.

Well that was pretty judgemental!

Whether it was a loit or a little, there's something off in giving zilch financial help and buying a lansion suoposedky for your sister but seemingly only when they decide. They are obviously furious that you managed to get out from under their $$$$ . I would feel so sorry for your sister being used like a puppet and her poor husband having to eat humble pie. Thank your stars, make NO move to placate your Mum!

Ok so they paid for the whole thing then.
You allege you don't care about her life or your inheritance.
You're clearly very well off yourself. So why let it bother you?
I'd strongly suggest you just ignore your rude relatives and enjoy your own life.

I think I saw this! Grey’s Anatomy right?

Have you spoken to your DSis about any of this?
My sister and I regularly compare notes on our parents batshittery...but they aren't toxic, just entertaining.

your 2nd point makes no sense. The sister is not pregnant and is undergoing tough surgical training for 5 years as part of her residency, it’s possible she won’t even start trying for years. The family photo with OP’s newborn would make sense as said newborn might be 5 or 6 before sister has a baby.

I lived in Singapore for a few years and it does sound like that's where you are talking about. 😉

Your parents preventing resource dilution for the child left at home has some logic I guess. Do they see you as privileged and successful (by their standards) by studying, marrying and working abroad? It's certainly seen as a privilege from my Asian background too, though the reality as you know is quite different.

Ugh, this is awful. I don't think she deserves your respect or love.

The fact they won’t travel to see you (so you don’t need to travel long haul with a baby), says a lot. Whether they’ve lied about funding your sisters house or not. It’s all not very nice.

They’re family and it is usually best to keep things running in as much harmony as possible. So I’d say Let Them. Let them get on with whatever they’re doing and you live your life in London with your immediate family. Have a break for a while, from them.

Are you close to your sister OP? Would you speak to her about it? I can't imagine accepting that much money from my parents knowing my siblings wouldn't get the same treatment (and worse, agreeing to keep it a secret)

Sounds like Singapore...

What horrible people. I actually pity your sister and her DH being stuck beholden to this unpleasant lot.
They also sound backwards, talking of 'underclass'.

I must say, I'm surprised at the amount of people saying that what your parents choose to do with their money, when it involves blatantly favouring one child over another, is none of your business and you should keep out of it.
I don't know anyone "IRL" who would be happy that their parents gifted their sibling a £3m property, knowing that they themselves were in a small flat worth a fraction of that.
I think parents should, within reason, try and treat their children as fairly and equally as possible.

So OP, I think your parents sound pretty mean 1) for massively favouring your sister over you and b) for not being honest about it, so I'm not surprised you're upset. I'd be devastated - it would really affect my relationship with my parents if it happened in my family. Not only that but parents must know that their actions risk also damaging the sibling relationship. The fact that they don't seem to care about that tells me everything about the type of parents they are.

Um... I don't think her sister is expecting yet. She might never conceive or plan to have kids. There's over ten years between my DC and my SILs kids.

English bloke here, but one who spent many years around the Far East and is married to an escaped Chinese woman. This could not be more obviously Singapore if there were a flashing neon sign. 😂
(Fifty quid to a charity of your choice if I’m wrong 😉). I bet this family have adopted Christianity too, it goes with the territory.

To explain all this the story must be viewed through a cultural lens. The OP will obviously know this already, but some posters on here may not.

Many in this culture have an obsession with status and money, and it’s blatant display. It’s one of the greatest clashes between us Brits and the Singaporeans. They see the display of wealth as high class (there’s the status thing) whereas us Brits see it as spectacularly low-class behaviour.

c.f. The requirement for excruciatingly naff stage-managed, costumed, expensive, baby photos. Just take some nice photos with a phone 🙄.

Anything which challenges the social and financial hierarchy - like the OP’s husband secretly paying for lunch (at least without the required loud argument about who’s paying) - is very likely to be perceived as a put-down or deliberate insult. Care is required here.

I’d say the OP’s parents are devastated that the OP, after them having paid for her prestigious education in UK, did not return home, get a high-paying job, marry a rich Chinese bloke, and move back next door to them. Their plans were ruined, and they are lashing out.

It not nice, and the OP has my absolute sympathy. Cross-cultural relationships can be difficult sometimes.

I had a discussion with my parents and apparently my sister has a large loan from my parents over 10 years which was imposed on her once she graduated. It is pegged to her anticipated earning power though according to my doctor friend it would take her a while to leave the public sector. My mum said she spends most of her salary on the loan and that my mother considered 'buying a house for me in London (no doubt with conditions attached)' but my father said I wanted to be independent. To be fair to them my father did offer to buy a house in their name for me to live in rent free (just pay bills and council tax) and for it to be in their name..however the houses they suggested were so weird aka in isle of dogs (which my father thought was a good area and practically canary wharf) or in camden near the railway line (and interlaced with comments like when the 1.1 million house drops to 700k) that I didn't think it was serious plus I had already saved up 70k at that point for a deposit. But maybe it was serious. I also didn't really understand it as I had lived rent free with my mother inblaw for 3 years at this point so not sure how living rent free for more years would be progress. It would definitely be a way to control me as my father would have power to evict me.

Anyway unrelated to the whole condo thing, we have moved into a hotel cos the atmosphere was so tense that my dh has a panic attack (he hasn't had one ever).

Good to clear the air.

Hope your poor DH has recovered.

As a fellow Asian, in a larger sense, this whole thing is cultural and I doubt you will get much help here.

You either need to grow a thicker skin or distance yourself ( which you already have done in a way). Our Asian parents will say things we dont like.

Op your situation resonates with me. When I mentioned the living standards and expectations imposed upon us, my British friends have no understanding of the issues and to them our parents sound abhorrent.

However it is also due to my parents that overseas investment portfolios is something expected and supported financially by them. We might not appreciate now but at the later stage of our lives.

If I was you I'll lament to them the difficulties of saving and investing in the UK without directly asking them for money. With parents like ours, we do have to have thicker skin.

Enjoy your distance away from them but do seek their support and advice on investments. All the best x

Yes, Asian parents do sound abhorrent to native British people.😂
Having said that, I have not taken a penny from my parents or inlaws. Prefer to live life without expectations. Granted I am way older than you, and it's harder now.

My family live on the Isle of Dogs! It's nice, very industrial chic, large Chinese Asian community, lots of young families, but very quiet and so many new empty flats nearby so completely souless.

But yes, if you can be independent then do! It's worthwhile rather than being beholden and feeling so much fear, obligation, and guilt.

Glad you were able to clear the air.