My sister was given help to buy a £3.3 million condo and my parents are pretending she bought it in her own (as a medical resident in a public hospital)

[Winter2028]

I am from a wealthy family (from overseas) and I moved to London when my parents paid for my university education in the uk. I married a brit and established my life in London with no help from my parents after university and as my DH is from a modest background, we bought a tiny 2 bed flat in zone 3 London for 400k when I was 26 and my DH was 29 (did live with Dh's mum and his 3 sisters in the London family home as we married young). We still live there and have a baby on the way (had many years of infertility). I am now 32 years old.

I have recently returned for my sister's wedding (she is 28). My parents took me to see her new condo, making a big show of the pool, home theatre, river, views (currently under renovation) and told me they want me to stay there with the new baby when I next visit (as they are downsizing their large home and would be renting). Basically they made this decision without consulting my sister's new husband. In all honestly I would rather stay in a hotel but this is to demonstrate how much control they have over the new property. Their faces are also recognised by the facial recognition app that the development uses and they are registered residents (and can park there). The groom's parents are not official residents.

Obviously the condo is v expensive the equivalent of 3.5 million quid. It is none of my business what my sister buys but my parents haven't admitted that there was any help and are in fact pretending that my sister bought it on her own as she is v successful. She is but she and her husband are 28 years old, and are in residency training at a public hospital in my home country. My best friend is also a doctor in the same country and she told me that there is no way they can get such a large mortgage. Maybe 1 million quid mortgage and plus you need a minimum 25% deposit..

I don't really care about the money as I never expected an inheritance from my parents but it irritates me they aren't even honest about what they are gifting. My grandparents did the same, overseas education for 2 of their kids and bought a house with my father but at least they were upfront about it but my parents are making out my sister is funding it from paye income. He also makes out that everyone of my sisters peers is earning 300k in investment banking and all my peers in my home country are earning 500k (in gbp). Presumably so I would think the 3.5 million quid house is funded from paye income.

Also when I suggested that we do another family photo shoot (my parents do them periodically), when my baby arrives (first grandchild), my mother said we need to wait until my sister has her first child. I also asked my mother if she would like to come to London to see her new grandchild (though explained as the flat is small I couldn't host but my parents can easily afford hotels), she said she was flexible but wouldn't it be better for me to take the baby here (14 hour flight) to show to the aunts. I take that as a subtle no.

On top of all this they are honestly quite mean to my husband, he paid for brunch yesterday and my mum said it was all my fault cos I didn't educate my husband on the etiquette ( the seniors pay and my husband is too much of an underclass person to pay)..the thing is my husband felt they were being controlling with money, disliked it and decided to pay. I broke down in tears (pregnancy hormones)and my mum just doubled down.

Honestly feeling a bit vulnerable and need a handheld.

I'm not sure what you are moaning about. They are obviously proud of your sister and from your example they haven't mistreated you. I would be glad that my sister is living with my parents in their old age and taking care of them.

Do posters type the above & similar to be contrary or is it a comprehension thing?

Bingo…your sister is a tax loophole. It is their home but in your sister’s name to avoid the stamp duty.

I would put money on them never finding quite the right rental.

And is unlikely to be for the 5 years it takes to complete their residency. OP’s own DC will be quite old for a first family photo.

What your parents do with their money is not your business.

See this all the time on MNs but it real life if parents give 1 dc 1million pounds but nothing to the others there does tend to be more than a fleeting thought given to it.

I'm not sure that fleeting thought is the right expression. Green eyed monsters and volcanic tantrums come to mind. But fleeting thought or not, it is still nobody elses business.

is still nobody elses business.

So what is your business in terms of your parents & siblings & your relationship with them?

my mum said it was all my fault cos I didn't educate my husband on the etiquette ( the seniors pay and my husband is too much of an underclass person to pay)
The correct response is that you have not educated her on your husbands culture and unless they behave themselves they will not be seeing you or their grandchildren in home country again. Never let anyone treat him badly.

You're the lucky one here OP. Your poor sister having to put up with all of that

That. You dodged a bullet, frankly.

They're controlling your sister and her husband to a terrifying level. You are well out of it.

Annoying though they are, your mantra should be 'thank goodness they live thousands of miles away'.

They set your up with an expensive education in the UK. That at least did you a favour, as it took you away from their sphere and you've managed to stay here. Consider that as their contribution to you, and don't expect anything else.

Your poor sister...

It sounds like they are punishing you for living abroad and marrying a Brit, and lavishing money on the daughter who stayed home (while keeping in control of the property). It's stupid that they are not being honest, but I would also be grateful that you are not enmeshed and can support yourself and have a baby on the way in the UK.

You want your parents to be honest that they bought it not your sister. Fair enough. But ask yourself, WHY that information is so important to you, why is it so important to you that they admit the ‘truth’

• is it because they gifted her something they would never gift you
• is it because this is their way of saying your sister and other peers who remained in your country have much higher earning potential than you who went to the UK? So actually you made the wrong decision…
• its part of your family’s culture to be secretive about finances and you want to break free of that?

You talked about love and honesty. Your parents could love you greatly and show that without revealing their personal financial information honestly. The two are not related. It might be helpful for your peace of mind to work out WHY not knowing this information is bothering you this much.

It's because they are making out (and have been for years) my peers are earning 500k. Now if that was the case for my sister then the condo is totally within reach with minimal parental intervention. When people say others are earning xxxx and you are earning so little it generally makes you feel bad. But now I realize perhaps it is a way of ensuring I don't find out about the help.

I actually think now they meant me to stay overseas though maybe not married to a brit..

It seems part of my family blueprint to send kids overseas and gift the large house to one child. That's what my grandparents did- send 2 kids to America , one stayed back in America and now lives in california with his wife (my dad says he is very poor but he does own a house in the silicon valley area), the other went with her high school sweetheart who later became v wealthy, they live a couple of streets from my parents. My dad got the chance to buy a house with my grandparents at 25 (he always makes out he did it on his own though and is the most intelligent and successful of his siblings). But the whole objective is to avoid resource dilution.

It is why in a country where 80% live in government housing, no one in my family has ever bought government housing for 3 generations, only private housing..extends to those of us who are overseas cos private homes are the default. This will be the case because I only have 2 other cousins on that side of the family, one is studying in the uk and is apparently intending to stay on and the other is sen (so will presumably inherit the house for obvious reasons as there is no disability benefit in my home country).

Dear me. New year, old Mumsnet vipers are out!

My mum is now saying she hopes my baby looks Chinese! And that she doesn't want a photoshoot until my sister has a baby cos young babies don't look good in formal photoshoots (we have it done in a studio where you have lots of people fussing over your clothes and poses and it costs hundreds) and babies can't smile on cue. My sister says she will have a baby in 10 years (not sure if she means it literally as many of my cousins often say that when they get married and they rarely keep to that time frame anyway aka have kids earlier). Good grief.

The mortgages are quite generous in my home country but you need a 25% deposit. They are training to be specialists and have been working for 4 years (graduated in 2020).. I think max mortgage is 55% of gross income.

The issue is the deposit. It would be fine if it's a 1 million quid flat but it's triple that!

Surely if you are on Mumsnet you’ve heard of ‘the golden child’ where parents favour one child over the others but can’t admit it.
your DSis is the golden child. Are you planning to move back there? If not just get on with your life and hope that at some point your DPs will favour you and your ‘lowly’ husband.Though it might never happen.

Take your own baby’s formal photos and send them to DM. I’d be surprised if she doesn’t soften her attitude when she sees the baby - does it need to be a boy to be favoured? You need to separate your family from what’s going on over there.

Life isn't fair but if parents do blatantly favour/help assist one child it is very reasonable to expect other children to be hurt/confused. Such treatment is at the root of so many family conflicts, hurt, tension and then parents act surprised that the kids they treat poorly distance themselves.
Is there even another baby? I got the impression sister wasn't actually pregnant yet.
They were extremely rude about OP's husband paying. The fact they used the term 'underclass' says a lot about them.

OP, as others have said, you are the 'one who got away.' Repeatedly telling you (inflated) stories about how much your peers are earning back home is designed to make you second-guess your choices.

Showing you round the condo is designed to rub things in your face further - like "look what you could have had if you'd returned here and not had my grandchild on the other side of the world."

It's all very crass and toxic, not to mention dishonest. When you realise your parents are dishonest it can be hard to accept.

It's as if they are saying, "look we still have one daughter under our control and we're going to make damn sure she (and potential grandchildren) stay where we want her."

It's obvious they have bought the condo, from what you say. I'm sorry for you that they are like this. But it would be worse, long-term, if you were still in their orbit.

It wouldn't surprise me if they are planning to move in to this condo - if not now, in the future.

Oh, and it seems they are also engaging in some very weird and petty form of cultural one-upmanship with your husband too.

The culture of who pays for food, I know this culture as I’m in it. You actually should have told him as it is massively disrespectful, you let him fail. Mine are from HK but it’s obvious you are from Singapore.

The money chat around your sister is irrelevant. She has also become a Doctor you know how much she will be favoured because of this. My brother was when my Dad was alive due to the respect the medical profession has.

You have annoyed them by marrying outside your race/culture because let’s be honest it’s not just white people who are racist. Just read the comment about how your baby will look. Next will be the name, good luck with that.

Look its not right but believe me when I write that being a mixed race couple will bring it’s difficulty. You really need to grow a thicker skin because not everyone is progressive. Relatives, friends, strangers.

People on here will not understand about the paying for the meal. It really is a huge thing in a Chinese culture and is seen as an insult regardless of what anyone on here thinks. Being respectful to elders is huge.

Your sister has been bought. Her price is that she will now have to kow tow to your parents in every single thing she does - they have the control. You know that you wouldn't want that, or want to have to live like that, so just nod and smile and live your life the way you want to, being grateful that you can.

You can only choose what you do and how you act. So what you control is your business. If the OP wants to cut contact, maintain contact, take money or not take money, that is her business. What her parents or sibling decide to do is not her business, nor anybody elses.

In the famous words of many MN posters "You do you..."

They used to complain my dh didn't pay for himself and is a freeloader. Tbh he can never win and neither can I.

I don't care about the favouritism (which has always been there, i used to think as a 7 year old it was just as well if i left the family and they would carry on happily which did eventially happen), what irks me is the dishonesty. My sister singlehandedly paid for all that and that is what they are making out. It is a repeat of the story that my dad bought a 4 bed house one month out of uni and his parents didn't help him at all when his father's name was on the house.

Your parents are being secretive and dishonest. Some parents treat their children very fairly and others don't and there may not be rhyme or reason to it. But in most if not all circumstances they will find a way to justify their decision in their own minds but can't say it out loud because it won't bare scrutiny. You could ask your parents if they helped but the House but what will that do and would they even answer honestly?
My guess is that your parents have bought the house for your sister but are justify it as an investment of some sorts. I have a friend who lives in a massive home that her parents bought on the basis that they would also live there in old age.

My sister said she is not having kids for 10 years. Tbh lots of people I know say that but somehow end up having kids earlier. My mum looked wistfully earlier at a family pic with 10 kids and asked me if it's a possibility she could have 10 grandkids. I wonder if I had 10 kids we would all be waiting for my sister to have her first before we take the family photo lol.