To think it’s time to leave. (Well make DP leave)

[LeopardPrintIsNeutral]

Posting for traffic. As I’m in turmoil.

Long story short. I think it’s game over

together ten years (since I was twenty). One DC aged 4. Ddog
Mortgage (tenants in common) (he contributed 10% of our deposit and none of the mortgage. I paid 90% of the deposit and all mortgage)

problems.
he’s a bit of a cocklodger. Barely works. Doesn’t ever bring in a reliable income.
he doesn’t like the things I like. For example having a glass of wine once or twice a month. I am not allowed alcohol in the house. He does not have a drink problem, he just thinks only alcoholics drink at home and he thinks it is a bad example for DD.
he doesn’t like peircings or tattoos whereas I do. He made me remove my septum piercing and gets very angry when I talk about wanting to get a tattoo. Not a spur of the moment thing, something I’ve wanted for years.
he spends all his time on video games won’t help out with DD and do school runs when I’m at work. He wants me to throw out all my clothes as I’ve got too many (two drawers in a four drawer chest and half a rail in a normal wardrobe

he doesn’t want to get married or want anymore children which is very important to me.

he never wants to hang out or join us in doing anything. Won’t come to events with DDs friends where other dads are. Won’t come to the park farm etc, has never taken DD out on his own. Shameful

I wonder if it is time to call it A day. I am only 30 and he is 45 in March. So I think I have been conditioned to live his life. Prior to this I was groomed from the age of 14-19 so I wasn’t in a great place to understand healthy relationships.
i just think I am still young. I could have the life I want with DD.

I am scared to be a single mum. And I still love him deeply. But this just isn’t right is it. We are not compatible
I need to hear it from someone else.

sorry for the waffle. Please tread lightly.

thanks in advance

Booting him out might be the push he needs to stop being a failed human being.

See it as you doing him a favour. He almost certainly won't want to see DD any way but do not allow him to see her at your house under and circumstances as this is just, yet again, the lazy option on his part.

From my experience, bone idle people don't change but you have to ringfence your life and if he doesn't see her, he doesn't see her. He doesn't do much with her now anyway.

Thank good news you’re not married. See a solicitor first to plan his departure to minimise financial loss to you

So lets turn this around to be a stay at home mum who doesn’t have money to pay the mortgage, there name is still on there 50:50 yet the partner pays every payment. 🤔 So are they not entitled to 50:50 when they split up either? Your giving bad advice and getting ops hopes up. Op needs proper legal/financial advice not mumsnet

Sell one of the cars, you don’t need two. Presuming they’re both in your name? What if he refuses to sell up? How will you get rid of him? Please speak to a solicitor asap. How dare he tell you what to do when he does fuck all? Cut off any financial help you give him, which must be loads! Separate your finances today, new bank accounts if necessary, get your salary paid into the new one. He sounds like an idiot.

He is likely to say a lot of things to make you pity him and to hurt you. Remember he’s an adult and his own responsibility and get him out as soon as you possibly can.

Your free life awaits you!

Well done you! He sounds absolutely dreadful, just surprised you’ve put up with it for as long as you have TBH!

And so far as your DD is concerned nothing is a worse example than a controlling manipulative lazy man who thinks he is god of the house despite not bringing any money in. And if he doesn’t have somewhere to live then maybe he’ll have to get a job and rent somewhere like, you know, 90% of other healthy people of working age…

I think you're not compatible however you'll need to make him an offer based on any inflationary rise in equity. Seek legal advice and mediate.
Do not listen to the mumsnetters advising fraud.

Definitely sell one of the cars if you don't need it.
With his fair share of the equity of the house he can rent somewhere & then get housing benefit etc.
He'll likely find himself another woman to house him.

If they’re not married, no. Who’s going to enforce 50/50 if there’s no legal process to determine it?

He can get a job and provide his own lodging like other 45 year olds. He is also not entitled to 1 of your vehicles.

Whether they are married or not, if he took on a mortgage with her and they are both (im assuming) named as tenants in common, they both are liable for repayment, yes? Nothing was ringfenced im assuming re deposits. Which means when it comes to selling, the house is sold and profit split 50:50. How difficult is it for you to understand this? Do not advise op that “its fine, just offer him £10k and he will walk away”. He needs his name removing from the mortgage for a start or he can still claim years later! Whether hes paid or not, how do you prove that without years of legalities. Op needs a mortgage advisor and solicitor. Needs to be done properly so theres no future claim staked. Come on hes 40+ years old, he aint gonna just walk away when theres more for him to take! Im on ops side btw, i just want her to go into this with eyes wide open!!!

The ownership of the property is the legal deed with percentages already sorted in the case of tenants in common who are unmarried. The courts can enforce the ownership of the property and a sale can be forced, the legal process that determines ownership and percentages is made at the start when a property is purchased as tenants in common. Since OP hasn't mentioned in any way defining the shares at time of purchase I expect they didn't specify and that defaults to 50/50. Contributions only matter if they were listed as being determitive of ownership share, the same with deposits. The law defines these things, what we think the OP deserves and what we think is fair doesn't change that.

@LeopardPrintIsNeutral did you seek help yet and is he on his way out?

Hi everyone- I sought legal advice. But have had some pretty cataclysmic news from my dickhead dad this month, and Dp has come into his own. Cooking cleaning etc etc

Sorry OP, I don't care how much cooking and cleaning he's done, he can't do ANYTHING now, that would make me think your relationship with him is worth saving. Has what your Dad has done made any difference as to why you should stick with this cocklodger who has groomed you into being a shadow of yourself? PLEASE, PLEASE, don't waste any more of your life on this man. At 30, you have so much life ahead of you. I left my first husband at 32, I'm now mid 60's, and have been VERY happily married to my DH for 26 years. We were even together for for several years before we married. We have had a wonderful life together, during this time. You can do this too, so please don't let whatever your Dad has done, hold things up, or think the cocklodger is worth hanging on to. HE ISN'T!!

Is he earning?
Is he still playing computer games?
Are you allowed a drink in your own home?

come into his own? By doing basic essential for life tasks? Are you kidding?

What is the tenants in common split on the property?

Nothing has really changed though has it ?
I wouldn't be surprised if he goes back to normal after the crisis is over.
Plus the fact that he knows you want to end it and is earning brownie points with you.
Please think about and put yourself first.
Good luck.

He's finally helping out after years of doing nothing.
Strangely This has co-incided with him realising he's on the point of being chucked out.
Suddenly he's parent of the year. What are the odds.

Don't forget how you summed up your life with him and his efforts as a father, infact, print it out and stick this on your fridge or somewhere you can see it every day

"He never wants to hang out or join us in doing anything. Won’t come to events with DDs friends where other dads are. Won’t come to the park farm etc, has never taken DD out on his own. Shameful"

But all of a sudden, in his eyes he's a devoted father?

Whatever is going on with your "dickhead" dad, you still have to live your life, even if you may have to postpone your own aims temporarily. If its medically serious, it's understandable you want to help, but if its just general uselessness and he's able to help himself, you don't have to sacrifice your own and more importantly DD's life, to pick up the pieces.

30 is so young, you have so much of your life ahead of you, and both you and DD deserve some joy. The time you have with them when they are little is so short. Yet he's seemingly just not that bothered about either of you.

.. At 45 your DP he's had things his own way for a decade. Its unlikely he will change his ways now.. although miracles have been known to happen,. Maybe he could move in with your dad.

What would happen when DD grows up and leaves home and there's just the two of you? Living off the pension you built on your own?