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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s time to leave. (Well make DP leave)

145 replies

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:02

Posting for traffic. As I’m in turmoil.

Long story short. I think it’s game over

together ten years (since I was twenty). One DC aged 4. Ddog
Mortgage (tenants in common) (he contributed 10% of our deposit and none of the mortgage. I paid 90% of the deposit and all mortgage)

problems.
he’s a bit of a cocklodger. Barely works. Doesn’t ever bring in a reliable income.
he doesn’t like the things I like. For example having a glass of wine once or twice a month. I am not allowed alcohol in the house. He does not have a drink problem, he just thinks only alcoholics drink at home and he thinks it is a bad example for DD.
he doesn’t like peircings or tattoos whereas I do. He made me remove my septum piercing and gets very angry when I talk about wanting to get a tattoo. Not a spur of the moment thing, something I’ve wanted for years.
he spends all his time on video games won’t help out with DD and do school runs when I’m at work. He wants me to throw out all my clothes as I’ve got too many (two drawers in a four drawer chest and half a rail in a normal wardrobe

he doesn’t want to get married or want anymore children which is very important to me.

he never wants to hang out or join us in doing anything. Won’t come to events with DDs friends where other dads are. Won’t come to the park farm etc, has never taken DD out on his own. Shameful

I wonder if it is time to call it A day. I am only 30 and he is 45 in March. So I think I have been conditioned to live his life. Prior to this I was groomed from the age of 14-19 so I wasn’t in a great place to understand healthy relationships.
i just think I am still young. I could have the life I want with DD.

I am scared to be a single mum. And I still love him deeply. But this just isn’t right is it. We are not compatible
I need to hear it from someone else.

sorry for the waffle. Please tread lightly.

thanks in advance

OP posts:
GreyAreas · 31/12/2024 22:26

Just remember you are not responsible for his welfare or decisions, he can find his way. You need to do this.

Brats4kid · 31/12/2024 22:27

You know what you need to do…

pikkumyy77 · 31/12/2024 22:28

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:44

Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate it so much. I am worried as he has absolutely nowhere to go. I own two cars, so he says he will sleep in one of those. Which is fine. But then it starts. If he lives in a car he won’t get to have DD. His life will be shit and not worth living. And so it goes on. It makes me wobble. But you’re all so right and it really is time to put DD and I first

He can earn a living? Thats what adults do. So he can go out and get a job so he can host his own child. You are not responsible for wiping his ass either.

Original poster
LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 22:30

Thank you so much everyone I’ve emailed a really good local family law solicitor to double check where I stand. Just got to have the gumption to follow through. Started by going for a roast at my parents tomorrow with DD, and deciding I’ll be having a small glass of wine with my tea!

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 31/12/2024 22:32

Who cares where he goes?? He's 45. He's had 15 more years on the planet than you have. He's old enough to stand on his own feet, get a job and support himself instead of him leeching off you.

Sending you strength. You can do this!

pinkfondu · 31/12/2024 22:35

Don't look back. He is an adult do not give in to emotional blackmail. He is not your responsibility.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 31/12/2024 22:35

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:15

Thank you all. I needed to hear this. I can definitely buy him out. I’ve got a reasonable job and his share was so minimal I could probably do it in cash without remortgaging or anything. So that’s one less stress.

Were your shares actually defined? If not as tenants in common I think the legal default is 50/50 ownership, so he'd own 50% of the existing equity. I hope you've defined the shares. As it's his property as well while you can ask him to move out he doesn't have to. In response to him saying he'll live in a car and him trying to make you feel guilty he's a healthy adult he can work and while he's looking for work/more work he can claim UC as a job seeker. It will take a bit of time to sort the house buyout so during that time he should be looking for work. I'd be making that clear to him. Worst case scenario does he have any family or a friend who's couch he can crash on? It's his responsibility as a parent to work and sort his finances so he can rent an appropriate place where he can have DD to stay. If the buyout from the house will provide enough for a rental deposit and rent for a couple months then he's sorted with that while he looks for enough work to pay for himself as any adult, who's not a carer/sick/disabled, should.

Beccy1990 · 31/12/2024 22:36

You need to leave. Enjoy your life free from him. Take some time to find yourself before looking for someone new.

I’d speak to a solicitor though as if your tenants in common he might be entitled to half the house. Make sure you’ve got all your paperwork showing exactly what you have paid and what he has paid and get legal advice.

healthybychristmas · 31/12/2024 22:38

You should be scared of staying with auseless twat like this, not leaving him! Read your post again and again and look at it from our point of view. You are worth a million of this man. You deserve so much better than him. Make 2025 the best year of your life and leave him.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 31/12/2024 22:38

A grown man having a relationship with a young woman only just out of her teens in grim - and he obviously hasn't got any better!

Endofyear · 31/12/2024 22:39

You're practically a single mum already and you say you love him deeply but what exactly do you love about him? He doesn't provide for his family or take part in normal family life. He's selfish and thinks he can dictate to you about tattoos, piercings and drinking alcohol! I really don't understand why you have gone along with this for so long. Get rid and find someone who treats you better than this!

Hwi · 31/12/2024 22:39

You are scared to be a single mum? Now you are a single mum of 2!!! You will be a single mum of only one!!!

Joelle84 · 31/12/2024 22:40

Sounds like youre not compatible long term. You cant just chuck him out. Hes on the mortgage and has a right to be there. Id suggest having a conversation with a mortgage advisor to see if you can take over the mortgage on your own, buy him out. You need to take his name off. If you didnt ringfence any deposit etc they will view it as 50:50

CautiousLurker01 · 31/12/2024 22:44

Maurora · 31/12/2024 22:25

You already pay 90% of everything so the house is yours... He's not going to get his 10% deposit back if you've been paying all the repayments on your own.

It sounds like you're already living a life on your own

2025 New Year - New You x

Not quite - his deposit represents a share of the equity: for example if they put a total deposit of say £100,000 on a £300,000 house and she has paid all the mortgage payments and the mortgage is in her name, then DP owns 10/300 (ie 1/30th). If the house is now worth, say 400,000 he would be entitled to 1/30th of that amount (£13,333).

I think, though, that if the mortgage is in joint names, even if she has made all the payments, then in fact he is entitled in law a 50% share in the increased value - ie £10k plus £50k for the increased value.

OP needs to check with a solicitor or citizens’ advice to check her position and see whether she can negotiate a settlement with DP that reflects the fact he paid nothing personally towards the mortgage instalments.

Eg. It might be, following the example above, that he could get:
£10k + £50k - 50% of the total mortgage payments she has made.

Ie she could require repayment for the mortgage payments he was liable for? If she’s paid £2000pcm for 4 years, then this could be as much as £48k back [ 4 x 12 x (£2000 / 2) ]

The net result, depending on how much her mortgage was, whether he is named on the mortgage (hopefully not) and how much the property has increased in value, could result in him getting nothing but his deposit back BUT there are variables OP needs to check with someone.

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 31/12/2024 22:45

I thought your DP was going to be a 30 yr old that hadn't grown up.
45 !!! Send gamer Manny back to mummy's he's never going to change.

DorothyStorm · 31/12/2024 22:46

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:44

Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate it so much. I am worried as he has absolutely nowhere to go. I own two cars, so he says he will sleep in one of those. Which is fine. But then it starts. If he lives in a car he won’t get to have DD. His life will be shit and not worth living. And so it goes on. It makes me wobble. But you’re all so right and it really is time to put DD and I first

I wouldn't want this toxic piece of shit having her anyway.

Ihavenoclu · 31/12/2024 22:46

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 21:02

Posting for traffic. As I’m in turmoil.

Long story short. I think it’s game over

together ten years (since I was twenty). One DC aged 4. Ddog
Mortgage (tenants in common) (he contributed 10% of our deposit and none of the mortgage. I paid 90% of the deposit and all mortgage)

problems.
he’s a bit of a cocklodger. Barely works. Doesn’t ever bring in a reliable income.
he doesn’t like the things I like. For example having a glass of wine once or twice a month. I am not allowed alcohol in the house. He does not have a drink problem, he just thinks only alcoholics drink at home and he thinks it is a bad example for DD.
he doesn’t like peircings or tattoos whereas I do. He made me remove my septum piercing and gets very angry when I talk about wanting to get a tattoo. Not a spur of the moment thing, something I’ve wanted for years.
he spends all his time on video games won’t help out with DD and do school runs when I’m at work. He wants me to throw out all my clothes as I’ve got too many (two drawers in a four drawer chest and half a rail in a normal wardrobe

he doesn’t want to get married or want anymore children which is very important to me.

he never wants to hang out or join us in doing anything. Won’t come to events with DDs friends where other dads are. Won’t come to the park farm etc, has never taken DD out on his own. Shameful

I wonder if it is time to call it A day. I am only 30 and he is 45 in March. So I think I have been conditioned to live his life. Prior to this I was groomed from the age of 14-19 so I wasn’t in a great place to understand healthy relationships.
i just think I am still young. I could have the life I want with DD.

I am scared to be a single mum. And I still love him deeply. But this just isn’t right is it. We are not compatible
I need to hear it from someone else.

sorry for the waffle. Please tread lightly.

thanks in advance

Darling this is no way to live. You are so young. Your whole life ahead of you. Please tell him to leave

BIossomtoes · 31/12/2024 22:46

Joelle84 · 31/12/2024 22:40

Sounds like youre not compatible long term. You cant just chuck him out. Hes on the mortgage and has a right to be there. Id suggest having a conversation with a mortgage advisor to see if you can take over the mortgage on your own, buy him out. You need to take his name off. If you didnt ringfence any deposit etc they will view it as 50:50

Of course she can chuck him out. She’s already paying the whole mortgage and has the cash to buy him out of his meagre share. Fortunately they’re not married so there’s no 50/50 and no “they” to decide or view anything.

Switcher · 31/12/2024 22:48

Dump him tomorrow....

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 31/12/2024 22:49

He's not going to live in a car that's just to make you feel bad .
He doesn't want his cushy little arrangement to end.

ilovesushi · 31/12/2024 22:49

No need to be scared about calling time on this relationship. You are a young competent and capable woman. You don't need to be dragged down in this way. He is setting a shit example for your DD. You are already doing everything and paying for everything. He is bringing nothing good to this set up. Get rid. x

YouShouldBeDancingYeah · 31/12/2024 22:50

LeopardPrintIsNeutral · 31/12/2024 22:30

Thank you so much everyone I’ve emailed a really good local family law solicitor to double check where I stand. Just got to have the gumption to follow through. Started by going for a roast at my parents tomorrow with DD, and deciding I’ll be having a small glass of wine with my tea!

You sound like an amazing young woman. You’ve got your entire life ahead of you, this time next year you’ll be thankful you did this. Happy New Year!

Joelle84 · 31/12/2024 22:50

BIossomtoes · 31/12/2024 22:46

Of course she can chuck him out. She’s already paying the whole mortgage and has the cash to buy him out of his meagre share. Fortunately they’re not married so there’s no 50/50 and no “they” to decide or view anything.

Show quote history

Whether shes paying the whole mortgage or not, if his name is on there then he has the right to expect 50:50 from house sale???

Franjipanl8r · 31/12/2024 22:55

The shit ones always spend hours gaming or playing golf. Get him in the bin.

Neveranynamesleft · 31/12/2024 22:58

You are not compatible.
There you go, you've heard it from someone else. Now do yourself and everyone else involved in this situation (I can't use the word relationship because it isn't one) a massive favour and sort it...