To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

Yes exactly. He could have been an arrogant twat who only bothered speaking to women who he thought looked like potential trophy wives. The OP could have been in comedy dungarees with mad hair and ugly glasses and he could have looked her up and down and thought 'Nah. Can't be bothered to be nice. Waste of my time.'

Some people are so shallow and up themselves that even while they are air kissing you and doing the 'hello darling!' thing they are already looking over your shoulder to see if there is someone more useful and impressive to talk to.

Also asking what someone does for work can lead to very awkward situations. They may be out of work due to illness/disability or between jobs or even a stay at home parent and they may feel embarrassed when asked what they do. Like they're nothing in the grand scheme of things unless they have a job.

Going by your OP and your replies to other users, I wouldn't particularly want to get to know you tbf.

Don’t worry. Tap water is fine in a restaurant.

I don't think the OP thought her questions were fascinating, just trying to get a conversation going so they could move onto other things.

Incidentally, I'd love it if someone just started telling me about their hobby or asked me what book I was reading at a party like this. But I get that usually you have to kick off with the less interesting stuff.

With respect, you are taking this thread much too personally.

I am not talking about masking. It is perfectly possible for those who are ND to engage in normal social pleasantries without being rude.

I personally wouldn’t have bothered with him after the first or second short answer, I would have moved onto someone else

This thread is horrible.

When I turned 40, I had a little gathering of people. One of my closest friends was going through a very rough patch at the time (was under the Home Treatment team). When she is poorly, she struggles to interact and talk with people. She made it to my birthday (she brought her mum - mum is her carer). She wished me happy birthday, and those were the only words that came out of her mouth.
I was just so happy that she was there at all.

Some people (myself included) like to be on the of the periphery of social things. I love to watch other people, but I struggle to engage with them. I still like to be invited (and I do go).

I've already said that I have lots of very introverted friends.
Introverted people have friends.
Autistic people have friends.
Anxious people have friends.
Sadly there are some who don't have anyone at all..
But it's not necessarily the case that struggling socially means you won't have any friends
And the context and situations matter too..
Meeting people for the first time can be very hard. But if you are in a situation where you see someone regularly then a bond can gradually build.. maybe at work or through a hobby. Lots of people who struggle socially just need extra time. You aren't going to be straight in there with them the first time you meet. Talking to people at events is not going to be a situation they thrive in.
In a big group in a loud place is not going to be where you bond with someone like that.
My DH for example. Very quiet. Likes parties though and likes being around people. And over time has gained lots of friends because if you actually stray onto a topic of comversation he's particularly interested in or confidently knowledgeable about then he will suddenly become animated and engaged and talk at great length. He's very funny.
But he will just sit in silence if not. Having known him 20 years I know this is a mixture of shyness and not wanting to say things he's unsure of. And just of being genuinely nonplussed by small talk.
People who've known him a long time understand him.
And there are also plenty of patient non judgemental NT people or extroverts or social butterflies wo don't care if you don't say much the first time you meet.. they'll just carry on being warm and friendly until the bond is formed.

This really made me laugh. Somewhere, in a CIA training room, they’re really struggling with how to bring on board new assets in this changed social climate:

‘The problem, Anna, is that you asked him his name. You know that you should lead with an open question regarding his participation in extreme sports - but only based on a full review of his initial body language.’

My autistic son would have a lot of trouble with this.

I hadn't realised as I guess we normalise things with our own kids, but his assessment showed that he wasn't able to respond normally to conversational "pushes". E.g. where one would normally respond with "and how about you?" or some kind of question. He only really managed about once, when it tied in with something he was interested in. He's actually pretty good at masking it by giving polite replies, with a bit of detail. But a lot of people here would probably class him as rude, as he wouldn't find it natural at all to quiz you back.

As someone with ADHD I'd probably be trying to suppress my tendency to babble and over share, so I'd probably sound pretty awkward as well. Or I'd blether away and then panic. 😳

None of that detail is there though. In fact the op says he was just sat alone looking miserable. It doesn't say he was chatting up other people. And nothing he said indicates he was arrogant. He's factually answered a list of questions.
This is why a lot of people have thought 'autistic' rather than stuck up.

“I am not talking about masking. It is perfectly possible for those who are ND to engage in normal social pleasantries without being rude.”

well you’ve just revealed the gaps in your knowledge about different people to yourself in one post.

yes some people who are ND can engage etc etc, but not all can and not all the time - to do so would 100% involve heavy amounts of masking.

Great. Thanks.

Nothing she said indicated that he was autistic, highly socially anxious or ND either, but that hasn't stopped her being accused of ableism.

Soooo... You would have done exactly what I did then ...

It is making me laugh that there are all these comments about what appropriate small talk is, but we’re perfectly capable of bickering at each other about it for over 700 comments!

So…. what are your names and what do you all do for a living? 😂

Can I just say thank you.
My best friend (OMG shock horror autistic, non-social person not only has a friend but has a best friend which means she's got more than one 🤣 ) took 4 years to get to know me, taking it slowly, slowly until she found something that we both enjoy (running).

And those asking how I make friends, yes it's slowly. Joint interests, a lot of my friends also run or go to the gym or exercise classes.

Wow, you'd struggle with being kidnapped by some military rebels ha ha if you think asking someone their name at a party is interrogation 😁 😁 😁

jeeez... enough with the interrogation...

@fanaticalfairy I feel this so stongly.

Please come and find me at the next social event; I promise I'll answer in full sentences and ask you questions in return. In the old days, we used to call this phenomenon 'Having A Conversation".

I am glad your friends are so supportive of you. But I don't think the post you've quoted is ableist and I have seen nothing to indicate the OP is either.

My DS has faced ableism all the time, much of it though is due to actual physical barriers to prevent him engaging with life. There are many many many things he can't do because he can't access them at all. Just a couple of days ago he couldn't get to a restaurant toilet due to lack of access (out of order lift used for storage) and he wet himself as a result. Tried to get him on a bus so I could get him home and change him; baby buggy in the wheelchair space so couldn't get on, had to walk home instead.

Even if DS had been invited to a party like this, if it was at a venue with stairs and no lift he would not have been there as he would not be able to go. So before you talk about ableism, please be careful and show the evidence as I am not seeing it.

I can't see that anyone is being 'banned' from accessing social events, only that they need to make their own choices about the ones they feel comfortable attending. If you want to go, then go and accept - and try to shrug off - the risk that some may unfairly judge you as rude. Just like I did when some people gave us filthy looks at the restaurant the other day.

Lots of assumptions being made on here: that OP is so utterly self confident and socially adept that she was not at all upset by someone being rude with her - and of course can take any amount of goading and insults on here in her stride. That 'John' was not in fact rude but had social anxiety, despite zero evidence either way.

Finally, people who are triggered by 'fuck off' on a post probably shouldn't be on MN as it is riddled with swear words.

… but you eat the food. I meant tap water as your whole meal.

Don't take it personally, this is the internet and kindness is only ever expected to go one way. And if you read threads on Mumsnet that involve dealing with other people, it's clear that a lot of online people really just don't like other humans and would prefer to never interact with them. And they're busily posting away on the internet.

I hope your friend is better now.

I had a vaguely similar experience at my hen weekend; one of my friends was cheated on by her then-fiancé recently. She was devastated but still wanted to come along for the weekend, even though it would have been totally understandable to have cancelled. With her agreement I informed the other attendees that X was having some personal difficulties, so that they knew not to worry if she wanted some time to herself or was a bit quiet. This seemed to work quite well as it meant my friend could engage with aspects of the weekend that were a great distraction for her, and my other friends were respectful of avoiding certain conversation topics (such as asking her about relationships) and understanding of her needing space at times. If my friends hadn’t have known the circumstances, they may have thought she was being aloof or awkward, which would have impacted the overall social dynamic.

People are not mind readers and will assume that others who willingly attend a social event will want to engage with other attendees, particularly as they have a mutual friend in common.