Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

1000 replies

fanaticalfairy · 31/12/2024 16:06

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

OP posts:
LaughingCat · 31/12/2024 21:09

BlueSky2023 · 31/12/2024 21:02

That’s fine if you don’t want to engage in conversation but do you also want to find yourself standing alone like a wall flower because that’s what will happen if you don’t make an effort, I have no intention of keeping someone company who is rude enough not to engage, I will walk away from them and so will most other people

Show quote history

Brilliant, that’s exactly what some people want. To sit and soak up the atmosphere. You see it as some sort of dire prediction of misery…whereas they would find that same situation perfectly suited to them. Why get so aggy about someone who just wants to chill?

arcticpandas · 31/12/2024 21:11

@fanaticalfairy Sounds like you were talking to my 14-year old (autistic) son. He would answer your questions a bit reluctantly (being afraid of not giving the correct answers) but he wouldn't know how to socially interact and ask you questions. Whereas my 11 year old son would naturally smile and ask you questions. Just to point out that people are very different indeed but I don't see you doing anything wrong OP. You were being social and inclusive instead of just ignoring someone you didn't know so go ahead and continue but don't take it personally when people are socially awkward (and not necessarily rude).

Thatcastlethere · 31/12/2024 21:11

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 31/12/2024 20:40

Because it's frustrating when people put themselves into social situations and then make no effort, which leads to other people making all the effort and doing all the work, and getting nothing back and then feeling awkward when some silent miserable person sits there all night for no apparent reason because they clearly have no interest in being around anyone even though they deliberately plonked themselves down at a table of strangers.

I simply don't believe that people can not see that this is both irritating and does nothing for the party atmosphere.

Show quote history

"Does nothing for the party atmosphere"
Wtf.. it's not his job to build a party atmosphere for you. It's not even the ops party! He was invited to the party by the host. If the host wanted him there that's up to him.
Who tf thinks they have a right to decide who attends someone elses birthday party and best creates the party atmosphere.
It's not work. It's someone's birthday. Perhaps they value this person despite his social shortcomings. Who knows. It's not your call. He's not the party planner he's an invited guest of the hosts. He's not someone running an event you paid to attend. Who gets frustrated at someone else's party guest for not being fun enough?? So odd.

wizzywig · 31/12/2024 21:13

Op I was trying and failing to be funny!!! I don't think you did anything wrong. Can't believe there are people here that attend birthday parties and only talk to the birthday boy/ girl and who get all outraged with a 'so what do you do for work' question

Totallymessed · 31/12/2024 21:13

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 31/12/2024 20:18

Noone is ever a boring miserable twat any more.

Everyone has social issues or neurodiversity, or their goldfish just died yada yada yada

Is it possible that some people are just boring miserable twats who should just stay at home until they learn some social skills instead of voluntarily putting themselves into situations where people doing the very thing the event was for (socialising) are made to feel awkward due to their complete lack of effort?

Bet he's the type of person who turns up to a wedding in jeans and a t-shirt and that he probably spent half the evening staring into his phone.

Quite a lot of people on the thread seem to think their mere presence at an event is a sufficient gift, and expecting them to actually interact with the other guests is a vile imposition.

Of course, they're making the other people there feel crap and uncomfortable, some of whom will also be autistic or have social anxiety, but they apparently don't care about other people's feelings

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 31/12/2024 21:14

BlueSky2023 · 31/12/2024 20:57

I agree, I was at a party recently where someone behaved like that ( monosyllabic answers) and I have vowed to walk away from those type of people in the future, if people can’t make basic polite conversation they will find themselves standing alone like wall flowers in the corner and if they want people to converse with them they need to make a bloody effort like everyone else.

I’m not even a very chatty person but I make an effort, people who can’t be bothered I’m not going to bother with

Show quote history

Many of these people will then go home and rant on Facebook about how they don't have any friends and never get invited anywhere.

I know someone like that. I tried with her for YEARS, mainly because I felt sorry for her after seeing her crying on Facebook about how she doesn't have anyone and she's so alone but I get ZERO conversation from her and then she goes home and moans on SM again like it's everyone else's fault.

BlueSky2023 · 31/12/2024 21:14

Thatcastlethere · 31/12/2024 21:06

You say that like it's a type of punishment?
I don't get the anger about this. You are and always have been completely allowed to decide to not continue a conversation with someone if you are not enjoying it.
Just as people are allowed to not keep a conversation going if they don't want to chat.

Show quote history

Not angry at all just not going to bother with people who can’t / don’t want to make an effort at a social event, any monosyllabic answers and I will make my excuses and walk away

Livingtothefull · 31/12/2024 21:15

I do understand that many people suffer from social anxiety and ND conditions which may make social interactions difficult and even impossible at times. I should understand: I was one of them, and still am to an extent. I have had many awkward interactions and probably have unwittingly come across as rude sometimes.

What never occurred to me was that this was anyone else's responsibility to resolve; it was & is mine, and only mine. Not my fault, but my responsibility. And gradually through practice and putting myself out there, things have got much better.

I also have a DC with severe learning difficulties and other disabilities involving a wheelchair. He has a mental age of around 5. But I still try to teach him appropriate social interaction as far as it is possible.

I think many people who have struggled in social situations have encountered a lack of understanding from some people who are socially adept and find it hard to relate to those with social anxiety, and make wrong assumptions (I know I have) - so can see what may be triggering from some people on here. I think more understanding & empathy all round is key.

What I am very uneasy about is the amount of goading aggression on here being directed at the OP, followed by insults when she reacts to these - such as 'unpleasant' and 'rude'. And 'ablist' ????? It is really important to be sure of your evidence before making an accusation like that.

firef1y · 31/12/2024 21:15

Totallymessed · 31/12/2024 21:13

Quite a lot of people on the thread seem to think their mere presence at an event is a sufficient gift, and expecting them to actually interact with the other guests is a vile imposition.

Of course, they're making the other people there feel crap and uncomfortable, some of whom will also be autistic or have social anxiety, but they apparently don't care about other people's feelings

Show quote history

So many of us have tried to explain why we wouldn't be talking to strangers at an event. It's nothing to do with being rude, some people have an actual, genuine, lifelong condition.

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 31/12/2024 21:15

Totallymessed · 31/12/2024 21:13

Quite a lot of people on the thread seem to think their mere presence at an event is a sufficient gift, and expecting them to actually interact with the other guests is a vile imposition.

Of course, they're making the other people there feel crap and uncomfortable, some of whom will also be autistic or have social anxiety, but they apparently don't care about other people's feelings

Show quote history

Exactly, and the conversation starters are the ones being told they are the narcissistic ones.

TooMuchDontCare · 31/12/2024 21:15

So many people are Such. Hard. Work!
OP I'd be delighted to meet you at the party.

Pp are failing to grasp that if john had responded beyond a monosyllabic answer to any of op's questions she wouldn't have tried other ways to engage him.

I despair that there are SO many people so lacking in social skills & I'm very thankful that my social circle is not like that.

When we organise or attend social events it is very often with the express intention of bringing together various friends & acquaintances so they can meet & get to know each other

I'm honestly finding it very odd that there are people who would go to graham's party & not think that the polite thing to do is to engage with graham's other guests.& that there is already a connecting starting point- you both know graham! It's not like rocking up to someone in the supermarket & striking up conversation!

Plastictrees · 31/12/2024 21:17

Livingtothefull · 31/12/2024 21:15

I do understand that many people suffer from social anxiety and ND conditions which may make social interactions difficult and even impossible at times. I should understand: I was one of them, and still am to an extent. I have had many awkward interactions and probably have unwittingly come across as rude sometimes.

What never occurred to me was that this was anyone else's responsibility to resolve; it was & is mine, and only mine. Not my fault, but my responsibility. And gradually through practice and putting myself out there, things have got much better.

I also have a DC with severe learning difficulties and other disabilities involving a wheelchair. He has a mental age of around 5. But I still try to teach him appropriate social interaction as far as it is possible.

I think many people who have struggled in social situations have encountered a lack of understanding from some people who are socially adept and find it hard to relate to those with social anxiety, and make wrong assumptions (I know I have) - so can see what may be triggering from some people on here. I think more understanding & empathy all round is key.

What I am very uneasy about is the amount of goading aggression on here being directed at the OP, followed by insults when she reacts to these - such as 'unpleasant' and 'rude'. And 'ablist' ????? It is really important to be sure of your evidence before making an accusation like that.

I completely agree.

I think some posters are projecting their own difficult social experiences onto the OP.

phoenixrosehere · 31/12/2024 21:20

BlueSky2023 · 31/12/2024 21:14

Not angry at all just not going to bother with people who can’t / don’t want to make an effort at a social event, any monosyllabic answers and I will make my excuses and walk away

Show quote history

I’d do the same, but I wouldn’t be so upset and annoyed to make a whole post about it if I otherwise had a good time and talked to people who did want to talk.

Thatcastlethere · 31/12/2024 21:20

Totallymessed · 31/12/2024 21:13

Quite a lot of people on the thread seem to think their mere presence at an event is a sufficient gift, and expecting them to actually interact with the other guests is a vile imposition.

Of course, they're making the other people there feel crap and uncomfortable, some of whom will also be autistic or have social anxiety, but they apparently don't care about other people's feelings

Show quote history

The mere presence of people i care about at my birthday party would be a sufficient gift.
I don't expect people to perform like dancing monkeys to entertain each other or me. I am happy to see people. I would never in a million years think 'oh john didn't say much... didn't add to the party atmosphere, what a cunt' id just be happy to see my mate. Happy he made an effort to be there.
But then I am autistic and so are the majority of my friends.
Clearly there's something I'm missing here but I thought birthday parties were for the person having the birthday to see lots of people they care about. I didn't realise they wee supposed to be some sort of networking event that everyone attending felt entitled to something out of.

TwistedWonder · 31/12/2024 21:21

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 31/12/2024 21:05

I have no issues with being on my own. I like my own company. Many people do.

I have friends who I have no other mutual friends with. I'll go to their important events, and I'll be polite but if I come away still having no mutual friends with them, I'm ok with that.

I like quality in my social group, quantity isn't required. As long as people accept me for me, I'll accept them for them.

Show quote history

I’m the same. I’ve been invited to birthdays etc where I may only know a couple of people so they’re the ones I’ll converse with. I’ll be polite when I need to be but I’m really not there to make small talk with people I don’t know.

And I’m not miserable and friendless. I have a great friendship group and socialise with them all the time but if we’re out somewhere I’m only really concerned with the people I’m with. I won’t be making conversation with randoms who happen to be there. And I’m absolutely comfortable with that. I’m nearly 60 and that’s who I am, I’m not going to change now.

And just because I’m not interested in smell talk with strangers really doesn’t mean I should stay at home staring at the walls - sone people are happy to people watch without the need to say very much. Not sure why sone find that hard to grasp

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 31/12/2024 21:21

Thatcastlethere · 31/12/2024 21:11

"Does nothing for the party atmosphere"
Wtf.. it's not his job to build a party atmosphere for you. It's not even the ops party! He was invited to the party by the host. If the host wanted him there that's up to him.
Who tf thinks they have a right to decide who attends someone elses birthday party and best creates the party atmosphere.
It's not work. It's someone's birthday. Perhaps they value this person despite his social shortcomings. Who knows. It's not your call. He's not the party planner he's an invited guest of the hosts. He's not someone running an event you paid to attend. Who gets frustrated at someone else's party guest for not being fun enough?? So odd.

Show quote history

"does nothing for the party atmosphere" was me trying to be less harsh. What I meant was "he brings the atmosphere down" because someone sitting down at a table of strangers and then refusing to engage in conversation with them is awkward AF, ruins the atmosphere, and lessens everyone else's enjoyment. Why is he there?

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 31/12/2024 21:21

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 31/12/2024 21:21

"does nothing for the party atmosphere" was me trying to be less harsh. What I meant was "he brings the atmosphere down" because someone sitting down at a table of strangers and then refusing to engage in conversation with them is awkward AF, ruins the atmosphere, and lessens everyone else's enjoyment. Why is he there?

Show quote history

Presumably because the host likes him and wants him to be there

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 31/12/2024 21:22

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 31/12/2024 21:21

Presumably because the host likes him and wants him to be there

Show quote history

I mean why did he sit down with strangers?

TwigletsAndRadishes · 31/12/2024 21:22

firef1y · 31/12/2024 21:15

So many of us have tried to explain why we wouldn't be talking to strangers at an event. It's nothing to do with being rude, some people have an actual, genuine, lifelong condition.

Show quote history

Some events, like professional ones, you have no choice but to attend. But if social events are really that difficult for you, why go? And frankly, who would invite you anyway?

Newbeer · 31/12/2024 21:23

Plastictrees · 31/12/2024 20:54

I really don’t see how this post is putting anyone down.

There is hypocrisy and projection in the thread, lots of aggression and hostility being directed at the OP.

Show quote history

Look at all the comments from that user, then look at all the others absolutely shitting on those who aren’t great with small talk, then look at ops post where she tells someone to fuck off because they didn’t answer her questions the way she wanted.

nellly · 31/12/2024 21:23

I also think if it was a man saying this

"Because it's frustrating when you're trying to engage people and they're just not putting any effort it ... Simple."

We would be quick to point out a random woman doesn't owe him conversation ...

Thatcastlethere · 31/12/2024 21:23

Livingtothefull · 31/12/2024 21:15

I do understand that many people suffer from social anxiety and ND conditions which may make social interactions difficult and even impossible at times. I should understand: I was one of them, and still am to an extent. I have had many awkward interactions and probably have unwittingly come across as rude sometimes.

What never occurred to me was that this was anyone else's responsibility to resolve; it was & is mine, and only mine. Not my fault, but my responsibility. And gradually through practice and putting myself out there, things have got much better.

I also have a DC with severe learning difficulties and other disabilities involving a wheelchair. He has a mental age of around 5. But I still try to teach him appropriate social interaction as far as it is possible.

I think many people who have struggled in social situations have encountered a lack of understanding from some people who are socially adept and find it hard to relate to those with social anxiety, and make wrong assumptions (I know I have) - so can see what may be triggering from some people on here. I think more understanding & empathy all round is key.

What I am very uneasy about is the amount of goading aggression on here being directed at the OP, followed by insults when she reacts to these - such as 'unpleasant' and 'rude'. And 'ablist' ????? It is really important to be sure of your evidence before making an accusation like that.

It literally says to fuck off in the thread title.
You seriously don't understand why this has generated hurt angry responses from people who struggle socially?
Especially autistics of whom many take things quite literally?

firef1y · 31/12/2024 21:24

TooMuchDontCare · 31/12/2024 21:15

So many people are Such. Hard. Work!
OP I'd be delighted to meet you at the party.

Pp are failing to grasp that if john had responded beyond a monosyllabic answer to any of op's questions she wouldn't have tried other ways to engage him.

I despair that there are SO many people so lacking in social skills & I'm very thankful that my social circle is not like that.

When we organise or attend social events it is very often with the express intention of bringing together various friends & acquaintances so they can meet & get to know each other

I'm honestly finding it very odd that there are people who would go to graham's party & not think that the polite thing to do is to engage with graham's other guests.& that there is already a connecting starting point- you both know graham! It's not like rocking up to someone in the supermarket & striking up conversation!

I find it odd that someone would.be so disrespectful of Graham that they think that his chosen guest should "fuck off".

It's not like he gate.crashed, he was invited. And obviously Graham liked him enough to invite him, despite the lack.of social skills.

I do wonder what Graham would think about the way this interaction has been pulled apart over the Internet.

Seriously, OP, if you genuinely feel as aggrieved by this interaction as you are portraying, maybe have a "chat" with Graham about his "rude" friend.

Of course it's always possible that the interaction was observed by someone else and already commented on.

And you know what? I'm going to a party next month. I'll be taking my earphones, I'll be happy to sit on the edge of the room and observe. I'll talk to people I know, I'll even talk to people I do.know if someone I do know is included in the conversation.

I'll rock, I'll stim, I'll probably escape outside half a dozen times. But I would rather not hold a conversation with someone who thinks I'm a waste of their time because I started out with single word answers

Thatcastlethere · 31/12/2024 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TwistedWonder · 31/12/2024 21:25

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 31/12/2024 21:21

Presumably because the host likes him and wants him to be there

Show quote history

That’s the point isn’t it. The people invited are there for the host. If they don’t want be forced into pointless small talk with strangers, how on earth is that bringing anyone else’s atmosphere down? The chatters can hone in on someone else and leave the quiet ones in peace. Why does anyone have to engage with anyone if they don’t want to?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.