To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

If everyone except John chatted nicely why are you so pissed off?

He is entitled to go to a brunch that he's invited to even if he doesn't want to chat with everyone.

I once interviewed someone like this. It was like being tortured.

I think this is something that seems to have got lost recently? The idea that guests at social events have responsibilities, alongside the responsibilities of the host, and that there are norms of behaviour that, while they might seem arbitrary tend to centre around making an event run well.

The core of it all is reciprocity.

It seems that you think he owed you a conversation? He doesn't and was telling you he didn't want to engage with you. You missed the unsubtle cues and kept going and going at him. He'd probably made a judgement about you from hearing you talk to others, decided that he didn't like you, realized that he would probably not see you again and just couldn't be arsed with you.

Yay, just as I thought I'm rude and don't deserve to be invited anywhere.

I, however, find the people that can't stop talking in these situations, who insist on talking to me even when I'm blatantly uncomfortable, that try to force eye contact (happens quite a lot even after I explain that I'm autistic, please give me a while) rude. And wish they would slow down with the questions and give me time to work out a socially acceptable answer to the first question.

Just so you know, that if someone really makes the effort, and that means giving me space when I need it (especially if we've first met) I can hold a semi-decent conversation. It just takes me longer to think of a suitable answer (that's not a single word) and very often, with a less patient person the conversation has moved on several subjects before I can formulate an answer.

With people I don't know, I'm almost certainly like 'steve' to begin with. I wasn't blessed with the conversational gene but it usually goes away as I get to know them

I wouldn't approach a stranger with your form of staccato questioning. Less direct questions can be better, talking about things like the venue, location, event for example.

'What do you do? - I answer if asked but find it a boring question and don't ask others this as an opener.

A good start can be to observe who is chatty and who is quiet. Join in with the chatty ones and let the quiet ones work their way in more gradually.

Its ok to go slowly with conversation when you don't know people, there's no rush to get to know people, two moments of quiet is fine. People often warm up over time.

Old

@firef1y i know that social situations are really hard work if you are autistic. Both DS and DH are autistic and they never go to parties unless they absolutely have to. In 2024 DH went to just two; his nephews wedding and a colleague’s funeral. After both of them he stayed in bed all of the next day and found it hard to speak for several days. He says it majorly jangles his nerves and exhausts him. I have nothing but sympathy.

But, it is really not true that most autistic people (depending on where they are on the spectrum) are incapable of party small talk. Being autistic does not mean you are necessarily and unavoidably unintelligent, rude or lazy. The rules of social engagement can be learned and if you care about other people and your own social isolation then you can do it. You can choose to do it as rarely as you need to, maybe just once a year and you can sleep it off for days afterwards but you CAN do it. Just like I have learned how to fake interest in DH and DS’s special interests. Inside I am screaming after about 5 minutes, but I do it because I am a considerate adult.

This. She didn't approach him and say " Hi , I'm Sheila, let me tell you all about myself. " She was asking him questions about himself

You could have asked the same question with “some people” instead of “NT.” Can’t stand that attitude that ND individuals are intrinsically superior to boring old NT’s (I’m ND)

As someone who struggles socially this thread is really unhelpful. When I manage to muster up the courage to chat to people I don’t know (trying to make the effort as I know what’s it’s like to be on the periphery) these are exactly the sort of questions I would ask. But according to many people on this thread they’re actually rude? What is a shy person like me supposed to do?

It wasn’t a ‘Tedious and self centred monologue’ though was it. It was general small talk for probably half a minute.
Genuinely interested what you think she should have done? Completely ignored the stranger sitting opposite? I guess so. Ideally just sat in silence waiting for someone else to commit the crime of starting a conversation.

Nobody else with this withering and superior view of more sociable people has been able to offer up any other suggestions for ice breakers either.

Yes, I am also interested to know how your style of conversation with another ND goes as compared to another person too.

I really, really wouldn’t take this thread as representative of society as a whole. The people who take issue with normal social behaviour are naturally drawn to it.

Somebody likened it to being in a court room,😱 I really laughed at that. Honestly how do half the people on here get on out in the real world at work interacting with colleagues, at the school gate and chatting with other parents, at one time all these people were more than likely strangers. A few social skills really helps to smooth things along and those skills include being able to ask open, non-threatening and non-controversial questions. if you think asking someone how they know the host (and I have done that many a time at a party so kill me now!) is intrusive interrogation then you have led a very sheltered life

Haha, I can certainly attest that teenagers 100% go through this stage. I often don’t even get full one word responses to questions, and don’t get me started on texts!

@Lentilweaver , You have no idea how awful it is to be interrogated about it and to be told you are selfish etc. There are many couples/women who have suffered losses, multiple failed rounds of IVF etc, who do not wish to discuss it.

You were never going to get much sympathy OP. Mumsnetters never want to work anywhere but at home and never want to answer a door!

Ah the above was to @RayKray .

So @fanaticalfairy what do you want from this thread?

You have heard from lots of people with different opinions- some agree with you and others don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you saying that anyone who is shy, introverted, has social anxiety or just doesn’t want to talk to you should never go to an event/party etc.. ? Or is it just people that don’t respond to you in the correct way should just Fuck Offfffff?

Ffs, not everyone posseses the same level or social skills as you, for better or worse.
It's often not out of rudeness, but maybe being a tad, I dunno, socially inept?!
Personally, I find formulaic questions from someone I don't know a tad insipid and struggle to answer. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I agree OP - it was a small gathering to celebrate the birthday of a mutual friend. You did your best to create convivial conversation and the other person was very rude, as are the people who say you were interrogating. Relax, unclench and enjoy the party, or stay at home if you don’t like it.

I don't actually think there is anything really wrong with either OP or John in this situation.
Some people are just not sociable. I don't see why John should be expected to hone his social skills to enable him to converse with strangers at a social gathering. It's obviously not important to him.
The OP is obviously more sociable and was not wrong to try to chat, but didn't get the response they expected and walked away - that is fine.
We are all different.

"If you want to engage in small talk with a stranger, start by talking about the food or something else non-personal."

What do you do, where do you live (general area) and what's your name are not personal questions.
You may not like some of those questions (I've explained that there have been times when I didn't like the job question and I still don't like the name question much, but these are MY issues).
If someone has an eating disorder, they may not want to talk about the food either, but that would not be your fault for asking about it.

What else do you suggest when met with one word answers? They were all open ended questions.