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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for not getting in the least bit fed up with moaning about our friends' wedding abroad

87 replies

Moomin · 02/05/2008 19:01

Have griped about it on several threads now but it's still winding me up. One of dh's best friends is getting married in FRance in August. There is no way on earth we can all afford to go there even though they have offered to find us free accommodation for a week. TRavel alone is twice what we were planning to pay for our UK holiday. So me and the dds aren't going.

However, dh has been asked to be witness/best man and he doesn't want to let his friend down as they are very close. It's still costing £250 in travel for dh to go for 3 days. and we are skint. Dh has said he will pay for it himself (even though he has paid for my 40th treats in June himself as well).

Insult to injury - one of their gift ideas is to contribute to a website that offsets carbon emissions!!! !!! (although to be fair they have said they really don't mind if no gift is given at all).

Why on earth do this wedding abroad if they want so many friends there? I would be embarrassed to ask my friends to come to my wedding abroad as I'd know how pricey it was. They're not particularly well off either - just think they've got carried away with the romance of it all.

I do feel like a bitchenvixen being so snipey about it, but it's also getting on my wick, knowing how much dh is paying for this.

OP posts:

loobrush · 02/05/2008 19:05

I'm with you on this one Moomin...

(strange to have wedding abroad if that's your gift idea though )

Turniphead1 · 02/05/2008 19:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

Moomin · 02/05/2008 22:15

It's £220 return incl taxes from the airport we'll be nearest to at the time to the one the wedding is nearest to, plus £30 for transfers. The eurostar would have been £190 return but would have meant travelling all day each side of wedding.

You must be minted Turniphead! I just think that if they wanted a big informal do with lots of people and kids there (which they do), they'd have had lots more people if they'd had it in the UK. I think it's a bit much to expect most folks would want to either have this as their summer holiday or in addition to their summer hol.

Not hacked off that dh's going - that was always the plan. He'll really enjoy it, but he says he would have enjoyed it more if we'd all been able to go, obviously.

OP posts:

Califrau · 02/05/2008 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaninoPan · 02/05/2008 22:36

with moomin, and it isn't about dh going on his own, as I read it. People must accept other's limitations financially for ceremonies abroad, and if dh was so important, then groom should ahve ensured it was ok. Not dh's fault.

the carbon emmissions IS a bit of a piss-take. If it was sooo important to them, they wouldn't have made such arrangements at all. They do sound like "self-concerned liberals" tbh. ' Be careful..except when it incinveniences us'.

dh is stuck twix and a rock and the other thing. No answer really. Apart from 'support your dh'.

Lulah · 02/05/2008 22:37

know how you feel my partners due to be best man for a so called best friend who never contacts him even though he was offered and had 2 years free accomodation for him and his two kids for two yearscourtesy of my partner and still only sees him now a couple of times a year.
The wedding is set for november in a hot hot country on a hot hot beach!!!!we have five children!!!!!!!can we go no of course not we can t afford a hol this year as it is with uni and college fees oh and he is expected to go for ten days as the first week is the stag week!!

yurt1 · 02/05/2008 22:39

I;d be rolling my eyes too Moomin.

If someone wants to get married abroad they should accept it's going to be small, cozy and intimate...

mrsgboring · 02/05/2008 22:43

Agree with Moomin. You have to consider your guests for a wedding - it's not "all about the bride and groom".

My best friend had her wedding abroad even though her own father was too ill to fly. I was And couldn't go either.

Carbon emissions offsetting all well and good, but don't wantonly and pointlessly generate them in the first place. And a total pisstake for wedding presents.

madmuggle · 03/05/2008 08:29

Bride and groom want to get married in France, good for them. If your husband committed to a part in the wedding and knew the score then just get on with it. So you miss a holiday this year, life throws those kind of breaks sometimes. Let the couple have their day, rather than the one everybody on here seems to think they should have just because their plans inconvenience you and your kids.

Yes, I sound harsh, but the amount of wedding threads on here where opinion swings back and forth is amazing.

Oh, and I haven't had much sleep

harpsichordcarrier · 03/05/2008 08:39

pmsl at the offsetting carbon emissions
no, YANBU

Original poster

Moomin · 03/05/2008 08:42

lol at the idea that I let them get on with it... well of course they'll have a super wedding: the whole setting is idyllic. The couple and their two kids are hollidaying there all summer as they have a home there that they share with the bride's mum. I would say that we weren't exactly sure of just how much it would cost when it was first announced - like the poster above who questioned the cost, most people now think that with cut-price airlines and the eurostar, it wouldn't cost that much to get there. We were quite prepared to go there at first and we researched it. But over £1000 for travel alone was clearly well beyond our budget.

and I'm sorry, but not having any holiday at all so that one person out of our family of 4 can attend the wedding of one couple we know isn't really on, for me. I don't actually think that it's that unreasonable to have that view. I don;t even think I'd be so miffed if the groom hadn't been so shocked when dh said we wouldn't all be coming, esp when he said we wouldn't have any accommodation to pay for, which I totally recognise as being very generous. With spends as well as travel it'd be costing at least £1500 and we just don't have it. I'm disappointed more than anything; I'd have loved to have taken the dds there and expereienced a french wedding; we've been to one before and it really was wonderful. But I don't want to go into (more) debt for it.

OP posts:

yurt1 · 03/05/2008 08:50

'm sorry, but not having any holiday at all so that one person out of our family of 4 can attend the wedding of one couple we know isn't really on, for me. I don't actually think that it's that unreasonable to have that view. '

Well exactly. Life getting in the way means canceling holidays because of family circumstances/money issues etc (We don't go on holiday because of ds1 - thats fair enough). NOT in order to attend a blasted wedding.

I agree with you about the cost btw. DH is flying to Scotland next week- everyone says 'oh you can get there for £29'. Er no- he can get there and back for £140.

Original poster

Moomin · 03/05/2008 09:00

[sigh] The other wedding present is to sponsor the groom who's doing a really long charity bike ride later this year, which is fabulous and commendable, etc etc. and do you know what, it would have been a super-appropriate present for wedding guests to contribute to, if the guests weren't bankrupting themselves getting to the chuffing wedding !!!

Is it going to seem mega-stingy not to be giving them a gift at all, given that the gifts are so worthy? There is no way we'd have spent £250 on a present, but that it what it will cost dh to go. But we might have sponsored the groom £50 or more if they'd go married here. It makes me feel mean and I don't think I am, really

OP posts:

WanderingTrolley · 03/05/2008 09:08

Oh God I'm with you Moomin - if I were dh I wouldn't go.

The sheer and utter bloody cheek of having a wedding abroad and expecting everyone to fork out for it amazes me. It's bridezilla and groomonstrous. And the carbon website shit isn't a wedding a present, it's ease of conscience for them and totally hypocritical.

You aren't mean. How honest have you been with the b&g? Have you said you can't afford gifts as well as dh's attendance, and that you are foregoing a family holiday for this? If twere me, I'd be horrified, and immediately get married to George Clooney down the road so my friends could attend.

I have ishoos with weddings - some people just turn into complete self-obsessed wankers over them, and need treating like brats children who go turn into prima donnas over their birthday party. {further ranting deleted before I crash the entire internet]

Again - not you that's mean, it's them.

DANCESwithLordPottingtonSmythe · 03/05/2008 09:14

Here's my wedding moan. Two sets of good friends getting married this year. BOTH said, when they got engaged...oh yes we want your children to come, may even have entertainer etc. So...went to January sales in Monsoon bought beautiful dress for dd and little linen waistcoat for ds - still quite expensive even in sale. Now neither are inviting children (no issue with that whatsoever, their choice, weekend away for me and dh!) but wish they could have told me - actually received invitation from one this week WITHOUT children on...not even phonecall! Probably am being unreasonable but don't care....hrmph.

Original poster

Moomin · 03/05/2008 09:22

I really don't think the b&g feel that they are being unreasonable. They've been together 10 years, have 2 kids and their families have been dying for them to tie the knot (esp as his is Catholic!), and they were never going to have a 'traditional' wedding. I think they are totally swept up in the romance of it all; the wedding will be very provincial, very organic, very child-centred, etc. (I have a vision of it being like a cross between a petit-filous and stella artois advert ) but I think they could still have got this kind of atmosphere in the UK with some planning, but hey... it's their day and all that.

I guess maybe I am a bit miffed not to be going -not that dh is going alone- but it's not often that you get such a child-friendly wedding in a place that's so laid-back and relaxed. Just a shame we'd need a second martgage to get there . Oh well

OP posts:

StillWaters · 03/05/2008 09:33

I think they are fully entitled to have their wedding wherever they want but have to expect that some poeple will not be able to afford, or will not want to spend, the money to get there.

It's about individual decisions. They can have it wherre they want, you and your Dh can decide if you want/can afford to go or not.

You respect their decision, and they respect yours.

Their wedding sounds great and I can see why they want it and wouldn't want to do something other just to ensure that it fits everyones budget. They have made some concessions to help with the cost, such as offering accommodation, if that's not sufficient for you, offer apologies that you will not be able to attend.

They should understand that, and you should accept their wishes for their wedding.

MrsMattie · 03/05/2008 09:36

Weddings abroad are great, but anyone considering one shouldn't be surprised or offended if many of the people they invite can't afford it. YANBU.

WanderingTrolley · 03/05/2008 09:40

It's not that child friendly if it's so expensive your children can't attend.

Iamthedoctor · 03/05/2008 09:43

Sorry but I think YABU.

It's not YOUR wedding. B&G can't help it if you can't all afford to go. And they have offered to pay for a weeks accomodation for you.

It's your DH's best friends wedding, and I think that if you REALLY cannot afford to go, then you should allow him to go without you moaning at him.

Why not look in the News of the World for the £1 ferry crossing ticket offers?

ChippyMinton · 03/05/2008 09:50

Sorry you can't all go - have you thought about driving there - ferry, tolls, petrol and overnight hotels may be do-able for the same price as one flight? Mind you there's still spends on top...

yurt1 · 03/05/2008 11:53

It's hard though isn't it? If dh is asked to be best man then he kind of has to go- even though that means that the rest of the family lose out on a holiday this year.

bergentulip · 03/05/2008 12:02

Yeah, that price of 250squids for one person to get to France and back seems a LOT. Where in France?

FluffyMummy123 · 03/05/2008 12:04

Message withdrawn

belgo · 03/05/2008 12:04

I think your friends are very generous to provide a week's accomodation. That sounds very reasonable to me. A lot of people would jump at the chance to attend a french wedding - I would. But if you can't afford it that's not your friend's fault.

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