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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for not getting in the least bit fed up with moaning about our friends' wedding abroad

87 replies

Moomin · 02/05/2008 19:01

Have griped about it on several threads now but it's still winding me up. One of dh's best friends is getting married in FRance in August. There is no way on earth we can all afford to go there even though they have offered to find us free accommodation for a week. TRavel alone is twice what we were planning to pay for our UK holiday. So me and the dds aren't going.

However, dh has been asked to be witness/best man and he doesn't want to let his friend down as they are very close. It's still costing £250 in travel for dh to go for 3 days. and we are skint. Dh has said he will pay for it himself (even though he has paid for my 40th treats in June himself as well).

Insult to injury - one of their gift ideas is to contribute to a website that offsets carbon emissions!!! !!! (although to be fair they have said they really don't mind if no gift is given at all).

Why on earth do this wedding abroad if they want so many friends there? I would be embarrassed to ask my friends to come to my wedding abroad as I'd know how pricey it was. They're not particularly well off either - just think they've got carried away with the romance of it all.

I do feel like a bitchenvixen being so snipey about it, but it's also getting on my wick, knowing how much dh is paying for this.

OP posts:
ib · 03/05/2008 12:05

I think yabu - it would probably cost them a hell of a lot more to have an equivalent wedding in the UK, and clearly this is a place that has some significance for them. Do you think they should spend more so that you have to spend less?

bergentulip · 03/05/2008 12:06

They have probably chosen France because they will get the venue of their dreams for half the price it would be in the UK. The continent is not neeearly so pricey for these things, I know, I've looked into it myself, and it is obviously the one way to get what they want.

I think you should drive though. Much cheaper. We are a family of four now, and drive everywhere (within reason!!). We use the channel tunnel, but ferries are cheaper I think. If you just have one return crossing to pay for, and get free accommodation(!!!!!- don't look a gift horse, an' all that), I personally would see if it was possible within budget.....

bergentulip · 03/05/2008 12:07

ib, x-post. What you said!

cocolepew · 03/05/2008 12:07

DH doesn't have to go. If the groom is his best friend and your DH said 'I'm sory it's too expensive', surely the groom being a good friend would say 'that's ok I'm sorry you can't be there, we'll go out when I get back'. ? People get so arsey precious about weddings, it's only a day .

belgo · 03/05/2008 12:08

Yes a family of four driving and using the tunnel (look for special offers) should be significantly cheaper then flying. I would go and make a real holiday of it.

cocolepew · 03/05/2008 12:08

Oh sorry, YANBU.

bergentulip · 03/05/2008 12:14

Had a quick look taking random week at the start of August, and you can get a 1week return for 156pounds, all in.

Of course, different times of day etc... are different prices, but this is without any special offer attached,....

bergentulip · 03/05/2008 12:15

www.eurotunnel.com

lacarte · 03/05/2008 12:21

got married in dh's home country and was over the moon because the vast majority of our friends jumped at the chance to come, despite the expense, booked months and months in advance, made a holiday out of it etc etc - but there were some who couldn't afford it so felt v guilty about that. you would have a brilliant time if you went but it's a bit of a shame to feel bitter towards your friends if you're not in a position to go.

(though of course I don't know what our best friends were saying behind our backs!)

skidoodle · 03/05/2008 12:33

lacarte, it doesn't really count as "abroad" if one of you is from there

Moomin, of course YANBU, expecting people to spend money and time on travelling to a wedding is rude. You can get married where you like but you must assume that the more inconvenient your wedding is the less likely people are to be able to go.

I think you're being way too reasonable. There's no way I would agree for my DH to go to a wedding abroad if it meant no family holiday that year.

Destination weddings are tacky and expecting your guests to subsidise your "dream" wedding by having it abroad so it is cheaper for you and more expensive and troublesome for them is shocking.

Iamthedoctor · 03/05/2008 13:09

Skidoodle - OP doesn't HAVE to go! But it would be a shame for her DH to miss his best friends wedding (especially as he is best man!).

What would the response have been if it had been if it were OP's best friend that were getting married aboad?!

My cousin had her wedding abroad a few weeks ago, and over 60 people made the effort to fly out for it. They used budget airlines and made use of the accomodation that the B&G had PAID for, to enable their loved ones to attend. It was STILL nearly half of the price of a british wedding!

Being married and having families means comprimising, and I don't feel that the OP is comprimising in the slightest. I bet, given a few days, I could come up with cheaper travel for them that the earlier suggested!

Iamthedoctor · 03/05/2008 13:10

And the 'destination' wedding was NOT tacky. I think you are rude.

Original poster
Moomin · 03/05/2008 13:18

I love the way some posters think I'm not allowing dh to go or moaning at him for doing so! I'm glad he can go!

The b&g are lovely people but very scatty. e.g. they gave us directions to their new house last summer and we drove in a heatwave only to find that the route they'd told us had been blocked off for some time and we had to find a diversion which took an hour and a half. The kids were really sweaty and upset when we finally got there. When they asked us why we were late and we told them about the route they just said "oh yeah.. forgot about that. Never mind, you're here now".... and in a lot of ways they're right - nobody died, but they're just very laissez faire about stuff.

They were going to have their wedding here (UK) up until the last minute. They wanted a barn-type/village hall venue where they could do their own catering, a civil ceremony (not necessarily at the venue) and a ceidlah caighlah KAYLEY - you know, Irish dancing etc. I think they looked at about 3 venues, couldn't find anything they liked and gave up. I think they could have easily found somewhere suitable if they'd done a bit more research.

Next thing we knew, the wedding was in France. It's only been talked about since Feb and finally confirmed in March. If we'd have had more notice we definitely could have planned and saved up, and I'm thinking a lot of their guests would be in the same boat. It's just all a bit frustrating really.

But I do wish them well;
I fully support dh going there on his own and just wish we could have all gone.

We will be having a holiday after all: one of my best friends lives on the coast now and has invited us to stay with her and her family, so at least the kids will get some sand and bucket&spades.

OP posts:
Iamthedoctor · 03/05/2008 13:23

Moomin - I can understand that you are upset about not having enough time to save up. When you put it that way.

Just a huge shame you can't go.

Original poster
Moomin · 03/05/2008 13:24

JUst looked on eurotunnel link. Prices are very reasonable, but it's 12 hours 45 mins drive from Calais . Plus we are in Lidlands so drive to Calais will be long too. No can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moomin · 03/05/2008 13:26

LOL at Lidlands - makes it sounds like Lidllands.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 03/05/2008 13:29

Message withdrawn

skidoodle · 03/05/2008 13:33

Destination weddings are tacky by definition.

Their tackiness is only enhanced by the fact that so many people think it's sophisticated to make plans that put their guests under pressure to spend time and money they might not have.

You say they don't HAVE to go and you're right. But as you point out, people don't want to miss their best friend's/brother's/other close person's wedding. So the pressure is there and unless there's a good reason, or you actually want a very tiny wedding, I think it's pretty obnoxious to choose to get married abroad.

These people expect that their guests will be able to go, which is very presumptuous given their choice of venue.

They clearly have no manners though as asking people to donate money in lieu of presents (particularly when already expecting them to travel so far and cover costs of travel) is pretty gauche.

bergentulip · 03/05/2008 13:38

where on earth takes 12hrs to get to in France??

Perhaps not then..... sorry.

FluffyMummy123 · 03/05/2008 13:39

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Moomin · 03/05/2008 13:41

LOL at cod's version of me :"They are not allowed to have a wedding without me"

the gripe, cod is that we always had every intention of going to their wedding; they have been on-off about finally doing it for years, but they have never once mentioned france until one nanosecond ago - which is disappointing as it means we can't go now en famille.

anyway, dh is going, me and dds aren't.
am disappointed. and very . but there you go, wottchergunnado?

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 03/05/2008 13:43

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Moomin · 03/05/2008 13:44

South east of france.

cod - did you go to the one in Moz? with or without the 3 dss?

OP posts:
lacarte · 03/05/2008 13:44

tackiest weddings I have been to were all in the UK

Original poster
Moomin · 03/05/2008 13:48

I'm with you there, lecarte. Was invited to a medieval one once - luckily we couldn't go but saw the photos afterwards and they were proper .

I don't think weddings abroad are tacky (apart from the ones they do for docusoaps or get featured on gmtv). Like I said before I think this wedding will be very 'petit-filous' and local toothless old men playing accordians and locals delighted at all the extra trade from the pissed up wedding guests.

OP posts: