for not getting in the least bit fed up with moaning about our friends' wedding abroad

[Moomin]

Have griped about it on several threads now but it's still winding me up. One of dh's best friends is getting married in FRance in August. There is no way on earth we can all afford to go there even though they have offered to find us free accommodation for a week. TRavel alone is twice what we were planning to pay for our UK holiday. So me and the dds aren't going.

However, dh has been asked to be witness/best man and he doesn't want to let his friend down as they are very close. It's still costing £250 in travel for dh to go for 3 days. and we are skint. Dh has said he will pay for it himself (even though he has paid for my 40th treats in June himself as well).

Insult to injury - one of their gift ideas is to contribute to a website that offsets carbon emissions!!! !!! (although to be fair they have said they really don't mind if no gift is given at all).

Why on earth do this wedding abroad if they want so many friends there? I would be embarrassed to ask my friends to come to my wedding abroad as I'd know how pricey it was. They're not particularly well off either - just think they've got carried away with the romance of it all.

I do feel like a bitchenvixen being so snipey about it, but it's also getting on my wick, knowing how much dh is paying for this.

Personally I would go and mke it a family holiday, camp ensoute for a night, fee accomadation ehen you get there, you could probably fdo the weeks holiday for less than £500 and SE France is really beautiful

Message withdrawn

The tackiness comes from the failure to understand your role as host and to plan your occasion so it will not place unnecessary burdens in your guests.

It's a different (and worse) kind of tacky than having a themed wedding, which only hurts the senses and not the feelings or the pocket.

Although from the way you describe it, I can't really see how this France-themed wedding is any less tacky than a mediaeval one. Except of course that perhaps one is a little more middle class than the other.

I'd a million time rather go to a Mediaeval wedding and drink lots of mead and do some jousting than bankrupt myself travelling to a landscape in soft focus full of horrible lisping children and ugly old men with hairy ears.

ugh. Family!!!

Okay, I always go on about my 'DH', when in fact he is still technically my 'DP' until next week.

How apt this thread is this afternoon... just got off the phone with a member of my family, my gran, saying how embarassing it was getting when friends ask her why she is not coming to our wedding/marriage. Let me explain a little.

We have two children, we live together, we are to all intents and purposes married, a family, etc.... no need for massive ceremony and fanfare to declare we plan to stick together for a few years- We decided to go away with just parents and siblings to get married, so as to AVOID any politics and nonsense and bullshit. We do not need to make any kind of statement, and arguments over this place setting or that, this colour or that, are just not worth it. I have no desire to become bridezilla or ponce about showing off how much money I can spend....

But, even then, eeeeeven when we have limited the 'guestlist' so extremely, just parents, just siblings (and their partners of course), eeeeeven when it would appear such a clear cut thing, still people have something to say about it!!!!

And then she starts going on about there is noone from my mother's side of the family going.... well, unfortunately my mother died 10yrs ago, so she cannot very likely make it, can she?? Her implication is, 'you should have invited your aunt instead'.... well, that opens up a whole other kettle of fish- I invite one aunt, I have to invite the next, and so on, and so on, and so on... aaaarrrrgggghhhhh......

Is it actually possible to have a no fuss wedding and not offend anyone or piss anyone off???

oh, and it's a civil marriage, in a reg. office, and we are going away for the weekend. Small place, not enough rooms for anyone else either!!

I can completely understand Moomins disappointment at not being able to go to this wedding en famille but it seems a shame that they can't get the ferry and then a train down. I'm pretty sure its do-able for alot less than flying.
However what really stands out in this thread is the meally mouthedness (sp!) of some people. Skidoodle, its not "shocking" to want a wedding abroad. If I'd done it that way then any friends who wanted to come and make a holiday of it would be an added bonus. I would never just expect people to attend. And I find your opinion that all weddings abroad are tacky incredibly snobby. Cheer the fuck up.

mealmouthedness

I'm very cheerful. I don't think it's tacky to have a wedding abroad. I think it's tacky to have a destination wedding, i.e. "hey everyone, I have a great idea. Why don't we get married in another country and you can all have the privilege of making that into your holiday. It'll be much cheaper (for me)"

mealymouthedness. pardon me.

bergentulip - you are not inviting your own GRAN to your wedding and you think you're not being a bridezilla? For reals?

Eurotunnel is great if you live in the South East. We used to live in London and driving to France was easy. Now we live in the North West even getting to Folkestone is a trek with dcs in the nack of the car. And France is really big! It takes ages to get anywhere. You can break up the journey with overnight stops but that does all add up. YANBU.

"back" of the car. And the train really isn't all that cheap either.

Because I am not inviting ANY of my aunts/grans/cousins etc etc... you invite one, you have to invite the lot.... and with that comes all the aggro and unnecessary pomp & circumstance.....

see now you're having to justify your choice to mn, not just your gran, bergentulip! I don't think it is possible to have a wedding where no one at all gets offended at some point.

As I said earlier, most people happily came to our wedding in dh's home country but I did have one aunt who was genuinely offended that we weren't going to have a second wedding in the UK for those who couldn't make it to the main one. And she was coming to the main one.

Bergen, no, it's not possible to get married wihout offedning someone. Even if you could, you'd still piss peopple off, because other people's weddings bring out the worst in people.

Just out of interest though, how come you and DP aren't "eloping"? I'd have thought that was much more low-key than inviting parents, siblings and their partners.

I'm getting married abroad and so many people have whinged on and on about it.

We've made it very clear to everyone- if you want to go, and can afford to go, come along, you're welcome. If you can't, don't. We'll put on a party when we get back for those who can't make it.

DPs best man isn't going so he's had to pick someone else, we don't mind.

We've shown everyone the cheaper accomodation and had it priced at travel agents for them, and we;ve shown them the accomodation we're staying in which is pricier with a wedding package- if they want to go to it they can.

You have to be prepared for people not to go when you have a wedding abroad, however, if your DP/DH wants to go, and they've gotten it as cheap as they can for him, then he can go. If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to.

I'd be annoyed if my family or my DPs family wouldn't go. DPs family caused problems until we provided them with the info on cheaper accomodation for them. My family have been spot on and are paying for us too, and the wedding package. Everyone's happy.

The rest can go to the party we'll have here.

we felt mean cutting our parents + sisters out. And you can't not invite people's other halfs really. Initially we were going to elope, but thought best not...... having 2nd thoughts now(!)

Anyway, I'll stop hijacking this thread!!! Sorry.

mumblesmummy I am sorry I think that if you ae going abroad for a wedding and expecting the whole family to come and pay is still excessive. You say you don't care if people come or not, but families are still expected.

My brother did St lucia 20 years ago (!) and it was him, his wife and one couple of friends - thats it. The party was at home afterwards. Even though my parents are well off for money, if bro had thought of inviting the whole family it would have meant a huge bill - I was a teenager and middle bro a student at the time so Mum and dad would have had to fork out for 4 poeople to St Lucia!!!

My family had already said they were totally happy for us to get married abroad and would pay no matter what it cost. We're going somewhere cheaper than we wanted to go so that DPs family can't have any qualms, and they're very well off. We only expect his mum and step dad to go as they said they were fine with it and would definately be there before we set on it. However, a lot of our family and friends have all decided to go. There'll be atleast 30 of us as people have been so open to the idea.

We checked with everyone who should be able to attend and all said they could manage and would be there. If our families couldn't have been there, we had a back up plan for a church wedding and nearby reception. Anyone else who attends is a bonus and it's totally up to them.

could you not drive there? i know you've said it's a long way but we (5 of us) used to drive to spain every year, a hell of a journey but we used to stop overnight at a formula 1 place(equivalent of travel lodges) yes not 5* but ok for a night then you could split the journey in two and do the same on the way back? you could stop every few hours as some of the French stops are very nice, although some aren't!

But YANBU. From what you've said you are just upset that you can't go as you'd have liked to.

I know it's now starting to sound like I'm making excuses, and I'm really not... but I hate camping we're not equipped for camping, I hate long car journeys and I just don't want to put the dds through it: i simply don't think it's worth the hassle, all that travelling for just a week. It's about as far as you could get from Calais and, like I said before we're 3 hours from Folkestone and the thought of all that just doesn't appeal. I don't think I'd go to this much trouble if it was my own wedding at the end of it!

Staying with my friend for our hols will save us a packet, so it won't be too much hassle dh going and he can go to the wedding from where we are staying and take just the 3 days out of our family hol.

I agree with Eddas. We used to drive to Spain when the LOs were small. You can get Eurotunnel crossings free on Tesco vouchers. Stay at Campanile in Dijon to break the journey (£50 approx for family room). Make a little holiday of it, taking two or three days to get there and two or three days coming home. LOs will get to see nice bits of France, eat in little cafe etc. What's not to like?

but if you stay in a travel lodge type place it's not camping. Or do you have to camp for the week when you get there? long car journeys are crap, i used to hate doing the 2 day journey there and back every year but we did it(with moaning ) when we got there we had forgotten the journey and tbh once mum and dad found the travel lodges instead of sleeping in the car or camping it was much better. can't you have a few days at your freinds on the coast so that the journey to folkestone is shorter, then split the france bit in smaller portions. Then you can have a 2 week holiday and still do what you'd planned and be at the wedding

when we got married my DH paid the hotel for his best man and best man's girlfriend. We are not rich but I think if you expect someone to come to you wedding to play a vital role then you should pay for them, I don't think YABU I think your friends should have factored this in to the cost of their wedding.

It would be a shame for you to miss it tho, hope you find a way.

We are going to Centerparcs in France in August - family of seven - for about £1500 plus food. I would definitely query your estimates.

It has turned out that most of the weddings we have been to over the years have been abroad, and we've usually built our holiday around them, if they've been in the summer. We've also said no to invitations that we couldn't manage, and we had distant folks decline invitations to our wedding. These things happen.

I fly to different parts of France regularly and refuse to believe it has to cost £250. Look at Ryanair and other budget airlines - usually you can fly with them for buttons and then get train/bus to where you actually want to go.

YABU, the happy couple get to choose where to get married. Your DH does not have to be a witness if he doesn't want to or can't afford it. It was kind of them to offer accomodation.

Yeah, agree with Cosima.
We are paying for flights and accommodation for our witnesses/best 'people'. Although, we actually had to fight to insist they let us pay.

But we felt very strongly about it. They have to be there, therefore we pay for them. End of. We cannot expect them to fork out when it's kind of obligatory they do so....