Page 4 | Should I ignore this text

Mulberrytree20 · 2024-12-31T07:04:38+00:00

Please tell me if iabu and a bit cold. Split from ex 2 month ago. Felt like it weren't working. Felt she wasn't nice to me, constant digs. Her DC caused drama i Felt and I did not like her ex parented her. Dc came across very spoilt and entitled (she's now a young teenager). Felt like me and my DC never came first and it was always what she and her DC wanted first. Me and ex have been messaged a little but not much. Tbh I felt so relieved and happier after I left. Ex wanted me back. I met up with her a few days ago to give belongings back, we had a brief chat about our Christmases. I received a text late last night saying she's had to sit with her DC because she's inconsolable that we are no longer together. Ex said she feels we have let our children down and wondered if I could speak to her DC to let her know I'm around if she needs me. No offence but most of our arguments were because of her DC behaviour. I'm quite happy with the way my life is now. I feel like ex is trying to emotionally manipulate me into feeling bad (nothing new there) Aibu to just ignore this text?

Baileysatchristmas · 04/01/2025 11:09

Honestly just grey rock. If she comes to your work, call the police. Forewarn any manager/supervisor that you report to that you're having issues, and if she appears at your work, call the police.

Good luck.

Lostworlds · 04/01/2025 11:10

You’ve not been mean to her, you’ve been honest. You need to put your dc first, if you’re both unhappy then of course you don’t want to meet up with her and her dd.

Just give her time, don’t engage with any other messages and be polite at work. If she causes drama or awareness then your colleagues will be able to see that it’s her doing it.

zingally · 04/01/2025 11:13

4 years is a long time in the life of a young teen. But yes, having any sort of conversation with her would probably be inappropriate.
Perhaps she's reflecting somewhat on her poor behaviour, which is no bad thing!

Oreyt · 04/01/2025 11:16

Did you meet through school?

meganorks · 04/01/2025 11:20

From the initial text I would have replied basically along the lines of 'that's not going to happen', which you did.

The 'used to be a nice guy' is deliberately designed to draw you in to at least continuing the conversation, but ultimately doing what she wants. Now is the time to block. That doesn't warrant a response.

I would speak to whoever the relevant manager/head is at school and just calmly and explain that you've split, she doesn't seem to have accepted that and has been trying to use her DD as a way to draw you back in. You've explained that's not happening and hope that's an end to it, but in case she tries to bring drama to school, you just wanted to let them know.

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 04/01/2025 11:23

Mulberrytree20 · 04/01/2025 10:51

I'm not engaging now. I'm just worried they will bring drama to my work

Show quote history

Precisely what she wants you to worry about. She wants you to agree to see her again out of some hope that you’ll be able to reason with her - and then once you get there she can roll out the violins and the whole “How have we come to this, we were so good together once, look at what it’s doing to the children, are we really going to just throw away four years?” routine. Recognise now what she’s plotting and don’t fall for it.

If she’s going to try to cause drama, she’ll do it whatever you do or say. You can’t say some magic words that will stop that and create a clean break. You just have to protect yourself and not give in.

Original poster

Mulberrytree20 · 04/01/2025 11:23

Oreyt · 04/01/2025 11:16

Did you meet through school?

No we didn't. Ex doesn't work there.

OP posts:

BMW6 · 04/01/2025 11:23

I think the answer to "What happened to you, you used to be nice" is "You happened"

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 04/01/2025 11:24

This is nothing to do with her DC, I'd put good money on it. Like you point out, your ex is a manipulator and she wants to keep her claws firmly in you.
To meet up with her would actually be doing her a massive disservice. The fact is you are not around for her, and you won't be anymore. To tell her that would be disingenuous and wouldn't help her in the long-term, if she really is struggling with the break-up. You simply aren't responsible for anything either of them feel going forward.

Alondra · 04/01/2025 11:27

The only way she'll bring drama to your work is if you keep engaging with her. I don't agree with blocking her. You need to make it clear that you don't want further engagement with her and her DC and have proof she's harassing you.

Bring the texts to your work attention and warn her, you'll escalate the problem to the police as harassment if she doesn't stop contacting you.

Don't be afraid. Fear is often what makes fail to act.

Oreyt · 04/01/2025 11:27

@Mulberrytree20

No I meant through her child.

Jolietta · 04/01/2025 11:29

Ordinarily I would suggest you block with no reply but I think she needs to get a very clear message that you are no longer interested.

'I have returned all of your belongings as agreed and now there is no reason to be in touch. Please do not contact me by any means.'

Then block her on everything.

If you see her out and about, blank her. If she turns up at your door, do not answer it, call the police.

Yalta · 04/01/2025 11:29

The message wasn’t explaining that the relationship was over. It just came across as saying you wouldn’t meet up this time.

You need to reply that you are still a nice person, just one now that realises when people are using them
We have said all that needs to be said and it is time to move on

Then block immediately

Letting her walk all over your boundaries isn’t going to save you from drama at work

Being clear, concise and detached from the situation is

Agapornis · 04/01/2025 11:34

Give your manager a head's up (confirm in writing what was discussed). Show them the texts. Explain that the girl was mean to your DS. Mitigate what you anticipate!

Cherrysoup · 04/01/2025 11:39

Block and move on or archive the chat so you don’t get notifications. Your ds is probably hugely relieved to no longer be second best.

Neveranynamesleft · 04/01/2025 11:58

You are overthinking this. Please just simply block her and move on and find someone who doesn't mess with you and your child's head and emotions.

user1492757084 · 04/01/2025 12:00

Trickabrick · 31/12/2024 07:57

I would text back “I’m sorry you feel like we’ve let our children down but I don’t feel the same way. We’ve demonstrated to them that you shouldn’t stay in a relationship that isn’t working which is a positive thing. I think it’s best we concentrate on supporting our own DC and have a clean break now.” Then block.

this and this ..

PinkCandles · 04/01/2025 12:02

It very much sounds like you made the right decision to end it. The relationship was working for her because she always put herself and dc first, but it wasn't working for you and your dc. You are well out of the drama and right not to engage further.

EdithBond · 04/01/2025 12:04

The needs of children should always come first in the case of relationship breakdown. The ideal is to stay on good terms for the sake of the kids, though that’s not always possible.

4 years is a long time in a child’s life to live with a step-sibling, whether they get on with them or not. And it’s quite typical for siblings (even full ones) to squabble and want to play their own games. That doesn’t mean they don’t love each other and get used to being together.

It’s possible your ex’s DC may be saying it because she knows it’s how her mother feels too. Just as it’s possible your DC may be saying the opposite because he knows that’s how you feel. Children tend to tell their parents what they think they want to hear.

But maybe you’ve assumed the worst or are unnecessarily blaming your ex. Surely, it’s to be expected that her DC is genuinely upset because she desperately misses her step-sibling and step-parent. Does she have other siblings or is she now suddenly an only child?

If you really don’t want to remain on good terms or even stay in contact, then of course her mother will have to find a way to help her DC through the sudden and total loss of a sibling she was expected to live with for 4 years - and presumably assumed she’d continue to share her life with. It’s similar to a sudden bereavement.

IMHO you are coming across as cold and lacking in empathy, even if you feel no further contact is best for you. Family breakdown is very traumatic for children even if they remain living with siblings. Your DC will both have been affected by such a profound split, whether they recognise and acknowledge it now or not. Better for kids to get the trauma and emotion out (healthy) rather than bury it (unhealthy).

PinkCandles · 04/01/2025 12:05

Mulberrytree20 · 04/01/2025 10:31

I guess a reason I'm worried is because I will still see her DC at my work. I work at the same school. I was trying to be nice because I don't want any drama brought to my work or for them both to cause drama for me at my work. It's not because I love drama. I really don't.

She has replied what's happened to you you used to be a nice person

You still are a nice person. You just no longer want to put up with her nasty digs, drama and selfishness. She doesnt like that. Speak to the school to prewarn them she is making things difficult

PinkCandles · 04/01/2025 12:06

Mulberrytree20 · 04/01/2025 10:20

I don't know why but even now I feel anxious sending that message

Probably because she has form for being nasty.

Supersimkin7 · 04/01/2025 12:09

You were so right to get rid.

Original poster

Mulberrytree20 · 04/01/2025 12:09

EdithBond · 04/01/2025 12:04

The needs of children should always come first in the case of relationship breakdown. The ideal is to stay on good terms for the sake of the kids, though that’s not always possible.

4 years is a long time in a child’s life to live with a step-sibling, whether they get on with them or not. And it’s quite typical for siblings (even full ones) to squabble and want to play their own games. That doesn’t mean they don’t love each other and get used to being together.

It’s possible your ex’s DC may be saying it because she knows it’s how her mother feels too. Just as it’s possible your DC may be saying the opposite because he knows that’s how you feel. Children tend to tell their parents what they think they want to hear.

But maybe you’ve assumed the worst or are unnecessarily blaming your ex. Surely, it’s to be expected that her DC is genuinely upset because she desperately misses her step-sibling and step-parent. Does she have other siblings or is she now suddenly an only child?

If you really don’t want to remain on good terms or even stay in contact, then of course her mother will have to find a way to help her DC through the sudden and total loss of a sibling she was expected to live with for 4 years - and presumably assumed she’d continue to share her life with. It’s similar to a sudden bereavement.

IMHO you are coming across as cold and lacking in empathy, even if you feel no further contact is best for you. Family breakdown is very traumatic for children even if they remain living with siblings. Your DC will both have been affected by such a profound split, whether they recognise and acknowledge it now or not. Better for kids to get the trauma and emotion out (healthy) rather than bury it (unhealthy).

We never lived together. This was just what my DC said but there were so many more things that her DC that weren't nice to my DS. Even when we first got together I remember the neighbours of ex telling me they could hear exes DD really bossing my DS around and I think they were trying to tell me in a round about way that she weren't being kind. I should have left earlier.

Perhaps I am coming across as cold but tbh I've just had enough of the drama and manipulation. I've always given in and done what both her and her DD wants. It's time to think of me and my DS first for once.

OP posts:

Swiftie1878 · 04/01/2025 12:25

Don’t be manipulated any more.
Tell her you’re still a nice person and are absolutely putting your DS first from now on.
Then say to help everyone move on you are blocking her, but wish her and her DD the best for the future.

Happyhettie · 04/01/2025 12:33

@Mulberrytree20

If you don’t want her to contact you any more, send a text saying so and if she continues to contact you, it is harassment. That way, if she does cause any issues at your place of work, you have made your stance very clear and if she causes issues, you may need to get the police involved.

You need to safe guard yourself as you work in the same school as her DC.
Take screen shots of all the text messages.
Speak to your head / member of SLT / safe guarding person and tell them what has happened.

You haven’t done anything wrong. You just need to make sure you are protected at work. Are you in a union? If not, you should join. (Regardless of this!!)