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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF on sex sites....ffs

94 replies

Bigheartlives · 31/12/2024 02:13

AIBU?

You can't make this up. I feel like I've lived a years worth of Eastenders plot threads in the last 3 weeks and I'm slightly losing my mind. I can't believe I'm even asking this question because I know the answer already but I need a check and balance with the rest of the women in the world! Is it unreasonable of me to end the relationship because I caught my BF prolific on sex hook up sites (gay, swinging, all genders). I was in hospital recovering from a cardiac arrest and major surgery to have an ICD fitted and he'd loaned me his ipad to watch some netflix and my daughter was performing. I looked for the link in my search history, and low and behold his phone search history was linked to the iPad and I saw all the sites he'd looked on that day. It was a bit of an eye opener!

I felt instantly unsafe, we'd had conversations about this sought of thing, he was well aware of my boundaries and he'd been explicit in sharing that he would not be into that at all. I obviously didn't confront him at the time because I was going through procedures but when I returned home from hospital and gathered myself, I confronted him about it he claimed it was a 'hobby' that he'd got obsessed over and he was merely messaging the most obscene things to see what reaction he'd get. That he had no intention of 'cheating' and we should work though it because he has strong feelings. I sent a polite message explaining that he'd crossed a boundary and I would not be entertaining that kind of behaviour.

He claims he hasn't lied or cheated and that I'm being unreasonable. He has messaged about how kind and generous he's been, about how he's gotten speeding tickets to get to see me in hospital and about how he's been so devoted looking after me while I've been in hospital. Personally I think he's deflecting from his awful behaviour and trying to make me out to be the bad guy.

I'm curious as to what others think about this. I need a reality check!

OP posts:
WrylyAmused · 31/12/2024 02:40

You can end a relationship at any time and for any reason.

This seems to be a very good reason.

You are in no way unreasonable, and I agree he's deflecting. He did also lie, crossed your stated boundary and is minimising and not taking accountability for his actions.

The speeding tickets are laughable - he thinks it shows care & devotion, personally I think it just shows carelessness and stupidity. But that's the least of your issues!

I hope you're recovering well from your surgery.

NavyNorris · 31/12/2024 02:57

Bin him. He sounds awful honestly.
He got a speeding ticket coming to visit you- what was he expecting? A "thank you"?
He knew your boundaries and went on the sites anyway.
I'd get rid and focus on yourself. I hope you're feeling better after your stay in hospital OP.

Popcorn63 · 31/12/2024 03:25

I'm wondering if the 7% that clicked on yabu are men?
Fuck this cretin off and have a happier life .
Good luck with your health and remember; less stress is best, so you definitely don't need that abusive arsehole in your life.
Block him on every way he can contact you.

ZippyCat · 31/12/2024 03:49

Yeah not worth it trash him honestly he doesn't respect you

AngelicKaty · 31/12/2024 04:13

"..... he claimed it was a 'hobby' that he'd got obsessed over and he was merely messaging the most obscene things to see what reaction he'd get." Messaging obscene things to strangers for a reaction is a 'hobby' now? 😬 He couldn't collect first-edition books or go fishing? They're hobbies! 🙄
Seriously OP, you are neither losing your mind or being unreasonable. You discussed boundaries with him and, despite his assurances, he's disregarded them - to me, that is lying. So here's your reality check from me: this is not what you want in a man, so wave him goodbye without so much as a backward glance. And very best of luck in 2025 for finding a more suitable partner. 😊

Summerhillsquare · 31/12/2024 04:23

Bad enough if you were fit and well and skipping down the street, but while you were in HOSPITAL??!!

Daisydaisy2024 · 31/12/2024 05:03

Dump. Immediately. Without a moment's further discussion.

BigDahliaFan · 31/12/2024 05:10

Dump him and he can therefore be ever known to you and your friends as that one who was looking up porn while I was in hospital.

Endofyear · 31/12/2024 09:41

Of course you can end the relationship for any reason you wish. I would definitely end it because of this. What a creep 🤢

Pussycat22 · 31/12/2024 09:44

AngelicKaty · 31/12/2024 04:13

"..... he claimed it was a 'hobby' that he'd got obsessed over and he was merely messaging the most obscene things to see what reaction he'd get." Messaging obscene things to strangers for a reaction is a 'hobby' now? 😬 He couldn't collect first-edition books or go fishing? They're hobbies! 🙄
Seriously OP, you are neither losing your mind or being unreasonable. You discussed boundaries with him and, despite his assurances, he's disregarded them - to me, that is lying. So here's your reality check from me: this is not what you want in a man, so wave him goodbye without so much as a backward glance. And very best of luck in 2025 for finding a more suitable partner. 😊

Marquise de Sade behaviour?

JMSA · 31/12/2024 10:10

Leave him to his kinks.
You're never going to be able to relax into the relationship after seeing this ... and I don't blame you!
I would need to end it if I were in your shoes. I'd feel like I was stopping him being who he really was, and it's important for me to be on the same page with a partner.

ExtraOnions · 31/12/2024 10:15

Why does nobody use Private Browsing? (Misses point of thread, I know)

Original poster
Bigheartlives · 01/01/2025 13:36

AngelicKaty · 31/12/2024 04:13

"..... he claimed it was a 'hobby' that he'd got obsessed over and he was merely messaging the most obscene things to see what reaction he'd get." Messaging obscene things to strangers for a reaction is a 'hobby' now? 😬 He couldn't collect first-edition books or go fishing? They're hobbies! 🙄
Seriously OP, you are neither losing your mind or being unreasonable. You discussed boundaries with him and, despite his assurances, he's disregarded them - to me, that is lying. So here's your reality check from me: this is not what you want in a man, so wave him goodbye without so much as a backward glance. And very best of luck in 2025 for finding a more suitable partner. 😊

That was my thoughts.. as if calling it a hobby and claiming you are not a bad person makes the behaviour OK somehow. It's worse, sure, have your kinks but being callous and mean to people for your own gratification is not OK. And still cheating in my book.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/01/2025 13:37

Bin him off immediately. Why is this even a question?

Original poster
Bigheartlives · 01/01/2025 13:39

Summerhillsquare · 31/12/2024 04:23

Bad enough if you were fit and well and skipping down the street, but while you were in HOSPITAL??!!

When I pulled him up on it his response was 'I've been utterly devoted to your every need whilst you've been in hospital' and 'I even got a speeding fine so that I could be there when you wanted me to'. I think it's emotional blackmail.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigheartlives · 01/01/2025 13:42

JMSA · 31/12/2024 10:10

Leave him to his kinks.
You're never going to be able to relax into the relationship after seeing this ... and I don't blame you!
I would need to end it if I were in your shoes. I'd feel like I was stopping him being who he really was, and it's important for me to be on the same page with a partner.

When I set my firm boundary I expressed that a previous partner had these desires and it wasn't for me. I expressed that I had no problem with others desires but it's not for me so would be a firm no and was considered cheating in my eyes. Now he's claiming that he wasn't cheating but doing a 'research' project that became obsessive. So interesting what people will claim when they're caught out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigheartlives · 01/01/2025 13:43

ExtraOnions · 31/12/2024 10:15

Why does nobody use Private Browsing? (Misses point of thread, I know)

My guess is they want to be seen

OP posts:
CraftyNavySeal · 01/01/2025 13:44

You don’t need to set a boundary of “don’t be a degenerate” it’s the absolute bare minimum, don’t second guess yourself.

Original poster
Bigheartlives · 01/01/2025 13:46

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/01/2025 13:37

Bin him off immediately. Why is this even a question?

I did. I was just curious because he tried to spin it and asked me to work through it with him. So I wanted feedback for validation I was making the right deciaion I suppose.

OP posts:
spukalili · 01/01/2025 13:50

For me, this isn't something I could easily move on from. It's bad enough that he is visiting sex sites (not even just dabbling with pornography, which I feel is more acceptable) but he is actually communicating with other people and seeking out that interaction. In addition to this, you were in a vulnerable position, in hospital.

If, once you approached him about the incident, he had apologised and given his reasons, I think there might be more room to move on from it, but he just tried to spin you a tale about how it isn't how it looks, and his devotion to you while in hospital (which is completely expected from a spouse anyway!) gives him some kind of free pass to do whatever he wants.

Ultimately, what happens is down to you. Everybody will have a different opinion on this kind of thing - some people feel pornography is cheating, others have no issues with cam sites, Only Fans, sex forums, etc.

How do you feel about it? Can you see yourself being able to process his choices and being able to move on from it? If not, you need to consider whether this relationship is salvageable.

MaggieBsBoat · 01/01/2025 13:52

And off you fuck silly man!!

Original poster
Bigheartlives · 01/01/2025 19:53

spukalili · 01/01/2025 13:50

For me, this isn't something I could easily move on from. It's bad enough that he is visiting sex sites (not even just dabbling with pornography, which I feel is more acceptable) but he is actually communicating with other people and seeking out that interaction. In addition to this, you were in a vulnerable position, in hospital.

If, once you approached him about the incident, he had apologised and given his reasons, I think there might be more room to move on from it, but he just tried to spin you a tale about how it isn't how it looks, and his devotion to you while in hospital (which is completely expected from a spouse anyway!) gives him some kind of free pass to do whatever he wants.

Ultimately, what happens is down to you. Everybody will have a different opinion on this kind of thing - some people feel pornography is cheating, others have no issues with cam sites, Only Fans, sex forums, etc.

How do you feel about it? Can you see yourself being able to process his choices and being able to move on from it? If not, you need to consider whether this relationship is salvageable.

Thank you for your considered response. For me, his actions were completely disrespectful of my explicitly shared boundaries. We had discussed our views and he explicitly told me he was not on any sites, nor held any interest in it. It shows a side of him that is sinister, purposefully targeting strangers using a fake profile to see how rude he can be with people. For me, that's just as bad as lying. I don't think I could ever trust someone who so easily does as they please with no consideration to how the other person feels.

OP posts:
Balaclaval · 01/01/2025 20:00

A guy who’ll get speeding tickets rushing to see you! What more could a woman want?

His puny defence actually makes it worse.

It’s the communication via the sites that’s the problem. He’s not just looking at photos, he’s actually seeking out interactions.

MissFlimpkin · 01/01/2025 20:04

Wow.
I didn't read it all as I presume it didn't get better .
You were recovering from a procedure and he was messaging women / men for hook ups?

It's black and white- what a shit.

mrspick · 01/01/2025 20:12

Out and out gas lighting. I've been there and it doesn't get any better. Every time you find something out he'll deflect it back on how unreasonable you are or if you didn't do/say this I wouldn't have done it. Bin,bin,bin.