BF on sex sites....ffs

[Bigheartlives]

AIBU?

You can't make this up. I feel like I've lived a years worth of Eastenders plot threads in the last 3 weeks and I'm slightly losing my mind. I can't believe I'm even asking this question because I know the answer already but I need a check and balance with the rest of the women in the world! Is it unreasonable of me to end the relationship because I caught my BF prolific on sex hook up sites (gay, swinging, all genders). I was in hospital recovering from a cardiac arrest and major surgery to have an ICD fitted and he'd loaned me his ipad to watch some netflix and my daughter was performing. I looked for the link in my search history, and low and behold his phone search history was linked to the iPad and I saw all the sites he'd looked on that day. It was a bit of an eye opener!

I felt instantly unsafe, we'd had conversations about this sought of thing, he was well aware of my boundaries and he'd been explicit in sharing that he would not be into that at all. I obviously didn't confront him at the time because I was going through procedures but when I returned home from hospital and gathered myself, I confronted him about it he claimed it was a 'hobby' that he'd got obsessed over and he was merely messaging the most obscene things to see what reaction he'd get. That he had no intention of 'cheating' and we should work though it because he has strong feelings. I sent a polite message explaining that he'd crossed a boundary and I would not be entertaining that kind of behaviour.

He claims he hasn't lied or cheated and that I'm being unreasonable. He has messaged about how kind and generous he's been, about how he's gotten speeding tickets to get to see me in hospital and about how he's been so devoted looking after me while I've been in hospital. Personally I think he's deflecting from his awful behaviour and trying to make me out to be the bad guy.

I'm curious as to what others think about this. I need a reality check!

Thankfully early stages. Just 3 months and we were beginning to meld our lives. Im so grateful that in a way Inhad this tragidy and it all came to light. On reflection I think I was love bombed.

I thought the same, I am very concerned that others who are more vulnerable than I could be a target. I don't know how to flag it up. I wondered about logging it with the police but no crime has been committed. I think I might still do that though, in case anyone wants to use Claires law.

No!! She is a musician!!

He might like to think of it as research, or a hobby. Let him. Behind many upstanding male members of community there's someone desperately trying to atone for something.

You meanwhile, get yourself going in the oppposite direction and keep moving because I'm sure you've seen quite enough of his circus skills.

I'm so grateful for the humour you've brought to this awful interaction I had. You are totally right.

There is a part of me that wants to expose him so that others don't suffer the same fate.

What now OP? What are you going to do?

I ended it there and then when we had the conversation about it. I won't entertain it any further.

Have you thought of asking for a Claire’s Law search in him just in case there is anything more awful to know? As a pp said he’s probably just a “ philosophical wanker” but if you’ve a gut feeling there may be more I’d pursue that.
Hope you are recovering well physically.

It's only been 3 months, so much easier to get rid of. At 3 months I'm still at the meeting up twice a week stage, definitely no moving in for a long time. Well done on getting shot.

Thank you! I'm 2 years out. Happy and healthy and in a relationship with a wonderful man who would never behave like this. It has been awful but I only regret staying as long as I did not leaving.

You will get through it, whatever path you choose xx

@Bigheartlives a wise movelovely ! There really are only 2 scenarios here- he was indeed actively looking or he's an utter weirdo !! Neither are scenarios you want to be around

I don't think the police would take a report of a man interacting with other adults on sex and swinging sites (?)

It might still be worth checking if he has any record for your own information though.

In terms of warming other women about him there are some websites and Facebook groups about cheating etc men.

There's "are we dating the sane guy" by region. There used to be Ind called bad boy report (!) I'm sure there are others.

They probably get shut down quickly - because they have photos and the men probably find out and start legal action etc. But the always pop up again.

That should be *Are we dating the same guy?" Though "sane" is an ironic typo.

Still too dumb to unsynch his account when he lends out his devices though.

He tried to spin it. This sounds narcissistic.

has he taken any ownership or is he turning it all into a you problem? Because you know it’s not a you problem. His actions are solely his to own.

Maybe I missed something, but he was just messaging other people right? That’s not illegal so not something reportable to the the police. It’s very disrespectful towards you and he sounds like a liar and a manipulator in your relationship, but unless he’s been doing unlawful stuff (like child pornography or god knows what) there’s not really anything to report to the police. But maybe I missed some information or there’s more that you do ‘t want to disclose.

Sometimes, it doesnt matter how many good things a partner has done for you, if they do that one thing that crosses a boundary then thats it. Ive been through something with similarities to your situation and it makes you feel physically sick and all kinds of unsafe, wary, questioning and unsettled. But, remember that we were given the gift of a gut reaction for a reason. This situation has obviously set off all your warning bells and your gut reaction is that what hes done is a step too far in the wrong direction. You aren't wrong to think that and I'd feel the same. Hes now in damage limitation mode and will try everything to deflect from his behaviour. Its not ok to do what hes done. I'd be throwing his stuff onto the front lawn and changing the locks at this point.