BF on sex sites....ffs

[Bigheartlives]

AIBU?

You can't make this up. I feel like I've lived a years worth of Eastenders plot threads in the last 3 weeks and I'm slightly losing my mind. I can't believe I'm even asking this question because I know the answer already but I need a check and balance with the rest of the women in the world! Is it unreasonable of me to end the relationship because I caught my BF prolific on sex hook up sites (gay, swinging, all genders). I was in hospital recovering from a cardiac arrest and major surgery to have an ICD fitted and he'd loaned me his ipad to watch some netflix and my daughter was performing. I looked for the link in my search history, and low and behold his phone search history was linked to the iPad and I saw all the sites he'd looked on that day. It was a bit of an eye opener!

I felt instantly unsafe, we'd had conversations about this sought of thing, he was well aware of my boundaries and he'd been explicit in sharing that he would not be into that at all. I obviously didn't confront him at the time because I was going through procedures but when I returned home from hospital and gathered myself, I confronted him about it he claimed it was a 'hobby' that he'd got obsessed over and he was merely messaging the most obscene things to see what reaction he'd get. That he had no intention of 'cheating' and we should work though it because he has strong feelings. I sent a polite message explaining that he'd crossed a boundary and I would not be entertaining that kind of behaviour.

He claims he hasn't lied or cheated and that I'm being unreasonable. He has messaged about how kind and generous he's been, about how he's gotten speeding tickets to get to see me in hospital and about how he's been so devoted looking after me while I've been in hospital. Personally I think he's deflecting from his awful behaviour and trying to make me out to be the bad guy.

I'm curious as to what others think about this. I need a reality check!

My ex husband had over 50 affairs in the end and was on all these sites. When caught out his first excuse was ALWAYS it was just messaging that got carried away... it later turned out that was ALWAYS untrue! Just his attempt to talk his way out.

I wish I had realised this a whole lot sooner.

I'm sorry you're going through this and hope you're feeling better xx

He’s not good enough for you love. Sorry you found those but in a way it’s good. Wishing you good health & happiness this year. Good riddance to bad rubbish.x

No you are not. My fiancé broke down January 2023. I drove over 1h 40 minutes in the snow to a mile from his work, two kids youngest 3 months and pregnant with our third. When hooking the cars together to tow him home a used condom wrapper fell out of his pocket. I was convinced he was doing the dirty behind my back but he swore blind I was delusional and hormonal. Few weeks later he had confided in a woman he had feelings for that he worked with years back but at that time in her life she was married. He made out that I was crazy and he was trying so hard and nothing he done was good enough. She never took the bate and confided in me to let me know. He never responded to her last message. Five months later I borrowed his tablet during a night feed I was breastfeeding so had 45 minutes at least to try stay awake and when I unlocked it found he was on live chats with women he hadn't even closed the window or tried to hide it. When I confronted him he admitted he had been jerking off at work etc. I was truly devastated. He walked out and took off for a week. Due to complications with my pregnancy I had to contact him regarding back ground information. He managed to worm his way back in. I ended up marrying him all was fine. Until one night few weeks before Christmas 2023 I had a small tiff with my own mother over something I can't remember now. He said that he wished I had died with our final child (I had major complications) and that he would have taken the kids over 300 miles to be with his family (who he has no relationships with and keeps his sister sweet for his inheritance as she's in charge) to be spiteful towards my family and because he couldn't do it alone. Fast forward two weeks and our middle child had his old phone he gave before leaving for work, our child had opened a message from his sister and handed me the phone as wanted YouTube. (His sister doesn't speak with me as I stood up to her when she arranged their father's funeral as it was his father's wishes he was not to attend his funeral and I felt this was wrong.) The message read that my ongoing complications, bleeding for 10 weeks PP ect I was playing up on it that I am fine and that I over spent on Christmas ect. (Our money is separate and every Christmas present purchased for all family members and our children was purchased by myself bar one for our son.) He uses sex against me, plays mind games ect. I'm not laced up the back. He thinks because there's a 15 year age gap and I'm younger I can't see what he's doing and he's good at twisting things on myself. I am no way perfect, but I have been loyal to this man to the core, picked him out of the gutter when he was an alcoholic sobered him up, gave him his dream life of a wife and kids. I do not regret our children and I love him for that reason but I am no longer in love with him and regret marrying him. I wish back in June 2023 I had stood my ground instead of not wanting my children brought up in a broken home. Please choose yourself, I am now stuck. I know I won't ever get away from this man until he pops his clogs or our children are old enough for me to have the courage to leave. You deserve to be happy and treated correctly.

Get out of this relationship asap!!

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you. It is beyond me how people can disrespect others in such a selfish way. I hope you have been able to heal from this 💛

He's an absolute comedian.

I eye rolled or shook my head at pretty much everything you reported him saying.

YANBU. Trust your gut.

Blaming you for his speeding ticket? Wtf.

I caught my BF prolific on sex hook up sites (gay, swinging, all genders)

Hetero sex/swinging sites are bad enough but gay ..all genders; I'm heterosexual and want a heterosexual partner. This would turn me off as much as the "virtual cheating".

he claimed it was a 'hobby' that he'd got obsessed over

A hobby is watching football, playing football, cycling, playing computer games .... To name a few that men I know have ..... A hobby is not going on sex sites and exchanging sexually explicit messages with anyone who'll give you the time of day.

he was merely messaging the most obscene things to see what reaction he'd get

That makes him sound degenerate, weird, attention seeking, twisted .....and (again) a total turn off.

we'd had conversations about this sought of thing, he was well aware of my boundaries and he'd been explicit in sharing that he would not be into that at all

Very few people would be ok with this, with their agreement .... But you even had a conversation about this. And you understood it was not acceptable/a possibility in your relationship.

He also lied through his teeth, your face.

How do you go from "I wouldn't be into that at all" to "it's my hobby to go on sex and swinging sites, and to message anyone who'll interact with me the most explicit things I can think of, to get a reaction"?

You don't.
So he lied through is teeth to get you to get into and stay in a relationship with him.
And then did whatever he fancied (and I doubt he just started that recently) behind your back.

He leads a double life.

I feel very sorry for the next "respectable front/plus one" partner he has.

What do you mean your daughter was performing?? On an Onlyfans site???

He claims he hasn't lied or cheated and that I'm being unreasonable.

But you two appear to have had a conversation about sites like these and he said he wouldn't be into that at all (?) And you understood neither of you would be doing that, together or separately. So he most definitely has lied.

And even if you hadn't had those conversations; he would have lied by omission about being active on sex & swinging sites. Because the first you knew of it was when the messages synched.

Messaging others explicitly is a form of cheating.

So, he's wrong/lying again.

He got a speeding ticket because he lost track of time with his (or worse someone else’s) hands down his pants. To even try to spin it as being a caring bf or try to make you feel uneasy like the tickets are because of you so you are more likely to forget he is most likely a degenerate cheater is very manipulative and for me that’s enough to call it a day.

he was merely messaging the most obscene things to see what reaction he'd get

Is he particularly dumb?

He's on a sex/swinging site, so people expect explicit messages. Their reaction is probably going to be to match him with some more explicit stuff (unless they don't find him remotely attractive, even for some sexting, in which case they'll ignore him).

It's not rocket science. It's not the subject matter of a scientific experiment. They either ignore him or reply with some explicit stuff.

He's trying to make out his sordid little sexting and wanking sessions with any takers, is some kind of psycho-sexual PhD. He's full of shit, almost hilariously so.

He's what I like to call a "wanker- philosopher" .... His wanking and whatever random sex he has is so much deeper and more meaningful and more intellectual and more analytical etc than everyone else's.
They're just wanking like shit eating gibbons whereas he is the Aristotle of wanking.

Seriously, he's on all sex & swinging sites - including gay and all genders; he puts me in mind of that ex Coronation Street actress who went on the Word in the 90s and made everyone retch by saying 'I'll take all comers; man, woman, dog ...".

how he's been so devoted looking after me while I've been in hospital

Normal partners try to look after and be there for their partners when they're hospitalised/having health problems..... Without a background of sexting on sex and swinging sites behind their back (after even stating it's not their thing).

It's like a guy being caught on cam sites and saying to his partner "but I made you that cheese toastie last week, I take such good care of you!".

You're supposed to be there for your partner when they're having health problems/are hospitalised ..... It's not some special, amazing feat that gets you a get out of jail free card for sexting other people (including other men) behind their back.

This dude sounds fucked in the head.
There is all sorts of crazy going on there, I'd stay clear of him.

You've broken up with him and with very good reason. Leave him there and stop contact. Block him if necessary.

'he was merely messaging the most obscene things to see what reaction he'd get'

Let's imagine that is true. It's not an excuse that would absolve him is it? It just makes him look like an utter weirdo. Who has the time or inclination to do something as disturbing as this? It's utter nonsense.

Bahaha “upstanding member of the community in a position of power”. They are usually the worst ones as they think they can get away with anything. And sadly, quite often they do.

YANBU! Sorry if I've missed it further up but how long have you been together?

I'm glad that was your response too. I was in total disbelief!

I'm so sorry that this is your experience, I don't know where you are but there is help to leave these damaging relationships. Do what you can to keep you and your children safe xx

I agree. I was dumbfounded that was his 'defence'. I expressed that I did not want a partner who did that either.