to bail on NYE plans?

[clotheshorsess]

I made plans today with friends for NYE. They had loose plans to just hang out at a friend's flat. I was very enthusiastic. I agreed to make brownies and spinach dip.
I now don't feel like going. Is it horrible to just make up a random excuse and not go? I already made the food and I was thinking of dropping it off early tomorrow for the group. There will be 9 other people there if I do not go.

I agree with @WatcherWatch too. Friendships with flakey people are impossible to maintain. It's just a constant reminder that you are not important but that they really, really are. If I had invited 10 people to mine for NYE I would have gone through the trouble of finding a way to seat everyone, making sure I had enough clean glasses, plates, cutlery, serving dishes, napkins etc. If they start to pull out on the day for reasons such as I don't feel like coming anymore I would have been really disappointed.

Hear, hear

OP just go. Do you do this a lot? Flake out on plans because you just don’t feel like it?

I know you say that you like a quiet life but you will lose your friends if you don’t bother with them. I’ve had a few situations recently where friends have needed help and I (and others) have really gone above and beyond to help them because they were in a bad situation and we know that they are good friends and would do the same for us.

I imagine they already know that you're flaky and won't be surprised that you pull out.

I wouldn't flake on this one, I'm afraid.

I can't stand weddings and am no lover of identikit parties of the formal/semi-formal variety either. I'm of the 'it's not a summons' variety and decline any formal invitation I possibly can. But I do think that once an invitation's accepted, illness or emergency excepted, I would show up. It's good manners.

A white lie is something you tell, to save someone's feelings, not because you're covering your own bad behaviour. For example "No, your new haircut looks fine! It frames your face".

If you CBA to stick to a plan you've made, and feel guilty about it, and make something up so that others don't know about your poor behaviour, it's just a regular lie.

Nah don’t be that person. Go this evening even if only for a bit. And make a NY resolution to consult every part of yourself before saying yes to things in 2025.

I would say this is to save the host's feelings - obvs op shouldn't have agreed to go but she did. Or she could get there and say she feels a bit ropey and can't stay long.

Sorry you have to go
Don't worry about the spinach dip though

I would say it’s more to stop the host feeling angry towards her. Either way the host will feel disappointed. But if she’s honest and says she can’t be arsed, the host will be both disappointed and annoyed. If she lies and says she’s ill, the host will be disappointed but will accept it because it’s the correct way to be if someone is ill.

Edited to add, so it’s a lie to benefit the flaker not the host.

We've had a few threads lately where people haven't turned up to posters parties and they have been left feeling really awful. Everyone thinks it's only me, I won't matter in a group, but if enough people do it the thing is completely ruined for the host, who often feels embarrassed and not cared about. So as a general rule I think if you agree to go, you go.

If you don’t want to go, don’t. Life is too short to people please and be in situations you don’t want to be in.
I was also due to go to a friends tonight, I’ve bought a load of alcohol and she’s bought a load of food, but I want to stay home with my little family and do a quiet one. I cancelled two days ago, I got a thumb up reaction and she hasn’t spoken to me since. But there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first!

It's not "putting yourself first"

It's more balancing your short term wishes ( to stay in) against yo ur long term needs to have friends

There really is if you have already committed and they have bought a load of food! It’s utterly selfish a mean. I don’t think you should have friends if you have zero issues with treating them this badly.

Genuine question - why say yes in the first place?

Oh calm down. Food can be frozen or stored for another time. I have a 3 month old baby and I just can’t face doing anything tonight after Christmas, not that I need to explain myself to you!
would you rather your friends sat in your house wishing they were elsewhere?

Honestly, I wanted to when we planned it a month ago. I’ve got a 3 month old baby and Christmas has exhausted me. I didn’t know a month ago I’d be this shattered!

All you need to do is not tell someone you want to spend NYE with them, let them buy lots of food and then cancel because you no longer feel like it just before. It’s fine wanting to just stay in but then don’t make plans with others and let them think they are not going to be alone at NYE just to then change your mind. Letting people down who is supposed to matter to you is just not nice.

what makes you think she’s going to be alone? It wasn’t going to just be the two of us!
im not the fucking devil. I was up for it a month ago, I’m not now. I’m not the only person in the world who changes their mind.

If I were her I wouldn't be in any hurry to speak to you again.

I absolutely agree that it’s fine to put yourself first. But just don’t expect your friend to bother with you in the future.

If the reason is a new baby and you’re totally exhausted why not put that in the first post? That may well be a genuine reason and if you’re truly apologetic and don’t make a habit of it most friends will understand. But you just wrote that you cancelled because you’d rather stay home. If a friend text me they weren’t coming because they’d rather stay home and no other reason, I’d give them a thumbs up and decide they can enjoy staying home for any other event I organise.

I once cancelled on a friends big birthday party because I’d had a miscarriage the previous week and was just feeling really really sad and knew I wouldn’t enjoy it. She totally understood. But if I told her it was because I just couldn’t be arsed I wouldn’t expect to be her friend anymore. And she cancelled on me last minute recently because her daughter was ill. Totally understandable. But we don’t make a habit of doing this. We always make time for each other and attend important things. And we’ve been friends over 30 years now.

The fact is too many people decide they’d rather just stay home with their little families for years ands years not just because they have a new baby. Then when the kids have grown up and the husband can’t be bothered to leave the house they suddenly realise they have no friends left and wonder why. Then start threads on here about how all their friends abandoned them when they had kids. Not really ever wondering why all their mutual friends all still see each other despite also having kids.

The fact is, if you want to have friends there for YOU and attending all YOUR parties and your kids parties and for them to be there when you have life problems and just need a shoulder to cry on, you do need to do the same for THEM.

Well I mean she knows I have a baby obviously. I didn’t use the baby as an excuse, hence not mentioning in first comment.
friends cancel on each other sometimes, normalise saying “I’m not feeling it anymore” rather than making up some crap lie. she will still have a house full without me there.

Well that's the first time I've had the laugh reaction used to me as a form of mockery. 🙄

I stand by what I said.

Not when you are letting others down though. It's kind of selfish to "do what makes you happy" in that situation

This