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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For worrying my MIL has a hidden agenda

93 replies

DiamondGoldandSilver · 30/12/2024 19:16

My DH and I are planning a trip away, just the two of us, in the Spring. We will be abroad for around 5 days and the children’s grandparents have agreed to look after them while we are away. My MIL visited recently and we were talking about our trip away and her ideas for spending time with the kids. She had enjoyed a few drinks and was relaxed but not drunk. She kept mentioning taking them to see a family member that my DH and I have had a major disagreement with and have been low contact with for the past 2 years. MIL knows about this. I didn’t object to her taking them to see this family member as I didn’t want to cause an argument, but I really wish she wouldn’t try to encourage this relationship. My MIL then said something along the lines of, ‘and the best part is the parents won’t be around, yay!’

Am I unreasonable to find this comment and her enthusiasm to take the kids to visit a somewhat estranged family member unsettling? Why would my DH and I being away be the ‘best bit’?

Can anyone explain what she may have meant and hopefully reassure me that it is a normal feeling for grandparents to want to have the kids without the parents, and that her comments were normal?

I could ask my own parents to help instead of MIL and FIL but am not sure if I’m overreacting.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 30/12/2024 19:19

I wouldn’t like the way she’s plotting either, seems she is gloating in the fact you aren’t going to be there and she can do what she likes.

With the estranged family member, I think it depends on the reason for the fall out. Is it anything untoward? Regardless. If you have expressed that you do not want your children around them then that should be that. If you can’t trust her to stick by this boundary I would find alternative arrangements for childcare.

ShortyShorts · 30/12/2024 19:23

Why would my DH and I being away be the ‘best bit’?

Because when the kids see the relative, there'll be no arguing amongst the adults.

That's how I read it anyway.

Original poster
DiamondGoldandSilver · 30/12/2024 19:24

Thank you @MissDoubleU. There is no safeguarding issue. The fallout was due to a major disagreement and then this person spreading a lie about us around the family, I think to make it appear that they were not to blame for the argument. The family member has since apologised but hasn’t made any effort to rebuild the relationship. I am just done with the relationship and, while I am polite, the trust is gone.

It’s interesting that you also would not be comfortable. Gloating is exactly the right way to describe how she expressed herself.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 30/12/2024 19:25

Her comments are a bit goady. Depending on what caused the rift with this family member, you could ask her not to take your children to see them. If she refuses to abide by your wishes, you could then ask your own parents to have them instead.

PrincessOfPreschool · 30/12/2024 19:27

I couldn't be getting my knickers in a twist about that comment, honestly. She just means it'll all be much easier if there's no tension because you're not around.

Why don't you divide the time between the ILs and your parents? So 2.5/3 days each.

MissDoubleU · 30/12/2024 19:28

thepariscrimefiles · 30/12/2024 19:25

Her comments are a bit goady. Depending on what caused the rift with this family member, you could ask her not to take your children to see them. If she refuses to abide by your wishes, you could then ask your own parents to have them instead.

I think the worry for me would also be the potential for “what mum and dad don’t know what hurt them” or the old faithful “it’s happened now, so no point being upset!”

I think if it’s going to cause you upset while away or you won’t be able to trust then you’re fair enough changing plans

AgreeableDragon · 30/12/2024 19:29

I'd be very uncomfortable about this. Knowing you've fallen out with this relative the adult thing to do is ask your permission to take the children to see them, not making arrangements behind your back and blurting it out in a drunken moment.
Her judgement is questionable, and integrity lacking! If they were my DC I'd be making other plans for childcare.

Original poster
DiamondGoldandSilver · 30/12/2024 19:30

@thepariscrimefiles I can see the sense in that, however if I asked her not to take the children to see this person then there would be a major fallout. MIL is very close to this person and has sided with them in the past.

I think maybe I should find an excuse to withdraw the request for help and find an alternative. It feels like such a shame as MIL loves them a lot, and they adore her, but MIL seems to have this other agenda.

OP posts:
Forgottobuymincepies · 30/12/2024 19:32

I think your trip is ruined now. You will be worrying about what's going on back home. Tell mil your dps are having the dc now as she has made you too stressed about leaving them with her... My ils told me they would feed our vegetarian dc meat if they had them. So they never had them. They ate not more than a biscuit at her house with me present. Never alone. Brought it on themselves.

arcticpandas · 30/12/2024 19:44

You won't be able to relax thinking about what your Mil is doing with the children. I would ask someone else.

devilspawn · 30/12/2024 19:52

Presumably she's sick and tired of being caught in the middle between you all.

MissDoubleU · 30/12/2024 19:55

devilspawn · 30/12/2024 19:52

Presumably she's sick and tired of being caught in the middle between you all.

Presumably if she felt this way she wouldn’t be stirring the cauldron directly between them..

Original poster
DiamondGoldandSilver · 30/12/2024 20:11

@devilspawn I think that probably is how she feels, but I wish she could just leave it all alone.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 30/12/2024 22:28

I would just tell her you're not happy about what she said and that the children will be going to your parents instead. She should have asked you if it would be ok to take the children to see family member rather than gloated about doing it.

JoBoJoBo · 05/01/2025 13:11

If the family member has apologised why not move on from this .

grumpygrape · 05/01/2025 13:24

What are your DH's feelings on this?

PennyApril54 · 05/01/2025 13:26

I think she was just joking. The comment re parents being away might be completely separate from the visiting relatives things. Just forget it. As long as your children are safe and loved while you're away I think best to not overthink and enjoy your break .

user23124 · 05/01/2025 13:26

My mad GMa got us all christened when my atheist DM was at work one day. I would cancel the trip personally, I have no time for this crap.

Gremlins101 · 05/01/2025 13:29

I totally get the annoyance. However, I think in this case I would let it be. So she takes your kids to see this relative (and you have told us it's not a safeguarding issue)... I'm guessing if your kids are like mine, they'll take not a blind bit of notice of this random adult and it will have no lasting impact on them? Then you can come back from this holiday, well rested I hope, and carry on with your lives. Next time ask your own parents to help.

Hope you have a lovely trip away x

Catapultaway · 05/01/2025 13:30

I think she probably just meant she was looking forward to having her grandkids without you and your DH being around, which is entirely normal.

Snugglemonkey · 05/01/2025 13:31

DiamondGoldandSilver · 30/12/2024 19:30

@thepariscrimefiles I can see the sense in that, however if I asked her not to take the children to see this person then there would be a major fallout. MIL is very close to this person and has sided with them in the past.

I think maybe I should find an excuse to withdraw the request for help and find an alternative. It feels like such a shame as MIL loves them a lot, and they adore her, but MIL seems to have this other agenda.

This is what I would do. How does your husband feel?

Alalalala · 05/01/2025 13:31

She should not be taking them to see this person and her manner in talking about it is very odd.

Alalalala · 05/01/2025 13:32

Definitely find an alternative source of care for the kids if you can.

Onlyonekenobe · 05/01/2025 13:34

My MIL would say this sort of thing (indeed has in the past, but not in as serious a context as yours). What she means is “I am calling the shots re these children, not you”, asserting what she sees as her superior rights as a grandmother versus a mere mother. She very much sees herself as a matriarch, but because none of her DC or DC-in-law or GDC do she gets very frustrated and upset and that manifests as behaviour like this. She’s not horrible and she would never do anything to upset or harm her GDC, it’s really about her frustrated ambitions and her self-view.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 05/01/2025 14:04

user23124 · 05/01/2025 13:26

My mad GMa got us all christened when my atheist DM was at work one day. I would cancel the trip personally, I have no time for this crap.

Massive safeguarding fail on behalf of the church that they let this happen.

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