For worrying my MIL has a hidden agenda

[DiamondGoldandSilver]

My DH and I are planning a trip away, just the two of us, in the Spring. We will be abroad for around 5 days and the children’s grandparents have agreed to look after them while we are away. My MIL visited recently and we were talking about our trip away and her ideas for spending time with the kids. She had enjoyed a few drinks and was relaxed but not drunk. She kept mentioning taking them to see a family member that my DH and I have had a major disagreement with and have been low contact with for the past 2 years. MIL knows about this. I didn’t object to her taking them to see this family member as I didn’t want to cause an argument, but I really wish she wouldn’t try to encourage this relationship. My MIL then said something along the lines of, ‘and the best part is the parents won’t be around, yay!’

Am I unreasonable to find this comment and her enthusiasm to take the kids to visit a somewhat estranged family member unsettling? Why would my DH and I being away be the ‘best bit’?

Can anyone explain what she may have meant and hopefully reassure me that it is a normal feeling for grandparents to want to have the kids without the parents, and that her comments were normal?

I could ask my own parents to help instead of MIL and FIL but am not sure if I’m overreacting.

I think this is a massive over reaction. MIL hasn't hidden this visit from you. She's been open about it. She's not being devious. The person has apologised to you. It's fine for you to have decided not to be involved with them, but again, it would be a different situation if they hadn't taken responsibility for what they did.

She loves the kids and they love her. Why spoil what could be lovely fee days for your children?

Sorry, but that’s a Red Flag for me and I’d be amending or cancelling that holiday. The children would remain with us.

She’s going to take the kids to see that person, no doubt about that.

I agree with you, unless this relative has posed a risk to the children in the past or there's a safeguarding issue, I really couldn't get worked up about this. If the falling out had nothing to do with the kids then what bloody harm is the visit going to do.

Your MIL loves your children, the children love your MIL and will no doubt enjoy spending time with each other. Is this "visit" really worth more family drama and falling out? MIL has offered/agreed to look after your kids whilst you go on holiday, how bad can she be?

Life is too short for this bullshit, I don't know where people get the energy for it.

Some people on MN seem determined to have family feuds at the drop of a hat imo, especially where mothers in law are involved. Surely there are ways of working things out without going in all guns blazing.

Look there is saying candidly

" @DiamondGoldandSilver i know you guys dont get on with Geraldine/ Gerard but I'd like to take the kids to a garden centre one day for some lunch and take the the kids while i have them for the week. Would you be okaywith that? What do you think?

And then there is this nonsense...

She kept mentioning taking them to see a family member ... then said something along the lines of, ‘and the best part is the parents won’t be around, yay!’

One is okay and one really isnt.

The OP and DH dont want contact.
We have no clue if "Gerry/Gerri" is perfectly nice or actually a totally unpleasant individual.

The problem is the boundary pushing its not repsectful to the parents and its not okay.
I had relationships with family members one of my parents was NC with but it was transparent clear and agreed upon. As an adult it wouldnt have mattered one way or another tbh...

Take control. If the other person has apologised maybe it’s time to build bridges on your terms. Invite them to your home, have MIL round too ahead of your trip away. It will take any gloaty wind out of Mil’s sails and smooth things over. You can all discuss what the plans are with the kids etc.

Can you leave the children with someone else? MIL is being controlling and sneaky but gloating about it into the bargain

Yeah ,she would not be having my kids alone ,in this situation

I'd have taken the "no parents around" but as separate to the visit, just to mean lots of spoiling of grandchildren, sweets, toys stay up late sort of stuff. Which I know some people get upset about but I always think doesn't matter at all for a short time!

Is it your SIL

Why can't she go for 5 days without seeing this person?

I believe the comment about the parents not being present is MIL's attempt to put the blame for the original arguement on your shoulders. Is the family member on her 'side' by any chance?

Grandma is looking after OP 's kids for five days on the trot. That's something to be appreciative of, frankly. She loves the kids, they love her, they're all looking forward to it

Going by the OP, @DiamondGoldandSilver has never actually said that she doesn't want the children to see the relative. So there is absolutely no reason why grandma shouldn't do whatever she would normally do during that period.

Again, MIL has not hidden that she intends visiting them. I'm fact she's mentioned it several times. She is not being devious, nor is she going against any instruction that she's been given. She's expressed delight in a joking way, that she'll have the children to herself. I reckon that 90% of grandma's will have made that joke.

I'm astonished at the vitriol in most of the responses here, and at the voting.

Then she's being a bit of a goady twat, actually saying this to OP. She sounds like she was trying to wind OP up.

Taking the OP's children to see someone that OP and her DH are no longer in contact with due to a major disagreement seems like a strange thing to do if she wants to keep having time on her own with the children. OP is already thinking about trying to find someone else to look after her children so this could backfire on MIL.

If you don't like what's being said then why sit in silence, OP? Ask her. She's intending to visit someone you disapprove of, but if you haven't voiced this then your MiL can hardly be expected to know about it.

She's your DH's mother. Why hasn't he asked her what she means by her comment about the children's parents not being around, matching tone for tone (ie jokey banter, if appropriate). It's all in the tone and context that it's difficult for strangers to gauge online. What are DH's feelings about this? Does he trust his mother to look after your children?

People are not mind-readers. There are so many issues that a simple, open conversation could resolve, rather than jumping to the immediate resolution of reduced contact. It's easier when everyone is well aware of where the boundaries lie. When these are broken, only then is it necessary to resort to more distanced measures.

There are so many issues that a simple, open conversation could resolve, rather than jumping to the immediate resolution of reduced contact.

But then Mumsnet would die a death!

Seriously, threads like these do my head in.
MIL mentioned she was planning to go. She gave OP the opportunity to say she'd rather she didn't. OP and husband kept quiet, basically giving MIL the impression that they didn't mind.

Mumsnet : NEVER HER HAVE THE CHILDREN AGAIN SHE'S A SPITEFUL DEVIOUS COW!!!!!!!

I agree. It's a position I can't truly get on board with, given my own grandparents never 'spoiled' me or my sibling other than with love, time and attention. They would never have gone against our parents' rules. The adults in my family were a united front and we knew that if one said 'no', they all did.

But there are an awful lot of people who seem to think that a grandparent's role is to 'spoil' the grandchildren. I think it's daft, but whilst it doesn't accord with my own family values I also don't make it a hill to die on. I trust that DH is more than capable of handling DC's relationship with his family, so where there is any spoiling, I turn a blind eye.

Could it be that her train of thought was being vocalised without pause due to alchohol & the two things aren't linked? I know a lot of grandparents relish the opportunity to have time with their grandchildren and overnight stays for this length of time present a different and unique bonding opportunity as the parents are away.......

When you are back home from your trip there will be no need for your mother-in-law to take the child back there

If need to explain to your inlaws how you're feeling and/or to get alternative childcare for whilst you are away, that may be the only way you can alter how you feel about things and put your mind at ease ?

I hope you get this resolved and enjoy your trip

Thank you for all the comments. For those who have asked about my DH, he wasn’t there when this came up but I told him about it. He thought the comment was weird when I mentioned it to him. He agrees with finding an alternative which we can do very easily. Someone asked what low contact means, it simply means keeping things friendly and polite but not spending much time together and not initiating visits. This is just to keep things smooth and happy in the family while avoiding problems in the future, and protecting ourselves from any more drama. I also want to move on from all the family drama, but quietly and on my own terms.

The voting results were really helpful. I am going to make other arrangements for the kids on this occasion, and will find a way to do it without causing upset. I’ll also make sure they will continue to spend a lot of time with my MIL as she is an important part of their lives, and vice versa.

Just don't let her. Don't go along with it to keep the peace. Just say no they your kids.

I hope this means you can now both enjoy your holiday without all the worry!

I’m really surprised that you made this decision. It feels like it could potentially cause real upset, that imo could have been avoided. It’s a shame that you didn’t feel a conversation could have solved your concerns.

Yep. I feel that this is an example of how a Mumsnet thread can wind someone up and cause them to make an unnecessary and possibly damaging decision, without good reason.