For worrying my MIL has a hidden agenda

[DiamondGoldandSilver]

My DH and I are planning a trip away, just the two of us, in the Spring. We will be abroad for around 5 days and the children’s grandparents have agreed to look after them while we are away. My MIL visited recently and we were talking about our trip away and her ideas for spending time with the kids. She had enjoyed a few drinks and was relaxed but not drunk. She kept mentioning taking them to see a family member that my DH and I have had a major disagreement with and have been low contact with for the past 2 years. MIL knows about this. I didn’t object to her taking them to see this family member as I didn’t want to cause an argument, but I really wish she wouldn’t try to encourage this relationship. My MIL then said something along the lines of, ‘and the best part is the parents won’t be around, yay!’

Am I unreasonable to find this comment and her enthusiasm to take the kids to visit a somewhat estranged family member unsettling? Why would my DH and I being away be the ‘best bit’?

Can anyone explain what she may have meant and hopefully reassure me that it is a normal feeling for grandparents to want to have the kids without the parents, and that her comments were normal?

I could ask my own parents to help instead of MIL and FIL but am not sure if I’m overreacting.

I find this quite a patronising/condescending couple of comments.

Don't you think that OP is capable of taking on this thread for what it is, just another point of view? My reflex would be that the OP knows her relationship with her own MIL well enough to know whether a sober conversation is what this situation needs, and what would/wouldn't damage her relationship (and whether that would be for good reason or not).

Your MIL’s comment re ‘the best bit’ is a tad passive aggressive & undoubtedly covers over her real thoughts on the family estrangement. My own gut feeling is that it’s not cool on her part to communicate with you in this way about something that is clearly a sore point. You’re in a bit of a sticky situation because if you change the arrangements, you’ll be accused of ‘overreacting’ or worse and if you don’t you may expect more of this type of ‘communication’ because she feels she’s in a position of some influence because you ‘need her’. I’d have a calm but frank conversation with her, expressing your misgivings and if it goes the wrong way, have your folks on standby. Either way, enjoy your trip.

😮

I would hit the roof.
same with those crazy grandparents that take babies and toddlers to be pierced when they're too young to consent and the parents don't want to.

My feeling is that the OP had already decided and used the thread to justify making a mountain out of something that could easily have been a molehill.

The OP is entirely justified in her decision, but that doesn’t mean everyone has to agree. Personally, I’d have wanted to negotiate things and maintain babysitting privileges where possible, and ideally without my dp feeling like piggy in the middle.

I have tried talking to my MIL about other things in the past but then it escalated and has damaged our relationship. Our relationship is now ok, but I don’t think past damage has truly been fixed. When she made her comments, it felt unkind, like she was happy my DH and I would be gone. It wasn’t said in a nice way, and I think it did slip out because she’d had some drinks.

No one is perfect and she can be difficult, especially when she can see that things are not going her way. She is very much the family matriarch and has a lot of control over the family. She can manipulate a situation and that is why my trust is eroded. If I were to raise this, I expect things would blow up, she certainly would involve other family members and she would give me the cold shoulder (it has happened before and it hurts). She is not a bad person, I’m not perfect either, but I am very careful now and feel this is the best way forward. As above, she will continue to have time with her grandchildren and I do facilitate that. Five days in a row is probably just a bit too long and I am no longer comfortable with it.

Someone asked if MIL sided with the other person when there was a family disagreement and the answer is absolutely yes. I think this is where it’s all coming from.

If my reaction is wrong then, on balance, I would still prefer to err on the side of caution when it comes to leaving my children for so long with a family member.

I do appreciate the different viewpoints though and I have considered them too. Thank you all

I don’t think there’s anyway your going to be able to get alternate babysitters without damaging your relationship with mil further, I hope it’s worth the cost for you all

it always makes me laugh on here when the in-law haters come out, I think especially if they have sons there’s at least 50% chance that they’ll be the hated mil, just for breathing the wrong way

Leave them with your own parents so that you can relax while you’re away.

Hope things go well for you all. And hope that you and your dp have a good trip. Also hope that mil understands the decision.

What surprises me (well actually it doesn't, being such a common scenario) is that the onus appears to be on OP for all communication with MiL, and that, as a result, their relationship has been damaged.

Where is DH? He's her son. His wife shouldn't be coming into the firing line for what is essentially his responsibility. Is he incapable of having an adult conversation with his own mother?

As things stand, you've only treated - or rather evaded - the symptom of a larger problem. This is likely to arise again, since no attempt has been made to address what gave rise to it. I hate to trot out a tired old MN cliche, but it strikes me, OP, that 'you have a DH problem'. About time he stepped up to the plate and took his family responsibilities a bit more seriously, rather than foisting them onto you.

She certainly doesn't hide how she has no respect for you nor your boundaries.

I think you’re trying to be too nice about your MIL. She sounds like a twat.

She’s manipulative, goes cold on you, and now she’s talking about “the parents won’t be there, yay” and taking YOUR kids to see someone you’re LC with. There’s absolutely no way you’re wrong for arranging alternative childcare. If anything you’re being too nice about her.
They are your kids not hers, and it’s entirely your decision. She doesn’t have a right to have them. For me, someone saying they were going to take my children, in my absence, to someone I didn’t want to be in contact with, would be crossing a line big time.

She sounds very immature?

If the relative will not harm the children, I think you should let it go. If the relative apologized, it is probably time to forgive and forget.

I just wouldn't trust her. She sounds goady and unpleasant.

It would make me uneasy, I'd wonder what else she will do that you wouldn't, without you there to supervise. Grandparents that don't respect the wishes of parents are frustrating.

Your MiL @DiamondGoldandSilver sounds just like the woman in the Don't Rock The Boat story that went viral on Reddit, particularly when she recruits others to steady the boat (i.e. bring you back in line).

It's been posted a few times but I think it's worth posting again.

Don't rock the boat.
I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

This is definitely making my senses tingle. I wouldn't trust my MIL in that scenario at all. It sounds nefarious.