For worrying my MIL has a hidden agenda

[DiamondGoldandSilver]

My DH and I are planning a trip away, just the two of us, in the Spring. We will be abroad for around 5 days and the children’s grandparents have agreed to look after them while we are away. My MIL visited recently and we were talking about our trip away and her ideas for spending time with the kids. She had enjoyed a few drinks and was relaxed but not drunk. She kept mentioning taking them to see a family member that my DH and I have had a major disagreement with and have been low contact with for the past 2 years. MIL knows about this. I didn’t object to her taking them to see this family member as I didn’t want to cause an argument, but I really wish she wouldn’t try to encourage this relationship. My MIL then said something along the lines of, ‘and the best part is the parents won’t be around, yay!’

Am I unreasonable to find this comment and her enthusiasm to take the kids to visit a somewhat estranged family member unsettling? Why would my DH and I being away be the ‘best bit’?

Can anyone explain what she may have meant and hopefully reassure me that it is a normal feeling for grandparents to want to have the kids without the parents, and that her comments were normal?

I could ask my own parents to help instead of MIL and FIL but am not sure if I’m overreacting.

Because churches are historically known for their excellent safeguarding procedures? 😆

Easily could have been 30 - 40 years ago or more when it happened!

I would be wondering if this is part of a potentially bigger issue. In that whatever you request will be given lip service to your face (unless she is tipsy) then ignored when you are not around. The "it was ok in my day" syndrome.

find an excuse to withdraw the request for help and find an alternative.

I would 💯 do this.

You DH needs to talk to his mum if you are both unhappy about her plans to visit someone with your DCs that you have good reason to have fallen out with.

Alternatively, make different care arrangements for your DCs and tell her why.

She sounds like a testing old cow tbh. I would talk her about the comments now she is sober, unless she is very apologetic then I would consider alternative plans. It is disrespectful and a nasty passive aggressive comment. She at the least needs to know that you will call her out on poor behaviour

I hate family disagreements where innocent children are dragged into something not of their making. This can cause permanent rifts in parts if the family and eventually no-one will understand what it was all about - unless you chose to perpetuate it by explaining your reasons to future generations.
While you are unhappy about how your MIL has made these arrangements and should tell her that she should have asked you first, what bad things do you think could arise from your children meeting this person?

Stop pussyfooting around, and be more assertive. State quite clearly your wishes - if someone tries to alter that, it is THEM who are causing the argument. Find alternative care for your children - that is a clear message that MIL is not to be trusted. She is quite clearly relishing the idea of doing her own sweet thing, regardless of what you want!

So you have an estranged family member on your DH's side of the family that you're both low contact with and your MiL thinks it's ok to goad you about this???
For whatever reason, this relative is estranged and at the very least MiL should just accept that. She shouldn't be goading you or your DH about this. You are both adults and you have made a decision to put some distance between you & your family (kids) and that should be the end of it. In fact, imo, the MiL should respect that decision even if she doesn't agree with it.

To be honest with you - I'd be getting your DH to tell his mother that if she intends to visit this family member, she will be doing it without your child(ren) as a decision made by him and you to minimise contact with this family member is still in place and you're not going to expose your child(ren) to this family member. MiL is quite entitled to visit with this family member but as he is the father of the child(ren) here, it will not include his child(ren). He should also tell her that continued efforts to re-unite the family will be met with resistance and in the meantime, you've found someone else who respects the decision and they will be looking after your child(ren) while you're away.

That's what I would do.

I think it's impossible to tell if yabu or not without more understanding about what happened with the family member, who you say has apologised. In that case, how come you haven't moved on from whatever happened? Did you/Could you not accept the apology?

Having somebody to be willing to babysit for you and your dp to get some precious time together is so invaluable that I think I'd want to be trying to sort this tbh. The, 'No parents around' comment just sounds like a silly joke to me, trying to build up some excitement for the kids so it feels like a treat.

I honestly think all it is; is your mil is still on good terms with the other person and is visiting as usual or/ and giving them opportunity to see the kids; which you are ok with? If your not just say and I'm sure she won't??? She probably mentioned it to see if there was objection 👌

Lastly re: the comment; I think it's was just a flippant joke. Like while the cats away; the mouse will play kind of throw away comment...no parents to spoil the fun. Not that you do; but grandparents do tend to spoil Grandchildren a bit and are generally a bit more lenient 👍. I wouldn't read too far into that 👌

Just express your not happy about the visit if your not or use it as the start of mending fences 👌. Then go enjoy your break...lucky sod 🤣😉❤️

Have you or dh asked mil not to take the children to see the person?
surely that’s the first option.

I'd take it as she meant she can do what she wants with the kids as you are not there to police her.

I think it’s really weird that her number one priority once you’re away is to take your children to visit someone you don’t see or like.

if you don’t want this person seeing your children then definitely find alternative childcare. Your MIL sounds a bit silly.

I think you are over-thinking it and it would be a huge and cruel over-reaction to cancel her looking after the children.

I read it as she wouldn't have to worry about any further falling-out between you/DH and the difficult relation.

@DiamondGoldandSilver

Your DH needs to tell his mother that IF she wants to watch the DC she must agree NOT to take them to see 'X' and if she won't agree then you'll find care for the DC elsewhere. Also, if she agrees and you find out she did (presumably the DC will tell you if you ask them) then she will never have them other than for short visits or supervised.

It doesn't matter why you went LC/NC with this relative. The bottom line is that she is not respecting your boundaries.

I would make alternative childcare arrangements, too.

I wouldn’t like this and would find an alternative childcare option

So what if there is a major fall out? These are your children. That trumps them being her grandchildren. You have to be an adult here and not fall into the child of the in laws, easily done.

If these other relatives aren't people you want to spend time with, why do you think they are entitled to the enjoyment of your children?

I would say you don’t want such a visit arranged and if she persists with the idea you will make other arrangements for holiday baby sitting.
I’d expect her to cave in as it would affect her future relationship with you H and GC.
Talk to her about it in person not text or letter, make sure H on side too and stress visit with relative is totally unacceptable. It actually shows a massive disrespect to you/H that she’d even think all this is ok.

@DiamondGoldandSilver - you wrote "however if I asked her not to take the children to see this person then there would be a major fallout. MIL is very close to this person and has sided with them in the past."

The thing is, MiL can visit this person. No issues there. She just isn't allowed to visit this person with your child(ren) in tow. You (your DH and you) are calling those shots and if she can't hack that, then that's on HER not you.

If there is major fall out, you simply say "We haven't stopped MiL from visiting X" and repeat this to anyone and every one who may 'side' with her.

Agree with PPs - I don't like it one bit. Sounds underhanded. Very odd to arrange for your kids to see a relative that you have no contact with just because she wants it that way. From what you e written it feels like she has no respect for you and is glad you're out of the way.

You will be an "old cow" one day if you are lucky dear, let's hope your adult kids have more respect.

The comment about you not being around, was that said directly in relation to visiting the estranged family member? Or was a more a general comment about the five day stay? Because if it’s the latter I think I would interpret that as mum and dad aren’t around so we’ll be breaking a few rules, in a kind of fun/conspiratorial way that may or may not be harmless. If that a means a few late nights and some more treats than usual than I wouldn’t be too bothered, but if she has form for overstepping, not sticking to your rules in a more serious way or putting them at risk, then I’d be more concerned. If it was said directly in reference to the family member, I’d be more worried and suspicious about what they’ll be doing or possibly talking about in front of the children with you not there.
I would ask her to clarify what she meant by her comment.
So the family member has apologised for their behaviour but hasn’t really made an effort to build bridges and it sounds like you haven’t really forgiven them. You’ve already not objected to the visit and you might have hard time justifying not agreeing now based on that and the fact the person did apologise.
If you are really worried you would still be justified in changing the arrangements if you don’t trust mil to abide by your wishes. Maybe try to get clear in your mind what it is concerns you about it and make your decision from there.

That. We grandparents almost all love having our grandkids to ourselves. It's a different kind of relationship, dvd it becomes closer and more relaxed. Joking about it is also pretty normal I think. I wouldn't necessarily connect that joke with the visit to the relative.

This would piss me off tbh. Basically, she is saying she can do as she likes while you are not there … I would wonder what else she would have in mind that you wouldn’t necessarily be happy about. Also will she be bad mouthing you to this family member and blaming you, saying that it’s such a shame you won’t let them see DC, possibly in front of the kids???