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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how this is legal and what can be done to prevent it

153 replies

Fawnly · 30/12/2024 17:26

Over the last few weeks I’ve heard 3 separate stories of young British girls, moving to the Middle East, getting married, changing religion and having children with men who are older.
One was on here and it seems it ended in abuse.

One of the others has really disturbed me, this girl started a relationship with a doctor from Qatar who was late 20s when she was 17!! As soon as she turned 18 she started getting the documents needed to move. 6 weeks after turning 18 she has moved to Qatar, married just weeks after that (had to change religion first). Then almost immediately conceived a child. Her parents (who are my friends), haven’t been able to visit as she refuses to let them. She now has 2 children, totally distant from her family etc.

Another was similar but the UAE.

AIBU to wonder how this is legal? Why are these countries letting 30 year old men marry teenagers who they have just moved 4000 miles from home!

I have teenagers and I’m beside myself at the thought of this happening to them!

How and why does this happen? How can it be prevented?

OP posts:
NotPossibleToSay · 30/12/2024 17:30

What do you imagine can be done in the UK to prevent it?

AgnesX · 30/12/2024 17:30

You're looking at another culture through western eyes.

They allow it, so the effort to stop it has to come from their families at this end.

Original poster
Fawnly · 30/12/2024 17:32

AgnesX · 30/12/2024 17:30

You're looking at another culture through western eyes.

They allow it, so the effort to stop it has to come from their families at this end.

What can they do, that’s my question.

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 30/12/2024 17:32

I don't understand, she is above the legal age of consent - it's young, it's possibly ill advised - but as a young person making their way in the world it's really up to them.

What are you proposing?

ShadowsOfTheDays · 30/12/2024 17:33

They don't want to do anything about it though. It's acceptable in their culture I guess.

Original poster
Fawnly · 30/12/2024 17:33

Timeforabiscuit · 30/12/2024 17:32

I don't understand, she is above the legal age of consent - it's young, it's possibly ill advised - but as a young person making their way in the world it's really up to them.

What are you proposing?

He started the relationship when she was 17, then convinced her to make the move immediately after turning 18. Doesn’t that scream of abuse and manipulation?

OP posts:
AgnesX · 30/12/2024 17:34

Fawnly · 30/12/2024 17:32

What can they do, that’s my question.

Show quote history

Make it unattractive, point out the pitfalls and the risks - there must be some reason it's such an attractive opposition.

Why do YOU think it's so dreadful, what are your concerns? I take it you have no input?

Nerdlings · 30/12/2024 17:35

It may well be manipulation and/or coercion but there is nothing the UK can do about it. We cannot dictate another countries laws.

Dotto · 30/12/2024 17:36

Bring up our children to not romanticise the notion of marriage and babies as the pinnicle of existence, at all costs.

BMW6 · 30/12/2024 17:37

Well a woman over 18 can marry whoever she wants surely? Anywhere in the world?

What do you think can be done about it? They're not being trafficked or kidnapped are they?

They may be making a huge mistake - but that's their lookout.

I imagine the prospect of a wealthy and privileged lifestyle is quite a draw.

Original poster
Fawnly · 30/12/2024 17:39

BMW6 · 30/12/2024 17:37

Well a woman over 18 can marry whoever she wants surely? Anywhere in the world?

What do you think can be done about it? They're not being trafficked or kidnapped are they?

They may be making a huge mistake - but that's their lookout.

I imagine the prospect of a wealthy and privileged lifestyle is quite a draw.

I guess I find it confusing as this girl wasn’t lacking luxury and privilege. Her parents are very wealthy, 5 holidays a year, private school etc.
She was a straight A student too and now what and her parents are devastated!

OP posts:
Truetoself · 30/12/2024 17:40

Bring your girls up so they are ambitious and have options. Probably these girls have a lavish lifestyle without any needs, as long as they toe a line?

WrylyAmused · 30/12/2024 17:41

Much as you might not like it, they are legal adults and are allowed to make their own decisions, whether well thought through or not.

It's on parents (& to an extent wider society, but mostly parents) to educate their children & equip them with the critical thinking and decision making tools they need so that they are able to make informed decisions for their lives. And to start young, not keep them babied and incapable of making decisions or forming opinions, because that also causes them to be more vulnerable to coercion or strong persuasion, if they're used to letting someone else always know better and make decisions for them.

But people will always make decisions that someone else disapproves of, so whilst it could be abusive, it could also be the life they were looking for... There's evidently something attractive about it to them, for them to take that option.

GildedRage · 30/12/2024 17:42

What cultural background are the girls from and religion?

BMW6 · 30/12/2024 17:42

Fawnly · 30/12/2024 17:33

He started the relationship when she was 17, then convinced her to make the move immediately after turning 18. Doesn’t that scream of abuse and manipulation?

Show quote history

She can't read? Her parents, wider family, siblings, friends don't have any opinions on her plans?

You really think not one person would have pointed out the potential pitfalls?

Isn't it much more likely that they've disregarded any voices of dissent and gone for it?

An over 18 year old is responsible for their own decisions and actions.

Original poster
Fawnly · 30/12/2024 17:43

GildedRage · 30/12/2024 17:42

What cultural background are the girls from and religion?

The girl I’m thinking of was from a middle class, white Christian family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fawnly · 30/12/2024 17:44

BMW6 · 30/12/2024 17:42

She can't read? Her parents, wider family, siblings, friends don't have any opinions on her plans?

You really think not one person would have pointed out the potential pitfalls?

Isn't it much more likely that they've disregarded any voices of dissent and gone for it?

An over 18 year old is responsible for their own decisions and actions.

Show quote history

She didn’t tell her parents at all. She told them the day before she left she was going on holiday with friends.

She was a straight A student too so not dumb.

OP posts:
Feb135 · 30/12/2024 17:45

It's not just that direction either. I have a friend from Pakistan who came over to England at 13 on a fake passport that showed her as 18. She had 3 kids here by 16.

I doubt she looked like an adult as a 13 year old but everyone seemed to turn a blind eye, presumably on the basis of political correctness?

Original poster
Fawnly · 30/12/2024 17:48

Feb135 · 30/12/2024 17:45

It's not just that direction either. I have a friend from Pakistan who came over to England at 13 on a fake passport that showed her as 18. She had 3 kids here by 16.

I doubt she looked like an adult as a 13 year old but everyone seemed to turn a blind eye, presumably on the basis of political correctness?

It’s shocking!

My friend finds the holidays so hard, with her child gone effectively and never meeting her grandchildren.

OP posts:
GildedRage · 30/12/2024 17:50

Not that bright if she was unaware of women’s rights in mainly Muslim countries. Was her family practicing a Christian faith?
Obviously she/and others leave because something in her home life is lacking.

Runnersandtoms · 30/12/2024 17:51

I don't think you can stop a teenager making a wrong headed decision if they've made up their mind. I think all you can do to prepare for this eventuality or any other horrifically bad decision making on the part of your kids is to cultivate the best possible relationship you can with your kids so they know you are always there for them no matter what, and thry feel they can genuintalk to you and take on board your opinion. If they feel you are always against them they are more likely to strike out in search of a different path or discount your opinion. Having gone through tough times of a different type with my 18 year old, I believe our strong relationship has helped to bring us through.

Original poster
Fawnly · 30/12/2024 17:52

GildedRage · 30/12/2024 17:50

Not that bright if she was unaware of women’s rights in mainly Muslim countries. Was her family practicing a Christian faith?
Obviously she/and others leave because something in her home life is lacking.

Sure, we could say lacking street smart but nothing says she wasn’t aware of it or was manipulated/coerced into believing different.

Her family were practicing Christians, she went to a Christian School as a weekly boarder.

OP posts:
Dearg · 30/12/2024 17:52

In your example, a young woman marries an older man, and moves to live with him, accepting his culture, religion and lifestyle as part of the marriage.
The law basically says ‘ not our business’ The law is right, this is not our business.

I am trying to understand if it’s the age difference , or the culture difference that you find objectionable ?

I get that your friends are hurt that they don’t see her, but that is really down to their daughter.

Have to say , the daughter does not sound very bright, but presumably she fell in love?

Original poster
Fawnly · 30/12/2024 17:56

Dearg · 30/12/2024 17:52

In your example, a young woman marries an older man, and moves to live with him, accepting his culture, religion and lifestyle as part of the marriage.
The law basically says ‘ not our business’ The law is right, this is not our business.

I am trying to understand if it’s the age difference , or the culture difference that you find objectionable ?

I get that your friends are hurt that they don’t see her, but that is really down to their daughter.

Have to say , the daughter does not sound very bright, but presumably she fell in love?

I guess it’s a mix. If they were so in love couldn’t they stay in the UK? Why was he so desperate to get her out of the UK and have kids.

She was a bright child in terms of book smart, she had 4 As/A* at a-level, fluent in French, played sports to a high level … all the things you’d say make a successful teen.

This man then messages her on Instagram and has sneaky dates when she is still 17 at school and he is late 20s a doctor!

It just seems so off?

OP posts:
Dotto · 30/12/2024 17:59

"Fell in love"

This sounds so passive. We should be teaching our children that proper adult relationships are an active committed decision, not hormones, or hearts and roses.

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