To wonder how this is legal and what can be done to prevent it

[Fawnly]

Over the last few weeks I’ve heard 3 separate stories of young British girls, moving to the Middle East, getting married, changing religion and having children with men who are older.
One was on here and it seems it ended in abuse.

One of the others has really disturbed me, this girl started a relationship with a doctor from Qatar who was late 20s when she was 17!! As soon as she turned 18 she started getting the documents needed to move. 6 weeks after turning 18 she has moved to Qatar, married just weeks after that (had to change religion first). Then almost immediately conceived a child. Her parents (who are my friends), haven’t been able to visit as she refuses to let them. She now has 2 children, totally distant from her family etc.

Another was similar but the UAE.

AIBU to wonder how this is legal? Why are these countries letting 30 year old men marry teenagers who they have just moved 4000 miles from home!

I have teenagers and I’m beside myself at the thought of this happening to them!

How and why does this happen? How can it be prevented?

Are you for real ? You sound very naeive. This has been happening for years !!

I also think it's grooming. She was still at school and a minor when it started. He's older and a doctor so a power imbalance.

I'm quite shocked by some responses which seem keen to minimise this aspect.

What part of this do you think should be illegal and how would it be policed and enforced? Life is full of moral grey areas that are completely legal and the amount of government control needed to do what you're talking about isn't something people should be accepting in their lives. Nor should we be able to control our 18 year olds. There has to be a cut-off somewhere, 18 is legally an adult, adults are and should be allowed to fuck up their own lives because the alternative is really really not ok. The 'solution' is parental, things like keeping an eye on social media usage, teaching your kids strong boundaries, having age appropriate discussions about women's rights in places like the middle east and so on. Of course this doesn't always work. You do your best to raise them and teach them what they need and you send them out unto the world and you hope that's enough, but it isn't always. That's thr reality of it. You want their to be a solution a way to prevent this, but what would be necessary is an unacceptable level of control over our lives by the government. Even if you do everything right some kids disappear, some go off the rails, some go NC, some get addicted and turn to crime to feed the addiction and some will get taken in and end up in situation where they have very few rights and you can only hope the man they've ended up with is a decent one. Women and girls get into abusive relationships every day, the ones in their home country can be just as dangerous and the families still get cut out and lose them. You do your best and you hope it's enough.

You've noticed a pattern, the only thing that can be done from thr UK is educate young women about this so they ate equipped to make their own decisions before they are preyed on.

That's it.

I find it a bit creepy but she might be ok with it. She might want the arrangement they have and this is ok for her. All marriages are arrangements really aren't they. It's hard because the GPs are really missing out and are very negatively impacted

If their daughter says I choose this, I'm ok with this, what can or should anyone do. There's no real way of knowing unless she comes begging for help to escape him.

Young women making daft decisions isn't anything new. Legally there isn't anything that can be done because nothing illegal has happened either in the UK or overseas. All you can do as a parent is hope that you have a strong honest relationship with your own children.

It's not necessarily minimising, but more what can actually be done about it?

While grooming is a crime, it would be incredibly hard to prove in this context. Involving authorities is pointless.

So , if the parents even know about it, it's down to them. They don't have many options though(bar locking your kid up and never letting them out of your sight) and it would be a very slippery slope to give parents carte blanche to prevent their 17/18 yos from doing things because they disagree with their choices and in the name of protection. And do we stop at 17/18? If it's grooming and an abusive situation, it can also happen at 19,20, 21. How long should it be extended for?

So what can actually be done as a practical solution (other than education, raising strong/confident children, awareness etc)? Ban all 18 yos from travelling abroad without parental consent? Raise age of consent to 18?

As an aside, this is a tale as old as time when it comes to poor/working class girls. Married young to an older bloke with a job /some stability to escape whatever they're running from. The concern for them has been pretty much inexistent.

This is on the parents and their parenting. She over 18 now. Not sure what you want to happen.

If her faith school was like mine, they push the narrative about marriage and procreation being the goal in life. It's very patriarchal. All she's done is stick to that doctrine and swop one bs religion for another, and control from parents to control by husband. She's legal and good breeding stock, that's how the man will have viewed it. Good family, well educated, young and pure - tick, tick tick.

Religion has no place in education (or Government) and girls need to know that they can do whatever they want and there's a world of opportunity out there for them. We need to do better.

Maybe as a weekly boarder she never felt love from her parents and subsequently sought it elsewhere

All the parents can do is raise children who don't see this as an attractive option. Why would a 17 year old girl from a happy home with good opportunities and a full social life and hobbies want to marry a much older man and move half way around the world? They wouldn't.

You seem oddly blind to why this particular girl would choose this route. You say she’s from a very Christian family so clearly she’s been raised to value religion and marriage and having children. All of which she’s done, just not in the religion you or her parents would prefer. And you say she was a weekly boarder at school, so she’s been taught that the relationship between her and her parents and spending tike together isn’t that important and can be sidelined for other priorities, which she is also doing.

I've been the miserable 17 year old girl. My parents' friends would have thought them great parents and thought I was a brat to not appreciate them. Luckily I didn't choose this option to escape and did it by myself rather than tying myself to someone else, but I understand the desperation to do something drastic to escape and not come back.

I don't think you can stop an 18yo moving to another country or getting married, OP!

I agree the relationships sound grim and they may live to regret this.

Yep the older man younger woman thing is very disturbing but we can't change another culture. I doubt many young women here would want to do it

Its not unreasonable to say that living away from Sunday to Friday for 30 weeks a year may well affect family closeness, security, supervision etc. It may have contributed to a certain vulnerability in this case. Predatory men will try anything to get what they want.

Older man , younger woman is very much part of the British culture too. 🙄

I don't think this is specific to Qatar or is necessarily a cultural thing. There's lots of examples in the UK of young women being love bombed/groomed by men and having babies and isolating themselves from family support.
I'm not sure of the relevance of the question "how can we stop this". She's 18 and has capacity to make her own decisions. That's true whether she meets a Dr from Qatar or some deadbeat pimp on the streets in London. OK yes Qatar is another country and makes it complicated for visiting etc. But this isn't a muslim/middle Eastern issue IMHO

UK schools have training on PREVENT, Forced Marriages, FGM and what to spot but once someone leaves the school system it's down to their families.

If not through there families how do they meet these men.

She may have been a privileged, A star student but clearly one that wasn't happy, happy mentally well people don't look on the internet for random men to marriage in far off countries.

Some of you will remember when Jemima Goldsmith who was about 18 at the time married the much older Imran Khan. People thought it was romantic.

I can imagine that if you are 17 and from a middle class straight laced family and you are an archetypal "good girl" then being swept of your feet by an older handsome Arab doctor proposing marriage will be intoxicating; practically Mills&Boon.

Maybe they will be happy?

It's not about another culture. So many older British men marry young women. Surely you don't mean no late 20s Brits date then marry 17 year olds when they turn 18 year ( or just have kids with them). Surely you don't mean there are no older British men going to Asia, Africa, Latin America and marrying young girls and either bringing them here or moving elsewhere. It's no a one religion or country/region issue . It's a broader question of misogyny.
@Fawnly And then you don't know why your friend's daughter cut off contact. May be she is being abused by her dh. May be her family is toxic. May be family has said racists or nasty things about the father of her babies and she went low contact. Ultimately, she married him when she turned 18 and so legally of age. And I don't think there is a law in the uk against married someone 10 years older when you are an adult.
Also 3 out of millions of young adults us simply 3 out of a million. What can goat do to stop it? Not sure.

@BlueSilverCats Yeah sometimes, and that's fucking grim too. I can't stand it.
But I'm referring to the teenage marrying older man culture.

Exactly. She was 18 when she married him. Op has no proof there is abuse. If we tried stopping 2 white Brits over 18 getting married there would be a firestorm. Unless we create legislation on age gaps in relationships between two consenting adults.

I think the Qatar thing is a red herring.

It would be just as legal for a British man to groom a foreign 17 year old to come to the UK and then marry him as soon as she turned 18. It might be more difficult for her to get permission to live in the UK, depending on where she was from.

Yes, it's horrible and creepy, but if someone is a legal adult they can do what they like, even if they are still a teenager.

As parents we have talked to the children about relationships with people from other countries because our friend married a lovely European woman who was living in the UK and intended to stay in the UK. That was always the plan. He spoke her language but wasn't fluent like a native. Then several things occurred that meant she wanted to return and live back in her European country. Our friend did not want to live there but his choice was to stay here alone or be with his wife and children. Our own children heard those conversations from him about the devastating affect it was having on him.

They also know about films like Not Without My Daughter and that some countries will not allow children to leave with a parent depending on the country.

I think social media is to blame for showing absolutely ridiculously wealthy lifestyles. I watch Shabaz who mocks it all with his I'm rich, you're poor view but it is scary to see the wealth on display and I suppose a lot of girls in the UK would realise it would be hard to amass that sort of wealth and lifestyle here. They may not realise the implications of having children out there and what that means for women's rights if they wanted to even visit the UK with the children.

Try going to Thailand, Cambodia, Bali, and even in many of our counties and tell me you don't see Older British men with a young woman as a wife or partner. Try looking at the celebrity couples. Then come back and tell us implying it's a ME or Qatar or Dubai culture thing. Come on!

And not only that. The implication that it has to do with one religion or region is so so false.
Was it dark and swarthy Sheikh Charles the Emir of Wales who married the 20 year old Diana when he was 32? And even beyond aristocracy and celebrity I see so many powerful older men with young women. May be this girl was groomed and of course that is terrible. But to suggest that this is so uniquely outside the possibilities of a British man's frame of actions is patently false.