Hen party drama

[Orangelight23]

So my very good friend since childhood is getting married early next year. A 5 night holiday abroad was arranged in October for the hen party.

I declined the initial invite as 5 nights away from my 2 kids was a bit much really. I said to book without me and I would look to see if I could organise maybe 2 nights for myself.

I researched it and the cost for just the 2 nights was just too much really so I said unfortunately I wouldn't be going at all. All fine and nothing bad was said to me.

Fasrt forward to this weekend when we all had a Christmas get together. Bride to be was drunk and said I can't believe you didn't come to hen party, I would do anything for you and you just didn't bother. Apparently while they were away bride to be had an argument with my other friend as she was slagging me off and friend defended me saying I had good reason not to go. Now friend didn't tell me about this as didn't want to cause drama.

The wedding itself is a 2 hour drive away and child free, me and DH will be staying in a hotel overnight. Plus she is having a night out for a 'home hen' which I am going to. Therefore surely I am not being unreasonable I have missed the abroad hen?!

She's a selfish arsehole

Honestly I see both sides!

If it's a really good childhood friend, it would have been nice to make the effort to go even for a couple of nights. However she also needs to realise that spendy abroad hen dos that are basically holidays aren't going to have 100% attendance!

She shouldn't have been bitching though, but alcohol brings out the true opinions sometimes I find.

You're still making the effort to go to the "home hen" and wedding, which she should have appreciated.

You know for a fact you're not being unreasonable.

She sounds awful.

And I don't believe really nice people end up having a complete personality transplant just because they've chosen to get married.

So I'd be giving her a swerve in the future.

You will have to ignore this if you want to stay friends. Drink talk . She has no idea what that kind of commitment when you are a parent involves . And no idea of your finances. Five nights abroad is unrealistic for most people . Surprised many went.

Why do these events have to be so long?! I would not have gone either. As a mum, it’s too much. Never mind the money. Lots cannot afford this either. It’s so me me me to not think of others - your guests. There is always a middle way to accommodate everyone. I would be backing off from the friendship.

If you plan a hen that’s abroad, you need to understand some people can’t come!

Due to finances I couldn’t attend my best friends hen that was a trip away - I was a bridesmaid. She was totally fine with it and I planned her ‘at home’ hen instead - she has kids and a house and understood my step son’s urgent medical treatment we had done privately was a bigger financial need for me.

real friends understand…she isn’t a real friend.

She is being totally unreasonable.
People expect far too much from their friends these days around their weddings. Each wedding ends up costing guests hundreds each with hens/ theme night dresses/ dress for the wedding/ hotel for the night of the wedding/ the gift... It's obscene.
People choose to get married, it's not about the hen!
I wouldn't mind at all if money and children were a factor, or if they just didn't want to spend all the money or not go. It's absolutely fine!
I can't even believe she brought it up.

I'd have just said to her "come back to me when you've got two young kids and tell me then how you feel about leaving them for 5 days, or spending hundreds on something not for them".

She's hurt and disappointed you decided not to go, and this is how the rejection is presenting itself.

It's batshit and selfish to have a multi day abroad hen costing £500+ and be pissed off that some people can't attend - unless the hen is financing it.

Just go for a curry and cocktails for god sake.

I didn’t attend a hen night abroad when I was maid of honour and my friend was fine about it. We did a UK hen do which I was at but at the time I was the only one in the friendship group with children. Luckily they totally understood and respected the effort I made. YANBU, your friend is being ridiculous!

Yanbu. Expecting anyone to attend a 5 day/night hen is just an utter piss take tbh. When did people get so entitled?!

How much money should someone's Hen cost you?

If you book something expensive and requiring multiple days off then you can't be annoyed when people can't come. If she actually valued her friendships more than having a holiday she would have chosen something accessible to the people she cared about.

These type of hens - abroad - expensive - are completely ridiculous.

im surprised anyone agrees to go.

She is being a selfish arsehole.

@Nanny0gg

Eh? Someone's hen do can cost whatever the group / bride / organiser decide to plan and want to do? Varying amounts?

You don't owe anyone the cost and inconvenience of whatever bullshit she wants to make her feel "special". It's vulgar narcissistic bullshit.

I should have expanded

'Until they appreciate that it's unaffordable for some'

Of course YANBU.
Unless this is a a reverse and you're the bride....then it would be YABVVVU.

This! I'll never understand why people get so rude and entitled when it comes to their hen dos - it's like they lose all ability to logically think and reason.

No she's being unreasonable

If you don't want to do 5 night hen and leave your children that's fair enough

If she was that bothered she could she's asked you and maybe done something more inclusive such as 2-3 nights or even less

This. I'd cancel on the wedding, too.

I pressed the wrong option !! You are NOT being unreasonable.

@Nanny0gg

😂 that makes way more sense!

That's why I said about it basically being a holiday - people need to appreciate that amount of £ and annual leave is a lot for someone else's celebration! I don't think I'd spend lots and all of the annual leave unless it was a sibling and even then it depends how annoying they'd been recently.

Why does someone who already cohabits, has kids and a house with their boyfriend need a big wedding and multiple hens, at the expense of their friends???

It's not like they are entering into a big life transformation at that point. Anticlimax to say the least. Ho-hum for the guests.