Hen party drama

[Orangelight23]

So my very good friend since childhood is getting married early next year. A 5 night holiday abroad was arranged in October for the hen party.

I declined the initial invite as 5 nights away from my 2 kids was a bit much really. I said to book without me and I would look to see if I could organise maybe 2 nights for myself.

I researched it and the cost for just the 2 nights was just too much really so I said unfortunately I wouldn't be going at all. All fine and nothing bad was said to me.

Fasrt forward to this weekend when we all had a Christmas get together. Bride to be was drunk and said I can't believe you didn't come to hen party, I would do anything for you and you just didn't bother. Apparently while they were away bride to be had an argument with my other friend as she was slagging me off and friend defended me saying I had good reason not to go. Now friend didn't tell me about this as didn't want to cause drama.

The wedding itself is a 2 hour drive away and child free, me and DH will be staying in a hotel overnight. Plus she is having a night out for a 'home hen' which I am going to. Therefore surely I am not being unreasonable I have missed the abroad hen?!

First post nailed it.

Since when is a Hen Night a week-long holiday abroad, FFS? Talk about Main Character Energy—everyone must use a week of annual leave and a week of their annual holiday budget on a Hen Do?

I’m not going on SIL’s hen do- 3 nights away. Too much (time and money) when I have DC at home. Fortunately she understands.

I think you’re right and your friend will ‘get it’ if she has her own DC- this is no excuse though, she shouldn’t need to personally experience your situation in order to empathise.

I wouldn't go to any of it now

Some people are deluded, the bride and some posters…. Not making the effort?
How about unable to go into debt as can’t pay off
How about no child care/ kids’ needs etc
People need to put their size 9s in other people’s shoes, reflect and get some perspective
OP you’ve done nothing wrong, but may want to revisit this friendship given how bride reacted on her foreign hen week!

That's not a friend, that's a Bridzilla!!
I won't name names but xxxx had a hen do abroad, everyone invited but I couldn't go as my OH had lost his job so money was really tight for almost a year. Facebook photos looked like they had a really good time and I was actually pleased they had ...till she put on Facebook for everyone to see "thanks to all her friends and family that made the effort"

Oh and even though I had very little money, I was still helping them out (£100's every couple of months) when they were skint and half the time I just ended up writing the money off cos they couldn't afford to repay. But even though I'd done all that for them, it didn't stop her telling me a few months ago that I hadn't given them anything for their wedding
Least I know where I stand now and definitely won't be helping them out again.

This is all you need.

Not saying this is the case here but sometimes when you’re the last in your group to get married and have kids it can feel a bit like no one is that bothered anymore after you’ve spent equivalent amounts on their celebrations and children over the years.

Agree, @Puzzledandpissedoff

They've exhausted all other means of getting attention so now have to engineer the big white pageant and ancillary events

If people decide on such a ridiculous hen do then it's entirely reasonable for people not to attend without the bride to be getting upset about it in the slightest. Your friend sounds unbelievably entitled. I'd be very tempted to bin her. Holidays for hen dos are not a requirement for friends, they are for people who want to, and are able to go and have fun.

This ⬆️

I don't understand when it became acceptable to actually EXPECT others to stump up hundreds of pounds and significant holiday time for their 'all about me' parties.

Same here.
Don't go.
Bin it off, and her.

It's bonkers, isn't it? People have so much more disposable income nowadays, and so have no empathy for those who don't.
Hen nights used to be that - a night. A meal or a cocktail bar or similar. This is a holiday.

She's an adult. She needs to develop some understanding of others' situations and present appropriately.

Ah, we all think we are the centre of the universe, it can be painful to find out we are not. Yadnbu.

Wow she sounds very self obsessed, I'm sorry. How stressful for you.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong and you're not being unreasonable.

Grit your teeth and let it lie. When she has children of her own she'll understand much better.

I wouldn't be going to that wedding. Give her something to moan about. Ridiculous.

She’s being unreasonable but I’d probably just let it go. It can be hurtful when you’re the friend without kids and all your friendship group make it clear that you’ve fallen down their list of priorities.

It's not hurtful, it's life. Do a UK based event.

This is what I was thinking.
Many hen dos have become inflated in grandeur and cost in recent times. We have absorbed the hen/stag do abroad into our culture. I'm not sure all those brides-to-be quite realise that it's still a big ask because they've become so ubiquitous now. People do seem to expect it.

She's a nob.

Five nights AND a home hen? Bore off.

Bet she's divorced within the year.

Once the "bride / wedding" has worn off and she realises she's married

Oh for the days when all a bride chose to do was have a girly meal with a bottle of Babycham and wear a crap veil bought at Ann Summers.

No way I would do this for anyone - even my sister. My annual leave is precious and I need every single day for school hols, plus I couldn't spend that amount (considering the other wedding related expenses) when that money could go towards a family holiday.

We didn't have a holiday last year as finance didn't stretch so there's no way I'd be spending such a lot of money on a hen do.

And to top it all off I just wouldn't want to be away from my kids for that long.

Anyone who expects others to go abroad for days on end for their hen and then whinges when they can’t is a bit of a moron.