Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen party drama

76 replies

Orangelight23 · 30/12/2024 15:23

So my very good friend since childhood is getting married early next year. A 5 night holiday abroad was arranged in October for the hen party.

I declined the initial invite as 5 nights away from my 2 kids was a bit much really. I said to book without me and I would look to see if I could organise maybe 2 nights for myself.

I researched it and the cost for just the 2 nights was just too much really so I said unfortunately I wouldn't be going at all. All fine and nothing bad was said to me.

Fasrt forward to this weekend when we all had a Christmas get together. Bride to be was drunk and said I can't believe you didn't come to hen party, I would do anything for you and you just didn't bother. Apparently while they were away bride to be had an argument with my other friend as she was slagging me off and friend defended me saying I had good reason not to go. Now friend didn't tell me about this as didn't want to cause drama.

The wedding itself is a 2 hour drive away and child free, me and DH will be staying in a hotel overnight. Plus she is having a night out for a 'home hen' which I am going to. Therefore surely I am not being unreasonable I have missed the abroad hen?!

OP posts:
mitogoshigg · 30/12/2024 16:09

Any hen do that involves overnight accommodation (if you live in the same city as the hen) is unreasonable.

Meal, drinks, club, perhaps an afternoon activity then let participants opt in to the bits they can afford and logistically manage. We had a joint do in local lounge and people bought food and drinks as they wanted

BettyBardMacDonald · 30/12/2024 16:11

XWKD · 30/12/2024 16:03

You don't owe anyone the cost and inconvenience of whatever bullshit she wants to make her feel "special". It's vulgar narcissistic bullshit.

This x1000

Especially when they are far from ingenues and already live with/coparent with the groom.

Original poster
Orangelight23 · 30/12/2024 16:14

devilspawn · 30/12/2024 15:38

She's hurt and disappointed you decided not to go, and this is how the rejection is presenting itself.

Yes I think that's the case. I'm hoping it just blows over. I would have absolutely loved to have gone but some things just aren't feasible.

OP posts:
sHREDDIES19 · 30/12/2024 16:15

Truly embarrassed for her; she will learn in time what an entitled moron she is.

Planesmistakenforstars · 30/12/2024 16:16

"said I can't believe you didn't come to hen party, I would do anything for you". I'm going to assume that given the fact she had a 5 night abroad hen do, that she's saying this from a position of no kids, no health problems, and no financial insecurity. In which case she probably just doesn't get it, and is saying selfish dickwad things when she's drunk. YANBU, but if she's not otherwise an arsehole and is a good friend I'd be inclined to let it pass. You've at least found out that you do have another good friend who's there to defend you.

Original poster
Orangelight23 · 30/12/2024 16:18

Planesmistakenforstars · 30/12/2024 16:16

"said I can't believe you didn't come to hen party, I would do anything for you". I'm going to assume that given the fact she had a 5 night abroad hen do, that she's saying this from a position of no kids, no health problems, and no financial insecurity. In which case she probably just doesn't get it, and is saying selfish dickwad things when she's drunk. YANBU, but if she's not otherwise an arsehole and is a good friend I'd be inclined to let it pass. You've at least found out that you do have another good friend who's there to defend you.

Yes no kids or health concerns. Earns a good wage.

I will let it go and hope it doesn't come up again, if any kids come along I think she might realize quite quickly why I didn't go! 😂

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 30/12/2024 16:22

JimHalpertsWife · 30/12/2024 15:37

I'd have just said to her "come back to me when you've got two young kids and tell me then how you feel about leaving them for 5 days, or spending hundreds on something not for them".

This. Give it 4 years and she'll be knee deep in babies and toddlers and nursery fees and no sleep. Maybe, at that point , she'll phone you and apologise for being a knob.

HoppityBun · 30/12/2024 16:25

TTPDTS · 30/12/2024 15:28

Honestly I see both sides!

If it's a really good childhood friend, it would have been nice to make the effort to go even for a couple of nights. However she also needs to realise that spendy abroad hen dos that are basically holidays aren't going to have 100% attendance!

She shouldn't have been bitching though, but alcohol brings out the true opinions sometimes I find.

You're still making the effort to go to the "home hen" and wedding, which she should have appreciated.

It wasn’t a question of not “making an effort” though as the OP researched it and the cost for just the 2 nights was just too much really

CurbsideProphet · 30/12/2024 16:26

Even if I didn't have any children I would not spend the money and use the annual leave for a 5 day hen do.

Is she really a good friend to have said this to you?

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/12/2024 16:27

She's annoyed that you didn't appreciate the massive honour (in her eyes) of being invited to the highly-sought after 'abroad hen'.

KiraNerys1 · 30/12/2024 16:28

"oh don't worry, I'll come to the next one. Make sure it's closer this time"

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/12/2024 16:29

She is being completely unreasonable. If you want all your friends to come to your hen do you don't make it five nights abroad costing the best part of a grand.

GabriellaMontez · 30/12/2024 16:30

One of these women is your real friend. And it's not the bride.

SunshineAndFizz · 30/12/2024 16:31

TTPDTS · 30/12/2024 15:28

Honestly I see both sides!

If it's a really good childhood friend, it would have been nice to make the effort to go even for a couple of nights. However she also needs to realise that spendy abroad hen dos that are basically holidays aren't going to have 100% attendance!

She shouldn't have been bitching though, but alcohol brings out the true opinions sometimes I find.

You're still making the effort to go to the "home hen" and wedding, which she should have appreciated.

"Make the effort" 🙄

Would you be willing to pay for your good friend? Arrange help with childcare? It's not because she can't be arsed, it's because of money and leaving kids.

Iloveacurry · 30/12/2024 16:32

Who the fuck has a 5 night hen do abroad?! Totally unreasonable.

Applepoop · 30/12/2024 16:33

She sounds like a spoilt princess. Abroad, costly and you have little kids. Ridiculous.

Legoninjago1 · 30/12/2024 16:33

Absolutely ridiculous and totally self obsessed to have a five day international hen do ffs! Yanbu.

SunshineAndFizz · 30/12/2024 16:34

People go a bit mental when they're getting married. It's one of the most important times for them, and weirdly think it's also the most important thing for everyone else too.

A 5 day abroad hen is ridiculous. I was invited to several when I was in my 20s and 30s, I went to some and declined others. I'm in my 40s now and no one remembers who did or didn't go.

Berlinlover · 30/12/2024 16:36

I don’t have children and could afford to go to a five day hen but I still wouldn’t go. Destination hens and weddings are for the self absorbed, I’d rather holiday alone or with my partner.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2024 16:38

BettyBardMacDonald · 30/12/2024 16:09

Why does someone who already cohabits, has kids and a house with their boyfriend need a big wedding and multiple hens, at the expense of their friends???

It's not like they are entering into a big life transformation at that point. Anticlimax to say the least. Ho-hum for the guests.

Show quote history

I sometimes wonder if it's precisely because many already have the home and kids that they feel a need to create excitement elsewhere

Obviously I'm not arguing for a return to those days, but back when marriage marked starting a life together that was reason enough for excitement in itself, so maybe it's understandable if it doesn't now feel the same and couples look for something else to fill the gap?

JustSawJohnny · 30/12/2024 16:41

She's being a self-centred twat.

I'd be telling her so, together with not to slag you off behind your back and to remember this if she ever has kids as only then will she understand how much of a sacrifice it is to leave young kids for 5 days.

Not everyone has the support to be able to do that, OP. I certainly didn't, nor would I want to leave my son for 5 days for a mate unless it was an emergency.

AngelinaFibres · 30/12/2024 16:44

BettyBardMacDonald · 30/12/2024 16:09

Why does someone who already cohabits, has kids and a house with their boyfriend need a big wedding and multiple hens, at the expense of their friends???

It's not like they are entering into a big life transformation at that point. Anticlimax to say the least. Ho-hum for the guests.

Show quote history

It's validation. If lots of people turn up to your huge extravaganza and there are 5 million pictures to post on Insta ( with the bride in the middle looking fabulous) then she is everything the plastic fake world has led her to believe she must be. Heaven forbid that anyone should go out for a meal with 3 friends who have/ will see her through the good bits and the inevitable bad bits of her life. I've been married twice. I've never had a hen do. They are vile.
My husband's niece got married in Croatia years ago. Her husband to be had 2 children so she made it child free so they couldn't attend. The wedding was the first week of September. I was a teacher and my children were both in school. There was no way I could ask for time off after 6 weeks of summer holiday and no one who could have my children. A flight out on the Friday morning and back on the Sunday evening was £2,000. She didn't speak to us for months. The marriage lasted less than a year.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/12/2024 16:45

User346897543 · 30/12/2024 15:26

She's a selfish arsehole

First response nails it.

5foot5 · 30/12/2024 16:46

CurbsideProphet · 30/12/2024 16:26

Even if I didn't have any children I would not spend the money and use the annual leave for a 5 day hen do.

Is she really a good friend to have said this to you?

Yes, this.
Most people do not have unlimited finances or unlimited amounts of leave.

When I was working (retired now) I always had to plan carefully when to use my leave so there was enough for holidays, family commitments and a few days held on to for any emergencies.

I would resent someone assuming I could squander five precious days at their behest. And that's before we get to the cost.

Thank goodness when I and most of my contemparies married the norm was for one night out on the town, maybe with a meal out.

GinToBegin · 30/12/2024 16:49

Iloveacurry · 30/12/2024 16:32

Who the fuck has a 5 night hen do abroad?! Totally unreasonable.

It honestly boggles my mind. It’s not just the cost, anyone going would probably have to take three days of annual leave. And how the hell do you pass all that time away without wanting to maim someone?