DP going through phone

[loveydoveyloon]

I've just caught him out again!

It's getting to the point I am paranoid to leave my phone in the front room when I go to the toilet. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing on there to hide. But personal stuff like banking and text messages, I don't share with him cause quite frankly it's none of his business.

I got a text message about a bill the other day which i left on my home screen on purpose, when i came back down it was gone off the screen, which means someone has read it, then the day after he started asking how i never have any spare money and what's exactly do i spend my money on. In 12 years he has never paid an interest in what i spend my money on

If i change my passcode he will think I do have something to hide.

Change it and tell him that you don't appreciate him snooping.

Red flag

100% change it. This is invading your personal space and is disrespectful.

Change the password, he can't ask you why because he will out himself.
I wouldn't worry that he thinks you're hiding something, he's already crossing a line by snooping.

Change your password. And ask him why he’s worried about your spending.

Leave it out and then send yourself an email from another device saying 'stop fucking snooping, you nosy bastard'.

But this is really a huge invasion of privacy. I have no problems DH using my phone and vice versa, but sneaking a look at things and then using them to criticise you is bad behaviour. It would be a very big deal for me as it's not just a bit of natural curiosity but something he's weaponising.

I'd do this as well.
It's a massive red flag for me. I couldn't be with someone I didn't trust and vice versa.

I think things need addressing, I find it strange you don't share details of your bank or bills with your partner.

It's just something we have never done. We pay for everything 50/50 and the rest is our own. I don't ask what he spends his money on and what bills he has going out, and vice versa.

That way he can't challenge me when I go and buy a £120 lamp I want because we didn't need to replace the old one we had for 10 years (he is all for if it's not broken it doesn't need replacing) and the plate rack I spent £35 on which nearly gave his a coronary when i eventually let slip - his response was the last one was from the poundshop and there was nothing wrong with it. It's always worked out this way, or I would be living with the same wallpaper and black ash furniture we bought back in the day lol

Can you set it so you need a fingerprint to unlock your phone?

YANBU but if he's suspicious about anything, the popular opinion on MN seems to be it's fine to snoop.

I completely disagree though.

It's the Number One red flag of controlling behaviour and it's completely unacceptable.

You've been together for 12 years. Why don't you just ask him why he goes snooping through your phone?

If he denies it, gets angry, or any other aggressive reaction, then you need to seriously think about why you are willing to put up with living with a man like that.

And yes - definitely change the passcode to spell out NOSY.

I think it's disgraceful and the same goes for going into a handbag or opening letters.

DH and I have nothing to hide. We have never had a joint bank account and are not accountable to each other about our spends.

Tell him you change the password periodically because you have your bank details on your phone. The bigger issue is that he doesn't respect your privacy.

It doesn't have this option. It has Face ID. I tried to turn off the passcode so that you can only use face ID to log onto things but I don't think you can do that - I am a bit crap though when it comes to technology

He sounds like a vile controlling prick all round, to be honest. Why are you with him?

Why do you put up with this?

This. If he confronts you, tell him you don't appreciate his ignorance, ill manners, breach of privacy and lack of trust.

You could also point out that his actions are illegal.

DH and I can access each other’s phones and emails but we don’t without permission. I sent an email on DH’s behalf from his account yesterday but only because he asked me too. I don’t check his texts and WhatsApp messages and he doesn’t check mine. We might show each other but that is a choice.

I don’t challenge his day to day spending and he doesn’t challenge mine. We don’t have shared finances but we know what each other has saved and invested.

Your DP is out of line.

I’m not really understanding all the advice to just make it harder for him to snoop. It doesn’t address the actual issue - which is the snooping.

Have you asked him what the fuck he’s playing at? If not, then why not? This isn’t acceptable behaviour, so don’t accept it.

Change the passcode and tell him why.

This makes me think that he clearly has something to hide, himself.

Just change your passcode - don't worry about upsetting him, he obviously isn't worried about upsetting you is he.

I'd not let anyone have access to my phone because of the amount of personal/banking info there is on it never mind cards. That aside, his behaviour is unacceptable on so many levels.

Often people become paranoid about things like this when they themselves have something to hide. I'm not suggesting you look at his phone, but I wonder what you'd find if you did....

Err, just lock your screen with a passcode or face recognition? You know, just like almost everyone recommends you do, for security?

Watch out, though, OP as the man-haters/"red flag"/"divorce him" brigade will be out in force on here soon 😴😂

i get it’s horrible like your privacy has been invaded but Why don’t you gently ask him why he’s suddenly taken an interest in going through your phone? Maybe he’s paranoid for some reason and just needs reassurance.