DP going through phone

[loveydoveyloon]

I've just caught him out again!

It's getting to the point I am paranoid to leave my phone in the front room when I go to the toilet. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing on there to hide. But personal stuff like banking and text messages, I don't share with him cause quite frankly it's none of his business.

I got a text message about a bill the other day which i left on my home screen on purpose, when i came back down it was gone off the screen, which means someone has read it, then the day after he started asking how i never have any spare money and what's exactly do i spend my money on. In 12 years he has never paid an interest in what i spend my money on

If i change my passcode he will think I do have something to hide.

Are you seriously saying someone sneakily accessing your phone and checking on how you spend your own money and going through your messages and emails ISN'T a massive red flag?!! I think I'm pretty easy going but fucking hell 😲

I would be asking him but definitely not gently.

Face ID and regular password changes.

My DH started getting weird about money;asking how much everything was costing and how much money was in my account and started suggesting I find full time work (I work PT whilst caring FT for three disabled kids).

It turned out he's been mismanaging his money and had ran up a huge amount of credit card debt.

It always surprises me on MN that if men do this it's a "red flag", but when the woman does it "by accident", it's perfectly OK.

Maybe his spider senses were tingling...

But then the partner could say, like a grown up, that he suggests they share more financial details and whether they could exchange e.g. bank statements so each knows the other’s financial position. Snooping on the phone is not the way to address this.

This!

What is the scenario? Are you married? What ages? Do you have kids? Can you afford to live on your own?

I'd dump anyone who was spying on me and critiquing my choices.

^ Yes, this, really. Nobody, DH or DW, should snoop on their partner's phone - but if you are sharing your life then some discussion is necessary. I am stereotyping here but men often need a bit of structure to these things and so perhaps OP could suggest a regular household/planning meeting. It know this sounds a bit over-organised, but a couple I know do this every month - it clears the air and helps them to plan which is why they can afford more holidays than me 😭.

Maybe Google How To Leave A Nosey Cunt and leave it in your search history...

This. My DH and I are exactly the same. It's called respect. We always say, once bills are paid (between us) the rest is to do with as we wish. Never one word of criticism. Could not live any other way.

If this was a woman saying that her DH had been recieving messages about bills that need paying and that he wasn't happy that she'd looked at his phone and was going to change the password - everyone would be saying to LTB because he's definitely hiding something. And that phones shouldn't be kept private between partners!
In fact I was told I must have something to hide when I commented on one of those posts that my partner doesn't know my passcode to my phone or passwords to social media. I was accused by strangers of cheating on my partner, because apparently that's the only reason you wouldn't want your partner looking at your phone; he apparently had nothing to do with the fact that he doesn't want to know all those things!

So going by that - OP you must have something to hide!

Not according to Mumsnet who tell women to do it to their partners all the time!
Or is this another thing that is only acceptable if women do it and not when it's men doing it?

This would be an absolute hard red line for me.

I accidentally opened a letter addressed to Mr Monkey yesterday - it was just some publicity for an art gallery he is a member of but I was mortified and apologised immediately.

I’m not sure on snooping on each others phone, although I often use my husband’s phone for things and he mine and I don’t care what he sees. It’s just use the nearest device.

I find more you don’t share information with each other (bills / spending) or discuss high value purchases together. Each to their own but it must cause problems sometimes?
is he worried about lack of money of his or your side as his focus seems to be financial?

I went a way for a couple of days years ago and something I'd ordered arrived while I was away. It had been opened and I was very annoyed. Now exdh said he'd bought it as I didn't have any money (SAHM at the time) so he could open it! I said I'd used money from my bank account and in front of our dc he said I'd spent their money (child benefit).

Get a friend to send a text message saying what are you doing reading Xs phone?? Get your sticky beak out!! At a time he’s home, leave your phone out and go pootle in another room.

Hilarious 😂

I was thinking send a text to yourself saying:

'Billy I'm onto you, stop snooping ya nosey bastard'

Personally I think it's fine to snoop. Once. If you have suspicions.
I know my partners passcode but have never looked as 1. I have no suspicions and 2. Sometimes you see things you don't want to see eg he may have said something that I could take out of context.

I have previously been in a controlling relationship. Think trackers on my car, couldn't see my family etc and he went through my phone regularly. It made me a nervous wreck as he would dissect texts I had sent my sister about general chit chat and imply they were about him or other men. It was horrendous and more traumatic than the physical violence he later turned to.

Ask him what he has to look for and what his concerns are? If none then change passcode. Show him this thread if necessary.

Just change the PIN code, you should do this regularly anyway for security purposes. If he asks, that is your reason.
Pretty sure my DH had snooped on my mine, I changed my pin code and said nothing but he was definitely miffed around the same time that I changed it 😆

Surely you just say.
WHY ARE YOU GOING THRU MY PHONE ?
Then change the password (private) in front of him.
He won't ask why, he already knows

I would be more concerned about why he feels the need to snoop now - often it’s a sign they’re hiding something as well.

This is absolutely unacceptable.

Quite. Remarkable how women snooping through their partners phone is fine, but when a man does it it's a red flag.

Fuck that, OP.