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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can't help but be jealous

108 replies

Lemon92 · 29/12/2024 23:34

Im a single parent to one DD, she is nearly 5. Love her to bits but I do long for another DC and she wants a sibling too, she is always asking for one and she would love the company of a sibling. My Dfriend of many years is a single parent and has a 6 yr old, 3 yr old and a very new newborn. She is not with the girls father but she does go back with him to get pregnant so they all have the same dad and then they seperate when she gets the positive test. I can't help but be jealous in a way as I wish for more DC but I can't see it happening. I'm late 20s. Anyone know how I can get past this feeling?

OP posts:
RogueFemale · 29/12/2024 23:51

I'm the daughter of a single mother, an only child.

I hated not having a father, mother / normal family. And just being this miserably small 'family unit'. It was lonely and horrible.

The way you talk about how you want more kids is all about you, not the child's needs (neither DD nor potential future child).

Think about your DD's needs first and foremost, not envying how many kids your friend has had with a deadbeat dad, who treats her and his kids like shit, FFS. How you can envy this woman, I've no idea.

GreyBlackBay · 29/12/2024 23:57

Why can't you have another child? If you don't have the resources for one then that's an excellent decision. If it's just that you don't have a partner you could adopt or possibly get A I (I think there are ethical issues here but it is legal and available).

I realise PP had a poor time being from a single mum household but that's not the experience of ever child of a single mum. It certainly wouldn't stop you adopting.

Purgepossessions2025 · 30/12/2024 00:13

It sounds like your friend has another baby every time she is required to look for work? Is she on UC?

Original poster
Lemon92 · 30/12/2024 00:15

Purgepossessions2025 · 30/12/2024 00:13

It sounds like your friend has another baby every time she is required to look for work? Is she on UC?

Yes, she has not worked since having her oldest.

OP posts:
RogueFemale · 30/12/2024 00:19

Lemon92 · 30/12/2024 00:15

Yes, she has not worked since having her oldest.

Show quote history

Is that what you envy?

Purgepossessions2025 · 30/12/2024 00:20

Is your friend’s life the sort of future you envisage for your daughter?

Original poster
Lemon92 · 30/12/2024 00:20

This is what I worry about too, my DD being lonely, she notices all her friends have siblings so she keeps mentioning it now

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemon92 · 30/12/2024 00:21

Purgepossessions2025 · 30/12/2024 00:20

Is your friend’s life the sort of future you envisage for your daughter?

Growing up with close siblings I would like, the not working, no

OP posts:
Purgepossessions2025 · 30/12/2024 00:23

So if your DD ended up doing as your DF does in the future just to have siblings and to stay on benefits that’s a life for her you would encourage?

purpleme12 · 30/12/2024 00:23

I understand why you're jealous OP. I guess you're jealous because you know someone in this situation.

I'm single with one child too.

But there are many advantages to having one child. Put all your love on her and try to concentrate on your own life

RogueFemale · 30/12/2024 00:24

Lemon92 · 30/12/2024 00:20

This is what I worry about too, my DD being lonely, she notices all her friends have siblings so she keeps mentioning it now

I said before it was lonely being the daughter of a single mother. It wouldn't have been less lonely with a sibling. The absence was a loving father - with the emphasis upon 'loving'. Because of course I had a biological father, we all do. And mine was a piece of shit.

Browsing2023 · 30/12/2024 00:25

i am an only child and very happy to be one too. Your child does not need a sibling to be happy.

MabelMora · 30/12/2024 00:26

RogueFemale · 29/12/2024 23:51

I'm the daughter of a single mother, an only child.

I hated not having a father, mother / normal family. And just being this miserably small 'family unit'. It was lonely and horrible.

The way you talk about how you want more kids is all about you, not the child's needs (neither DD nor potential future child).

Think about your DD's needs first and foremost, not envying how many kids your friend has had with a deadbeat dad, who treats her and his kids like shit, FFS. How you can envy this woman, I've no idea.

Eh? You say how much you hated being the only child of a single mother because it was 'lonely and horrible' then berate the OP for wanting to have another child when the OP literally says, '...and she wants a sibling too, she is always asking for one and she would love the company of a sibling.' She clearly is thinking of her daughter.

RogueFemale · 30/12/2024 00:30

MabelMora · 30/12/2024 00:26

Eh? You say how much you hated being the only child of a single mother because it was 'lonely and horrible' then berate the OP for wanting to have another child when the OP literally says, '...and she wants a sibling too, she is always asking for one and she would love the company of a sibling.' She clearly is thinking of her daughter.

Show quote history

Read my second post where I say "I said before it was lonely being the daughter of a single mother. It wouldn't have been less lonely with a sibling. The absence was a loving father - with the emphasis upon 'loving'. Because of course I had a biological father, we all do. And mine was a piece of shit."

And I'm not berating the OP, I'm trying to point out the reality as opposed to the fantasy of her friend who has three kids with a man who takes no responsibility.

YourGladSquid · 30/12/2024 00:40
Awkward Oh No GIF by CBC

She is not with the girls father but she does go back with him to get pregnant so they all have the same dad and then they seperate when she gets the positive test.

I… is this a common thing? I don’t think there’s anything here to be jealous about lol

MumblesParty · 30/12/2024 00:53

RogueFemale · 29/12/2024 23:51

I'm the daughter of a single mother, an only child.

I hated not having a father, mother / normal family. And just being this miserably small 'family unit'. It was lonely and horrible.

The way you talk about how you want more kids is all about you, not the child's needs (neither DD nor potential future child).

Think about your DD's needs first and foremost, not envying how many kids your friend has had with a deadbeat dad, who treats her and his kids like shit, FFS. How you can envy this woman, I've no idea.

Did you miss the bit where OP said her daughter wanted a sibling?

edit - I see you’ve commented on this. It sounds as if your childhood was generally unhappy, possibly for a variety of reasons.

ShortyShorts · 30/12/2024 00:56

MumblesParty · 30/12/2024 00:53

Did you miss the bit where OP said her daughter wanted a sibling?

edit - I see you’ve commented on this. It sounds as if your childhood was generally unhappy, possibly for a variety of reasons.

Edited
Show quote history

And next week she might want a kitten 🤷‍♀️

Kids wanting siblings or not, should never make part of the adult's decision.

Kids are flaky little fuckers sometimes 😉

MumblesParty · 30/12/2024 00:57

ShortyShorts · 30/12/2024 00:56

And next week she might want a kitten 🤷‍♀️

Kids wanting siblings or not, should never make part of the adult's decision.

Kids are flaky little fuckers sometimes 😉

Show quote history

Poor OP can’t win. Chastised for thinking of what she wants herself, then told to ignore her child’s wishes as kids change their minds every day!

BettyBardMacDonald · 30/12/2024 01:16

RogueFemale · 29/12/2024 23:51

I'm the daughter of a single mother, an only child.

I hated not having a father, mother / normal family. And just being this miserably small 'family unit'. It was lonely and horrible.

The way you talk about how you want more kids is all about you, not the child's needs (neither DD nor potential future child).

Think about your DD's needs first and foremost, not envying how many kids your friend has had with a deadbeat dad, who treats her and his kids like shit, FFS. How you can envy this woman, I've no idea.

This x 100000

BettyBardMacDonald · 30/12/2024 01:19

People who want to provide a stable multi-child household for their offspring hold out until those circumstances are achievable.

Unfortunately that shop has sailed. Make the best of existing circumstances. Don't compound the errors.

RogueFemale · 30/12/2024 01:35

MumblesParty · 30/12/2024 00:57

Poor OP can’t win. Chastised for thinking of what she wants herself, then told to ignore her child’s wishes as kids change their minds every day!

Show quote history

OP 'longs' for more kids and is irrationally 'jealous' of her friend with more kids than her. This jealousy seems to motivate her longing [to have babies with men who don't care about her or the baby].

Completely separately, OP's 4 yo DD says she wants a sibling. There's a fair chance that wish has been expressed as a result of OP asking, ooh, wouldn't you like a baby sister, or whatever to DD and her saying yes mummy.

On what planet is it a great idea for @Lemon92 to get pregnant with a random bloke and have another baby?

RogueFemale · 30/12/2024 01:43

YourGladSquid · 30/12/2024 00:40

She is not with the girls father but she does go back with him to get pregnant so they all have the same dad and then they seperate when she gets the positive test.

I… is this a common thing? I don’t think there’s anything here to be jealous about lol

Yes, it's just awful, like a puppy farm.

FluDog · 30/12/2024 03:16

DM was a single mother the majority of the time myself, DB and DSis were growing up.

Given our ages DM spent her 20s, 30s and 40s being a parent before anything else. DB was a complete pain in the arse. All we did was fight. The majority of the time DM didn't work and benefits only go so far. She found it very difficult.

I would be careful what you wish for.

PickledElectricity · 30/12/2024 03:24

Your friend's situation is nothing to envy. Statistically if she's living in poverty her children will too and have lower attainment in life. The absence of a father who comes in every few years like a bull for breeding is going to cause confusion and probably resentment in the children as they get older and understand what's happening. It all sounds very crass.

Are you dating/looking for a partner?

Children should not sway your decision to have more children, they don't understand what they're saying fully, they just think ooh I'd like a live-in play mate who will do everything I say.

ParsnipPuree · 30/12/2024 06:12

The chances you'll give your dd another sibling are high because you're still so young. You just need to put a lot of work into making sure it's with the right person, as that will dictate your family's happiness.

I was in your position though, and had another one to give my dd a sibling, despite at the time not knowing her dad was having a long term affair.
Now divorced and remarried but here's the thing.. my kids have nothing in common with eachother whatsoever and couldn't be less close. There are never any guarantees.