Can't help but be jealous

[Lemon92]

Im a single parent to one DD, she is nearly 5. Love her to bits but I do long for another DC and she wants a sibling too, she is always asking for one and she would love the company of a sibling. My Dfriend of many years is a single parent and has a 6 yr old, 3 yr old and a very new newborn. She is not with the girls father but she does go back with him to get pregnant so they all have the same dad and then they seperate when she gets the positive test. I can't help but be jealous in a way as I wish for more DC but I can't see it happening. I'm late 20s. Anyone know how I can get past this feeling?

This sounds like a bizarre setup. What is her exs role in all this ? Why on earth would he agree to this and why would she want this ? You are young and have plenty of time to meet someone in the future and have a baby. And even if you don’t your dd will be fine.

I agree. I would question the mindset of someone who aspires to this.

I wouldn't base this decision on your DD wanting a sibling. My oldest loves being the oldest, middle hates having siblings at all and youngest begs for another so he isn't the youngest. You'll never please everyone.

If you want more children, do you want that in a relationship? Maybe you could prioritise making some time for you to date and see how that goes?

I was a single parent for a while, bits of it are amazing but most of it is lonely and a scary slog of knowing every chore and decision rests with you. It's not clear from your post if you have always been a single mum or you had a partner who wasn't great. Sharing parenting with someone who is present and invested is a different world.

Children are a blessing, but being a single unemployed parent to 3 kids is hard, and I’m shocked you envy that.

id understand if you were envious of those single mums in a good career, financially stable or affluent, , or in a stable loving relationship etc. but of an unemployed work shy woman who has multiple kids , should never be seen a aspirational. And it’s sad you think it is.

Children are a blessing

I hate this blanket term. You are making the assumption that every woman wants a child.

They are only a blessing if you want them. For some people they aren't a blessing at all.

Stick to the one child and focus on educating her so she never for one moment has your limited and depressing aspirations.

Could you maybe try to expand your social life a bit, meet people in happy, functional relationships. If you are going to waste time feeling envy, it should at least be aimed at someone who isn't a total train wreck.

Find other single mothers with only children, go on day trips and holidays with them so the kids have a cousin like bond. Prioritise this over finding a man, it will be more rewarding!

You're only in your late 20s! I have 3 kids and I hadn't even met my husband at your age. You've got plenty of time to grow your family - I would focus on enjoying life with your daughter and all the other good things in it, and see what happens :)

Sounds like a grass is greener situation.

Even if she had a sibling that doesn't mean they would get along. She would be at least 6 years old at that time. Growing up, they would have little in common with each other, particularly going through teenage years.

This feels more like a wanting a dog situation and being bored with it in a few weeks time.

Doesn't seem to be much grass on either side

I'm jealous of a lot of people but this woman I would not be jealous of op and I'm not sure why you are. Must be fucking hard work being a single parent to 3 kids!!!

Come on, you'd have to have the intelligence of an amoeba to go through pregnancy, childbirth and the next 18+ years parenting a child on the whim of a 5 year old! 🤦‍♀️

You are still really young and there’s every chance that you will have more children in the future. I have an 8 year age gap between my two and didn’t even have my first until early 30s. The age gap for mine was something I feared but it has been is great. I also have friends who have 14 year age gaps and their children adore one another!

Your friend’s situation sounds far from ideal. I would spend this time cherishing the closeness with your child, building up your career and your self esteem and looking to the future. In my fifties now, I see just how destructive my envy was and how pointless! Couples I was so jealous of have divorced, families I desperately envied have kids who don’t get on- comparison really is the thief of joy- don’t let it spoil this golden time of independence with your child. You’re a little team and can have the best adventures!

She is not with the girls father but she does go back with him to get pregnant so they all have the same dad and then they seperate when she gets the positive test.

Just when I thought I'd heard it all. Gross.

Being a single parent of a 6, 3 and newborn DC is nothing to envy.

You're only late twenties, you have about a decade in which to meet a nice man and potentially have another DC. Keep your standards high.

Well said. You're getting so many angry responses! I guess you've pinched some hot pink barbie bubbles around here...

I find it jarring that some of the comments here even suggest taking in consideration what a 4yo thinks with regards to having another child: excuse me what???
Is letting children bear the burden of lifelong decisions that pertain only to the adults now acceptable?

So basically he rarely sees the oldest and second child. (6 and 3 year old). He was at their birth but they were not actually together. They separated as soon as the positive test came and he sees them rarely and makes excuses. Apparently he didn’t even get them any Christmas presents. The new baby, he wasn’t present at the birth. My friend is happy with the arrangement because they don’t work as a couple and apparently he’s not a nice person but she knows him and whenever she wants more children, she just goes back to him until she gets pregnant and he’s ok with it too.

Jesus. Poor kids.

She plans to go back to the girls dad to get pg, then finishes with him when shes preg?!

I actually don't believe for a second that this is as planned out as shes making it to be

She is encouraging people to believe she is in control of her situation when no one in their actual right mind would aspire to be a single parent of three on universal credit - jesus christ, does your friend think people are that guilliable

Her life is spiralling and she is living in her head, imagining shes got control when she has not

Honestly op the more you tell us the more I'm flabbergasted that you're jealous. Sounds like a shit life to me. Out of everyone you know and associate with, is this the pinnacle of success?

I think your dear friend is delusional in many ways and you should steer clear of her and her toxic shit.

She says it's because she wants more children, she's always dreamed of having 3, her relationship with their father doesn't work, yet she hasn't been able to meet anyone else and she wants more children and wants them to have the same dad, so goes back to him for this reason.

That is awful op. I wouldn’t be jealous at all. Would you want a life like that for your dd growing up ? Siblings aren’t everything my dh doesn’t even see his siblings at all and they are close in age.

Also, it does seem to be the working thing, as I know you are required to look for work when the child turns 3 and she has had a child every 3 years since her first. I know she has had some bad experiences in her previous job 6 years ago, and she said she just wants to me a mum and be with her children

I don’t know if this will help, but my only Dd wanted a sibling when she was about the same age. However as she grew older and she could see her friends who have siblings and how different their family dynamics were she started appreciating being an only.

i would suggest you try concentrating on the advantages of an only. I found the following:

She could have friends around more often and her/our days could be more orientated to what two girls of similar age like. Watching two friends having a great time doing what they like, giggling and laughing and having the best time ever (as there are no limitations on having to fit in younger siblings) is just so lovely.

Plus when they get return play dates - you become entirely child free for a day/weekend (as they get older). Then there’s just a bit more money to go around and it’s easier to treat her friend to days out.

My Dd is now married to another only child and they plan to only have one child themselves.