AIBU to think 41 is too old to have a baby.

[Newtothisplace]

Hi MN, I’m 41. I have 24 YO DD. I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. When we got together I was quite clear very early on I I didn’t want any more children, ( I nearly died last time and would not put myself through that again) which he was fine with. Subject has never come up again until now. Quite a lot of our friends have been having kids at 38-42 ish so our group have been asking when we will. So he’s now asking if we should. My stance remains unchanged. I like my life as it is. Those of our friends who have had kids at this age are knackered and seem to have aged 10 years over night. For me the thought of doing that now is nuts.

The title of this thread is unreasonable.
But you are not unreasonable to not want another baby. You do not have to justify it at all. You do not have to say that "41 is too old to have a baby"
All you need to say is that YOU do not feel you would be able to cope with having another baby at this stage in your life.

Many 41yo women have babies absolutely fine.

You don't need to say 41 is too old in general because that isn't true. However it doesn't alter that you feel it's too old for you, and that's perfectly valid. No one should be pressuring you to have a baby at any age for any reason.

My son is 22 this may im 38.
Yes i had him young wouldn't change it for anything.
My sister had a baby at 42 with a 18 year age gap she as found it hard this tine round her words not not mine was( i was looking at the now not the later) .
But going back to the start of the baby stage no thanks.
Im loving my freedom.
I dont think id want to be parenting in to my 50s 60s.
However lots do and thats there choice.

This. Also having to be a carer potentially in your teens or 20's for your older parents.
65 is medically considered elderly.

It’s not really a case of age though, it’s really comes down to you not wanting another. I don’t think I’d want to going into my 50s with teens too especially if I never really wanted another

It’s all very well to backtrack now and say your were only talking about your own experience but your thread title is not

“AIBU to think that 41 is too old for me to have a baby?”

and your subsequent post says

as a teenager I had a mum who was 60, it’s not fun.

not “it was not fun”, or “I didn’t find it fun.”

You are an educated and professionally-accomplished woman, you clearly know how to write. You are making goady generalist statements for clicks.

MN are always twats about older parents. And younger ones!

NO.

I was born to a 41 year old mum

My great gran had 5 kids OVER the age of 40. There is no way I can agree with your thread title OP. YABU.

Meh people sit around debating whether the 20s or 30s are the best time to have kids. My mother had three children one born in her 10s and the other two in her 40s all of us are healthy and now adults and she's still going strong and healthy.

I guess the main argument against having a child at 41 is you wont get as long with them but you can die at any age

You are not being unreasonable to say you don't want another child. But you are being unreasonable to say 41 is too old for other people to have a child.

My great nan her last at 47 - YABU

I don’t think 41 is too old for other people to have a child. I think it’s too old for me to have a child.

@Justforfun123 my grandma used to say there was no right age to have a child.

@Jumell I was also born to a 41 year old and personally didn’t find it fun at all for me.

What everyone else said. Too old objectively? No. Too old for you in your circumstances? Yes.

I'm not yet 40 and I am D-O-N-E done with the nappies and tantrum stage. A friend had her only at gone 50 and is a fabulous mother.

When I was 41 someone I went to school with was having her first (only) child and at the same time another of our classmates became a granny for the first time. I wouldn’t have swapped with either of them for worlds!

This is a regular topic on mumsnet isn't it. I think the only response, regardless of whether we are talking about a 23 year old or a 43 year old, is...

-Do you want to have a child?
-Are you able to have a child (emotionally, physically and financially)?

I think in the OP case the answers appear to be NO, which is fair enough.

Often these threads are depressing reads. Women judging other women for bearing children outside of someone's arbitrary idea of the "right" age. I had my son at 38, no doubt meaning his 40s will be spent shuttling me to dementia appointments and wringing his hands at the lack of competent free childcare!

I'm not laughing at people who have experienced this, but it's not always the case you know. I definitely look after myself as best as I can in the hope I have a healthy old age.

@OrangutanDaisies It's absolutely fine. I go running with my dc every week, I'm still working F/T, have plenty of hobbies and a social life of my own. DC & friends keep me aware of changing trends but I don't feel the need to slavishly follow them. Plus 3 out of 4 grandparents are around and all are living independently.

It's sad if you disagree but I don't think you should do it if you feel like this.

100% this. I have friends who were early 40s having their first because that's just how life played out. I'm in my early 40s now with teens and would not want to start at the baby years again.

I don’t think it’s too old but you know your body / mind and know if it’s something you want to put yourself through again or not.
I’m 43 and wouldn’t want to do it again for various reasons. I think you just know when that ship has sailed.

The problem is not age. You just don’t want another child and that is the only reason you need. I know women older than 41 happily having children and that is their decision. If you don’t want another child it really does not matter whether you are 25, 32 or 41.

You just don’t want one.

I had a baby at 42 within a long marriage after my husband suddenly decided that he wanted to be a father having never wanted children. He left me when son was 2 and no longer has contact with him because OW wanted rid. I have no regrets having my son, he's a beautiful child and I adore him but there is no doubting the whole thing dropped a bomb on my life and it will never be the same. In your situation, I wouldn't do it, no.

@TheFormidableMrsC That's unbelievably shitty of him but I suppose there's always a risk.

Which is what I said, so why are you lecturing me?

why not address the person I quoted??

It might not have been "choice", could have been down to lack of contraception etc. Or also men being away during the war and then coming back.