AIBU to think 41 is too old to have a baby.

[Newtothisplace]

Hi MN, I’m 41. I have 24 YO DD. I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. When we got together I was quite clear very early on I I didn’t want any more children, ( I nearly died last time and would not put myself through that again) which he was fine with. Subject has never come up again until now. Quite a lot of our friends have been having kids at 38-42 ish so our group have been asking when we will. So he’s now asking if we should. My stance remains unchanged. I like my life as it is. Those of our friends who have had kids at this age are knackered and seem to have aged 10 years over night. For me the thought of doing that now is nuts.

Agreed. This is where age plays a relevant factor for me, as a teenager I had a mum who was 60, it’s not fun.

This.

I had a baby at 40. All planned etc. I don't think I was too old. The main point is, I wanted the baby. It doesn't sound like you want anymore, regardless of how old you are.

First post nailed it.

First answer nailed it- is only too old for you because you have committed to not having another- for a first time mother or someone who feels ready for another I think it’s ok as long as they’re in good health

I know people who have but for me personally, it would be too old. Each to their own though.

I had my third at 41 but at the time my older two were preschoolers. No way would I have a child at 41 if I already had an adult child. So I can completely see why youdon't want to repeat your parenting journey.

Is 41 too old to have a baby? For many, many women the answer is "no".

But it doesn't matter what is right or wrong for others. You don't want another baby. You discussed this with your husband 10 years ago. Decision made.

If your DH is tempted, maybe show him a selection of threads on here from new parents. Or birth stories.

I’m surprised that you have started a thread with a goady/inflammatory title that will inevitably touch nerves for many people who have had children in their forties, especially when you have friends doing exactly that.

Your real question is whether you should have a baby at your specific stage in life. Shame you had to resort to a clickbait approach when seeking advice on what sounds like quite a tricky dilemma.

That said, I am really pleased that so many people instantly replied in a calm and balanced way to the effect that it is your circumstances that are relevant, not your age.

For what it’s worth, 41 was not to old for me to conceive my first child and no, I did not age 10 years overnight, thanks.

However, my decision was based on motherhood vs never being a mother. That’s not relevant to you.

This. There really isn't any too old/its fine at your age.

he entitled to have changed his mind and ask how you feel & he's entitled to decide if he wants to stay with you & not have children or whether he wants follow the path of meeting someone else who wants children.

you're entitled to say no, you've not changed your mind. Then accept the consequences.

im not sure people tell the truth when asked, but still might be worth a serious conversation.

Your age is irrelevant - you just don't want another baby. So you don't have one.
But if anyone needs to convince you about age..... just imagine having a teenager in your late 50s.... not fun!

He has every right to change his mind. He has every right to ask his wife & if the answer is no either accept that or get divorced.

Maybe for you. Plenty of women do have kids in their 40s. My mum was 41. I think my family are quite unusual as my Nan had my auntie at 40. Which was quite unusual in the 1940s. Her husband was younger too. But now it's really quite common. My mate had hers at 39 and 41.

YANBU at all for not wanting another child, and sticking to your stance.

You definitely shouldn’t have a child if you don’t want to.

It’s not too late for everyone. My SIL has just had her first child at 49 (with my DB who is 42 but I mean he didn’t give birth, obviously). They’d been trying for many years and had all kinds of tragic losses so amazing for them.

I think it makes a difference if it’s your first too - if you’ve also had a baby young, you’re unlikely to want to go back to the beginning.

Seriously, if you want to retain any sympathy at all on this thread, stop generalising. Your mum being 60 for you when you were a teen was not fun. Fine, that’s your lived experience.

(oh and didn’t your lived experience as a teenager involve having a child yourself? Maybe a bit more going on there than just having a Mum in her sixties…)

That does not mean that no woman in her sixties can be a good (and fun) mother to a teenager. What do you want me to do, put my child up for adoption by a younger woman? Wring my hands with guilt about how awful his teens will be? And I’m sure your friends will be delighted to know what you think about their futures as mothers.

Well yes, of course he’s entitled to want it.

But the options you set out are correct.

What he’s not entitled to do is go on about it, try to wear the OP down etc. If he can’t just accept it, it’s up to him to initiate divorce, not leave it to her to realise things are over after months/ years of weedling etc

If you don't want a baby then you don't and you have been clear about it with your DH so him suddenly wanting one because of others doing it is just something he needs to get over with.

I had mine at 39 and 42. At 46, I'm by no means "knackered" and don't think I've "aged 10 years overnight". If you don't want to have a child you shouldn't though.

I agree that 41 is too old for anyone to have a baby, even for those who haven't already had children, but that's obviously just my opinion. In your case it is definitely too old as you've made yourself clear that you don't want any more from day one and you already have an adult child. I'm a bit older and personally can't imagine anything worse than starting again with a new baby, it would be my worst nightmare, especially given that the odds of having a child with healt issues is higher. Stick to your guns.

Well stand your ground then. It's got nothing to do with your hypothetical question (and we have countless, at least monthly threads on this subect on MN) and everything to do with your wishes.

I has my kids at 40 and 42. I dont think I was too old but it is hard and definitely aged me. I wouldn't have done it had I been able to conceive at a younger age or if I had a huge gap.between children.

I what matters most is you don't want another baby. Its not about your age. Realistically, if you have another the buck stops with you. As women we usually end up being the ones left holding the baby and sacrificing. If that's not what you want make sure your using protection.

My mum was in her 60’s as a teenager, she was great. Maybe your mum was not as ‘fun’, as her 17 year old daughter had a baby that she was presumably helping to raise?

It was actually really common in the 1940s.

Fertility among women aged 40-44 peaked in 1947 at 19 births per thousand women in England and Wales. In 2010 the number was 13. In between, fertility among older women declined, reaching a low of four births per thousand women aged 40-44 in 1977. These trends can partly be explained by the fact that families were larger than they are today and women spent a greater part of their lives bearing children. In the 1940s around 75% of births to women over 40 were to mothers who already had at least two children. In 2010, by contrast, 61% of births to women in their forties were first or second children.

Your subject line isn't really accurate @Newtothisplace

You're asking if you are too old at 41 to have a 2nd baby when you also have a 24 year old adult child.

Big difference to a woman of 41 wanting a first baby.

I have a colleague who had a baby at 41 simply because she didn't meet Mr Right till later in life.

I don’t think 41 is too old to have a baby.

Bit I can see that having a 24yo and having ‘done it already’, starting again isn’t very attractive.

Don't do it. You don't want it or it'd be you saying let's have a baby.
I have secondary infertility and spent my 30s trying to conceive. It never happened and now peri menopause symptoms have arrived, the greys have sprouted and I'm starting to feel my age I'm so glad it didn't happen at 39! Who wants to be the 50 year old mum at the primary school gates. No thank you.