AIBU to think 41 is too old to have a baby.

[Newtothisplace]

Hi MN, I’m 41. I have 24 YO DD. I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. When we got together I was quite clear very early on I I didn’t want any more children, ( I nearly died last time and would not put myself through that again) which he was fine with. Subject has never come up again until now. Quite a lot of our friends have been having kids at 38-42 ish so our group have been asking when we will. So he’s now asking if we should. My stance remains unchanged. I like my life as it is. Those of our friends who have had kids at this age are knackered and seem to have aged 10 years over night. For me the thought of doing that now is nuts.

I have friends in the North East where I grew up who are 40-42 and have had kids at that age who haven’t aged at all, some look younger than they did in their 20s. Our collective group of friends down South where we live who keep asking have (all high stress, high level jobs, not wanting anything to give).

I did. I am. It’s fine.

@Newtothisplace

This type of thread comes up regularly on MN, and you will get all sorts of opinions and views. But IMO, no WAY would I be 'trying for a baby' at 41. There are so many reasons to not have babies in your mid 40s that it would take me 10 minutes to list them all!

Do you really want to have a child still at school when you're 60?! I'm knocking the door of 60, and recoil in horror at the thought of a school age child/ teenager still being at school/living at home right now. Mine flew the nest over a decade ago, and are now in their late 20s, with their own home, a partner, and a successful career.

And you already have a 24 y.o. and want to go through it all again, from scratch??? Dear God ... Noooooooo! 😱

It's not that you are 41, it is that you don't want any more children. That is enough reason in itself.

Regardless of age, you don’t want another baby. So don’t have one!

It’s something that’s always been understood between you and your husband so don’t change now just because some of your peers are doing it. I’m mid 40s with teenagers, the thought of going back to the baby and toddler years now is horrifying.

We all have different experiences of any parent old and young. No she didn’t, she had a very high level career and was mainly absent as her career was her primary focus, as long as I got A Grades she wasn’t bothered. I had my daughter the summer between years 12 and 13. My grandma had her during the day, her dad and I were expected by both of our parents to do everything else and we did. I moved out of my mums at 18.

@OliviaBenson101 wow, thank you. I'm really surprised by that. I always thought it was less common, because I thought back then women married younger and had kids quite quickly if they could. How much of that was the woman's choice I don't know.
Thank you for enlightening me. 😄

Do you really want to have a child still at school when you're 60?! I'm knocking the door of 60, and recoil in horror at the thought of a school age child/ teenager still being at school/living at home right now

Genuinely, what’s so awful about that?

You don’t want one so don’t have one.

Really very simple by the sounds of it.

I'm 42 and there's no way in hell I'd want another now. I have 2 dcs 22 and 18 so been there, done that. I don't have the energy I had back then

This. I had my youngest at 42 no issues and he is a delight.

It's okay if circumstances so far mean you couldn't have them yet, but it's not biologically optimal and I think having kids at 38+ when you already have them, or because you just put it off to further your career is selfish and not putting the health of your potential child first, mental or physical.

I don't think I'd want to do it again at your age having just got your freedom back! Different for someone who hasn't yet been a parent or is already in the pre school stage. Did you have much help with childcare with your DD? As I'd imagine your parents would be getting too old to help out now? I've had no help with childcare and I'm counting down the years to freedom in all honesty, it is a bit relentless. But both of mine are ND (which baby would be at higher risk of with your age).

Me too, so much agism on this thread. Fair enough if you don't want to do it but others have with wonderful results.

It was very common before contraception anyway to have late babies. Nothing wrong with it at all.

Were your older children teens or adults though? It’s one thing having a subsequent child in your 40s when you’re already deep in the phase of having young children. Starting all over again is completely different.

@Newtothisplace Ah, I completely understand that. I had a friend who tried to do it all and she just ended up making herself really unhappy. Back at work within weeks of birth and just came to resent it all. I made the mistake of calling myself a fulltime mum and I thought she was going to tear me limb from limb (it was a fairly idiotic thing to say, in hindsight).

You seem to know what you want and have been clear about that. Also, I had 2 miscarriages between my pregnancies, so it certainly isn't all sunshine and roses. Sounds like DH is suddenly getting a case of fear of missing out.

More were 10 and 7 so are amazing with him. But yes, was just saying that it's clearly not right for the OP as she doesn't want it. However it's not a blanket thing as some of the horrified responses on here indicate. Just popping in with a positive response really. He keeps me young and engaged in life.

OP I can emphasise. I'm nearly 41, partner of 4 years is 44. He's never had children, I have two young teens. He's always wanted kids but his ex couldn't have children so he accepted that. When we started dating I was very clear, no more kids, he said he would love them but had made peace with the fact he wouldn't. Every now and again he mentions it and I will admit I get a bit broody. I'd love the chance to do it again, with a loving, supportive partner this time, to fully enjoy it. But.. I love my life now. I love the time we have as us, the trips we can go on with the older kids and having some very rare, me time. So if you were asking about having your first baby at 40 I'd say go for it. Having a 2nd or 3rd with a big age gap, and a different dad... no!
My mum did this and it was awful for her and the child. My exH has done this and he's struggling because of his age but also the impact on our older 2 kids makes me sad... they don't get to do anything for them anymore, instead my 14 year old gets dragged to soft play at weekends and gets no time with his dad

Oh, it's the weekly let's shit on on other people's decisions when to have a baby thread. How lovely.

Sorry was trying to respond to this but failed 😄

Its not too old, but it’s clearly not the right thing for you.

I don’t get all the arguing about the right age. Every age has its pros and cons, some individual some societal.

It’s not
too old by default, it’s all
about your specific situation! The key here is you don’t want another child. End of discussion, surely.

Thanks for this as I know my family wasn't rare at my primary school in the 80s but then I come from a big family and so did the others. This is even though we were children of the low birth rate era.

It's not rare now with the women I work amongst though most only have 1 child like me if they are are an older mother.

What's rare now but coming more common is children or more likely a child in different types of families. I personally started seeing people having more stereotypical families in my 30s and some of the kids my DD now goes to school with in a small school are in them.

@HotCrossBunplease

There is no intention to be inflammatory. I don’t think I am being unreasonable to believe that 41 (for me) is too old. For example, 17 was far too young for me to have a child.

I have friends in their 40s having their first child and second yes. I have friends in their 40s who don’t want kids. I have friends in their 40s with kids of all ages.

A stage of life is a good way to look at it, but everyone is at different stages. My stage at 41 is different from others, as was my stage at 17, and age is/was relevant to both and all stages of my life.

Whatever is posted on Mumsnet will always bring varying opinions.

My mum, being 60 when I was a teenager, was not fun. That’s my experience, not a generalised statement. My lived experience as a teenager did involve me having a child myself at 17. Yes, it also involved me nearly dying during childbirth, which the Drs at the time put my survival down to being young and fit. It also involved putting myself through uni, co-parenting my daughter, climbing the corporate ladder, and putting her through medical school. I wouldn’t say my late teens or early to mid-20s were fun.

My friends are well aware of my life experiences. It’s not reflective of what I think of them as parents. Older parents arguably are more stable, more financially secure, etc

Too old for me as I had my first at 20 and second at 30 - and I want to spend my 40s and 50s with children that are grown up - I’m done with babies. But it’s just because I feel like I’ve always been a mum and need some “me time”. So something crazy will have to happen to change my mind. Seems like it is not the right decision for you because you are settled.

But I know plenty of people who have children in their 40s because they don’t mind or it’s the right time to have their first.

It’s all up to you really.