AIBU to think 41 is too old to have a baby.

[Newtothisplace]

Hi MN, I’m 41. I have 24 YO DD. I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. When we got together I was quite clear very early on I I didn’t want any more children, ( I nearly died last time and would not put myself through that again) which he was fine with. Subject has never come up again until now. Quite a lot of our friends have been having kids at 38-42 ish so our group have been asking when we will. So he’s now asking if we should. My stance remains unchanged. I like my life as it is. Those of our friends who have had kids at this age are knackered and seem to have aged 10 years over night. For me the thought of doing that now is nuts.

As a child of an older parent (they were early 40s, I am now the same age, personally in my experience it is too old. It's horrible dealing with ageing parents who need help with everything (care/carers, appointments, household things, dealing with illness, dementia) when you are in your 30s and 40s and trying to live your life. They're too old/unwell to help with grandchildren and need so much help.

You're unreasonable even to be asking us, given what you've said. No woman should have a child at any age if she isn't 100% committed to the idea. And no woman should have a child she does not want simply because her partner wants one.

At 31 I’d have had a fair discussion on it with my husband.

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All depends on the person.
I have a friend who is 42 and pregnant with baby no 3 had baby no 1 at 38. They waited till later in life.
I have another friend who had baby no 5 at 39. she's knackered though the other 4 helped as they were aged 22 to 12. She became a grandmother 5 days before baby no5.

I'm a little younger that you and I'm done. Couldn't imagine doing it again, don't want to do it again.
I could be a nana in 12 months if DD has a child same age as me!
Atleast with a DGC i will be able to enjoy them and hand back to mum amd dad.

OP you don't want a baby l. Don't have one.
Age is irrelevant here.

Tell him straight this is not something you want, you haven't changed your mind. It wasn't on the cards when you married.

That’s what’s brought the conversation up yes. I can’t imagine him taking care of a baby/toddler. He won’t even walk the dogs without me going.

If you don't want a child you don't want a child; that is fine.

Equally, if he is broody and he really does want a child, then sadly, this could be something you and he can't get past. It happens.

I am stereotyping slightly, and I may be off the mark here, but I would wonder whether or not he knows much about the practicalities of having a baby. There is a huge difference between looking at someone else's cute baby, and actually going through the process of having one (especially if you had a hard time last time). Also (and I'm 40 and TTC), the process of conceiving at 40 can be perfectly fine, and it can also be an absolute shit-show. IME, men are often less aware than women that 'having a baby' doesn't just mean rocking up with a cute newborn - it might also mean miscarrying, or damaging your health permanently, or having to make hard decisions around termination for medical reasons, or all sorts of other really difficult things.

And even if it could be 100% guaranteed that you'd sail through conception, labour and delivery and have the most adorable baby ever, the fact that you don't want to do it is justification enough not to.

I just think what you shouldn't expect is for him to swallow down his feelings of broodiness if they are genuine. Sadly, disagreements about wanting or not wanting a baby are big; they're something relationships do not always survive.

I'm not quite 40 yet but would love another child. I'm a bit slower physically than I once was but children are my life. It would be around 40 I think I'd be having another as we need to move house first. If you don't want to though, I wouldn't do it. It's you that needs to go through the pregnancy and the birth and probably most of the sleepless nights.

I think it's too old but that's my own opinion.

Way too old for me but I had mine very young.

I’m having my first at 42 (after many losses) and we’re overjoyed. But if you have a kid and you don’t want more that’s your call, whatever your age tbh!

And this is why I have my view.

As the child of an older parent also (mum was 41 when she had me), I’ve seen it from that side as well.

It is annoying. But yes will hold his hand through this wobble.

Your age is far less relevant than the fact that you just don't want another baby.

That’s a great way to look at it.

You never know what life is going to deal. I just lost my mum to advanced dementia and I am 45. She was diagnosed six years ago - she had me at 25. When she was 40 she developed serious heart disease, I was 15. On the other hand I have friends who have parents who are in their late 80s and fitter than I am.

Age ain't nothing but a number.

That said, it's personal choice and we all have our own limits.

For me, it's not so much about having a baby in your 40s but having a teenager at 60! I don't think it's fair on either party.

Only have another if you both want one, not because you think you should or your DH is feeling left out!

Yes too old. Having a teen in your 60s can't be fun. Your kids probably not having grandparents.

@Newtothisplace it's nothing to do with age it's to do with what you do or don't want

No, blow that. You’ve been 100% honest and clear from the start, so he has no right to want to change matters.

No it is not too old to have a baby. But if you don’t want a baby at 41 (or 31 or 21) then you shouldn’t have one.

The thing is , your've been there done that .. but he has not ! You have every right to not want anymore children...but if he really now wants a child of his own he has a right too .

My brother had his first 2 children when he was 19 and 25. Now he’s almost 50 with a 2yr old (2nd marriage, wife had no DC). He is knackered! For me, absolute no. I was 31 when I had my youngest, and now late 40’s I have a life again, no chance i’d want young DC.