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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My mums dead

122 replies

Whatayear2023 · 28/12/2024 23:36

My mum dropped dead boxing day night.
She was only talking to me fine went to the loo and heard a bang. I did cpr for almost 20mins until first responder came. They took over but kept telling me she's gone.
Had to stay with her body until police came then the undertakers
I'm heartbroken I keep crying all the time
She was all I had.
I would go there every day take her food every day clean up wash her dress her and she was my best friend not just my mum.
But now I'm called the grand daughter which technically I am but she had me from a few months old and it's hurting no one sees me as her daughter and watching family who never bothered taking stuff and keeping on about how much they getting I feel sick.
Is there a way to just stop the crying I try and it keeps coming and I've had 2 panic attacks today

OP posts:
Lilacbloomers · 29/12/2024 00:39

I’m so so sorry lovie, what an absolutely horrendous experience for you. Just know we see you as her daughter, and she was blessed to have such a loving daughter. I’ll be thinking of you x

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 00:40

Oh, that's terrible! I am so, so sorry.

Go to your GP for help with the panic attacks and the shock.

You poor thing.

Cinderellaandthesevendwarves · 29/12/2024 00:41

You are a wonderful daughter. I’d say you Mum considers herself so lucky to have had you. I am so sorry for your loss. You need your own space and time to grieve. Life changes like the tides in the ocean. This is a stage for grief for you but other stages will come, your wonderful Mum would want those for you. Don’t worry about the vultures, don’t worry about their perspectives about your connection with your Mum, they will pass right through. Let them be the way they are, you know what you know.

macap · 29/12/2024 00:41

That sounds incredibly traumatic @Whatayear2023 Sad

I'm so sorry for the loss of you Mum, I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling. Please be kind to yourself. I hope you have at least one person IRL to talk to? xxx

NiftyKoala · 29/12/2024 00:42

I am so very very sorry. Try to take comfort in what a good daughter you were to her and in time those memories you will cherish.

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 00:42

LittleMG · 28/12/2024 23:52

You poor thing I’m so sorry. I’m in the same boat, I lost my mum suddenly in November and she was my best friend. I loved her so so much I know what you’re going through. I probably cry only once a day now but it’s a hard road we’re on. I’m struggling to accept it. Try and do some calming meditation off of YouTube it helped me when I was in a really bad way x

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my last parent a few months ago. Could you please share the YouTube meditations that helped?

StScholastica · 29/12/2024 00:45

Oh love, it's bad enough that she passed away but please don't underestimate the affect that CPR can have on you. I wish I'd never attempted CPR with my Dad. I knew he'd gone and think I should have just sat holding his hand and telling him that we loved him. Instead it was a brutal 20mins whilst we waited for the paramedics. I felt like a failure for not receiving him but the reality is that it hardly ever works outside of hospital/without a defibrillator.
You did everything you could do and it sounds like you treated her like a princess whilst you were looking after her.
Please be gentle with yourself.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 29/12/2024 00:49

That's such a horrible loss. I'm so sorry you have been through so much. It sounds like you were very lucky to have each other.

girlofsandwich · 29/12/2024 00:50

I'm so sorry. I completely understand having unusual family dynamics, I sometimes wonder what people would think of my grief if something happened to my big sister or my nephew, who are more like my mother and brother at this stage. It's even more of a special relationship for me so I understand.

I lost my dad very young and it was traumatic. I thought I'd never pull myself together, but we are made to withstand the worst. I know that's not helpful now but you will get to a place where you remember them fondly.

Your son is likely struggling right now, being young and lashing out. It's hard to see any parent as being anything but there forever, so I'd give him some grace. Just make sure to give yourself the same.

Whatayear2023 · 29/12/2024 00:52

macap · 29/12/2024 00:41

That sounds incredibly traumatic @Whatayear2023 Sad

I'm so sorry for the loss of you Mum, I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling. Please be kind to yourself. I hope you have at least one person IRL to talk to? xxx

Thanks no there isn't one single person irl I could cry or discuss feelings with ... where I was left so young I don't know any of the one side of family and barely talk to other no xmas cards presents etc

OP posts:
HappydaysArehere · 29/12/2024 00:54

No one could have done more for your mum than you. You cared for her and was with her in her last moments. She was a fortunate lady to be so loved and cared for. You are in shock and will be on automatic pilot for awhile but always remember you were her best friend and nobody can take that from you. As for people coming in to help themselves to things. Well it’s sickening and you can tell them all best to wait until the will is dealt with. Of course you are crying and that is to be expected. After my dad died I was on a train going home and the tears fell uncontrollably and I knew people were looking at me but the tears just wouldn’t stop.

Livelovebehappy · 29/12/2024 00:54

So sorry. It’s awful to lose someone so suddenly. Takes a while to sink in. Don’t think of possessions and property or wills. Her executors will take care of that when the time is right. Just allow yourself to grieve and offer to help with the funeral arrangements if that helps you. Whilst you might not be entitled to anything legally, I’m sure if you have a word with the executor after the funeral, they could give you a keepsake to remember her by.

LadyDimpletonFrisby · 29/12/2024 00:55

Just let the crying and agony come through, it won't kill you even though it feels like it will. It's a process, the beginning of a path to healing. You never get over the sense of loss, but it softens with time, and often sooner than you think. This stage is (whilst different for us all) where the universe tips up and we howl at the pain, but it is natural.
Never feel as if this is bad for you or inappropriate, there is no timescale to recovering from loss.
Healing is eventual acceptance. You never 'accept' the loss, but it becomes 'known', the newness of it evens out, and you develop, naturally, a new way to negotiate it.

Put no pressure on yourself at all.
Don't allow anyone to dictate or prescribe for you.
Aside from hurting other people, literally anything goes right now, so forgive yourself and flow with it.
It is agony, but it will ease, in it's own way.

It's a long process, it will change every week, month, year. Eventually you will develop new routines and small rituals that will honour your loss. I send you lots of love, stranger or not, and wish you strength and self care.

Take it as it comes. And be good to yourself.

R053 · 29/12/2024 00:55

I am so sorry. What a traumatic way to lose your mum.

LadyDimpletonFrisby · 29/12/2024 00:58

I remember, when my parent's died, thinking that whoever hurt me now, would hurt me for the rest of my life.
And whoever was kind to me, would stay with me for the rest of my life.

A cardiologist who tried to save my dad's life, said a few kind words to me that 14 years later, I have never, ever forgotten.

Everything becomes precious at this time, even though the river inside of you is raging. Keep the company of those who strengthen you and allow you to feel. And avoid those who don't.

trader21c · 29/12/2024 01:00

So sorry to hear this x

MalaikaMalaika · 29/12/2024 01:06

So sorry for losing you mum . Sending hugs stay strong for her x

Haveacuppaandwaitforthistoblowover · 29/12/2024 01:15

I just want to send some love ❤️

What you have went through is horrendous. Please keep talking on here if it helps! There are some really lovely people on mumsnet and usually always someone around.

Overlyanxiousworrier · 29/12/2024 01:23

So sorry for your loss. Other peoples lack of recognition of your relationship doesn't matter. You had a special bond with her and she was your mum and you sound like a wonderful daughter. Definitely get some bereavement support if you can and please know that it somehow gets easier. Be kind yourself and take it a day at a time. Your mum will always be with you. Take care OP x

OccasionalHope · 29/12/2024 01:47

I’m so sorry.

PennyApril54 · 29/12/2024 02:01

I am so sorry to hear this has happened. I am thinking of you. I do know your mum will have loved you very much and will want you to take good care of yourself during this very difficult time. Please do that. You will get lots of support on here. Please listen to the messages people have posted here for you. You are in our thoughts.

Inndiaanna · 29/12/2024 02:07

What a dreadful shock for you, I’m so sorry. My DH died very suddenly, two weeks before Christmas. Already the crying is getting less, as I get used to the shock and horror. Allow yourself to cry, it’s completely natural. Look after yourself, I promise you, it will get easier. ❤️

WearyAuldWumman · 29/12/2024 02:07

I am so very sorry.

Of course she was your mum. Someone very dear to me was brought up by his stepgran - but she was always "Mum" to him.

God bless you, I've been there - I had to perform CPR on a loved one. Words cannot convey what that's like.

Your Mum looked after you and you looked after her. No one can ever take that away from you.

Hwi · 29/12/2024 02:11

I am so so sorry

Londog · 29/12/2024 02:22

The grief, disbelief and devastating shock is cruel and overwhelming emotionally, mentally and physically. Everything will be surreal and numb and like the most horrible bad dream I know xx Just get through each hour as best you can. Look after yourself as you would a small child. I promise your darling mum will send you her strength ❤️🌈
I am so deeply sorry for your profound loss X

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